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#1544889 - 08/04/08 08:20 AM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: TRUSTING]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
Originally Posted By: TRUSTING
Hoosier,
I hear you. I am the raving lunatic wife who was soooo controlling. He felt trapped in the marriage. What a bunch of poo poo. I trusted him so much, controlling was not even a part of the relationship. Oh well, what can you do...

They all have the same vocabulary book. I was a "raving lunatic b*tch." He never called me names before this. Poo poo is right!
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

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#1544901 - 08/04/08 08:32 AM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: hoosiermama]
cagzmom Offline
Member

Registered: 08/21/07
Posts: 1666
Loc: NC
Trusting - this is where my h is right now.

When he originally left he played both sides of the fence. Wanting not to be the bad guy .. he was distant but NOTHING like now. Now he is a vapor. He doesn't text/call unless FIRST initiated by the kids. If he could hide from us he would.

I am sure when they are NOT with us they don't feel the guilt and shame. And when he sees us I am sure the anger and rage comes around him -- so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything that he has done. He is a runner ---this is MY H to a T.

The train wreck that he has left is unbelievalbe. My kids are growing and moving on and doing ok. They miss who they had for a dad...but they ahve grown so much.

Me? not so much.
_________________________
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06
Moved out 3/12/07
D final 7/30/2008
finding myself again



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#1544951 - 08/04/08 09:23 AM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: cagzmom]
lovehopefaith Offline
Member

Registered: 06/25/08
Posts: 232
My H's abandonment is right within our home. He is still here, but he basically lives in the basement. Although my DB efforts (and likely his guilt) have started to keep him out of the basement for a few hours a day when our D is awake, the minute her bedtime approaches he is downstairs where he doesn't have to be reminded that he has a life upstairs. This has been the absolute hardest part of this journey for me.

We used to watch TV or DVDs together most nights of the week. But when I found out about his online OW, this stopped immediately and he disappeared downstairs and hasn't returned to our bed or spending time with me. It was so sudden that this is the one thing that hurts the absolute most.

He has also "abandoned" his responsibility in doing anything around the house. I swear he doesn't even "see" any of the issues that are inside or in the yard, like the weeds which are likely taller than him right now. He will mow the front yard (likely to "keep up appearances") but the backyard looks like a white trash home. And I can't do it myself -- it's too big a job for me.

So I wait.
_________________________
M 39
H 34
D 6
M almost 8 years
T 11 years
Bomb: 6/5/08

(1)http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1562223&page=0&fpart=1

(2)http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1562522&page=0#Post1562522

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#1544961 - 08/04/08 09:33 AM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: lovehopefaith]
forward Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/06
Posts: 4044
forgive a gentle scolding here, folks, but although we may disagree w/our spouses' assessment, we need to find the grain of truth in what they say, right?

I WAS boring. I realize I did have some control issues. I do need to get a better social life and I was depressed.

I'm moving on now.
_________________________
M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
X has major medical issues
New Woman - died.
Remarried to new guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D


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#1544979 - 08/04/08 09:48 AM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: forward]
ACJ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 5369
Loc: England
Each time you post a different sign I think this is Hs biggie. then you post aonother and I re-evaluate.

Breton I was/am just like you but I don't believe I did anything 'bad' enough to make my H leave his family the way he has.
_________________________
Me 43
XH 45
M 2.7.88
Divorce 7.10.09
Kids D20,S17 & D15

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#1545370 - 08/04/08 02:12 PM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: ACJ]
forward Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/06
Posts: 4044
ACJ, yes, I feel the same way. But you know what is interesting?

I think our spouses are perfectionists who do not have realistic expectations of what a lifelong relationship looks like. Some may learn with time that no one is perfect and can live up to the fantasy dream worlds they created for themselves.

The reason why time is to our advantage is that it gives a chance for spouses to realize their expectations are not adult.

But that doesn't mean the relationship coul dnot be vastly improved, either.
_________________________
M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
X has major medical issues
New Woman - died.
Remarried to new guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D


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#1545474 - 08/04/08 03:13 PM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: forward]
lovehopefaith Offline
Member

Registered: 06/25/08
Posts: 232
I also agree that my relationship could have used some improvement. I was starting to see the signs of that when this all happened.

However, that doesn't excuse my H for not actually sitting down and talking to me about stuff. And I have to say, some of the stuff he "complained" about -- like our sex life -- had improved significantly in the year before the bomb (but that's him "going back" in time to JUSTIFY his reasons...) And he could have made plans for "date night" for us to spend more time together, but he always sat back and let me do everything and make plans for anything instead of taking the reigns if he was so unhappy.

I think we all know that there are things we can personally work on to make our relationships better. But that doesn't excuse many of the spouses we hear about on this board.

I do believe that the reason people get so dissatisfied with their lives and marriages today is that most people have unrealistic expectations about what life and marriage should be like. I partly blame the media, who have brainwashed people into thinking that every one of their needs should be met at all times and life should be one big perfect dream. Years ago, a couple might have accepted things more easily during different stages of a marriage. But not today!

Now, of course, that's not to say that we should walk around accepting misery. But there has to be a give and take -- like when a couple has a baby and they are caring for a infant, should the sex life still be sizzling? Likely not. And that should be understood, a little, and both parties should try to work on it when they can instead of getting resentful and angry.

So that's my two cents. My issue now is that I realize what problems we had and I want to work on them -- it's my idiot MLCer that's still stuck in his fantasy world online having cybersex with his OW and chatting with her every night. She's perfect though, I'm sure, and why? Because she's not here, in the flesh and blood, dealing with his issues every day. She gets to log on for the fun guy and fulfill his needs via Web cam or Second Life or chat rooms while I get the leftovers of day-to-day life.

And so I DB, remembering the man I married and hoping that he realizes that life isn't just a fantasy. Because it isn't, it's reality, and I love the real man I married 8 years ago -- not the fantasy dreamer that he seems to inhabit right now. Come back to earth, H!
_________________________
M 39
H 34
D 6
M almost 8 years
T 11 years
Bomb: 6/5/08

(1)http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1562223&page=0&fpart=1

(2)http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1562522&page=0#Post1562522

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#1545988 - 08/04/08 10:36 PM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: lovehopefaith]
TRUSTING Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/07
Posts: 2549
Some wonderful comments and examples. Thank you all.

I agree with the statement that there is some grain of truth in what the midlifers say. However, it never justifies an affair or the abuse that the mid-lifers dish out. I do take some responsibility. We are all human and capable of mistakes. However, the Ml'ers are not capable of owning up to what they have done until the end. This makes it very frustrating. You cannot work on your problems if you do not take responsibility.

Regarding expectations. My ex is a complete perfectionist. He expects perfection in himself and others. His expectations have always been very high, almost unreachable. He said at one point he wants that "perfect love". He wants that person to have stars in their eyes. That is not realistic in a 20 year marriage. It puts so much pressure on the other person.
_________________________
Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11


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#1546167 - 08/05/08 04:18 AM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: TRUSTING]
ACJ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 5369
Loc: England
You know T my H was also a perfectionist. I use the past tense b/c right now I don't think he is. One of the most hurtful things he said to me when all this cr*p started was 'All I ever wanted was a beautiful woman on my arm'. Well I'm no oil painting but I am beautiful and most people who meet OW for the first time are shocked to hear that OW is only 27. They think she is a similar age to H (he is 43). Of course I know now that this was just his way of making me snap to throw him out (it didn't work and neither did; 'you must be the only woman in town who doesn't fancy me') so he had to make his own decision to go. I'm sure deep down he will replay that as I made it impossible for him to stay but there you go.
_________________________
Me 43
XH 45
M 2.7.88
Divorce 7.10.09
Kids D20,S17 & D15

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#1546392 - 08/05/08 10:23 AM Re: SIGNS OF DEPRESSION 3 cont..... [Re: ACJ]
TRUSTING Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/07
Posts: 2549
ACJ,

Your H has a bit of arrogance going on. Very common for the ML'er. He will eventually regret what he said to you. You are clearly a threat to him. They are so superficial at this time.
_________________________
Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11


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