I picked up that book two weeks ago and just started reading it the other night. I've heard alot of good things about it. I need to figure out my wife's LL.
Ken
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Bridgestone told me about it a while ago. I am still reading two other relationship books and will get that one next. You would think I could get to the book store since it is right across the street from my office.
My W has a gym at her work. She is on a cycle of starting to go does it for about three to six months then stops for a couple of months and then starts back up. Yesterday she went back and meet with a fitness person who did a BMI on her and of course she comes home and starts complaining that she if fat and ovrweight. My normal respoce is no your not, your beautiful, etc. She responds by either giving me a yea right look or a half hearted thank you but I am.
Yesterday I just listen, did not agree or try and dispute what she was saying. And let her just talk till she changed the subject to something else.
My question is, how do I as a DAM respond to these no win questions. "Do you think these make me look fat" or "I'm fat and need to lose weight". I know this is a touchy subject for women and I cannot find a good reponce that keeps me out of trouble. Any help would be nice.
Positive responses are always welcome to our ears. If she states she is fat, try not to tell her she's not. That feels like you're discounting her statement (it may very well be how she feels at the moment). 'You're not fat' can feel like 'you don't know what you're talking about'. Instead, express your opinion - 'I think you look great'. Everyone's entitled to their opinion, right?
'Is there anything I can do to help?' is also a good response. She's complaining about her weight, can you help by helping her eat better at home? Can you, as a family, take a walk in the evening?
Even though we may seem to blow off a positive response, we still hear it. And it makes a difference, believe me.
So even though she gives me a yea right look after I say she looks beautiful, I should accept that she does not feel good about herself at that moment and she hears what I am saying and that this positive responce will make her feel better later but right now it will be blown off. Basicly nothing I do or say at this moment will make her feel better, correct?
We use to walk alot in the spring but it has gotten so busy in the last couple of months we have not gone in a while. I would like to get back to doing it because it is quality alone time with her.
Thanks for your responce. I need a womans perspective because I want to say lets do this or that but I know that will not go over well with her. Validate not fix.
So even though she gives me a yea right look after I say she looks beautiful, I should accept that she does not feel good about herself at that moment and she hears what I am saying and that this positive responce will make her feel better later but right now it will be blown off. Basicly nothing I do or say at this moment will make her feel better, correct?
You don't know that. As you say things you are looking for a reaction - you may not get one at the moment. However, later she could be thinking of the situation and your response, your support is important regardless of what she is projecting. I say stick to positive, truthful things. Don't go overboard. You can't fix this, only she can. I really wish your W would talk to someone (and not OM).
Quote:
We use to walk alot in the spring but it has gotten so busy in the last couple of months we have not gone in a while. I would like to get back to doing it because it is quality alone time with her.
Invite her to walk. If she doesn't want to, you go. In time hopefully she will join you.
Quote:
Thanks for your responce. I need a womans perspective because I want to say lets do this or that but I know that will not go over well with her. Validate not fix.
Take a deep breath and relax. You don't have to stay on top of this every minute - sometimes a response may require a little time. Be consistent. Be who you are - nothing is more attractive than a happy, confident man who is at peace with himself.
You don't know that. As you say things you are looking for a reaction - you may not get one at the moment. However, later she could be thinking of the situation and your response, your support is important regardless of what she is projecting. I say stick to positive, truthful things. Don't go overboard. You can't fix this, only she can. I really wish your W would talk to someone (and not OM).
I do not think she is talking to him any more. I think she realized after our last R talk that she was having an EA with him and I hope has ended it. She put some distance between me and her after that talk but lately she has been moving closer. Atleast that is how I feel.
Originally Posted By: alpha.omega62
Invite her to walk. If she doesn't want to, you go. In time hopefully she will join you.
As for the walking neither of us has been doing it because of all the stuff that needs to be done around the house. We do sit on the deck and spend time together we just do not get out and exercise while doing it.
Originally Posted By: alpha.omega62
Take a deep breath and relax. You don't have to stay on top of this every minute - sometimes a response may require a little time. Be consistent. Be who you are - nothing is more attractive than a happy, confident man who is at peace with himself.
AO
I am being myself and think I have found how to make myself happy and be more confident. There are just some things that she says that are traps for me. I try and reassure her but it does not seem to help. The I'm overweight thing is a big one and with me being logical and saying "then lets walk more, or you should go to the gym more or your beautiful to me" just seems to not be the right responce. I'm straight forward if you think your overwight diet and exersice plain ans simpile right.
But with everything I have read this is not what she wants to hear so I just wanted another women to give me a responce that they would be looking for from their man in that situation.
I do appriciate your help and I know there are many of us DAM's out there that need a good tactic for handeling these types of questions.
Distressed and Alpha, thanks for this last piece of thread. My W said the same thing this morning, 'she's feeling fat'. i told her i thought she was doing good and still losing weight.
normally i would say 'No sweety, you look good.' - not realizing i was actually contradicting her.
thats always a tough spot to be in for a guy. its seems like such a loaded question.
the tip about taking a walk is great. gonna try that one out tonight.
please keep up the discussion, i'm going to hang out here for while and keep learning.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
