NOTICE: In order to help the OnLine Community run more efficiently, we will be pruning the boards over the next few weeks. If there are any Topics or Posts you want to keep, please save them soon.
Page 11 of 18 < 1 2 ... 9 10 11 12 13 ... 17 18 >
Topic Options
#1536643 - 07/29/08 08:02 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
It's a good thing I have long legs. I needed your reminder to take it in stride.

I made a wonderful dinner last night, took my time and did not rush, just like H requested...but no H and no call. I ate alone at 7 pm, and put the food away at about 8. Started watching the baseball game then moved up to the bedroom at 9 to finish the game in bed.

H came home after the game ended about 10. He kept tapping me on the head, waking me up. He was whining about how hot it had been this afternoon, and how he needed a shower... (gross) then he kept tapping and saying, talk to me, I want to talk to you, over and over... I finally said very quietly, H I was here all evening to talk to you, but now I am sleeping. He left me alone.

I think he left the bed about 3 am and moved to the couch. He was there when I got up, got my coffee and went to the hot tub. I was in about 15 minutes, and when I got out he was up and getting ready for work. I said good morning sleepy head, and he just snarled "well thanks for waking me up!" Not another word, and then he left for work.

Why is he taking his anger at himself out on me? Why does he insist on treating me so unfairly? If I had him fix dinner, but didn't call or show up, he would blow a gasket!

Is this how he shows me how little he cares for me? It's working.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

Top
#1536662 - 07/29/08 08:20 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
Neilh23 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 1834
Loc: Western New York
Originally Posted By: 1hope


Is this how he shows me how little he cares for me? It's working.


don't take his actions that way. He's angry with himself for the way he acted...unfortunately, he's taking them out on you, because he has no other way to cope with it. and again, unfortunately, you are the closest outlet.

long legs are always good. that, plus a good rubber jacket to let things bounce off of you....

stay strong. I'm thinking of you....
_________________________
ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams


Top
#1536664 - 07/29/08 08:22 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
Why is he taking his anger at himself out on me? Why does he insist on treating me so unfairly? If I had him fix dinner, but didn't call or show up, he would blow a gasket!

Is this how he shows me how little he cares for me? It's working.


Honestly, I think he cares, he is just selfish, which is pretty common for people in a MLC. I can't tell you how many times my W has said she was going to have a couple drinks and wouldn't be late, she said she would be home around 7:00 only for her to get in anywhere from 10 to 2 AM.

The more attention I showed it the worst it was the next time. I pay no attention to it and she actually cuts her night short now, to come home. I thought you did very well the way you handled it. Look at the positive, he didn't come home beligerant, when he wanted to talk it sounded like he wanted to share from you (just guessing from your post's tone).

Take it in stride, you did well not to get drawn into his mood this morning. If you are up to it and you talk to him today say something like "wow, I really needed that sleep last night, I have been beat.....how was your night with your friend"

I feel for you, I know it doesn't feel good when it happens, at least you showed him that you were going forward with your plans whether he was there or not. You did well...now face today as another day all together
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

Top
#1536689 - 07/29/08 08:48 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
I didn't want to wake all the way up and talk to him last night because typically when he has been drinking he usually starts the R or D talk. I've learned that it's a good thing to miss those.

I take a sleeping pill that my doc has prescribed since I have trouble getting enough sleep since the cancer was diagnosed. H knows that. If I miss the "window" and fight falling asleep I will usually be up most of the night. I can't do that and work the next day. H knows this too. What he was doing last night was incredibly selfish.

I don’t know if I will be up to calling him this afternoon or not. I feel like I have been doing all of the phoning to him lately, and in looking at my journal I guess I have. He has not called me since last Tuesday, when he made the 6 phone calls in one day.

I think I’ll give it a rest for a day or so. He has golf league tonight, and I am taking a golf lesson tomorrow after work. If we have conversation I will mention my plans to him, but I think I am going to take a short break from initiating.

On Sunday evening he had told me that he didn’t plan on going to the pub on Tuesday after golf, but thought he would go out on Wednesday and Thursday nights instead. At the time all I said was oh, because it is not like him to make plans to go to the bar so far in advance. I thought maybe he was testing me for a reaction, so I didn’t give him one. But I did make plans for myself for Wednesday.

Sitting at home waiting on him night after night is too painful for me.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

Top
#1536745 - 07/29/08 09:25 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Quote:
I feel for you, I know it doesn't feel good when it happens, at least you showed him that you were going forward with your plans whether he was there or not. You did well...now face today as another day all together


I know, a new day and I am counting my blessings. Several weeks ago if he had stood me up for dinner I would have been hounding him by phone at the bar and fighting with him when he did get home.

I have learned so much and my level of expectation is so low for him that I almost am starting to not care.

What is amazing to me about last night, is that he didn't have to set me up like he did. I gave him the opportunity to not do the dinner thing at all. He was very specific with instruction that he wanted me to go home after work, change my clothes, be very careful and take my time cutting up the meat, take my time cooking it, and he was hot and tired, did not want to stay at the bar very long.... wanted to be home in the cool air conditioning.

I did go on with the plans, but they were HIS plans, not mine. Maybe I should be looking at them as "our plans?"

Oh well, in any event, it was a crappy thing for him to do. The puppeteer got me good last night.


Edited by 1hope (07/29/08 09:26 AM)
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

Top
#1536788 - 07/29/08 10:00 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
I know, a new day and I am counting my blessings. Several weeks ago if he had stood me up for dinner I would have been hounding him by phone at the bar and fighting with him when he did get home.


Good for you, you realized that even though you were probably in the "right" you realized you couldn't win that fight and even if you could, it wouldn't have made you happy or brought you closer to your goal.

Quote:
I have learned so much and my level of expectation is so low for him that I almost am starting to not care.


Yes and no, I feel you are not surprised when your expectations go unmet, but you still have them. I don't think that is a bad place to be,it kind of allows you to go with the flow on the bad and enjoy the good. You are pretty much detached

Quote:
What is amazing to me about last night, is that he didn't have to set me up like he did. I gave him the opportunity to not do the dinner thing at all. He was very specific with instruction that he wanted me to go home after work, change my clothes, be very careful and take my time cutting up the meat, take my time cooking it, and he was hot and tired, did not want to stay at the bar very long.... wanted to be home in the cool air conditioning.


Honestly, I don't even think they think this way. I hardly think he intentionally "set you up". I think it is more realistic to think that he was having a good time, lost track of time and figured you just went on without him. Of course a courtesy call would have been nice....perhaps he didn't want to "hear" how he made these plans and broke them. I have been in the same place several times. Some times I get the courtesy call, but I don't expect it, I enjoy it when I get it.

Quote:
Oh well, in any event, it was a crappy thing for him to do. The puppeteer got me good last night.


Hardly, If he was truly pulling your strings, then you would have reacted like you described above....you did your own thing. At least you have a choice when he is out....no kids at home to keep you trapped...lol

I think it is natural to start to get excited when we have a period of good times and start to develop expectations. Afterall, we want this all to be behind us and we have caught a glimpse of our spouse. Unfortunately for them coming out of the tunnel is a 2 step forward, 1 step back type of thing....you have to be the constant level person (hence getting off the roller coaster). I figured he would have stayed out later than what he said last night....been there many times.

I of course don't agree with being treated like that, but they realize it too, there is some guilt for them there that they will have to face one day.

How you handle today is your choice. The only thing I would recommend is to monitor your results. Look back through your posts in the last few weeks. What actions have you done that have yielded positive results and brought him closer to you, what have done the opposite......

My W would often say, she didn't want to come home when she went out....make home a place where he wants to come home and he will be more apt to do so.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

Top
#1537212 - 07/29/08 02:21 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Quote:
At least you have a choice when he is out....no kids at home to keep you trapped...

I would give anything to have my kids back at the age where they were still home. You have no idea how lonely it is to be home in an empty house feeling un-needed or wanted.

There is only so much GALing I can do. I still end up coming home to an empty house.

Your children give you a purpose and help keep you occupied. You might have felt that void when you were separated and your kids were with their mother.

Being a sales oriented, people person, I don't like too much alone time. I appreciate peace and quiet and "me time", but I like people in the home, a pot of soup on the stove, a basketball game in the driveway.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

Top
#1537259 - 07/29/08 02:40 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
TD, you will like this...

H called me, he had a lul at work and called to "ask me a question, but forgot what it was."

Said that he really liked the chicken I had cooked last night, and that I had done a very good job. How had I grilled it?

Then he asked me what I was doing tonight. Was I going out? I told him that I didn't know yet, but that I wouldn't be too late, probably be home around the same time he was. He said that he wasn't going to the bar after golf, that he hadn't really wanted to go last night.

I said ok, I'll see you at home, and he told me to have a good time \:\)

So glad that I let him call me!
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

Top
#1537280 - 07/29/08 02:48 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Excellent!!! Sounds like a very pleasant conversation as well! Sounds like he "wants" to see you tonight. I thougt you did a good job Dbing.....When he brought up not wanting to go to the bar last night, you could have said "well why did you stay out so late then" You recognized that as a cheeseless tunnel and held your tongue. I am proud of you. Enjoy yourself tonight when you go out and when you get home!

It is funny that you say about not liking the "alone" time, My W is the same exact way. I actually enjoy a little bit of complete alone time to do my thing.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

Top
#1537466 - 07/29/08 04:15 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Originally Posted By: TwinDad
I actually enjoy a little bit of complete alone time to do my thing.

That's because your babies are still little. When mine were that age I absolutely savored the time I could get alone just to take a bath! \:\)

Then they become young people and you enjoy just being around them. If you are lucky like I was (and you will be, I can tell) you will raise children that you like and consider friends.

Then they are grown and all too soon gone.

You will then have too much alone time to do your thing.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

Top
Page 11 of 18 < 1 2 ... 9 10 11 12 13 ... 17 18 >


Moderator:  Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004