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#1543726 - 08/02/08 05:35 PM Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance [Re: KenF]
MsMelancoly Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/08
Posts: 1106
Hi All, I see I have found the thread of The Meeting of the Mens Minds!! A very good thread!! M from Tennessee - I love your quotes!! Well, I'm here to answer the "fat female question". Although, I'm not sure I will be much help. I do agree with AO. I had gained 10 or 15lbs. My H always said he still loved my body or said that I was cute. I probably had that look as well of - thanks, but I don't believe you. I think that is probably the best response to give (what AO said). I myself didnt hold it against my H. (We both had gained weight & both started eating smaller portions). When my M started falling apart, I didnt realize my self-esteem was as well (& maybe at the center of it). I have since lost the weight & self esteem is back - for the most part. But I realized that no one could help fix my self esteem but ME. I have a friend, that always says she is fat. She does need to lose weight - but I don't tell her that. I say nothing. I read someplace many years ago - that when someone says they are fat - they are looking for you to say - no youre not. (To validate). With a S it definately is a difficult situation. I say she probably stopped working out because we all want instant results. We all know it doesn't happen that way. I say support her & encourage, when it feels right. Try a small compliment or encouragement first.

I don't know how to do this quote thing but what is this LL book .. you are talking about???

Ok a man question for you. Why are petite (short) women like me called cute & not beautiful??? I know compliment is a compliment & I should be happy to get one - right!!!! ;\)
_________________________
Me39, XH45
Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats
Divorced 6/4/09
Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)

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#1543731 - 08/02/08 05:44 PM Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance [Re: MsMelancoly]
Coach Offline
Member

Registered: 07/18/08
Posts: 5299
Cute vs Beautiful
Cute - think Meg Ryan or your buddies kid sister. I do think the height has a lot to do with it, plus you probably look young. Maybe short haircut and turnd up nose perhaps?
Beautiful - statueesque - implies the height thing, longer flowing hair, mature.
Plus what's on the inside matters. A smile and look of confidence go a long way.
_________________________
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

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#1543741 - 08/02/08 05:56 PM Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance [Re: Coach]
MsMelancoly Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/08
Posts: 1106
Coach - I think you are peeking my window!!! Thanks, for your cute definition - to the T - that's me - with a dash of sarcsm. Turned up nose, sounds a little Loius Prima to me. \:\)
_________________________
Me39, XH45
Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats
Divorced 6/4/09
Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)

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#1543878 - 08/02/08 11:04 PM Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance [Re: MsMelancoly]
ernest88 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/08
Posts: 5045
Quote:
don't know how to do this quote thing but what is this LL book .. you are talking about???


The 5 love languages.

thanks for the compliment. I appreciate it.

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#1543928 - 08/03/08 12:10 AM Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance [Re: Distressed67]
smartcookie Offline
Member

Registered: 05/04/08
Posts: 2978
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
I have a question for any ladies out there.

My W has a gym at her work. She is on a cycle of starting to go does it for about three to six months then stops for a couple of months and then starts back up. Yesterday she went back and meet with a fitness person who did a BMI on her and of course she comes home and starts complaining that she if fat and ovrweight. My normal respoce is no your not, your beautiful, etc. She responds by either giving me a yea right look or a half hearted thank you but I am.

Yesterday I just listen, did not agree or try and dispute what she was saying. And let her just talk till she changed the subject to something else.

My question is, how do I as a DAM respond to these no win questions. "Do you think these make me look fat" or "I'm fat and need to lose weight". I know this is a touchy subject for women and I cannot find a good reponce that keeps me out of trouble. Any help would be nice.


You are totally right, this is a no win situation. "Do you think these make me look fat" your answer always has to be "No sweetheart, you look great". She says, "I'm fat & need to lose weight" you say "not in my opinion". If you stay quiet & don't disagree, you're digging your own grave. \:\)

If you try "baby I love every inch of you" she hears, he thinks I'm fat. "I love how you look", she hears, he thinks I'm fat & doesn't want to hurt my feelings. "you look gorgeous to me" she hears, maybe I'm not gorgeous to other men, just my H.

You could try "what did your personal trainer say" or stay with facts "what is your bmi"

Then there's the positive aspect...."you're thinner than when you were pregnant". \:\)

So, if you make any comment about anything she is eating, you're in the doghouse. LOL If you offer her to serve her ice cream, she realizes that you are okay with how she looks. Just keep offering ice cream, & telling her she's beautiful. lol
_________________________
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months
4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10
I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.

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#1543964 - 08/03/08 12:39 AM Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance [Re: smartcookie]
steady Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/08
Posts: 1443
Loc: New York
Distressed, just stopping in to see how you are doing. Great question about the 'do I look fat' thing.

I love smartcookies response:

Honey, do I look fat in these pants?
Here, have some ice cream.
But ice cream is fattening.
You look beautiful, have some ice cream.
But....
Have some freeking ice cream already!

LOL

Ken
_________________________
MySitch
Me-47
STBXW-41
D-5
S-8
ILYBNILWY-01/08
Want a D- 01/09
Physical Sep-01/10
D filed-06/10
Got 50% custody=09/11
Ride that wave!

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#1544106 - 08/03/08 09:24 AM Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance [Re: MsMelancoly]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Originally Posted By: MsMelancoly
Hi All, I see I have found the thread of The Meeting of the Mens Minds!! A very good thread!! M from Tennessee - I love your quotes!! Well, I'm here to answer the "fat female question". Although, I'm not sure I will be much help. I do agree with AO. I had gained 10 or 15lbs. My H always said he still loved my body or said that I was cute. I probably had that look as well of - thanks, but I don't believe you. I think that is probably the best response to give (what AO said). I myself didnt hold it against my H. (We both had gained weight & both started eating smaller portions). When my M started falling apart, I didnt realize my self-esteem was as well (& maybe at the center of it). I have since lost the weight & self esteem is back - for the most part. But I realized that no one could help fix my self esteem but ME. I have a friend, that always says she is fat. She does need to lose weight - but I don't tell her that. I say nothing. I read someplace many years ago - that when someone says they are fat - they are looking for you to say - no youre not. (To validate). With a S it definately is a difficult situation. I say she probably stopped working out because we all want instant results. We all know it doesn't happen that way. I say support her & encourage, when it feels right. Try a small compliment or encouragement first.



My W and I both gained weight since we married of course, I just got off the stress/ emotional roller coaster diet and lost over 20 lbs on it. Not the greatest diet but effective. \:\) But I know she wants to lose weight when she mentioned it on Saturday I suggested that we do some of the exercises at home this way she can work on her problem areas and I can work on mine together. I thought this was a good way to say I undertand your feelings on this and I support you.


Originally Posted By: MsMelancoly

I don't know how to do this quote thing but what is this LL book .. you are talking about???



Damn, MFT beat me too it again.


Originally Posted By: MsMelancoly

Ok a man question for you. Why are petite (short) women like me called cute & not beautiful??? I know compliment is a compliment & I should be happy to get one - right!!!! ;\)


I will get back to you on this one.

Thanks for your imput I really like different opinions so I have choices next time she askes.


Edited by Distressed67 (08/03/08 09:25 AM)
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Thread #10

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#1544109 - 08/03/08 09:26 AM Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance [Re: Coach]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Originally Posted By: Coach
Cute vs Beautiful
Cute - think Meg Ryan or your buddies kid sister. I do think the height has a lot to do with it, plus you probably look young. Maybe short haircut and turnd up nose perhaps?
Beautiful - statueesque - implies the height thing, longer flowing hair, mature.
Plus what's on the inside matters. A smile and look of confidence go a long way.


I have to agree except I would have to go with Christy Brinkley when I think cute.
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Thread #10

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#1544121 - 08/03/08 09:39 AM Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance [Re: smartcookie]
Distressed67 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/08
Posts: 1174
Originally Posted By: smartcookie

You are totally right, this is a no win situation. "Do you think these make me look fat" your answer always has to be "No sweetheart, you look great". She says, "I'm fat & need to lose weight" you say "not in my opinion". If you stay quiet & don't disagree, you're digging your own grave. \:\)



You are right SC I was hoping you would help out here. I just needed to be sure I was doing it right and with three ladies saying the same thing I will continue to disagree.

Thanks all.

Originally Posted By: smartcookie

If you try "baby I love every inch of you" she hears, he thinks I'm fat. "I love how you look", she hears, he thinks I'm fat & doesn't want to hurt my feelings. "you look gorgeous to me" she hears, maybe I'm not gorgeous to other men, just my H.

You could try "what did your personal trainer say" or stay with facts "what is your bmi"



You are correct on all of these responces and I did not ask what her BMI was that to me is like asking a women her age or weight. Not even going there.


Originally Posted By: smartcookie

Then there's the positive aspect...."you're thinner than when you were pregnant". \:\)



I'm trying to save my M not have myself put in traction at the local hospital for being ran over by my W in a car.


Originally Posted By: smartcookie

So, if you make any comment about anything she is eating, you're in the doghouse. LOL If you offer her to serve her ice cream, she realizes that you are okay with how she looks. Just keep offering ice cream, & telling her she's beautiful. lol


She is very good about what the whole family eats and yes I would never ever comment on anything she eats. Learned that a long, long time a ago.

Thanks again SC. Have not been over to your sitch for quite a while too hard to follow with all the people that post. Do have one question. How did the letter to your father go? Did you get a responce or is he gone for good now? Hopefully the latter for you.

Take care

Tim
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Thread #10

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#1544351 - 08/03/08 03:41 PM Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance [Re: Distressed67]
MsMelancoly Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/08
Posts: 1106
How about turning the "fat" question around? I know, ok, I'm guessing, that a man would never make an issues out of gaining weight that women do. But, if you men said to your W the same thing (am I fat, do these pants make me look fat) - what would she say & would a man think its a genuine statement?

I will say "bravo" - to my H who said he loved my body - even when I did gain weight. Thinking about it more, I probably did give him that look - but deep down inside, I did believe him. In a way he was saying (or atleast I think he's saying), I know you don't have the "movie star" body, ya never did, ya never will (& I know I never did nor ever will - honestly - I do) and that's not so important to me, I love you all of you. Ah, maybe I'm grasping at straws.
_________________________
Me39, XH45
Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats
Divorced 6/4/09
Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)

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