In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance

[Distressed67]

Finally locked my first thread. I will summarize my sitch the best I can.

W and I have been slowly growing apart for the last five years or so. It started shortly after we bought our new house.

I tried to talk to her about what I needed and wanted but she would never say what she wanted except that she got what she wanted from the kids. I never understood this but think she wanted to be held and loved without the pressure of ML. I never just held her it always was to meet my needs and I did not consider hers were different than mine.

I worked two sometimes three jobs until 2003 to make ends meet. She worked part time and we needed the money.

Between a job that I hated to go to but made good money, the stress of the house, kids and our R, I continued to get angrier over the years. My W and kids never knew what mood I would be in. My W said she walked around on eggshells trying to keep the peace and protect the kids. I never have laid a hand on my W or kids it was just my bad moods and tone of voice they feared.

I was unhappy and blamed it on my W and her inability to meet my needs thus not making me happy.

Last June it all came to a head and she gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. I went to C to try and save my M but ended up figuring out that I was the reason I was unhappy and angry and not my W. I started to work on me. I bought several book one of them being DB.

I was working hard on myself when in April I found out my W was having an EA with her ex H. This really put me over the edge. I have had some rough months, backslide a lot and have had a hard time detaching.

I found this site where I have been able to vent and get some great advice. I joined a golf league, started to buy my own clothes, dress nice around my wife and most importantly I started a new business with another person.

Things have been getting better and my W and I are in the friendship stage. Our last R talk happened June 27th I again took responsibility for my actions over the last several years and apologized for not being there for her. I told her that she now needs to decide what she wants and what will make her happy and that if she wants me to stay and work on the M I will. If me leaving will make her happy I will leave, no regrets no bad feeling towards her.

We do not go to MC because she does not think it will help. Life and the kids came between us and we both lost ourselves along the way. I have become a much better person and know what I want. She needs to do the same and until then I will be waiting to move the R forward but will continue to work on me until then.

[ernest88]

for what it's worth I want you to know..I'm proud of you. I can see a big difference. I would say your W sees the changes. Continue on and observe.

[Arthur]

echoing Mike here D. From what you say above and from your greatly appreciated comments on my thread, I can tell you are a changed man from the one that you describe as yourself a few years ago.

GL and keep it up

[Distressed67]

Thanks, it means alot coming from you guys. I look back on what I have done and I am ashamed of that person. I was not pleasent to be around. I am hopeful that I can make up for all the pain I have caused her. That is up to her right now.

She is still on the fence as I said above but the nice thing is I am ok with whatever decision she makes. I am enjoing the time we spend together and take it one day at a time.

My S for the longest time when he came into a room where my W and I were would always give her a hug and not me, now he comes to me first and she sometimes has to ask for it. I know he sees the changes and that is what really makes me feel good.

Mike, I'm sorry things did not work out as you had hoped. I know you have accepted it but it still must really be hard to deal with a second time. You are here following alot of peoples sitch and that shows what a great person you truely are.

Arthur, Your adivice has been very helpful I hope your W comes around sooner than later, but I will still give my opinion and hope something I tell you helps.

[ernest88]

Mike, I'm sorry things did not work out as you had hoped. I know you have accepted it but it still must really be hard to deal with a second time. You are here following alot of peoples sitch and that shows what a great person you truely are.

Thanks for that. I appreciate it. It actually may be a little easier as far as knowing what to expect. I've felt like a loser at times but also know that the losses I have had are due to bad decisions I made, the type person I was and my past history. I've took my responsibilities in the failure of both and also held myself accountable for the parenting I did with my son. I hope will be a better dad this time around.

Yes, I'm following lots of people. I won't lie and say it does not affect me. It does. The sheer volume of Newcomers gets me down at times. There are times when I read things that are so close to home that I have trouble even thinking about them. I'm sure that the people helping me when I first got here felt the same when they read my post. I intend to do the same as the ones before me and "pay it forward" when I can.

it's the way I'm wired....

I felt..I did all I could do for the sitch I'm in.

[steady]

Distressed I have to say our sitch's are so similar. My wife also told me about how she walked on eggshells and didn't know what mood I would be in. She also talked about protecting the kids.

Thanks, it means alot coming from you guys. I look back on what I have done and I am ashamed of that person. I was not pleasant to be around. I am hopeful that I can make up for all the pain I have caused her. That is up to her right now.

I can totally relate to this. I am really wanting cover the ground I lost and make it up to her.

You're comments on my sitch have been greatly appreciated and I want you to know you've helped me out quite a bit.

Ken

[Distressed67]

I am glad I can help you out. I am just trying to give back that what I have received just as MFT said above.

I will keep an eye on you and help as best I can. You do the work and I will sit with a beer in one hand a 2x4 in the other and watch.

[ernest88]

I am just trying to give back that what I have received

And you're doing a really good job.

You do the work and I will sit with a beer in one hand a 2x4 in the other and watch.

and it appears I've rubbed off on you.

I saw a post over on Arthur's thread earlier. I thought I would respond over here. I have many activities that I do to keep me busy. I love surf fishing. Have you ever done any surf fishing. It a great GAL activity. Lots of big fish to be caught on the Outer Banks of North Carolina, you can go here to see the pics surffishtheobx.com . Big fish pictures on the photo page. the ones at the very top of the page are really nice pictures. On the first page on the site at the bottom there is a link to the webguy send an email and let him know how you like the pictures. Really big fish and lots of fun. throw in beer drinking and great fellowship. if you ever get the chance you should visit. it's a great place with great people.

[Distressed67]

I am just trying to give back that what I have received

And you're doing a really good job.

Thanks trying my best. It is easier when you are not emotionally envolved to see other peoples pit falls and try and help them out.

You do the work and I will sit with a beer in one hand a 2x4 in the other and watch.

and it appears I've rubbed off on you.

Much better to give than receive especially when your not the one on the receiving end of that 2x4 of yours.

I saw a post over on Arthur's thread earlier. I thought I would respond over here. I have many activities that I do to keep me busy. I love surf fishing. Have you ever done any surf fishing. It a great GAL activity. Lots of big fish to be caught on the Outer Banks of North Carolina, you can go here to see the pics surffishtheobx.com . Big fish pictures on the photo page. the ones at the very top of the page are really nice pictures. On the first page on the site at the bottom there is a link to the webguy send an email and let him know how you like the pictures. Really big fish and lots of fun. throw in beer drinking and great fellowship. if you ever get the chance you should visit. it's a great place with great people.

Never been surf fishing always wanted to go deep sea fishing though but not many places in PA to do that. Most of my friends have families and it is hard for any of us to get away. Really do need to find the time to do this.

Also what is this alternate universe does it have someting to do with the web site above?

[ernest88]

Aw, Grasshopper.
You ask too many questions ;)You should learn about surf fishing. It's relaxing. So just go learn about surf fishing. Quote boxes are nice but not when talking about surf fishing. Your questions were answered above. Now just do it. You'll get a response later tonight. I'm real sure he's busy right now and can't get back to you at the moment.No more words Grasshopper--time for actions. You've learned quite a bit here. Just do it. No need to post about it.