"(am I fat, do these pants make me look fat) - what would she say & would a man think its a genuine statement?"
"If you try "baby I love every inch of you" she hears, he thinks I'm fat. "I love how you look", she hears, he thinks I'm fat & doesn't want to hurt my feelings. "you look gorgeous to me" she hears, maybe I'm not gorgeous to other men, just my H."
Ha ha ha,
I just had to laugh at this one! Somebody's in a good mood. Thanks for the laugh.
How about turning the "fat" question around? I know, ok, I'm guessing, that a man would never make an issues out of gaining weight that women do. But, if you men said to your W the same thing (am I fat, do these pants make me look fat) - what would she say & would a man think its a genuine statement?
There was a beer comercial out a while back that had three men standing around and one of them asked the other two if these jeans mad him look fat. A beer can fell on him. I can only say that I for one have never asked if I looked fat in something, if I have to ask I already know the answer so why ask it. I guess that is why us men are so confused by this question. You already know the answer to the question and nothing we say will change your mind so why put us in that position.
Originally Posted By: MsMelancoly
I will say "bravo" - to my H who said he loved my body - even when I did gain weight. Thinking about it more, I probably did give him that look - but deep down inside, I did believe him. In a way he was saying (or atleast I think he's saying), I know you don't have the "movie star" body, ya never did, ya never will (& I know I never did nor ever will - honestly - I do) and that's not so important to me, I love you all of you. Ah, maybe I'm grasping at straws.
I love my wife, she does not have the body of a supermodel either but that is not why I love her or married her. I have never and never would complain about her weight it does not matter to me. She is just as beautiful to me as she was when I met her even thou she has put on a few pounds. I'm not that shallow. I just don't like being put between a rock and a hard spot and then having her mad at me because I did not respond correctly.
Thanks everyone for your help. It has been insightful to say the least.
"(am I fat, do these pants make me look fat) - what would she say & would a man think its a genuine statement?"
"If you try "baby I love every inch of you" she hears, he thinks I'm fat. "I love how you look", she hears, he thinks I'm fat & doesn't want to hurt my feelings. "you look gorgeous to me" she hears, maybe I'm not gorgeous to other men, just my H."
Ha ha ha,
I just had to laugh at this one! Somebody's in a good mood. Thanks for the laugh.
poet
Glad you got a laught out of it Poet. I have read all of your first thread and I'm half way thru the second. Wow you have had a hard marriage. Keep going I think you are doing great so far.
"You already know the answer to the question and nothing we say will change your mind so why put us in that position."
Hi Distressed,
It's me again. I'm chuckling here, hopefully you understand that I am smiling WITH you this time. And, I have to say, your comment here made me think of this: Women don't really TRY to put men in "...that position" intentionally. Sometimes they are only looking for reassurance that you love them. I know you're getting a lot of positive advice here, and I'm not really sure I can add much to it, but have you tried...
Just walking up to her and putting your arms around her and saying. OMG, I LOVE you more the all the rivers in the world could ever flow into one space at one time.
((((((D)))))))
Oops, I just now read your post to me. I didn't even see it until after I answered. I'm amazed you are reading my thread. Wow, it's a lot. Thank you. Yes, I have had a hard marriage and that is the real reason, I believe, H wants the D. Sad to say, I'm probably most to blame.
I can only say that I for one have never asked if I looked fat in something, if I have to ask I already know the answer so why ask it. I guess that is why us men are so confused by this question. You already know the answer to the question and nothing we say will change your mind so why put us in that position.
The reason you would never ask a guy is because he would say, "Yeah but it's not the pants and that shirt really makes you look like a dweeb." You bust his chops back, nobodies feelings get hurt and you order another beer. Man rules.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I can only say that I for one have never asked if I looked fat in something, if I have to ask I already know the answer so why ask it. I guess that is why us men are so confused by this question. You already know the answer to the question and nothing we say will change your mind so why put us in that position.
From a female perspective, I couldn't agree with you more. I've always preferred more direct communication and if I'm having a bad moment will admit it. If you want honesty in a R then don't ask questions that you're not ready to hear the honest answer to. And appreciate the answer you receive.
Quote:
Sometimes they are only looking for reassurance that you love them.
To me, there are much safer ways of getting that reassurance. But I'm basing that on my own personal experience.
I can only say that I for one have never asked if I looked fat in something, if I have to ask I already know the answer so why ask it. I guess that is why us men are so confused by this question. You already know the answer to the question and nothing we say will change your mind so why put us in that position.
The reason you would never ask a guy is because he would say, "Yeah but it's not the pants and that shirt really makes you look like a dweeb." You bust his chops back, nobodies feelings get hurt and you order another beer. Man rules.
That is correct and if we ever do piss another man off it is forgotten the next day.
Women on the other hand hold onto it like a prized piece of jewlery and let it fester and then after a couple of days when you have forgotten all about it they are like aren't you going to say your sorry. We give then that " for what" comment and now its a full blown fight. We ought to just say sorry right off the bat because we will in the end anyway.
From a female perspective, I couldn't agree with you more. I've always preferred more direct communication and if I'm having a bad moment will admit it. If you want honesty in a R then don't ask questions that you're not ready to hear the honest answer to. And appreciate the answer you receive.
You are a rare woman because all that I know do not like a direct answer. They do not ask direct questions. Most talk in circles until you can find out what they want. Unfortunately us men do not like circles if you ask us a question we answer that question we don't hunt around until we find the real question.
If my W wants her car washed instead of saying "Please wash my car" it is "my car is dirty" or "one of these days I need to get my car washed." Sorry got off the subject a little but I prefer your way ask me what you want and don't get offended when I give you my honest opinion or don't do what you really want.
Originally Posted By: alpha.omega62
Sometimes they are only looking for reassurance that you love them.
To me, there are much safer ways of getting that reassurance. But I'm basing that on my own personal experience.
Oops, I just now read your post to me. I didn't even see it until after I answered. I'm amazed you are reading my thread. Wow, it's a lot. Thank you. Yes, I have had a hard marriage and that is the real reason, I believe, H wants the D. Sad to say, I'm probably most to blame.
From what I read you are not mostly to blame for your sitch. It will take me a little while longer to get thru it all but the way your H went about it and from what happened to you when you were younger I am amazed at how strong of a person you are.
I'm trying to save my M not have myself put in traction at the local hospital for being ran over by my W in a car.
ROFL
Originally Posted By: distressed67
She is very good about what the whole family eats and yes I would never ever comment on anything she eats. Learned that a long, long time a ago.
Ah, smart man !!
Originally Posted By: distressed67
Thanks again SC. Have not been over to your sitch for quite a while too hard to follow with all the people that post. Do have one question. How did the letter to your father go? Did you get a responce or is he gone for good now? Hopefully the latter for you.
Take care
Tim
Tim,
I didn't do the letter yet. I suppose it just hits a raw spot, & I'm not ready to face it. Take care yourself, thanks for the laughs tonight. lol
Last edited by smartcookie; 08/04/0808:01 AM.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
