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#1545421 - 08/04/08 02:48 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
I hope that he doesn't try to bring up a fight tonight.


That is within you control.....


The call seemed pretty neutral...nice 180 on the paycheck as well. He could have started a fight on the phone but didn't.....a good sign
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1545503 - 08/04/08 03:38 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Yes, in fact part of the reason that I didn't answer when he called my office was because I was afraid he would start a fight on the phone. He has before,then just hangs up on me. I couldn't bear the thought of dealing with that today...

I'm taking it as a good sign, and I do feel more in control now. I will not engage. I truly can't take any more stress.

The call did seem neutral. He didn't have to make it at all. The fact that he wanted to let me know about his paycheck tells me that he does care.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1545508 - 08/04/08 03:43 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
I do feel more in control now. I will not engage.


There you go walk with confidence


Quote:
The call did seem neutral. He didn't have to make it at all. The fact that he wanted to let me know about his paycheck tells me that he does care.


You listen well, not by what he said but by the fact he felt the need to say something. The fact that you pulled a 180 on him and didn't create a sitch means he will do more of this in the future
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

Top
#1545523 - 08/04/08 03:54 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Thanks TD, you have been my savoir today.

I am not happy about the amount of money that he deposited, but I'll make due.

I am so bone tired by the struggle, that I just don't care.

\:\) I used your process and thought, would I rather be broke, or would I rather be married....no contest.

It will be worth it all if we can come through this. It's only money.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1545532 - 08/04/08 03:58 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hey being broke is the American way.....which reminds me, I think I need to apply for some more creidt cards....lol

I hope your evening goes well. I will be installing new appliances tonight.......
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

Top
#1546186 - 08/05/08 06:24 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
Neilh23 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 1834
Loc: Western New York
HOpe......i would like ot hear that everything went well last nite and the alien did not show up........let us know
_________________________
ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams


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#1546288 - 08/05/08 08:52 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Neilh23]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
No Alien last night. Just a tired and worn out H. Covered in poison ivy. Got in to it at work the end of last week and it is coming on like gangbusters now. He gets it every year, but this is the worst that I have seen. I am going to try to get him to see the doc....we will see.

Last night was different. Some fighting, but it seemed more like venting. Issues raised but no real anger. Several good things did happen. He took the propane tank off the grill and took it to have it filled. That was a nice surprise for me since I usually do that and had planned to do it. I told him it was a nice surprise and I thanked him for doing it.

During dinner he started to pick at me. He was not happy that I had left the house last night to go see the kids and he was not happy that I left the house early for work this morning. He also said that I had ruined the good mood he was in when he came home from his weekend Sunday night, by telling him where the burgers he was looking for were in the fridge. He said that I was trying to control him, and that I should have just let him find them himself. Oh brother. I said that I was sorry he felt that way, that I was only trying to help him find something and that next time I would just let him look. He kept on and then started the D talk. I lost it, said something about his EA and then said I thought we had a deal, you wouldn't bring up D and I wouldn't discuss EA. He said "Well, that was only supposed to be for a week." Ech!!! He said that he couldn't understand why I would want him to continue to live unhappy and why I just couldn't be a mature adult and give him a divorce. Back to the same old song and dance.... I don't want a D, if you do and feel that is what direction you need to go feel free. Then he says "But you said you would never give me a D".

Bingo! I don't think he really wants one. If he did, why all this talk about it?????

I feel that he is hurting and angry, and is just lashing out at me. I said something about the fact that he seemed to be angry at everyone, all of the family, and that he also tried to blame on me. He said that I had turned his whole family against him. So not true.

The strange thing is, that all of this discussion and fighting seemed necessary, to get back to where we had been before he left for his trip.

He wanted to watch a movie and have a drink together before we went to bed. He wanted to sleep in the bed, where I made it plain that I would be, and he did not want to sleep on the couch.

I helped make his lunch this morning and he called me honey (a first in forever) and he put his hand on my shoulder when he thanked me.

I see these small progressive signs, and I know that he is trying.

The EA talk by me last night was something that I did in response to his talk about D. I did not make acusations, rather it was talk about how it shook my faith in him and how people are now reacting because of his actions. It is not something that I will bring up again. I truly an losing my anger regarding it, and most of the time feel more forgiveness. I want to keep making progress in that direction.

I had to go for a blood draw last night on my way home from work, and I called to tell him I was stopping to do that before I came home. He said "It's just for your follow up exam right?" First time he has asked any medical related question of me in months! I quickly assured him that it was for our family doctor.

Then, the movie that he wanted me to watch with him last night was a tv movie with Meg Ryan from 2007. Something like About the Land of Women.... it's about Meg Ryan playing a role where she has breast cancer, and it's supposed to take place in Michigan. It was very hard for me to watch without crying at certain parts (the first time she says out loud that she has cancer, when her hair first begins to fall out, where she shaves her head) and he was very uncomfortable about that, in fact, at one point he said "Oh quit being dramatic, it's just a movie". She had a mastectomy, you didn't have that. Then he seemed to soften up and as she had to be hospitalized etc. he said, you didn't have that happen, they didn't have to give you that drug etc. etc. That's good, right? I said yes, it's good.

Over all, I think it was good. I am listening with my eyes and watching with my ears. Not only is he trying, but I think that bits and pieces are coming out, and starging to come together.

Sorry to be so long. What do you guys think?
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1546344 - 08/05/08 09:41 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope,

He is trying.....he is trying to figure himself out, trying to unload some guilt.

Listen a little to what he is saying. Part of his MLC was really wanting to be independent. He felt he was being controlled by being told where the hamburgers were. Most people would just say thanks....he felt the need to accomplish something. He is going to be sensitive about things like this.....as silly as it may sound to us. The only advice I would give is let him accomplish these things, or at the worse say something like "I'm not sure, want me to look around" Us guys like to do things for our ladies but we don't want to be told how to do it. (i.e. Honey can you grill us some hamburgers is good.......Honey can you grill us up some hamburgers, they are on the top shelf of the refridgerator is bad). I know this is an "over the top case" but he is sensitive to this type of thing.....let him lead...let him accomplish.....it will help repair his self esteem which is pretty low right now (though seems to be improving)

Also he really seems to like being around you lately....which is great. He was upset about you leaving to see your kids on Sunday (he wanted to see you after not seeing you all weekend.....and more importantly to him is that he wanted to know that you wanted to see him.....self esteem thing again). Same deal for the following morning.


I don't thingk he wants a D at all.....if he did why not file. He is grown man he can live on his own. I thought you handled thatpart nicely....basically tellig him he is free to go. In fact if you pushed for a D he would probably get very ugly over it.

Being his friend is starting to pay off for you. He is hurting and angry and is lashing. You have this detachment thing down pretty well. You got a "Honey" out of it, which feels pretty nice.

He is trying, continue to reward good behavior and be his friend
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

Top
#1546408 - 08/05/08 10:38 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Originally Posted By: TwinDad
Listen a little to what he is saying. Part of his MLC was really wanting to be independent.
I think we wants to feel independent, but I have never met another man that likes being waited on more. He will run me ragged, stepping and fetching, unless I speak up. That's what has been hard for me to distinguish. I felt I was being helpful, and was surprised to find I was controling him.

Quote:
The only advice I would give is let him accomplish these things, or at the worse say something like "I'm not sure, want me to look around"
This is good advice. I will let him ask and quit trying to be so helpful.

Quote:
I know this is an "over the top case" but he is sensitive to this type of thing.....let him lead...let him accomplish.....it will help repair his self esteem which is pretty low right now (though seems to be improving)
I agree. I do see some signs that it is improving, but I wish I could do more to help. I know that the best thing I can do is have patience, and continue being his friend. He does seem to keep reaching out, so that is good.


Quote:
Also he really seems to like being around you lately....which is great. He was upset about you leaving to see your kids on Sunday (he wanted to see you after not seeing you all weekend.....and more importantly to him is that he wanted to know that you wanted to see him.....self esteem thing again). Same deal for the following morning.
I appreciate your take on this... I really didn't see it that way, especially since he was sleeping at both times. What I felt like was he was controlling ME. He was worn out from his party weekend and sleeping it off, and he wanted me to what??? watch him sleep? Last night he said that I need to let him know when I leave the house, and I agreed that I would. Hopefully that will take care of it.


Quote:
I don't thingk he wants a D at all.....if he did why not file. He is grown man he can live on his own. I thought you handled thatpart nicely....basically tellig him he is free to go. In fact if you pushed for a D he would probably get very ugly over it.
I don't think he does either. Even when he has discussed it his thoughts have not been reality based at all. His thought seems to be that I would just "go away" and he would continue on with our house and farm. That would not happen and he does not have the financial standing to take it all over on his own. Our home and land is so much a part of who we are that I cannot ever see either of us agreeing to sell out and move on. Things would have to be pretty bad indeed for that to happen.

I am committed to being his friend. I was able to get an early evening Dr. appt. for him on Thrusday for his poison ivy. I called to pass the info on and he thanked me, saying that he didn't think it was as bad yet as it was going to get and even if it did get better on its own it would be good to have the meds in the house in case I also got it. \:\)

I have to keep focused on those positive things, and not get impatient about the fact that I miss the good things from our old life together.

Baby steps. And faith that eventually our new life will be better than the old R.

How did your new applicances go in last night? Good project?
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1546427 - 08/05/08 10:48 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
The appliance installaiton went pretty well. I got the refridgerator set up and the over the range microwave installed done. Tonight is the dishwasher and the slide in range. The best part of the evening was my W got up and put away all of the kids clothes that I washed. I can't tell you how much I appreciated this, especially since I had my hands full. She has started to help out a lot more around the house.....it helps \:\)
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

Top
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