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#1546404 - 08/05/08 10:34 AM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: TRUSTING]
MidwesternGirl Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/06
Posts: 7941
Loc: SW USA
This is an interesting thread.

My husband has an obsessive-compulsive personality type and he says he has a "super strict conscience." The conscience thing makes it harder for him to forgive himself even if others forgive him.
_________________________
The Bomb: 08/05
H moves out: 06/2006
H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07
H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08
H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09
Divorced 08-12
Kids: 22, 20, 19

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#1546446 - 08/05/08 10:54 AM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: MidwesternGirl]
brandnewday Offline
Member

Registered: 04/25/05
Posts: 9678
Loc: Somewhere over the rainbow
Trusting,

I am not sure if I have ever posted to you before but I wanted to add something to this conversation.

First of all you are correct in saying that there was absolutely nothing that warranted having an affair. I know for myself that I was absolutely clueless my Husband was so unhappy in the Marriage. Receiving the bomb totally shocked me as I did not see it coming.

Secondly there is a grain of truth to many things that the MLC'er spews, although some of the things may be exagerated there are many things that needed to be changed in the Marriage. Perhaps what he perceives as "control" issues really are to him. Maybe you made him feel like a child? Who knows.

And thirdly, I understand that you want your Husband back and your Marriage saved, but have you really thought about the things he has said to you since all of this happened? Have you really made the changes? I see you rationalize many of his words into "MLCBS" but honestly not all of it is.
He does have valid points.


You keep generalizing MLC behavior as if none of what they say means anything. Part of understanding a MLC'er is to actually listen to the words they use and not brush it aside as hogwash. I don't buy that line of "believe nothing that they say and only half of what you see" it has been totally taken out of context.
_________________________
There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.

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#1546479 - 08/05/08 11:12 AM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: brandnewday]
TRUSTING Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/07
Posts: 2549
BrandNew,

Thank you for your input. Yes I have made some necessary changes in my life. I think regardless of a spouses MLC, one always has to grow and improve. My goal in life is to be as much like God as I possibly can and that includes forgiveness and finding a sense of peace in my life. I don't mean to generalize MLC, but am trying to do my best defining it and outlining how it affects the LBS.

I have a problem with people trying to put so much on the LBS. Yes, everyone needs to listen to their Ml'er and improve their behavior. However, the ML'er does so much damage, causes so much pain, inflicts so many wounds. I have much sympathy for anyone who experiences this. It is the next thing closest to hell. I am certainly not advocating that the ML'er has no valid points. I am advocating that the ML'er does not have a reasonable way to handle their pain and are inflicting their problems on many innocent and non-deserving LBS. That is just plain wrong in my book. Part of why I am writing this is to support the LBS. That is what this board is all about.
_________________________
Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11


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#1546572 - 08/05/08 12:18 PM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: TRUSTING]
brandnewday Offline
Member

Registered: 04/25/05
Posts: 9678
Loc: Somewhere over the rainbow
Trusting,
The MLC'er does have a way to handle their pain, which is why learning how to detach is so very important. Although it is at times hurtful and draining I prefered to be the one my Husband went to with his problems then the OW.

Once the LBS learns the art of detaching then it is no longer personal. I tried to come from the stance of just being a sounding board, and listening rather then being the victimized wife.

It goes back to the very basics of friendship. Although my Husband in MLC was not a person I would have chosen as a friend, one of us had to be the grown up. I had to learn how to listen and not say a word. I had to gain back his trust and make him see that I was not the enemy.

By the way, when did your Husband begin his MLC?
_________________________
There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.

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#1546593 - 08/05/08 12:25 PM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: brandnewday]
forward Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/06
Posts: 4043
"My goal in life is to be as much like God as I possibly can and that includes forgiveness and finding a sense of peace in my life. "

I admire this and also aspire to it.

But you know, I also aspire to having a bit of a devil in me. Because let's call it--a little bit o' devil is sexy. Ha ha ha ha ha. (sorry)

A little respect. Mistah! (Women, I recommend Aretha Franklin, highly.)
_________________________
M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
X has major medical issues
New Woman - died.
Remarried to new guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D


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#1546607 - 08/05/08 12:32 PM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: TRUSTING]
TRUSTING Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/07
Posts: 2549
Depression sign #31

ML'ERS TURN AWAY FROM THEIR GOD/RELIGIOUS PRACTICES.

This could very well fit under depression sign #30 (abandoning behaviors), but I feel it deserves a spot of its own. This category was suggested by someone on this board. I cannot take credit for this topic. I thank the person who suggested it.

Ml'ers seem to rebel, denounce, and turn away from their spirituality. They no longer practice the behaviors they
use to such as praying, going to church, reading the bible, following the 10 commandments. Issues of immorality come into question. Some ML'ers denounce their religion and question if there actually is a God. Some ML'ers just simply rebel and act out almost challenging God to consequent them. Other ML'ers try and experiment with a completely different religion to complement their change in thinking or lifestyle. Ml'ers are trying desperately to find or redefine their identity. The OW/OM is often taken on this rediscovery. Regardless, Ml'ers changes in this area are baffling for the LBS.


Edited by TRUSTING (08/05/08 12:36 PM)
_________________________
Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11


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#1546623 - 08/05/08 12:40 PM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: TRUSTING]
TRUSTING Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/07
Posts: 2549
Brand New Day,

He started a long time ago. I just really did not notice the subtle changes. We got divorced 12/07. He left the home 11/06. I would say he started his ML crisis sometime in 05.
_________________________
Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11


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#1546633 - 08/05/08 12:43 PM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: forward]
forward Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/06
Posts: 4043
As far as the grain of truth.

No, the petty crap we got hurled at us is not an excuse. But you know, the horse has left the barn and it is kind of too late to point that out. If we stay focused on that, what is that really accomplishing? Who wants to come back to a stern finger-wagging "Bad baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad MLCer?" I decided that *I* don't even like who I had become. And finger-wagging just puts us in the position of prudish mommies and I have decided that I WILL NOT play that role. Instead I want to be the attractive and interesting friend--who is slightly out of reach. hehe

If we say "MLC," we are diagnosing and I posted a ddifferent thread that points out the dangers to that. BUT I also believe that there is some benefit to recognizing that this is a possibility--it enables us to be more compassionate and perhaps to heal more quickly--for ourselves.

I like IMPs advice. I'm closing the door, not leaving it ajar. That doesn't mean the door cannot be opened again, though. I just think it is necessary to close the door on the past so I can consider my future. It is looking as if it will not include H, but then I need to consider future even more!!

I am not ready for my H to come home, even if he wanted to. I have a lot to do to sort out my feelings for what *I* want out of life. If our spouses follow the same paths of growth that we do, we need to consider what we need to do to move toward acceptance or they will not get there either.

So I was responsible and I am delighted to see that in D, a good amount of responsibility is going to fall to H now and this means I have the option to try some new things. If one spouse is over-responsible and the "mature one," the other one does not have to be. I think that in my case, I took on too much of the grown-up role which ENABLED H to live in his fantasy dream world.

So I'm taking back the fantasy drream world for ME.

And by the way, in terms of a dynamic--remember what the book says about the bike. If one spouse does all the work, the other can coast.



Edited by breton39 (08/05/08 12:46 PM)
_________________________
M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
X has major medical issues
New Woman - died.
Remarried to new guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D


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#1546682 - 08/05/08 01:02 PM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: TRUSTING]
brandnewday Offline
Member

Registered: 04/25/05
Posts: 9678
Loc: Somewhere over the rainbow
Trusting,

I think the things you are posting can be very helpful and I am not posting you to debate or disagree with you.
I guess I come from a different position then you and that is OK too.

My concern with so many of the things I read in so many of the threads is that there is so much focus on trying to understand why the MLC'er does so many of the things they do and trying to understand the various stages.

I know I did it too and after a while it became very emotionally draining. I had one of those crazy ones, and the things he did would make your toes curl. He was totally insane.

I guess what I wanted to say to you was that piecing is harder then actually dealing with the MLC'er. When they come back home you will not have the same relationship that you had for the previous 20 years. It is new because hopefully both of you will have made enough changes to be able to have a good and happy Marriage.

Working on forgiveness takes time and even though it was something I tried to do every single day during the crisis, once he returned home, actually putting it into practice was a totally different ballgame.

My Husband has been home now for about 16 months and now I can honestly say that things are good and I am happy, but it has been a process and a work in progress. This Friday we will be celebrating another wedding anniversary together and I can honestly say that I finally have something to celebrate.
_________________________
There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.

Top
#1547045 - 08/05/08 05:18 PM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: brandnewday]
TRUSTING Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/07
Posts: 2549
BND,

Thanks for explaining your intentions. I am so happy for you. Happy Anniversary. So piecing is harder than the actual crisis?
OMG!!!!

Tell me what made your H come home and back to you?
_________________________
Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11


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