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Me too. Ali, can you get out of town for this weekend and occupy yourself with something else that you enjoy?


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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((((((((((Ali))))))))))

I'd help with the soup....

Though I'd be tempted to skip right to dessert, and make a cheesecake!

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(((Ali)))

I don't have any advice to give, just sending you lots of good thoughts and wishes and Key Lime pie when I make it this weekend! Hope you are ok

Jx


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(((((((((((((((((Ali))))))))))))))))))))

Huge hugs hun!
W2G


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((((((((((((Ali))))))))))))))

Hi there! Stopping by to give you huge hugs and to let you know I am thinking of you. I am not sure what advice would be helpful right now. Just know that we all understand and know that you will work your way through this in your own time.


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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Posts: 5,270
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Hey everyone,
Thanks for your hugs! No word from him for a few days. The eclipse seems to have precipitated some gap between us, either that or its because my BFF was here and he wanted to stay out of the way.

So where are we? I spent much of the weekend with him 3 weeks ago - Saturday he bought dinner to mine, then we went for a drink till midnight and talked nonstop. I asked him to stay the night. He said sorry, but he was tired and needed to go home and hugged me but said in a placating voice "but we'll go for a bike ride tommorow". He called me Sunday and we went for a bike ride all afternoon, he was quiet and distant. He didnt seem to want to leave, so we went for a drink, then the supermarket, cooked dinner at mine and watched TV till late. Again I asked him to stay, but he said sorry, but I have work in the morning.

He phoned me Monday and Tuesday night and had a nice chat both nights aand we emailed 8 or 9 times Mon-Wed. He then phoned me Friday night for 45 minutes about this work decision, but was away back home and with friends till Monday, so I didnt hear from him all weekend, apart from one text in reply to mine.

He phoned me twice Tuesday night (!) and we had a nice chat and he invited me to the cinema the next day. We met for a drink before and after the cinema Wednesday night and he said he was very tired and the work stuff had made his depression worse. He was distant and ranting about work and showed no interest in me.

I had a one line email Thursday and Friday. I called him teatime (eclipse day!), but he was away with his BMF. He called me back but sadly I missed the call (!) and didnt get the message till Sunday night. He didnt contact me all weekend. I tried calling him back Sunday and emailed and texted Monday, but no replies. I called him Monday night and he gave me the brush off as he said he was too tired to talk and "couldnt concentrate". (He later told me he ignored calls from his BMF and Mum that night as he was SO tired).

I called him Tuesday night and he said he was going to give me a ring. He sounded a bit cross, but said he was "irritated" by the work decision, but we talked for 40 minutes and he apologised for being "useless" about our finances and offered to help. I was quiet and unconfident and the convo was awkard (isnt normally). We emailed a bit Tuesday and Wednesday, both initiated by me because of money, but he still seems distant. He said he was going to the doctors again this week.

I emailed him this morning, about money and asking how he was, no reply.

Thoughts anyone!? Not sure what to do next. I suppose its time to have a chat with him, ask him how he is, or why he kept phoning and seeing me so regularly since February. Is he keeping me in his life for a reason, or, is he just finding it hard to let go of me? My BFF says you can only talk about yourself, as in, I have enjoyed spending time with you, but have missed seeing you in recent weeks.. or something !?

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...and I'm not ignoring the fact he has depression here, but then, he is filling his life and organising to spend time with friends..2 weeks ago he went to a beer festival, a barbecue, then last weekend a 30th party and then a music festival with his BMF. Football and then the pub this Wednesday, he's off to beach music festival this weekend (so that will be 3 weekends in a row I havent seen him). So, he is just getting on with his life.

Initially it seemed hopeful with him coming back into my life in February and all the contact we enjoyed end April - June, but it has never progressed from there and my friends think he just found it hard to let go of me and it has just been trying to redefine our R as friendship. Which wasnt what I wanted!


Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs
IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08
Reconciled 05/09 now married!
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*hugs* Ali...

One of the things that comes to mind is something one of my very best friends dealt with. She switched her ADs and for months it tended to zap her energy levels. I guess while the brain is going through whatever it's supposed to be going through... there are energy issues with some of the types of ADs. I forget what she's on but she said it really DID knacker her energy levels. She's evening out now (some 5 months later) but it does take time.

Mine: Cipralex(Lexpro)actually has the opposite problem for some people... zooms you up so while you're getting used to it... I have downers to deal with the panic attacks and/or to help me sleep. Another pal of mine switched to my ADs and is still having trouble sleeping as well.

My own comments is that perhaps your BF's depression/AD level isn't correct because of alcohol ... or maybe the ADs are just not enough on their own. I do feel at times like my dosage isn't high enough either... and those lower days... I tend to be tired.... even though I may not be able to sleep. I call it swimming or walking through oatmeal. My capacity to deal with stuff those days is really greatly lowered as a result.

Sleep... or feeling tired and wanting to... for some depression folks is an escape. It certainly has become one for me. It's a time where the mind ISN'T going full blast with worries and whatnot.

Perhaps you might find ways to go watch vids at your place where he can fall asleep on the couch etc. (And yes... leave him there, cover him with a blanket and let him feel safe.)

As for a reason why he's kept you in his life... uhm... wow... You sent me to read One Day's posts... and her session with the DB counsellor said something very prolific:

- H isn't going to let go of the aub until he's 100% sure things with me are a sure thing. I need to take my focus away from this and move it to helping H feel good about himself again

Lisa, you and I (and many others) all have to realize that our men have to go through their processes and are torn, confused, etc etc etc. Whether it's drink or another woman or drugs or whatever, they're doing what they're doing to make themselves feel good about themselves. Personally, I wouldn't undo all the progress you've done by asking him why he's kept contact with you. Cuz frankly he probably doesn't know... and that'll send him into yet another place in his life that puts pressure on him. Our job is to be "the stable one". It sucks but it's the reality we have.

The advice I'm trying to give myself is the same as I'm going to give you. Stay the course. The ride has lots of ups and downs and you need to gently nudge him into his safety zone again. He's got to see "the wonderful himself" through YOUR eyes. That's what we actually see when we love someone in a reciprocal relationship. If we receive this "great mirrored" image from someone, we gravitate to it. If you feel wonderful/smart/sexy etc etc etc around someone, you are naturally going to want to be near that person. Same with safe.

One of the "getting closer techniques" I'm finding working is the "titt for tatt" convos. I'll tell my H something more personal about myself and he returned in kind. What you're doing is creating what becomes "things you know about each other that others don't". Intimacy rebuilding. Building a house on a vacant lot is much quicker than building on one where you have to clear up debris (from the old relationship/emotions) first. Patience and time.... Isn't easy and I slip as much as everyone else here... but it's really one of our best friends in these kinds of sitch. Our spouses still want us around... building things back up will take time.

*hugs*
Abbey

Last edited by Abbey; 08/08/08 12:31 PM.

T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
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Hi Abbey!
Thanks as always. It is helpful to get your perspective. He is on fluoxedine (sp?) and drinking alot on weekends and occasional one night in the week. He sounds like you then in that he is constantly saying he is tired and wants to get an early night and I know that when he says he's tired, he is actually (or also) feeling down. Well he says that to me, then spends alot of time seeing friends and going away for weekends.

My sister said, I know you've been understanding as he has depression, but he seems capable of seeing people all the time, more than you, whereas if he were depressed I thought he would prefer to see you as that would be easier, less draining, as he knows you so well and doesnt have to pretend around you. ???

Lost it today, been crying on and off alot. No email or call from him Thursday. Emailed him at 11 am today, he didnt reply. Called him at home 8.30pm - no answer, called his mobile, went straight to voicemail so must have been out of signal (happens here). Rang a friend, span out, cried some more.

Called him at 9.30 on his mobile...this time it rang, then went to voicemail. So he either didnt hear it, or chose not to answer (likely as he seems to have backed off considerably since last week). Left an embarressed message along the lines of "sorry its late to call, was wondering how you were really, hope you're ok, give me a ring, or a text to let me know how you are".

Oh dear. Feeling very anxious today. Whatever he was playing at, or whatver I was doing right for the past 6 months, it seems to have stopped. I got so used to him calling me every day, then last week he called Tuesday, I saw him Wednesday and he returned my call Friday, but this week he hasnt called me at all.

Well, wherever he is, he will have got my voicemail and he hasnt replied. Feel sick, I know its ridiculous, but its like being left all over again. I have enjoyed so much contact with him, more than most people posting here and its horrible that its led to nothing - like I've failed some kind of test.

I hear what you are saying, but I cant seem to make him feel wonderful, or sexy or safe in my eyes, I just dont seem to have any effect on him. I even tell him he looks handsome, or its lovely to spend time with him, or I'm proud of his efforts at work and he just doesnt respond to it.

I guess I am feeling angry. It feels like he has led me a merry dance the last 6 months. I know he thinks though, that he has made me no promises and never crossed that boundary, so he hasnt acted in a way I could have expected anything. Maybe I have just been kidding myself all along ?? Applying DB techniques haa just stopped me from having any kind of real conversation with him and seeing baby steps which were in fact just friendship, or him just not being able to let go of me all at once.

Hmm... I have a feeling noones going to know what to say to help me out, as usual! When will this pain stop? Its almost getting worse, not better, over time.

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Hi Al,

I don't know when the pain will stop. It's going to take time; you know that, I know. You need to detach. Don't expect anything from BF, just hope for it.

It seems to me, reading the past couple of posts that recently you've been contacting BF a lot more, and it seems like that isn't working. So, you need to do something different. One thing you've mentioned is speaking to him. The other option might be to back off- let him be in his cave and trust that he'll come to you when he's done with his thinking. Remember it wasn't that long ago that my H was in touch every day, and then he backed off and interaction dropped significantly for 8 weeks. Now he seems to be emerging again.

Don't ASS-U-ME based on his very recent behaviour. Develop detachment, and please stop listening to what other people tell you about BF's actions. Sometime's if you're down it's hardest to spend time with people who can see it. I know if it was me who was depressed the last thing I'd want to do is spend time with someone who I felt was able to see into my soul and see exactly what I was feeling/thinking. I'd want to try and feel normal as much as I could. Maybe I don't know anything about this, but isn't it possible that there's more than one explanation for why BF is able to see other people?

Sorry if this seems harsh; I don't mean it to!

L.

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