WOW!!!!!! Punkt!!!!!! How are you? You have been MIA so long I though you had fallen off the face of the earth!

((((mishka))))

Sounds like the wedding was super-fun! I'm so glad S13 had a good time, and that you did too.

You sound amazing- detached and strong.

L. xx

Thanks Lisa!

Detached is the word alright. The love I had for my H is dead. It's sad, but makes things a lot easier for me in a weird way. I will always have a kind of love for him as he is my son's father but I now see him for who he is. A miserable, weak, self-centered liar. He has always been that way but I chose to gloss over it because I loved so many other things about him. No more.

I have been in the bed all day with a migraine but I just finally woke up and am feeling A LOT better. Still a lot of pain behind my left eye but it's eased up a lot. I couldn't even see out of it for a while.

I get migraines when I get stressed. Needless to say, my stress level has been off the charts.

Now, it's increasing some. I meet with my L next Monday and I'm getting nervous about getting that started again. Not because I'm scared about ending my M, because I'm not. I really feel it is time for me to move forward with my life and cutting the legal tie is the last step. I'm more scared about how I'm going to afford to live once I no long have my H's medical insurance to cover me. He will still cover our son, but there is no option for him to cover me once we are D. My cost through my company is over $300 a month and I don't have that to spare. I can't spare $50 let alone $300. This is going to make me a nervous wreck.

I found an apartment that I could move to that would keep my son in the same school but they don't allow pets and I can't give up my little baby. He's my constant cuddle companion. The apartment would save me about $300 a month and the struggle of taking care of the lawn but it would also put us into a not so savory situation. The complex is set up for low income housing in order to maintain state funding for the schools in the area so there are some people living in there that meet the criteria. I wouldn't so I wouldn't get any break on the rent.


I really just need to find a better paying job or a part-time job that would be flexible with me. That is the really hard part.

((((((Mishka))))))

Is your H contributing to anything? What would he be paying in child support if you guys D? (If you don't know, good questions to ask on Monday)

Don't let it all get to you.

Pamper yourself a bit, make time to relax.

It will all be okay.

My H is giving me $500 a month in child support. That is close to the state formula although he is not paying any of the other household bills at all. He considers them not his responsibility since he doesn't live here and he doesn't pay anything toward the mutual credit card bills. He does pay the car payment on the car I drive which comes close to what I pay on the credit card bills so I haven't pushed for anything more from him. He did buy our son shoes once (although they were cheap tennis shoes from wal-mart that he doesn't really like and hasn't even worn once - in his defense it is summer and he barely wears shoes and when he does it's sandals). He paid for his prescriptions a couple of times but hasn't offered again and I won't be asking him to.

I think that I may be able to get negotiated into the D that he pays at least half of the costs of our son's karate, school registration expenses, other school related expenses (i.e. - field trips, football booster, school lunch) and possibly half of his prescription costs. It's all coming out of my pocket and with the increased costs of food and gas I am coming up so short now.

I already discussed some of this with my L the last time we met but this is going to be the BIG talk this time before I file again and ask for mediation.

Just sad and frustrated. I hate what this is doing to our lives (mine and my son's - not H's) but all I can do is try to make the best of a crappy situation.

Feeling really down tonight. My head is still killing me but I slept all afternoon so I can't fall asleep now. My brain is in overdrive and I'm feeling like a bit of a loser. Horrible negative attitude both yesterday and today.

Why is it I find it so easy to be positive in everyone else's sitch but so negative in my own?

Oh Mishka, your last sentence is so true.

It's so much easier to see the positive and cheer on everyone else on the boards, and then your own situation seems so hopeless.

I'm so sorry you've reached the point of being done, but it sounds like you are in a good place and ready to move forward. I'm sorry about the financial worries, I totally get that. I'm in the same spot trying to figure out how I will make it work. Definitely ask for everything you need. It doesn't need to get ugle, but you also cannot be so worried about conflict that you put your and your S in a bad spot. Take care of you guys first now.

Chris

I'm realizing why this migraine attacked me. I had been so focused on preparing for the rehearsal dinner and wedding that I had pushed my own life to the bottom of the priority list. Now, it has risen right back to the top and the stress of it all hit me like a freight train!

My mind is whirling with all the unknowns and the what if's. I keep putting up the stop signs but it's not helping. I keep praying but my inner voice keeps overriding my prayer time with the conversations I wish I could have with my H.

How dumb. I don't have any hope left for our M, I'm sure I don't want our M back now (at least not the way it has been for so many years), and H has no intentions of ever changing. Why do I keep dwelling on this?

I think I'm going to have to step away from the boards for a while. Maybe that will help me stop focusing so much on what could have been and develop new dreams for my future.

Hi Mishka,

I am glad your migraine is subsiding.. I agree with the stepping away from the boards a bit, its like you were on high alert for so long, DBing, but the gears have shifted a bit now and you are not hearing from him so much and you are not feeling love for him like you did, so I guess you have kind of stopped DBing. Maybe you need to put some energy into your life, like you said. Job hunting and apartment sorting and all that, plus the L stuff. You are bound to feel low and a bit of a loser in all of this some days, just because you drew a line in the sand, its not a fixed, straight line, I guess it can bend and have gaps in too! Some days I feel good and realise its his childhood issues, like you said about your H and other days I think, oh I must be annoying and not pretty enough !! Or something equally daft.

Your H will be the loser in this, not you, as he is the one thats behaved shoddily to you and your S and without integrity and honesty and how can you feel good about yourself deep down knowing that? You are ace!

Ali xxx

Mishka, everytime I visit your thread I realize we have a bunch in common. I get migraines too from stress. The last year before H moved out I was getting them almost every day and I was on every migraine med the neurologist could prescribe. Shortly after H moved out in the business/stress of that I missed my apt. and ran out of my meds and was surprised to find out that I stopped having almost all migraines, usually now just after I have an argument with H but that's about it! So I do think the more you detach from your sitch that maybe that will happen for you too.

I think DBing is more important for us now than ever. I mean focusing on yourself and GALing & doing what you want to do. I didn't do that for literally a decade or 2, and feel so much better mentally and physically now that I'm doing TKD and swimming, jogging, theatre, etc. I think it makes me a better person and mom b/c I'm feeling a lot healthier. I think women tend to feel it's selfish or something to do fun stuff or focus on yourself, or at least I used to, but really need that so I don't get depressed/migraines. Karen

Yes, I agree with Karen, I meant as in stop DBing him and put the focus on yourself! Easy to say, not so easy to do I know. Sorry to hear you had a migraine, thats not nice to suffer with those. Hugs
Ali xxx