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#1541404 - 07/31/08 11:40 PM Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4032
Loc: NY
Continuing.

OK SG...I'm still being careful to summarize and only quote small parts.(to put this in perspective for you, the pdf is 200 pages).

Quote:

During an affair, a woman may for the very first time in her life have sex for no other reason than for pleasure. She is not having sex in order to please a man with the hope of snagging him nor is she having sex to keep him......she's having sex for one reason and that is to experience sexual pleasure. If sex really isn't that important to women, then why are they willing to give up everything for it?


The portion deals with women's anger and revenge. It talks about all this repressed anger that comes out even if their H's treated them nicely. She talks about how some men used the word evil to describe their W.

The frightening thing here..is that she talks about how many women in this group are unable to get over their anger..that there is a paradox in that even tho' the men are the ones being divorced and hurt..they seem to be able to let go of the anger more quickly. A quote from a different book is used:

Originally Posted By: Divorced Dads

..wives are enraged that their husbands behaved during the marriage in ways that caused the wife to terminate her marriage, shattering her dreams for the future

Many of the women interviewed go on to continually try and punish their H's and cause them pain.

Comments on anger and why they hang onto it forever:
  • protects them from future pain
  • punishment
  • manipulation
  • intimidation


Our response to their anger:
  • we accept it out of fear of losing them
  • we accept it because we blame ourselves for the demise of the M
  • "whoever gets the angriest wins"


Sadly, for us H's:
  • the above behaviors, or, our taking TOTAL responsibility for the blame, alleviates ANY responsibility for their part in the destruction of our R
  • our W learns..the first time she gets angry at us...that we are afraid; they get us to walk on our favorite DB word..eggshells

FIB
_________________________
Me 54; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D10)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

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#1541427 - 08/01/08 12:13 AM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: faithisbelieving]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
I think I DID know you are a surgeon. But I forgot.

How do you have enough time to post all this?

Is that what MY surgeon is doing now.


I gotta tell you, my surgeon was the best on my medical team. I was really in the position of coordinating that in a sense.


My GI, the oncologist and the surgeon.

The GI recommended the surgeon and had worked with the oncologist. The oncologist recommended chemo and radiation before surgery. I called the surgeon. He said hold off and come in first. I was so glad I did. He was just amazing from beginning to end. And so was his whole staff. In fact....the best of any medical professionals I ever had.



You know....I REALLY don't want spouses stressing our surgeons out. Don't they have any sense. Don't they know you need to have steady hands, feet and everything else?????

What ARE they THINKING??????



Edited by sgctxok (08/01/08 12:14 AM)
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#1541430 - 08/01/08 12:15 AM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: sgctxok]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
Oh...and YOU need to STOP TYPING. You shouldn't overwork your hands!!!

You have to be careful with them.


Please get a voice-activated thing for your computer...ok?
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#1541448 - 08/01/08 12:32 AM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: sgctxok]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4032
Loc: NY
You are too funny sgct. I type...late at night...when all are asleep. Eg, I finished helping my friend/colleague tonite with a small bowel resection and a colostomy for a perforation. My kids were out with my STBXW tonite so that worked out OK. They are all asleep.

Funny thing....one thing I have lost..is the one person I could come home to...and tell how well the surgery went...or...how I lost a patient. I got called into one rainy night last year...an elderly couple was hit crossing the road after the reception of their nephew or niece. I was on call and I was responsible for the wife, the husband having been transferred to another hospital. She was pretty badly injured...and she died.

I came home....and didn't have my wife to talk to. I lay by myself after my inability to stave off death.

I couldn't have felt more alone...and in pain.

FIB
_________________________
Me 54; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D10)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

Top
#1541555 - 08/01/08 06:40 AM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: faithisbelieving]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
I don't know how you do it.


Edited by sgctxok (08/01/08 06:41 AM)
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#1541726 - 08/01/08 09:51 AM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: sgctxok]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4032
Loc: NY
Sometimes...under this pressure....I'm not sure either.

I had a rough morning. I asked my daughter to call me today:
D5: Mommy doesn't let me...I swear.

Without anger, I brought this up to her. She attacked me...accused me of the same. She went upstairs and brought our daughter down and discussed this in front of her....which hurt. I had tears on the way to work feeling that I violated my daughter's confidentiality.

My W attacked me:
-"you're a piece of work"
-"if you knew what the children told me about the things that YOU'VE done"...I should tell my attorney
-"you should move on"
-in response to hitting below the belt with the first comment, "and what about you talking about my lack of integrity?"

It was a brief angry flurry between the two of us.

I drove to work...hurting...shaking...buttons pushed. The phone rings..it's my son calling me then my daughter gets on. I chat with both and tell them how much I love them. I asked to speak with mommy:

ME: XXX....I'm sorry for this morning and probably overreacted to D5's comment..but...I'd like us to get back to where we were a few weeks ago and drop the anger. I'm sorry that you are so angry...that you don't love me anymore...that you've lost your sexual desire for me....but...I'm doing everything possible to facilitate this so you can go on with your life and find the happiness and fulfillment that you want since it is NOT with me. The valuation of my practice is what's holding this back.
XXX: I do love you.
Me: Please...please stop saying that.
XXX: OK.

Sg....please...you can't POSSIBLY say that you see hope here.

My errors....still....getting dragged into this....believing a 5 year old...bringing this up before work.....still not totally detached.

FIB
_________________________
Me 54; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D10)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

Top
#1541763 - 08/01/08 10:08 AM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: faithisbelieving]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
I do.

But I don't live with it.

I am NOT trying to talk you into this situation.

Because even though I see the glimmers of hope -- I DON'T KNOW what it would take from you.

Peace is important. Really important. You do what you need to do.

It is sooooooooooo wrong to drag a little girl into this.



FIB....you have done enough...if YOU have peace, that's where you should be.

When I challenge, I challenge others advice to you, I'm not challenging YOUR ACTIONS. It's YOUR life and the lives of YOUR family.

You are a good man with a good heart....most likely a GREAT MAN with a GREAT heart. You are making the decisions with more knowledge than I or anyone here has about you and your situation.


God loves you so much and you have been faithful. He will comfort you and care for you and provide a way for you and your children....and your wife to have peace and love no matter how you work this out. You know the way to peace here.
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#1541913 - 08/01/08 11:15 AM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: sgctxok]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4032
Loc: NY
Choked up...thank you. I really did try. She is so closed, but, I understand why now. You are here longer than I...you know that although there is a chance for many here..and they deserve that chance...that..some spouse's are just so far gone by the time we get here that the chances of saving it are horrible.

I do believe that the people who come here are sorta like the patients now who come thru the ER....just very ill and they need 'intensive care' and oft times major surgery. Some don't make it.

Sadly, I just happened to fall in love with a woman that had the type of character and personality that would contribute (yes, with me) to an unsuccessful marriage. It hurts, still, but I've banged my head against the wall enough to realize that it's futile. I'm sure you know that, despite this, I continue to try and DB...for me (eg, above...I still apologized to her afterward adn took responsibility for what I wrote above).

For me...I am stuck in my house now...with her...making full detachment difficult. Ironically, I am envious of bworl in a way. His wife literally ejected, D'd him rapidly and left him with him with his son. I hope he realizes how 'lucky' he was.

And thank you for your prayers...I need them now. I have a lot on my plate and, sometimes, it amazes even ME how I am still going. It's been over 2 years of hell.

BIF
_________________________
Me 54; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D10)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

Top
#1541964 - 08/01/08 11:35 AM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: faithisbelieving]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving
Choked up...thank you. I really did try. She is so closed, but, I understand why now. You are here longer than I...you know that although there is a chance for many here..and they deserve that chance...that..some spouse's are just so far gone by the time we get here that the chances of saving it are horrible.

I do believe that the people who come here are sorta like the patients now who come thru the ER....just very ill and they need 'intensive care' and oft times major surgery. Some don't make it.

Sadly, I just happened to fall in love with a woman that had the type of character and personality that would contribute (yes, with me) to an unsuccessful marriage. It hurts, still, but I've banged my head against the wall enough to realize that it's futile. I'm sure you know that, despite this, I continue to try and DB...for me (eg, above...I still apologized to her afterward adn took responsibility for what I wrote above).

For me...I am stuck in my house now...with her...making full detachment difficult. Ironically, I am envious of bworl in a way. His wife literally ejected, D'd him rapidly and left him with him with his son. I hope he realizes how 'lucky' he was.

And thank you for your prayers...I need them now. I have a lot on my plate and, sometimes, it amazes even ME how I am still going. It's been over 2 years of hell.

BIF


YOU've gottem...and a lot of em, BIF.

Just place her in God's hands. You don't have to 'detach' ... just 'release' and breathe.

Just like you do your patients.

God has got it down.

And he has plans to prosper you. When you seek him with all your heart you will find him. And his burden is easy and the yoke is light.

You deserve that. and it will come.
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#1542099 - 08/01/08 12:52 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: faithisbelieving]
sofaraway Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 10111
Loc: Memphis, TN
Quote:
XXX: I do love you


FIB, understand that this is why a lot of people don't understand.

She has no reason to say this anymore, yet she does.

You and I know that it is just part of her being lost and gone, but to an outside eye, this is significant and enough for some to hold out hope.


Hang tough FIB, do not chase the rabbit, you will never catch it.


Ian
_________________________
M- 42
XW- mentally 14
KIDS- 3- S14, D17, D23
Married- 17 years
Divorce final- 10/16/09


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#1542172 - 08/01/08 01:13 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: sofaraway]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11331
I do love you.

Yeah...

Its a qualifier. For whatever reason, for whatever need, it is not the same as:

"I love you."

But "I do love you. Depsite my actions, and everything, despite that I don't love you like I did, and more like a cousin I want to kick while our moms aren't looking. I do love you."

Lucy Van Pelt, Charlie Brown, and a football.

Safety net, and fear.
"It's not you, its me."

Do...

screw that.



Edited by Jack_Three_Beans (08/01/08 01:14 PM)
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#1542194 - 08/01/08 01:20 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: sofaraway]
dl443322 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/07
Posts: 4042
Oh FIB, I am so sorry for your pain.
This is what you wrote to me:

"I think you have to take a deep breath and step back....and STOP. Just stop. You don't realize that you are killing yourself and eating yourself up."

"Back down."
"Take a deep breath."
"Refocus."

Sorry to throw your words back at you but they were good advice.
Think before you act and speak. Try not to get into those conversations with her.

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#1542273 - 08/01/08 01:48 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: dl443322]
glamgirl Offline
Member

Registered: 04/28/07
Posts: 3481
FIB I don't think I have posted to you before, but your W can still love you. It may just be a different kind of love.

Realize that you are not dealing with any rational human being right now. So for you to have a discussion with her about comments from daughter you couldn't expect anything less than the outcome that happened.

I wouldn't be having any conversations wtih her right now. Go see the movie "Fireproof" when it comes out in September and you might just change your whole perspective on your M.
_________________________
Me 50
H 42
S 22
S 9
D 7
M 12
T 17
H moved out 8/2006
H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks
H moved home 5/2011 for good

"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"

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#1542274 - 08/01/08 01:48 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: dl443322]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11331
FIB,

On a personal note.

I am honored to know you, even in this small way.

The view I have here is that you are going to agonize over this. You are going to torment yourself, until you are sure you did everything in your power, that your choices were correct. You might even rip apart your own self esteem.

You might not even get to the idea that you made the right choices if you do not allow it...flagellation can be self inflicted.

The scary thought I just had...

Is that you don't allow yourself to stop.

I understand the process, I went through it, just not to your extent.

God I hope that isn't the case FIB.


Burn out your questions and doubt. Get the answers or get rid of the questions, but have no regrets. You are above and beyond reproach here... But it doesn't matter unless you know that. It doesn't matter who tells that to you unless you believe it.

My prayers are that you trust in yourself. And believe in your choices.

One day this will all be a memory you occasionally dust off and examine. Your children will be grown, hale and healthy. Someone will squeeze your hand and you will be happy with your choices and whom you made your life with.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#1542364 - 08/01/08 02:11 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
glamgirl Offline
Member

Registered: 04/28/07
Posts: 3481
FIB do a search on fireproof movie and maybe this is something your could take your w to, like a date.

At least your w is still at home unlike the rest of us who must DB from a distance.

Have you really tried everything? If you can walk away and say I did my best I tried everything then you are done.

Recently my h said you have NOT done everything. Makes me think that I still need to work on myself.

Based on your interaction with your w maybe you still need to work on yourself too.
_________________________
Me 50
H 42
S 22
S 9
D 7
M 12
T 17
H moved out 8/2006
H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks
H moved home 5/2011 for good

"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"

Top
#1542373 - 08/01/08 02:14 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: glamgirl]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11331
Quote:

At least your w is still at home unlike the rest of us who must DB from a distance.


Glam...

That doesn't make it easier, or harder, just different. Be careful what you wish for.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


Top
#1542406 - 08/01/08 02:23 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
glamgirl Offline
Member

Registered: 04/28/07
Posts: 3481
I am sure it is different Jack, but you have more opportunities to be with them and maybe I am dilusional but they haven't abandoned you so it may feel like they still want to work on the M.

When they uproot and leave it's pure abandonment and you have to deal with those emotions.

That is why I think FIB should see that movie, he has the perfect opportunity to apply himself in the M everyday.

For us that have been left we get maybe once a week at best to apply ourselves.

None of this is easy!
_________________________
Me 50
H 42
S 22
S 9
D 7
M 12
T 17
H moved out 8/2006
H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks
H moved home 5/2011 for good

"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"

Top
#1542429 - 08/01/08 02:35 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
WCW Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/05
Posts: 4986
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Quote:

At least your w is still at home unlike the rest of us who must DB from a distance.


Glam...

That doesn't make it easier, or harder, just different. Be careful what you wish for.
Um, I will second that! Living with a person who doesn't want you in their life is excrutiating pain too. You never get a break from it. You have to put on the Act As If 24/7.

glam, we could probably all agree that as we look back on the past there is something we would have done differently to try and affect the future we are now in. Fact is we can't change the past, we can only live now the best way we know how.

FIB, I remember many drives to work that I was crying and shaking from a bad interaction with H. I am sorry that you are still living it, and your W drags the kids into the middle of it.

Maybe you just don't post about it anymore, but it does seem that your W has grown up in someways and is better about being with the kids instead of feeling angry that she has to take time to be their mother. Would that be true? that she has made a bit of a change that way?
_________________________
Live your life while you are still living.
Riding the trail less traveled.

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#1542627 - 08/01/08 03:35 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: WCW]
fig Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/06
Posts: 10659
Loc: Minnesota
Jack

i 2nd your post about 2nd guessing

FIB

no one has walked your walk or known the depth of what you have done

rest easy in the fact that you have tried your hardest

a marriage takes two
thats why it is called a partnership

you can't force someone to be a partner when they take a job somewhere else

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#1542711 - 08/01/08 04:14 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: fig]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
thats it....rest those hands! \:\)
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#1542831 - 08/01/08 05:12 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: sgctxok]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4032
Loc: NY
Glamgirl..thanks so much for coming aboard and adding fresh perspective to this.
Quote:
FIB do a search on fireproof movie and maybe this is something your could take your w to, like a date.

We have two orders of protection against each other and this is not possible right now.

Quote:
At least your w is still at home unlike the rest of us who must DB from a distance.

This may be good in the beginning of DB'ing, but, it has become a curse right now. In many ways, I wish she was out.Being together under the same roof during a D..is just not easy. It predisposes to backslides....trying to discuss anything is nearly impossible without the kids hearing..the children KNOW something is wrong..and if your spouse was infidelitous, you must suffer (or get over) the lack of knowledge of their whereabouts.

Quote:
Have you really tried everything? If you can walk away and say I did my best I tried everything then you are done.

I did my best. I tried everything.

Quote:
Recently my h said you have NOT done everything. Makes me think that I still need to work on myself.

Based on your interaction with your w maybe you still need to work on yourself too.

Either that? Or...you are victimizing YOURSELF and still blaming yourself for what has gone on in your M (I don't know your sitch)
Overall, with regards to changes/working on ourself...Don't we all? Forever? For everyone...even if they are in a healthy M?

FIB
_________________________
Me 54; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D10)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

Top
#1542849 - 08/01/08 05:22 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: WCW]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4032
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: WCW
it does seem that your W has grown up in someways and is better about being with the kids instead of feeling angry that she has to take time to be their mother. Would that be true? that she has made a bit of a change that way?


My W, since filing, remains to be committed to the kids from what I can see. She appears to have gotten more aggressive....supermom. The kids don't complain to me like they used to. There still are some negs:
  • more fast food than home cooked meals (I know, I know)
  • still uses the kids, to a degree, against me
  • still competes against me as a parent: eg, she started D5 on piano lessons. I did work in her workbook one night. She now keeps the piano books locked in her car

IMO, she is parenting better, but, still cannot control her outbursts in front of them. More mature? Not sure if that is the right word...playing a parenting game? Perhaps. I don't know anymore.
FIB
_________________________
Me 54; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D10)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

Top
#1542852 - 08/01/08 05:24 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: faithisbelieving]
Drew Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 1992
FIB,

Worry about you. And your kids.

Trust me, it's easier that way.
_________________________
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.

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#1542906 - 08/01/08 06:12 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: Drew]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4032
Loc: NY
Drew....got it. Thanks. FIB
_________________________
Me 54; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D10)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

Top
#1542971 - 08/01/08 07:04 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: faithisbelieving]
glamgirl Offline
Member

Registered: 04/28/07
Posts: 3481
FIB I don't know your sitch only bits and pieces but from an outside perspective it seems like you are expecting so much to change without making changes for the better in yourself.

For example the outburst with D and then discussing with W. You have not yet learned how to communicate.

The comments about fast food. Did you ever think maybe your w is doing the best that she can.

I don't really see the compassion for your w and maybe that is due to past hurts, but if you really are trying to heal your M you will need to dig much deeper.

I am not sure what an order of protection is, but could that be dropped. Would that be a starting point?
_________________________
Me 50
H 42
S 22
S 9
D 7
M 12
T 17
H moved out 8/2006
H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks
H moved home 5/2011 for good

"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"

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#1542976 - 08/01/08 07:08 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: glamgirl]
Bworl Offline
Member

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 2895
Loc: North Carolina
Glam,

You are so off base with that statement. You just have no idea.

Go back and read all of FIB's threads.

Not to get pissy about it or anything, but you have no idea what this man has done or been through. And I know you mean well. It's even nice to, as FIB said, get that fresh perspective every once in awhile.

But you keep telling this man that he has not done much to change himself or to improve himself.

And you are so wrong.

Out of ignorance.

Go back and read.

Then come back and post.

FIB,

Lucky now. Didn't seem lucky at the time.

And I'm not sure my sons consider themselves to be lucky that Mom flew the coop 500 miles away, but it's definitely made it easier for me.

Your time will come.

End game.


Blessings,

Bill
_________________________
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

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#1542977 - 08/01/08 07:09 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: glamgirl]
glamgirl Offline
Member

Registered: 04/28/07
Posts: 3481
I know that it seems everyone is rooting you on and saying good for you get D. Those are the words of the world.

It seems like I read that w doesn't want a D and even recently said she still loved you. Now that doesn't sound to me like someone that is done with the M.

Sometimes FIB you need to take a step way way back and look at life through another set of glasses. Put the rose colored glasses on not the gray ones that you are always wearing.
_________________________
Me 50
H 42
S 22
S 9
D 7
M 12
T 17
H moved out 8/2006
H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks
H moved home 5/2011 for good

"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"

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#1542979 - 08/01/08 07:14 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: glamgirl]
Bworl Offline
Member

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 2895
Loc: North Carolina
Alright, now you're starting to piss ME off.

There is no one here rooting for FIB to be divorced.

In fact, every OTHER (note, you not included - hard to participate from that lofty pedestal) person posting here is absolutely GRIEVING with FIB.

Again, you are writing out of ignorance.

And it's ok when you're offering friendly reminders of the basics of DB'ing.

But when you start hurling accusations, I think that's a bit too far.

Please, PLEASE go back and read this man's story before you start telling him that he is looking through gray colored glasses.


And by the way....

"Rose colored glasses" is supposed to be a BAD thing, not a good thing. It means you see everything as good, in a pollyann type way, rather than looking at things and seeing reality.


Please...stop.


Bill
_________________________
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

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#1543003 - 08/01/08 07:35 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: Bworl]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4032
Loc: NY
Quote:

For example the outburst with D and then discussing with W. You have not yet learned how to communicate.


I think you missed something here. When I told my W that my daughter said to me: "Mommy doesn't let me call you daddy, I swear" I mentioned it calmly to my W.

My W then walked upstairs, brought our daughter downstairs, violated my trust with her by telling her that I spoke with my W..."reprimanded her"...then told me "I was a piece of work".

Communication? Involving the children? Hurting them?

No Glam.....I think you have this mixed up, but, I appreciate your perspective.

My fault here.....was bringing it up while the kids were in the house. NOT BRINGING IT UP VIOLATES MY OBLIGATION TO MY CHILDREN TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE FREE TO CALL THEIR DADDY.

Kids fantasize and certainly a 5 year old could do so. I don't call my W names in a discussion.

FIB
_________________________
Me 54; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D10)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

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#1543008 - 08/01/08 07:38 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: Bworl]
dl443322 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/07
Posts: 4042
FIB, please, please, please take a time out from all this. Stop reading and dissecting (sorry, I know you are a surgeon) and going over everything again and again.

You did the very best you could, more than most would, and you deserve a rest. Take one. Do something just for you. Something mindless and light.

You are a good man, a good person who was dealt a bad hand. No one knows what the future holds, but I have to believe that good matters, honesty and integrity matter.

Hold those children close. Keep your head up high. It is your wife's loss all the way around. And one day, you will be happy.

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#1543011 - 08/01/08 07:41 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: faithisbelieving]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4032
Loc: NY
Quote:
I know that it seems everyone is rooting you on and saying good for you get D. Those are the words of the world.


Are they doing that?

I hadn't notice them doing that.

Glam...have you noticed an irony here yet?
  • I don't want a divorce either, yet I filed to protect myself and my children from further pain and hurt
  • my W doesn't want a divorce but does nothing to save it and sees men in dark parking lots

(scratching head)
FIB
_________________________
Me 54; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D10)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

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#1543014 - 08/01/08 07:44 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: faithisbelieving]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
I think BIF/FIB .... in 'dissecting' is providing respect to his posters (as he does his patients) and also providing teachable moments...on both sides of the issue.


On the other hand BIF:

rest those hands!!!
(as I gear up for my next roto-rooter)


Edited by sgctxok (08/01/08 07:45 PM)
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#1543018 - 08/01/08 07:45 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: faithisbelieving]
dl443322 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/07
Posts: 4042
FIB, I know you dont want a divorce, I dont either. But you know what, right now, our spouses are not worthy of us.

You did what you had to do. It was the right thing. You have to always put your children first. They are the priority always.

Now, what are you going to do for yourself tonight? Come on, let's think of something. A movie? A walk? bikeride? a book?
stargazing? Come on! Do it!

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#1543022 - 08/01/08 07:49 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: dl443322]
dl443322 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/07
Posts: 4042
SG, I know that in 'dissecting' he is providing respect to his posters and also providing teachable moments...on both sides of the issue. And we all appreciate it and respect him for it.

I meant dissecting his situation. And I am just saying to take a little break from it for now, ya know. I was not trying to offend in any way, FIB. I just care about you and worry that it is all too much right now.


Edited by beginnersmind (08/01/08 07:49 PM)

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#1543024 - 08/01/08 07:51 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: faithisbelieving]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4032
Loc: NY
Some continuing from the PDF:

Ambivalence in one partner leads to-->ambivalence in the other partner which leads to--->indifference in one partner which leads to--->indifference in the other partner which leads to---->>>LIMBO. This then becomes a difficult situation to break and leads to difficulty breaking out. Sucks the energy out of you and you lose self estem.

FIB
_________________________
Me 54; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D10)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

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#1543030 - 08/01/08 07:55 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: faithisbelieving]
faithisbelieving Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/06
Posts: 4032
Loc: NY
The PDF says that change is good. I think we can all agree on change and excitment. I'm going to CA, next week, alone, while my W takes the kids up to CT to visit her sister and their new cousins.

I find comfort in ONE thing about the PDF...to break the limbo and to avoid the hurt and 'punishment', she tells you to let go completely.

Hey frank...you were right.

SG...hands getting a rest now. Enough surgery for today.

BM....great idea...I have no ER tonite, but, a few minutes out might be nice.

Thanks for all your support. FIB
_________________________
Me 54; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D10)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;

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#1543041 - 08/01/08 08:00 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: faithisbelieving]
glamgirl Offline
Member

Registered: 04/28/07
Posts: 3481
FIB your w is in a serious crisis right now and will not be able to work on the M until the crisis is over.

I am not sure how a D will protect you and your children from further hurt and pain, but you did what you needed to do.

It seemed like your posts that you vasilated between did I do the right thing or not in regards to the D. I was only giving an outside perspective since it seems clear from your posts that you and your w have a huge breakdown in communication.

You said it yourself, you have done everything!
_________________________
Me 50
H 42
S 22
S 9
D 7
M 12
T 17
H moved out 8/2006
H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks
H moved home 5/2011 for good

"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"

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#1543153 - 08/01/08 10:00 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: glamgirl]
yenko69 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 610
Loc: kansas
FIB,

I have been reading your posts for awhile now, but have not posted.

I think you are putting to much stock into this PDF. Everyone is different and every situation is different. I would suggest that you stop putting to much stock into someones situation that is not as unique as yours.

Although we have different career paths I understand where you are coming from and the trials that you have encountered. When you are on the career path of "helping" others above your own safety or sanity it is hard to quit. You try and try and sometimes destroy yourself in the process. But, you can't give up and continue to move forward no matter what your personal sacrifices may be.

Take the time in CA and start to evaluate yourself and you M. As you know your "failures" are only what you make them out to be and how you let it effect your life. I do admire your commitment in sitch and wish you the best of luck.
_________________________
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1554666

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#1543505 - 08/02/08 11:57 AM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: glamgirl]
AmyC Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/05
Posts: 12896
Loc: Virginia
Originally Posted By: glamgirl
FIB your w is in a serious crisis right now and will not be able to work on the M until the crisis is over.

I am not sure how a D will protect you and your children from further hurt and pain, but you did what you needed to do.

It seemed like your posts that you vasilated between did I do the right thing or not in regards to the D. I was only giving an outside perspective since it seems clear from your posts that you and your w have a huge breakdown in communication.

You said it yourself, you have done everything!


Glamgirl,
Even a person that is "in serious crisis" as you say has enough sense to form one sentence. FIB recently gave his wife a(nother) golden opportunity to express herself and say she wanted HIM. It wouldn't have taken a grand speech either so even someone that is lacking in communication skills could have pulled it off. All she had to do was tell him why she didn't want a divorce. The best the woman could come up with was that she is scared. No "because I love you"s, no statements of regret over the things she has done and the family she wants to save - NOTHING.

I urged FIB to give her that one last chance to express herself because I felt she HAD BEEN in crisis and might have still been kind of like a deer in headlights in the aftermath.

After she offered him less than nothing - and I continued reading - it occured to me, this man is a doctor, a surgeon - he did not marry a dipstick. She has to have some brains upstairs even if she hasn't used them much in the last couple of years. Point being - she CAN communicate. She just doesn't because she has nothing to say. She is content, I believe, to live like this as the wife of a doctor receiving all the perks that go along with it and not lifting one damn finger to support him.

The only crisis she is in is losing some of the comforts of life he has provided. And the community respect of being Dr. FIB's wife.

I do think she's crazy, though.

Like a fox.
_________________________
"The moment you declared yourselves independent of God, you became a danger to one another" - The Shack


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#1543632 - 08/02/08 02:27 PM Re: Loving husband, loving father, plaintiff III [Re: Bworl]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
Originally Posted By: Bworl
Alright, now you're starting to piss ME off.

There is no one here rooting for FIB to be divorced.

In fact, every OTHER (note, you not included - hard to participate from that lofty pedestal) person posting here is absolutely GRIEVING with FIB.

Again, you are writing out of ignorance.

And it's ok when you're offering friendly reminders of the basics of DB'ing.

But when you start hurling accusations, I think that's a bit too far.

Please, PLEASE go back and read this man's story before you start telling him that he is looking through gray colored glasses.


And by the way....

"Rose colored glasses" is supposed to be a BAD thing, not a good thing. It means you see everything as good, in a pollyann type way, rather than looking at things and seeing reality.


Please...stop.


Bill







It's time to stop discussing whether or not FIB should fight or not.

I'm locking the thread, so FIB can start his thread and let it continue...HIS way.



Edited by sgctxok (08/02/08 02:31 PM)
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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