So who is in control? The conscious or the sub-conscious?

Or dare I say the ego or the super-ego?

trusting, have to say I found the last one very interesting, one of my moments that springs to mind is a couple of weeks before ex got married to his ow he phoned me up ranting and raving as usual due to the fact that son didn't want to go to his wretched wedding, he screamed at me "if you can put that child through this you are an horrendous mother" excuse me but I wasnt the one due to walk down the aisle with the woman I deserted my son for. go figure, something tells me he wasn't sure about what he was about to embark on.

My H is king at No 24! My kids all used to ask me 'Why is dad doing this to us?' I did my utmost to find out for them and try and gently point out to him how much he was hurting them. His reaction every single time was to accuse me of being a bad mother. I eventually gave up and now just listen to and validate my children's feelings instead.

In one verymemorable instance I referred to FIL (who died when we were first M). I was trying to be supportive by saying that I understood why he was doing what he was and referred back to an incident that happened just prior to FILs death. H accused me of trying to hurt him through his father and told me it would't work as he was now getting help for that! I obviously struck gold with my assumptions but the result was clearly very skewed!

Ditto! Whenever D asks her father questions or expresses her anger, he accuses me of poisoning her relationship with him. In MC I have repeatedly demonstrated that their relationship is very important to me because it's critical for D's development as a young woman. But he continues to bring up this complaint as a smokescreen.

It is so important to pinpoint their moments or projection to help rationalize the irrational. I remember when my ex started to project, I thought I was going insane.

Sleeper,

I believe the subconscious is in control. It has this huge need to purge out all these feelings that have been stored and not processed. An internal vomiting so to speak. Yes, this is Freudian theory, but it is so relevant to the Ml'er.

I think H does this a lot, and even does it with our D. She's sensitive and emotional (used to think this was like me, but I think it's even more like him now). But instead of internalizing it like him and not getting out emotion, she gets it out -- like me.

So he's constantly telling her she needs to "toughen' up" -- which kills me because he this has not worked for him. And maybe he's telling her to toughen up because he can't say it to me?

Depression sign #25

ML'ERS CREATE CONFLICT/ARGUMENTS WITH LOVED ONES

Ml'ers create conflict/arguments with their LBS in order to have them respond in a NEGATIVE way. When the LBS responds in a negative way, i.e. anger, crying, panic, criticism, rejection, etc.... this enables the Ml'er to attach blame to LBS' normal defensive reactions. This also enables the Ml'er to justify their horrible behavior to themselves and others. For example, my ex started an argument with me one day on the way back from the grocery store. He said I should of been spending time with him alone instead of shopping for food for the kids. I told him how silly he was behaving and became angry. By the time we got home, he was so upset at my "insensitivity to his needs" that he left the house for that day and spent his time with the other woman.
Not only was this a way for him to make me look bad, but it was also a way for him to justify being with his "soulmate".
Much of the DB principles reinforce this theory. Act happy and GAL, don't cry, criticize or become emotional in front of the Ml'er. They will use this type of behavior against the LBS.

Yes, I'm sure that many on here recall the picking and fault-finding. I couldn't do anything right just before H left. In fact, a counselor warned me that that is when they are looking for an excuse to leave--when they pick and fault-find you to death.

I have to say that I have not missed that part at all. I had a sense of relief when H moved out because I wasn't going to be blamed for this and that any more.

So far I see my H in almost every one of these signs.

Trusting, how many more you got?

Just kidding, keep up the great work!