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#1533544 - 07/26/08 11:38 AM Re: Onward and Upward 5 [Re: MichelleLT]
mishka422 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/07
Posts: 9502
Loc: GA
Saturday is here and the weekends are the hardest for me. Too much thinking time. I get busy doing things but my mind goes into overdrive dwelling on my sitch. I hate this!

How can I let this go? How can I stop the torturous visions in my head of my H, asleep right now after his all night shift, in HER bed. I feel so sick about it! The stop signs aren't working. Aversion therapy isn't working either - in the form of ever thickening rubber bands.

Why is this bothering me still? I want to move on with my life, such as it is. I just want a chance to live without the constant torture of his betrayal on my mind. I don't think I could ever love him again in the way a wife should because I could never trust him fully again. Blind trust got me in this situation in the first place. Blind, stupid, and naive. Gee, I'm every cheating bast**d's dream girl aren't I?

I'm fresh out of hope for any kind of future for me. I'm trying to focus on my son's future only and to heck with mine. I'm really done with my life. I'll work because I have to in order to keep a roof over his head. I'll go to church because it's the only place I have peace. I'll interact with my group because I feel a comfort in knowing I'm not alone. Happiness is just an illusion. We are not here for happiness, we are here to serve a purpose. I can't find that purpose.

On my way out to try to climb into my attic. This should be interesting considering I've never done it before. I hope the ladder doesn't fall and leave me stuck up there.

I'll post if I make it back in so nobody calls 911 on me!
_________________________
T19 M15 S19 XH46 M42
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!


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#1533551 - 07/26/08 11:53 AM Re: Onward and Upward 5 [Re: mishka422]
MichelleLT Offline
Member

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 9848
Loc: Nor Cal, USA
Originally Posted By: mishka422
I'm fresh out of hope for any kind of future for me. I'm trying to focus on my son's future only and to heck with mine. I'm really done with my life. I'll work because I have to in order to keep a roof over his head. I'll go to church because it's the only place I have peace. I'll interact with my group because I feel a comfort in knowing I'm not alone. Happiness is just an illusion. We are not here for happiness, we are here to serve a purpose. I can't find that purpose.
*ducks* And that's why you can't move on. You can't give up on yourself or your happiness! Being a mother means doing things for their needs and happiness, but it DOES NOT mean that you completely sacrifice yourself!

You are martyring yourself to your son just like you martryed yourself to your M and your H.

You are locked into a self-sacrificing cycle. You are sacrificing EVERYTHING for your mother and son. You need to change things up - ESPECIALLY with your mother!

I know it's hard, that you don't see how you can do it.

BUT SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE!

And soon.

((((((Mishka))))))

I hate seeing you like this.

I want you to be happy.
_________________________
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette
S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09
http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2

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#1533553 - 07/26/08 11:56 AM Re: Onward and Upward 5 [Re: MichelleLT]
Cinderellaman Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/06
Posts: 7791
Just so you start seeing YOU too can be happy ! xxx

Listen carefully ! There IS purpose ! xxx
_________________________
Love Cinders xxx

"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus

http://miesblogspot.blogspot.com/

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#1533593 - 07/26/08 12:59 PM Re: Onward and Upward 5 [Re: Cinderellaman]
mishka422 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/07
Posts: 9502
Loc: GA
I made it out of the attic with no broken bones and my neck intact. I guess that's a good thing.

Thank you Michelle and Cinders. I appreciate your perspectives. I can't see it, but I appreciate it.

I know I'm stuck and wallowing in self-pity. I'm not able to talk to anyone else about the way I'm feeling because I'm dismissed as being dumb and selfish. I try not to think about it as much as possible because it does no good. Thinking about my life and it's lack of direction only gets me into this state of depression and no release for it other than the BB.

I know it's ridiculous. I know I sound ridiculous. The happy face and positive attitude I show the rest of the world is a complete facade and it wears me out. I'm very worn down now as I am by every Saturday. It takes all weekend to recover from the fake smile of the week.

There was a good talk with a male friend Thursday night. He asked me if I was sure I had done everything I could for my M. Wouldn't there have to be a partner on the other end of the M that was willing to work on it? Wouldn't there have to be a H involved that was not living with OW and positive that is where he wants to be? It would be delusional of me to think that he would ever come back. I don't want to live with some false hope deluding myself that I could ever put my M back together and it be anything a M should be.

The only purpose I have is being a mom to my son and caring for my mom. Where does that leave me? There's nothing left for me after that. There's no one in my life that gives a rip what is going on with me. If the facade cracks for even a second they immediately change the subject and I'm left feeling like I've done something wrong by showing my feelings.

Maybe it is wrong. Are we supposed to go through life acting as if we are just "walking on sunshine" (yeah, just heard that song a minute ago) and being fake with everyone in our lives? If that is the way it is supposed to be then what is the point in cultivating friendships?

Enough. I was trying to make plans for tonight with a couple of girlfriends but they're blowing me off again so I give up. I'll go for a walk in the woods tonight instead and pray for guidance. That's all I can do now.
_________________________
T19 M15 S19 XH46 M42
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!


Top
#1533619 - 07/26/08 01:44 PM Re: Onward and Upward 5 [Re: mishka422]
Kalni Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 10259
Hey girlfriend,

once you are done with "that" get going with your life. This is not easy. What you are facing is one similar to "death of a loved one experience".

Heck, we are all going through the same thing here! You know we KNOW how you feel. I was physically ILL because of the pain I felt. There were times I never said anything on the board not to get people down or worried, I was dying inside... But IT GETS BETTER.

My advice : the longer you hide it, the longer it will take you to get your life back. Go somewhere, anywhere, for a couple of hours, somewhere you feel safe and private and CRY YOUR EYES OUT!! Call him names, call yourself names, think the unthinkable, swear, scream, yell, up to the point where you feel empty, worn out, tired. Up to the point where you will feel "done that and still H is not here, nothing can change that, nothing can influence him, nothing I can do" and then... let go. LET GO!!!

Michelle, there are so many things that come our way that we did not ask for. Everyday. Big things, little things, important ones, silly stuff. Our preconceptions of how things will be, make it harder to face a fall out. We all thought/hoped we would grow old with these people. Guess what? It was a mistake. An honest -wonderful- mistake. Now, just as we didn't see that coming, we will not see the good stuff coming our way either. It doesn't mean they will not. They will just happen. You have to have SOME faith at least. People bounch back from horrible health issues, deaths, tragedies... We are only facing some jerks with big egos and f@cked up priorities. Will that break us? No way...

Get that wonderful smile of yours back again, take care of you. Your life is what you make it. You will be fine. Take it easy. Time is all you need. That and some survival instincts.
Maria
_________________________
Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009

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#1533640 - 07/26/08 02:11 PM Re: Onward and Upward 5 [Re: mishka422]
One Day Offline
Member

Registered: 09/10/07
Posts: 3337
Loc: London UK
Hey Mishka,

I see you got a 2x4 from Madame. I'm going to apologise in advance for doing the same. Bear in mind as you read that I am also in a situation with an OW, so I understand some of the sentiments you've expressed.....

Originally Posted By: mishka422
I made it out of the attic with no broken bones and my neck intact. I guess that's a good thing.

Don't guess it's a good thing- it is. I thank my lucky stars every morning that my neck is intact. I never know when I might need it to tilt my head up to kiss the man of my dreams. Or when I might need to tilt my head down to admire my gorgeous melons. Use yours to do the same.


Thank you Michelle and Cinders. I appreciate your perspectives. I can't see it, but I appreciate it.

Originally Posted By: mishka422
I'm not able to talk to anyone else about the way I'm feeling because I'm dismissed as being dumb and selfish.

Who says hat? Or is it something you feel? If someone says it to you, state a boundary- you don't want to dismissed as dumb and selfish and that's that. if someone did that to me, I'm pretty sure they'd get a good piece of my mind, because I'm not dumb and selfish, and neither are you.

Originally Posted By: mishka422
I try not to think about it as much as possible because it does no good.

This is true- it does you no good to dwell on the OW. Yet you do it. It's not helping, so stop doing it. I don't want to hear any of this 'can't do it' stuff, because you actually can. You just need to decide that you can, and then DO IT.

Originally Posted By: mishka422
Thinking about my life and it's lack of direction only gets me into this state of depression and no release for it other than the BB.

I think it's great that you're venting here. I wish I was able to express myself here as well as you can. Having said that, if you're life lacks direction, you know there's only one person who can do anything about it, right? Instead of thinking about how bad it is, why don't you think about how you can improve it? What are your goals? What about yourself would you like to change? Make a list and DO IT! This weekend, I'm concentrating on getting myself a signature scent. I've been reading today and tomorrow I'm going to go out and try some smells. I'm going to hypnotise men with my gorgeous wafts of delicious smell. If I wasn't doing that, I'd do something else. But DO something. Anything. Why not go out and buy some super-fluffy socks and then get home, give yourself a pedicure and paint your toenails bright red. You'll feel hot, and secretly naughty!

Originally Posted By: mishka422
He asked me if I was sure I had done everything I could for my M.

Are you sure you have?

Originally Posted By: mishka422
Wouldn't there have to be a partner on the other end of the M that was willing to work on it? Wouldn't there have to be a H involved that was not living with OW and positive that is where he wants to be? It would be delusional of me to think that he would ever come back. I don't want to live with some false hope deluding myself that I could ever put my M back together and it be anything a M should be.

I'm not even sure where to start with this. If you're correct, then I am a sad, delusional individual who's been kidding herself that her H is coming home over the past year. I and everyone else in this forum would have been stupidly believing in the tenets of DBing, that one person can make a difference in a R. All those success story people must have just been lucky, I guess. Well, yes, they were lucky. But they also working bloomin hard to turn their situations around. They didn't decide to give up because H was living with OW. They carried on, and hoped for the restoration of their M without expectation of it. You can do that too, if you want to. You just have to choose.

And, just by the by, I don't think I'm delusional hoping for the restoration of my M, even though my H has been with the aub for so long and hasn't ever brought up the R. My H is QLC. Yours is MLC. OW is a medication for their pain, and not a reflection on either one of us. MLC spouses need patience. You need to ignore what he said about loving her- don't believe anything they say, remember? And your H is in a worse MLC than mine, from what I can tell......hence, more patience required (if there was an equation for it)! I know this is hard. I know, because I think it myself every now and again. Focus on you. Let him realise he's living in a fantasy. Become a beacon.

Originally Posted By: mishka422
The only purpose I have is being a mom to my son and caring for my mom. Where does that leave me?

Needing to think of some other things to do as well as looking after your S.

Originally Posted By: mishka422
There's no one in my life that gives a rip what is going on with me. If the facade cracks for even a second they immediately change the subject and I'm left feeling like I've done something wrong by showing my feelings.

We care. We won't change the subject- we love hearing how you're feeling, even if it's bad. Use us. I'm in the same position- I don't talk to anyone in RL about what's going on with me. I think it's hard for people to deal with the intensity of the emotions, or know what to say. It's not their fault; it's just hard. Can you spread it around different people? Or intersperse it with talking about other things maybe?

Originally Posted By: mishka422
I'll go for a walk in the woods tonight instead and pray for guidance. That's all I can do now.

This sounds like a great plan! I've never been for a proper walk in the woods so I'm jealous!

Hope I wasn't too harsh, Mishka. It's only because I care (and I'm not delusional!!)

L. xx

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#1533700 - 07/26/08 03:26 PM Re: Onward and Upward 5 [Re: Kalni]
mishka422 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/07
Posts: 9502
Loc: GA
Survival instincts? What is that? I survive because I have to, I just don't survive well.

I cry constantly, loudly whenever I can get away with it. It doesn't do me a bit of good. Everything seems so bleak and pointless.

I have friends in the same situation but they seem to be dealing with everything pretty well. They have been suffering the same trauma for the same amount of time as me but they are feeling like their lives are worthwhile. Why don't I?

Does all of this just come from fear? Maybe. I fear more failure. I fear losing my insurance. I fear losing my home. I fear being alone the rest of my life. I fear too many things to list.

My H doesn't deserve to have this power over me. I'm giving him this power aren't I? I need to take it back. I need to find a way to move myself out of this funk. Awful!

Preconceptions.......that is interesting Kalni. We do have preconceived notions of how we expect our lives to go. When it gets fouled up, as it usually does, we chose how to handle it. I'm afraid I'm not handling it well.

I wish that I could see my H be miserable. That's awful, isn't it? I want to see him suffer for what he's done. He doesn't, he hasn't, he won't. He will get his punishment but I won't get the satisfaction of seeing it. Because he's just so happy in his new life, it makes me realize what a miserable W I was. He's so happy without me. Not fair, never will be fair. I can't get past that.

Oh well. Nothing I can do about anything. Nothing I can do to make myself happy. Nothing.

Geeeees.........time to go find a "happy place". Put the mask back on and get back to faking it.
_________________________
T19 M15 S19 XH46 M42
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!


Top
#1533705 - 07/26/08 03:32 PM Re: Onward and Upward 5 [Re: mishka422]
Kalni Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 10259
I am coming over with a 4x4... I need to go now but you are NOT getting away with this...

Anger is a good thing. It's part of the survival kit... use it wisely.
K
_________________________
Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009

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#1533732 - 07/26/08 04:15 PM Re: Onward and Upward 5 [Re: One Day]
mishka422 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/07
Posts: 9502
Loc: GA
((((((((Lisa)))))))))

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I saw your post after I had posted the above and you have made some very good points, just like Kalni did.

Quote:
I see you got a 2x4 from Madame. I'm going to apologise in advance for doing the same.


Never apologize for the 2x4's. I need them and I appreciate them.

quote]I'm not able to talk to anyone else about the way I'm feeling because I'm dismissed as being dumb and selfish.[/quote]

Quote:
Who says that? Or is it something you feel?


It's partially something I feel. It's the way they jump to change the subject. I don't mention things to them very often. I try not to. I may make a comment here and there but when I really need to talk about things that are bothering me the only place I can go is here. I thank you all for that.

Quote:
Instead of thinking about how bad it is, why don't you think about how you can improve it? What are your goals? What about yourself would you like to change? Make a list and DO IT!


I don't have goals for me. I have thought so much about it but I just can't come up with any that wouldn't cause suffering for my family in lost time. I love the idea about a signature scent. That is a wonderful thing. I can't ever seem to find a perfume I like so I stick to body sprays that smell like food. Right now it's fresh mango. Loving the summery scent. In the winter it was buttercream icing. I probably should stop it since it makes me hungry.

Quote:
If you're correct, then I am a sad, delusional individual who's been kidding herself that her H is coming home over the past year.


Lisa, you are anything but sad and delusional. I see so many positives in your interactions with your H. You have every reason to maintain hope. I don't have any interaction with my H. The only conversation we ever have is about our son. He doesn't ask what I'm doing anymore like he used to. He doesn't attend karate on the days I'm taking our son. I assume that would be because he doesn't want to be subjected to talking to me. The few good interactions we had over the last 4 months since he left for the 3rd time got my hopes up but those were all destroyed by the texts from OW warning me away from my own H and H defending her when I called her a bi!ch. Lisa, you love your H still. You love him enough to get past the aub. His R with her is obviously on the way out but at least he doesn't live with her. Living with the OW makes it almost impossible. My love for my H has died, mostly. There are things I love about him. I will always love him as my son's father. I don't want to forget the love I had for him that created our son. I just don't see that that love was ever truly returned. I see now that he used me and my love for him to get out of his home situation.

The success stories here are inspiring. I'm in awe of their strength and amazed by their stories. Their M's were re-born. Mine would have had to have been mutually loving to start with in order to rebuild it and make it better.

I have done everything I can. I can't get back or build on something that never was. A M based on one-sided love and only like on the other will never work. I understand what it was now. That's why I'm hurting so much I think. I realize that I was in love, he wasn't. I wasted so many years of my life and now it's too late. I won't ever trust anyone again the way I naively trusted my H. I'll hever be comfortable with anyone being too close to me again. I have A LOT of body issues that I work on constantly but too many of them require lots of money and surgery to fix. Out of luck with those. H accepted me the way I was......I thought. Apparently not.

I'm off to catalog the collectibles out of my attic to put up for sale on ebay. Wish me luck. I need the money desparately.
_________________________
T19 M15 S19 XH46 M42
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!


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#1533734 - 07/26/08 04:16 PM Re: Onward and Upward 5 [Re: mishka422]
mishka422 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/07
Posts: 9502
Loc: GA
Bring on the 4x4 Kalni. Seriously!!!! I eserve it and need it.
_________________________
T19 M15 S19 XH46 M42
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!


Top
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