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#1517115 - 07/14/08 08:05 AM Rough Year Continues - 3
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Status on my weekend with H - Friday night was terrible. Saturday he wanted to "hang out" together all day and even took me golfing! Sunday he was quiet and withdrawn. Alternated with actual whining about how he wasn't feeling well, or sleeping. He got the yard work done but spent the whole rest of the day on the couch watching tv. I could see depression there. He also threw in several R complaints, "we never talk anymore", "you will never change", "you're so controlling" etc.

I made a couple of small slips, some of the things he was saying were so painful that I finally got mad... but nothing of dramatic concern.

I feel like he pushes me away, reels me back, plays me back out.
I feel like a yo yo. Like a puppet. Like a sailor without sea legs.

When he gets in the type of mood like he was in Sunday, and I am at home with him, I try to keep busy with something in another room. Then he pouts...."don't you want to be with me?" And if I am in the room he picks and prods with hurtful comments until I cry or get mad. I spent a good part of the day away from him shopping and running errands. But I finally had to come home later in the afternoon. It's then that he started.

I'd have to say that yesterday I kept pretty calm. Only let him make me angry towards the end of the day. All of this is so tiring.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1517137 - 07/14/08 08:29 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope,

That was nice that your H took you golfing with him!

"we never talk anymore " is good, he wants to talk to you.

Just curious, why does he think you are controlling. This can be very hard to see sometimes. I had been accused of that for years but only recently got a grip on to what she really meant. I never really intended to be controlling but it is all in the perception of the one being controlled.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1517164 - 07/14/08 09:08 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
The controlling issue really puzzles me. What caused it Sunday was that I told him I was going to do the shopping, and that I also might go to the driving range to hit a bucked to balls. I didn't want him to worry if I was gone several hours.

He responded by telling me he didn't care what I did. Of course that hurt my feelings, and I know is not a true statement. The reason I told him in the first place is that he has always complained about how long it has taken me to shop. Yesterday I knew that he planned to bbq some ribs and do the yard work and I was trying to be considerate with letting him know what/where my plans were. He is afraid that if I communicate with him that way, he will be required to communicate in the same manner, and thus I will "be controlling" him.

To me it's simple considerate communication, to him he feels it is "asking permission".

BUT, the real kicker is that he has a problem with not knowing where or what I am doing.

His statement to me was that since we had spent the day together on Saturday, he knew that I was going to go back to my "old ways" where I would expect to know where he was and what he was doing every second. I responded that I was sorry he felt that way, but what I was just trying to do was communicate with him.

This is very tricky for me, because he very obviously has a double standard. It is clear that now he does not want me to ask where or what his plans are, but he expects to know all of that about me.

He said that he knows I will never change, that I am who I am. I told him, H. I am a very changed person. He said "oh, that again," (meaning reference to my cancer).

I understand about the perception. Nothing else matters. Right now he can't see out of what he is thinking.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1517169 - 07/14/08 09:12 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
Nutty Chick Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/07
Posts: 534
Sounds like he is controlling and projecting that onto you ….

You were telling him where you were going; not asking him what he was doing . .

Maybe he is feeling pressure to reciprocate?

Nutty
_________________________
Be The Greener Grass.


Me 40
H 42
Son 11
Married 15 years.
Left May 2006 after gambling spree
I had EA August 2006
OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!)
I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.

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#1517193 - 07/14/08 09:28 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Nutty Chick]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Yes NC, exactly. He is feeling the pressure. So I told him "don't!"

I won't tell you either. If you need to know what's going on with me, you can call on my cell.

Good grief.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1517208 - 07/14/08 09:40 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope sounds like you handled it pretty well. I think NC is right....he perceived a need to reciprocate...not your fault. Perhaps something like "I'm going grocery shoppoing and doing a couple errands, if you need me call me on my cell" Sounds a little less descriptive and puts the "control" back in his hands if he wants to cal you. Sometimes it can feel like dancing with a courtroom lawyer in a battle of words. You are doing well though....look at the positive on Saturday...when you two have a day like that make sure to make it known to him ...something like "that was a fun day of golfing today, I enjoyed that" . Make it very casual and non-pressuring but "reward" the good behavior none the less
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1517236 - 07/14/08 09:59 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Twin,
Dancing with a courtroom lawyer is exactly it.

I think the cell phone idea is a good one. His perception of control will be very important to him.

I did exactly as you mentioned regarding the golf. He said that he had enjoyed it too. Told me that I did well \:\)
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1517269 - 07/14/08 10:25 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
I did exactly as you mentioned regarding the golf. He said that he had enjoyed it too. Told me that I did well


There you go...enjoy the good and hold on to the ride for the bad
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1517317 - 07/14/08 10:55 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
I'm holding on. My fingers are numb and my toes are curled....but I'm holding on.

My teeth even hurt.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1519108 - 07/15/08 12:54 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hey Hope,

Just checking to see how your day is going?
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1519286 - 07/15/08 03:00 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Thanks TD. It's not going too badly. H was home early from work yesterday afternoon. He had borrowed a Bobcat from his boss and was working on our yard landscaping. He asked for lots of input and made sure that he was including plenty of flower bed space for me. There was lots of "we" and future home plans.

After dinner though he retreated to the couch and seemed to be depressed. At one point he asked me why I love him. He said that he did not deserve me, and asked me to quit being so nice to him. (guilt?) I gave him a quick kiss on the forehead, told him that it would be alright and took my book up to bed.

I haven't heard a word from him today, and he has golf league this evening. He will be playning an important round (for 1st place) and I wished him good luck before I left for work this morning. I don't plan to call him. Instead, I'm going to let him concentrate on his match, and the special golf balls that I picked up for him last night on my way home from work. He had mentioned them this past weekend, and asked if I would be able to get out Monday on my lunch hour. I told him no, but I could probably get them on my way home from work. I did, but he still acted surprised to find them on the kitchen table. He will have to think of me when he uses them tonight!
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1519302 - 07/15/08 03:08 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Ok now. H just called me! Just caught his cell phone in the door and broke the holder. Guess what? He wants me to do something nice and order another one for him. He was laughing at himself, and for the first time in a long time I could hear the smile in his voice.

TD, I think your words were "cautions optimism."

I also have to tell you that I snooped today at his phone records. He has had no calls to or from the EA this month. It hurt to see the previous 2 months...there were calls for over an hour. During the times when he said he was not talking to her. Ugh! That was painfull. But the positive is there were NO calls this month!
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1519379 - 07/15/08 04:01 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope, some very good things here....I have to run though...talk to you tomorrow
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1520522 - 07/16/08 07:57 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope,

Sounds like you have a different H there again. Great news about no contact with the OW for a month. Great attitude change too. Just be the even keel. He might cycle from happy to depressed etc. Go with the flow. Don't be surprised if something small makes him take a 180 and if he does stay your course and don't let whatever he says get to you.

An example from my sitch: We would often have periods of very good days and I would think "great things are finally getting better". Then a day later it would be the exact opposite and I would say "where did this come from, what about the last several days". My W would say everything she was doing was an act and it wasn't working out. I would in turn get despondent...etc. My main mistakes were to not remain even tempered and try to convince her she was folling her self. What I should have done was remain cool and just say "I'm sorry you feel that way, is there anything you would like to talk about"

I'm so happy you are getting some time of peace. I hope last night was just as good. Of course remember to reward this good behavior. It may be a large effort on his part, make sure he knows you appreciate it, you want him to continue acting like this.


Edited by TwinDad (07/16/08 07:58 AM)
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

Top
#1520556 - 07/16/08 08:22 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
Neilh23 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 1834
Loc: Western New York
Cautious optimism indeed! things are improving Hope. I'm happy for you....
like Tdad says...keep your emotions on an even keel, even if he doesn't. It works wonders!!!!!

i'm very glad things are getting better
_________________________
ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams


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#1520724 - 07/16/08 10:24 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Neilh23]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Guys, the peace is blessed. It is allowing me to keep “even keel” with out such an emotional struggle.

H had golf last night and didn’t come home till about midnight, so I suspect he went to the Pub with the guys afterwards. I did find that I had missed a call from him at 9:30, and thought he didn’t leave a message it made me feel good anyway.

I woke up when he came to bed, and we talked a little. He asked what I had done and whether I had gone out. He then said that it looked like the guys were planning a golfing weekend at Party Town. He said it would just be the guys, and none of the other wives were going. 

In the morning I asked him how his game had been last night, and we really had a good discussion about it with detail about several of the holes on the course.  He talked to me like a friend again!

Getting ready for work he asked I was ok if he went up to golf this weekend. I said yes, and we discussed the financial aspect.

He then asked if I still wanted a new golf bag for my birthday in a couple of weeks. I said yes, unless you wanted to get me something else. He reminded me that we have an outing together in Sept. (was not sure we would be playing together or not, so that was happy news!) and he thought it would be good if I had a new bag! YESSS!

Twin, I have heard the “acting” comment from him in the past, and will be prepared to hear it again. It was crushing when he said it the first time. I don’t believe it now though…and will strive to be the even keel. I have heard the smile in his voice and seen the old sparkle in his eye, and I know he is not that good of an actor. That happiness, even if brief and intermittent is real. I know it will be back.

Neil, thanks for your words of support. Both of you guys are my sunshine.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1520757 - 07/16/08 10:40 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hearing it in his voice is a wonderful feeling and your right, there is a difference between this and the acting...being detached really helps you see this.

I am so happy for you, he seems to be really thinking about you and "into" you and making future plans.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1520926 - 07/16/08 12:43 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
The detachment is a wonderful feeling. I wish I could bottle it and give doses to all of the hurting people on this board.

I know that I will hurt again in the future...but it is so good to now take a break from it, and for the future to feel some "Hope".
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1520947 - 07/16/08 12:57 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
Neilh23 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 1834
Loc: Western New York
i know i could use some of it right about now...LOL.....keep it up hope, you're doing great!
_________________________
ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams


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#1520954 - 07/16/08 01:03 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Neilh23]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
i know i could use some of it right about now...LOL


Naahhh, Neil just needs a kick in the butt from time to time....he is really doing great as well...lol
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

Top
#1521088 - 07/16/08 02:52 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Quote:


Naahhh, Neil just needs a kick in the butt from time to time....he is really doing great as well...lol


I know, I have been reading his threads. I truly don't know if it's easier to be separated or to live together as H and I have been doing.

I do agree that it is harder for the one that leaves the family unit and goes into an apartment etc. I'm sure that you both have missed your kids terribly. My boys were early teen when their dad (my 1st H) and I split up. I had them for the whole first year, and then was really ready for a break.

I can't imagine if they had been as young as both of yours. I also truthfully can't fathom a mom wanting to break up a family.

With me, both times, it has been my H being unfaithful, though this time I believe it has only been an EA....which is hard enought to deal with.

From the vantage point of experience, I can say that I think both times were MLC. The first time I had NO idea about the devistation of divorce. I bought into what the counselors, family and friends said.

Not this time. Hang in there guys. I think that both of you are pretty special, and your wives are lucky women.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1521125 - 07/16/08 03:09 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
I know, I have been reading his threads. I truly don't know if it's easier to be separated or to live together as H and I have been doing.


I would have to say it is a mixture of both. I know in the time leading up to the sep...there was so much tension and uncertainty. When the sep finally happened, even though we saw each other quite a bit (pretty much daily) being able to go some place else for a "break" really helped with my DB efforts. It really helped take some of the exhaustion out of it.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

Top
#1521298 - 07/16/08 04:42 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
TD,
I was glad to see your threads as part of your signature. I have been able to read a bit of them, and I am very happy to learn about the good things happening with you.

I want to say that you have given me good advice, have been a real lifeline and it has helped me more than you might know. Hopefully at some point, I will be able to do the same for someone else....

BTW, I was interested to read in your thread that your wife's career has been in the housing industry. That was my career for 20+ years (I started at 21!) and I saw/experienced first hand the validation, financial reward, intense stress, party lifestyle and everything else that goes along with this wonderful and addictive line/s of work. I bought my first piece of real estate at age 22, one of my sons bought his first at only age 21.... not bad for our depressed economy.

Anyway, my real point is that you are right to think that her career might have some bearing on her MLC(?) People that are sucessful in that line of work are usually smart, selfish, driven and have good sales (manipulative) skills. I know, lol. A Huge amount of "who they are" comes from their career. The money/income is only part of the issue.

If she is burned out, starting up a business may not be a good thing for her. When I hit burnout, I took 2 years and did something totally a 180 from the industry.

When I finally began to read the financial and real estate/business sections in the papers again, I knew that it was time to go back. So I did, but in a complimentary field that drew on my years of experience, and did not provide so much stress. What I gave up in pay initially, was worth the peace of mind.

Just my thoughts...
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1522088 - 07/17/08 08:29 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Well this is intesting.....

After work I went to the practice range and hit some balls. Then joined office folks for drinks at a retirement send off.

Got hoome 9:10 and H was MAD and calling me all kinds of names. I had told him earlier that I was going to the range and would hang out with friends, but it seems that he projected his own guilt back to me. Hmmmmmm, how do I do this? He doesn't want me to report all of my plans to him because it makes him feel obligated to do the same, but he gets angry if I don't do that anyway?

So confusing. The last that we talked about it we agreed that we would NOT report every move, but we have cell phones and if we need to know what is happening we can call?

I think he just got a taste of his own medicine and didn't like it. I didn't do it on purpose, and will find steps to take so it (hopefully) doesn't happen again, but I think he does care, afterall.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1522089 - 07/17/08 08:32 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Thanks Hope,

I really do appreciate that insight....and your evaluation of the industry is spot on....sometimes it seems more like a social club than anything else. For years I truly resented her career but wouldn't allow myself to admit it because I felt I shouldn't....after all I want her to be happy and if that was her career then so be it. I resented the drain it took on our relationship (14 hr days including commute time). I resnted that I seemed to come third after her career and partying. When we did socialize it was with the same social group......do I need to say how happy I appeared at these functions. I resented that having a family got delayed so long. I remember asking her in the midst of the 14 hour days what would be the top 5 things she would like to accomplish in life....not one of them had to do with us or children....it was all career. I stuck with it, knowing one day she would see what was truly important in life.

I can honestly say I have let go of that resentment....it feels great! I don't know if she is going to do something else. I think a lot of it comes from frustration with the current turmoil in the mortage industry, a lot of it is from just being burnt out from years of long hours and high stress, and a lot of it is guilt around not being able to spend the kind of time with her family that she would like. I think the current situation in the industry is kind of a mixed blessing. It has reduced her income, but has allowed her to see what "life is all about" for good and bad. I think if she can accept that she will not be making the kind of money that she was used to, then she will likely stay where she is at, if she can't then she will look for greener pastures. In either case I plan to support her and help where I can. The good thing is every business she talks about getting invloved in, she plans to run as a home business and involve the kids and be more involved in their life, which for me is music to my ears.

Quote:
I want to say that you have given me good advice, have been a real lifeline and it has helped me more than you might know. Hopefully at some point, I will be able to do the same for someone else....


Thanks, very much, that is very sweet of you to say. I am just glad I have made a difference in someones life....I truly get a lot of joy, especially when things appear to make a turn for the better. I truly care about the people I post to here and I actually pray for them and their marriages as well (spirituality is always something I have struggled with.....too much of a logic driven engineer). Post to others....you will find it will help you more than you know. I think I have relayed more of my own sitch in others threads than my own......possibly the ultimate thread hijacker...lol
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

Top
#1522115 - 07/17/08 08:54 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
I had a feeling it was the mortgage industry! I know exactly what you mean by the "social club." It's interesting to me how it is the same in this part of the country, and yours.

I was but a baby when I started in it. I have to say that it was very good to me, but I more than gave back with the toll of the stress.

Personally I got worn out by all of the mergers and acquisitions. I gave up after the 3rd one. Took 2 years off to do someting "artistic" and then tried again. That lasted but a few years. I was on a regional telephone sales call one day where the National manager was applauding the young 30 something sales guys for working 18 hour days... I was 42 and newly married and thought "I can't do this anymore."

I was very fortunate that I was able to use my contacts and experience and turn them into a great real estate related job that doesn't have quite as much stress. Lots of politics, but oh well. That's stress on another level.

It's good that you are so dedicated to supporting your wife, no matter what her career is. Too many men (my first husband for example) feel threatened by a sucessful wife in that type of career. I was doing very well and we had been married 17+ years when I finally found out he was sleeping with the wife of our best couple friends. She was about as "unpolished" as you could get. Barely finished high school, a gum chewing hair dresser that didn't even own a skirt, let alone a business suit. But she made him feel less threatened and more like a man. He was 43 at the time. His loss.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1522156 - 07/17/08 09:35 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
Too many men (my first husband for example) feel threatened by a sucessful wife in that type of career


I can honestly say I never felt threatened by her career since I was successful in mine and didn't define myself by it, but I was saddened by the toll it took on her and us.

I had figured you were in real-estate when you kept talking about open houses...she did that before getting in on the mortgage side. I also realize this is very difficult for her, it is a big adjustement from not having a want in the world to having to think about paying the bills.


Edited by TwinDad (07/17/08 09:36 AM)
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

Top
#1522251 - 07/17/08 10:48 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Small world, isn't it?

It will be difficult for her, but in the long run it can bring you both closer.

I realize now that our financial struggle was a big part of my H's MLC. He had committed himself to a failing family business, and I, thru default, became the primary source of income. He worked hard, but wasn't getting paid well, or consistently.

I saw the commitment to his family business as misplaced. I felt that his first commitment should be to he and I, "our family." It went on for 9 years, and at the end I did not respect him for not standing up for himself. We had some very nasty fights.

Then I got sick, and he took very wonderful, tender care of me. It was not easy going thru the cancer experience, but apparantly it was much harder on him than he let on. He began to talk with this "Medical Professional" friend of ours.....and the rest is history.

His father closed the family business this spring, and H had to go out and get a job. He is once again (like when we met) working hard and making good money. I am trying to figure out who I am after the cancer, and he is trying to figure out if he wants to stay married to me. Ech!!!!

I guess my nerves are up. He is leaving tomorrow for a weekend of golf with the guys at "Party Town", and I am feeling sick with the memories of how his EA started. I know that she won't be up there this year, but the pain of it all still sticks like a big lump in my throat.
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#1522426 - 07/17/08 01:13 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope,

Try to put the EA out of your mind....it is part of forgiveness. Despite all that he is still with you. Instead of worrying about his trip, think of ways to make the homecoming special...this might be a 180 since he probably knows your sensitivity about the party town and would expect you to be a little on edge. Show him you are calm, etc and looking forward to hear how is golf game went. Maybe have a nice dinner for him when he gets back.

Quote:
I saw the commitment to his family business as misplaced. I felt that his first commitment should be to he and I, "our family." It went on for 9 years, and at the end I did not respect him for not standing up for himself. We had some very nasty fights.


Do you still feel that way? I take it from the fights that it was pretty apparent to him what you felt about his choice to help his family?
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1522544 - 07/17/08 02:46 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
I know. I'm trying. Sometimes it's overwhelming to me that my life has gotten so sideways, that my world has been so rocked! I never imagined that the things that have happened to me in the last year....would happen to me. It's pretty frightening.

The good news is that things are getting better. In my heart I know it. A lady that I work with, very smart and a good friend, has reminded me that he picked me. The chrisis has passed, but there is bound to be some venting of the resulting emotion.

I'm working on the calm. Sometimes it gets away from me, but I keep trying. Thanks for reminding me about forgiveness. Please keep reminding.

He was very much aware about how I felf about his job. At the time, I didn't really look at it as a "choice" by him to help his family. Rather, they had made promises to us that were not kept, and I was flabergasted at how a parent could use and abuse a child. He ran the business, they kept all the money and the credit. I think he was able to fool himself for almost 6 years. But the last couple things got really bad. He once went 5 weeks with out any paycheck. When he wouldn't stand up for himself, I thought he should breakaway gracefully, and look for something new. He refused, and I felt very resentful that he would not do anything to improve the situation. In the spring that I became ill, he promised that the last thing that I needed to worry about was money, and that he would insist on a regular paycheck. It turned out to be the worst year yet. And as it turned out, he didn't leave his family, they left him. They told him to look for something else, because this year they were not even going to pay him the small amount they had last year.

Things were getting crazy between us, and he finally took other employment because I believe he had to start thinking about possibly providing for himself.

The positive is that I can see that with this new job, not only is his income now fairly consistent, but his self esteem is also improved. I guess things always happen in their own time.

I will take your advice about his trip this weekend. I iwll think of it as a 180. I also need to work on having no expectations. He is always totally worn out when he comes home, and always hits the Lazy Boy and crashes.

I need to but my usual restentment aside and just be glad that he is coming home, and make it as welcoming as I can.
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#1523820 - 07/18/08 11:55 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope,

Just checking in with you to see how you were looking for this weekend....positive thoughts
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1524181 - 07/18/08 03:45 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Getting ready for a weekend with the house to myself. H. was supposed to leave for his golf trip to Party Town this afternoon. Didn't talk to him today, so I'm not sure if he got on the road ok or not.

He didn't come home from the bar last night until after 1 pm and was quite drunk. He was hung over this morning and had to get up and work half the day.

I think he was panicked that he hadn't packed or prepared anything yet. I asked if I could help him and he was mean and nasty in response.

I'm quite ready for some time away from him.
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#1524194 - 07/18/08 03:52 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope,

Enjoy your peaceful weekend.....you had a good week you deserve some breather time.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1525188 - 07/19/08 06:51 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
My weekend has so far not been as peaceful as I had hoped. At the end of the evening last night (out with friends for drinks and dinner) I was told that the EA’s H had a “mental breakdown” earlier in the afternoon. It involved him taking a gun and going outside of their home, saying that he was going to shoot himself. Pretty scary. There were all kinds of police and emergency service vehicles locking down the neighborhood. My MIL found out about it when she tried to drive to the store.

This had been a very good friend of ours, up until the time my H and the wife started “talking.” She was the “medical professional” that thought she could give my H medical support and “understanding” as I was going thru my cancer treatment. When the relationship was discovered, my H ended his friendship with his buddy. These guys had hunted , fished and worked together for years. As children they had ridden the same bus to school. It was all very sad.

At the weeks went by, it became obvious that the buddy was becoming more and more unstable. Friday morning my H told me that his buddy had come into the pub Thursday night, and that they had words. My H was angry because his buddy has been calling mutual friends and telling them that my H was sleeping with his wife. This was very upsetting to me, and when I heard it I began to cry. My H became upset and demanded that I stop crying. He said, “why are you crying? It’s not even true!” He didn’t understand that I was sad for the lost friendship and the shame I was feeling for what our friends/neighbors in this small town would be thinking.

Then came Friday afternoon. H left on his golf trip, and his buddy probably had a fight with his wife. He took his gun and started to threaten that he would blow his head off. I guess she must have called the police.

Word is now that he is hospitalized on a 72 hour suicide watch. I am grateful that he is at last in a safe place, where he will get the help that he needs.

I talked to my H this afternoon when he called from his golf trip. I would guess that he has heard what happened with his buddy, because after all, he is golfing and staying with the father of the W. He didn’t mention it, and I did not say anything to him. I am ashamed that his part in this has caused his friend to have a breakdown. I am also afraid that their 3 beautiful children were at home when all of this happened. Children that used to come here for early breakfast before opening day of hunting season. Children that came last year when I was sick, to visit and cheer me up. Children that came with their dad to help my H put up hay.

This is ugly, but it is not of my doing. I hope good will come of it. Writing it out has made me feel better.

I am going to open a bottle of wine and try to find some peace in the rest of my weekend.
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Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1525192 - 07/19/08 07:00 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
Neilh23 Offline
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Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 1834
Loc: Western New York
Hope...you have peace. Find a good book...a good movie...whatever makes you happy.

I'm sorry that today was so rough for you....i can only say you can weather this too.

Be strong.

i'm thinking of you...
_________________________
ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams


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#1525285 - 07/19/08 09:39 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Neilh23]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Niel, I'm thinking of you too.

I openied a good bottle of red wine. I spent almost an hour in my hot tub....and it started to rain.... \:\)

Then I got a call from my oldest son, both of my boys are "gear heads", and this son is in the final stage of putting a V8 into an old Mustang. He invited me over to "hear" the exhaust. (that's my boys!)

But, with all of the rain, I can't get out of my road. With the construction, and the fact that they dumpted about 15 "trains" of new sand/gravel this morning my road is not passable.

I am stuck here! But my sone said he would pick my up in the morning if I can't get out to go to church.

It occurs to me that my sons love me more than my H does.

I hope that you are having a good weekend.

I can't read my good book because I drank the whole bottle of gooc red wine. I also but some chicken to marinate and will grill it tomorrow with my sons.

I will sleep well, and hope that you do too.
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#1525524 - 07/20/08 07:52 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
1hope Offline
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Loc: Mid-West
Hmmm....just re-read last nights post. Looks like I can't drink and type lol!

Still raining here.
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#1525545 - 07/20/08 09:05 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
Neilh23 Offline
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Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 1834
Loc: Western New York
Hope...LOL...it made sense. don't worry about it....glad you had a good evening.....wine induced or not...
_________________________
ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams


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#1526442 - 07/21/08 08:31 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Neilh23]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope,

Sorry to here about the EA's H. My heart goes out to him. If any good comes of it perhaps your H and the EA will see the full effect of their actions on others around them....family, friends and children. Perhaps...up until now they viewed their actions as "innocent"....hopefully not anymore. Having been in an EA, I can say they are easily "defended" by those in it, I hope this shows them otherwise.

If your H brings it or anyone else brings it up, I wouldn't "press" yuor H on it. He probably already feels guilty about it, and can't allow himself to feel guilty about it because after all he has defended it all along (i..e there was never anything wrong with it in his eyes). Externally he might just say his friend has gone crazy....don't believe everything he says...underneath he knows better. The only thing I would say would be something along the lines that you are sorry to see "EA's H and family have to go through so much and be in such pain"

I hope your H's homecoming was better than the time preceeding it.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1526623 - 07/21/08 11:02 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
The homecoming was not good.

I see that your advice was spot on, but I wasn't able to do it last evening.

We had a terrible fight. It was very ugly.

I was really struggling, and I failed terribly. I wonder if I am cut out for this afterall?
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#1526651 - 07/21/08 11:20 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
Neilh23 Offline
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Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 1834
Loc: Western New York
****Whap!******

good grief..i'm just carrying around my 2x4 today..

yes. you are cut out for this. you are doing fine.

It's an emotionally charged sitch. You WILL have blow ups. It's how you learn from them that make all the difference in the world. What started the fight? Why is this a "cheeseless tunnel?"

Hope, think about it.....how could you handle things differently next time? and there will be a next time?

Keep your chin up....you are doing fine
_________________________
ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams


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#1526661 - 07/21/08 11:28 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
((((((Hope))))))

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off. The fight was yesterday...today is a new day.

If it gets brought up again by H, then just say something like "I over reacted a bit, I just really feel for EA's H and his family, they have to be going through a lot". Your H might have been very defensive last night....let the small town do the work for you. What was once something that was probably hush-hush and only a few people knew or suspected about is now going to be much broader in who it reaches. The community is not going to look favorably unpon your H or the EA (and whoever else she might have been involved with). Your H will be shown to see just how wrong this was.

This is something you have to decide if you are cut out for it or not. If you are then prepare yourself for community people talking about you behind your back, stuff like "she must be a fool to be with him", etc you get the picture.

Always remember, if you choose to stand for your M, then you are by no means the fool...he has been the one making the foolish choices. Don't let the actions of the EA's H take you off the "good track" you were on last week. This could be a good time to show your friendship for your H, he already knows about how you feel about this R with the EA. He is going to be the target of a lot of conversation around town, he doesn't need you on the bandwagon as well.

If you have forgiven him for the EA, then say something like "I have put that R behind me (referring to the EA), I am just here to be your friend"...then be his non-judgemental friend.

This is your choice. I wish I could have helped sooner \:\(

You can do this!
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1526705 - 07/21/08 12:04 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Neilh23]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Ok Neil, Thanks.

H started the fight. Something that he said (can't remember now even what it was) when I came home from spending the afternoon with my boys & their families.

My sons had heard what happened, their Dad had heard what happened, EVERYONE in our small town was talking about my H, the EA and her H. I was so ashamed. And angry.

When H made whatever nasty comment he made I unleashed. I knew at the time it was not going to be productive, but I couldn't stop myself.

At the time I found myself wondering if my H was worth the pain and humilation that my sons and I are feeling. Clearer head now, I realize that is not a decision for me to make, and I feel remorse at having lost control.

I don't like feeling the remorse. I would rather feel peace and calm. I will have to remember that the remorse always comes after the "cheeseless tunnel," and remind myself that I like the calm feeling better.

I also need to starte reading my DB book again.
_________________________
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#1526813 - 07/21/08 01:12 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
TD, I needed that! And the ((( )))'s

I've gotten myself back to center now.

I was feeling very sorry for myself and was acting the part of the grieving wife, not the non-judgmental friend.

I was feeling badly for the buddy and his children. I have seen his breakdown coming for some time now, and I am shocked at my H’s lack of feeling. H works for her brother, and was staying/golfing with her father (and others) all weekend. They all think the sun rises from her little fanny, and not an ounce of this is her fault.

I’m sad to report that stupid EA went with her H with the intent to check him into the mental health wing for assessment. However, she let him sign himself in, so that as soon as he was finished processing, he was able to check himself in, and walk the 20+ miles home.

He didn’t even get the help that I was so glad that he was finally going to get.
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Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1526844 - 07/21/08 01:23 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
I was feeling badly for the buddy and his children. I have seen his breakdown coming for some time now


Your a good person...I remember you saying something about this a few weeks ago...how young are the children?

Quote:
I am shocked at my H’s lack of feeling. H works for her brother, and was staying/golfing with her father (and others) all weekend. They all think the sun rises from her little fanny, and not an ounce of this is her fault.


Your H probably won't allow himself to have an outward feeling for this becuase it would require him to take ownership of his part in it. Be ready for this to show up in mood swings and internal guilt. It is not surprising that her family feels this way....but it is a small town...she will have to take ownership for her part.

Quote:
I’m sad to report that stupid EA went with her H with the intent to check him into the mental health wing for assessment. However, she let him sign himself in, so that as soon as he was finished processing, he was able to check himself in, and walk the 20+ miles home.


Do I understand this right. She drove him to the hospital, let him check himself in, she left, he checked himself out and then walked home?

Does he have any family near by?
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1526904 - 07/21/08 01:58 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
I believe he was taken hand cuffed, by police car. I was told that she "went with him", probably (I would guess) in a second car and I understood it was to sign him in for evulation.

However, once there, for whatever reason, she let him sign himself in, which meant he could then sign himself out. Which he did, as soon as he could.

Did I mention that there were 9 police cars there? The nieghborhood was locked down and the houses evacuated!

The children are 15, 10 & 8. The first two are boys, and the last a girl. They are beautiful, bright children. Since school is out, I imagine that at least the 2 youngest were there, but I don't know for sure.

His own family is pretty fractured. His parents are divorced and his dad and stepmom live kind of an "alternative lifestyle" guess where????? Party Town! Eckkkkkkkk.



Edited by 1hope (07/21/08 02:00 PM)
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#1526915 - 07/21/08 02:05 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Quote:

Do I understand this right. She drove him to the hospital, let him check himself in, she left, he checked himself out and then walked home?


Yup. He was out and walked home the same night.

She spent the night with her SIL & B, but took the kids and went home to him on Saturday. She is telling everyone that they will "work this out" and "they will get thru it".

I think she has over-sold herself on her own "medical professional" talent!
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1527045 - 07/21/08 03:24 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Wow.....my heart truly goes out to them (especially the children)...he had to be in such pain....I remember pain like that. Hopefully this has been a wake up call to her as far as how damaging an EA can be. I don't know what the EA's H contribution was to allowing the EA to happen but hopefully they have been given a second chance.

Your H is going to need you to be non-judgemental and forgiving....everyone in the town will be judging him...especially since the EA and her H have decided to try and make it work. Your H will likely be viewed as the "bad guy" of the two (Mainly because no children are involved on your end). The good news is with a small communitylike that there is little chance of the EA continuing (sounded like it had pretty much stopped) or developing into something else. It is a chance to do your DB at its best and show true love and giving..... be prepared for a roller coaster....but act "as if"

I will be thinking of you and everyone else up there. The choice is yours.....
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1527873 - 07/22/08 08:42 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Twin,
Where does your wisdom come from? You were right about the roller coaster. If you had not mentioned it, I would not have been prepared.

As it was, I was still a bit surprised by the intensity of the anger that the Alien displayed when he came home from work. If he had been drinking (Thank God for small favors!) I think I would have called the police. He has dark eyes, but they were black with rage. I could not even see the pupil.

I think he has tremendous guilt. I used what you said about "I went a bit overboard and I am feeling for EA's H and the kids". He finished the sentence for me when it came to feeling for the kids. I guess he does too.

However, in the next breath he was furious and accusing me of involving his family in the middle of this Fridays events. He accused me of trying to get his family to "side with me against him." He said that the whole town, and especially all of the folks at the Pub, would be talking about what went on (with EA, her H, and my H) for weeks, but he said "that's how it is in a small town." I told him that I hadn't even known what had happened, that his parents had each contacted me! His mom had driven into the situation while she was going to the store! Over and over he admitted his guilt in the situation, but kept saying "what about her, she has 1/2 of the guilt....it's not just me!" I'm thinking that his guilt is eating him alive inside, and he is projecting the pain back on to me.

The next second he was back on the "I'm going to divorce you" kick. I kept calm and refused to engage. That seemed to make him all the more angry. He kept insisting that I sit down and "talk to him like an adult", about divorce. He was so angry that I kept trying to move away. I finally told him that I would talk to him about anything except divorce, and when he had nothing to say I went out into the back yard and chipped golf balls.

I came inside after about an hour and he tried to start it up again. I told him that I was tired, had a headache and needed to rest. I went up to the bedroom, and he spent the night on the couch.

This morning he tried to start in again, but I was calm and acted as if. We were each getting ready for work, and after he was dressed he began to panic about his lunch. Honestly, he sounded like an overgrown 9 year old, whining about not having anything to take for lunch. What the heck? He packs his own lunch every day? He was saying "fine, you just keep on primping while I go to work without any lunch. You can primp so you can find yourself a new man." Hmmmm. I wasn't primping, I was drying off after a shower. So I went down, was calm and helpful, and assisted him with his lunch.

As he got ready to go out the door he gave me a hug and pressed his cheek against mine. He said remorsefully "I wish things could be different". I thought to my self, me too.... and they can be. But I didn't have time to say anyting because he made the quick dramatic exit out the door.

I probably won't hear from him today, and he has golf tonight. So I'm back on the roller coaster.

It's a bit less scary when you know what to expect.
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Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1527921 - 07/22/08 09:30 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
Where does your wisdom come from?


From making mistakes....big ones....and learning from them

Quote:
Over and over he admitted his guilt in the situation, but kept saying "what about her, she has 1/2 of the guilt....it's not just me!" I'm thinking that his guilt is eating him alive inside, and he is projecting the pain back on to me.


If he brings this up again, validate him....he is 100% correct in that....she has ownership in it as well. Keep in mind he will be viewed as the bad guy due to the kids. Let him know he has a friend. Also it is pretty normal to transpose the guilt upon the people we love the most.....just keep that in mind when keeping your even keel.

Quote:
As he got ready to go out the door he gave me a hug and pressed his cheek against mine. He said remorsefully "I wish things could be different". I thought to my self, me too.... and they can be. But I didn't have time to say anyting because he made the quick dramatic exit out the door.


This is excellent, he appreciates how you didn't throw things in his face. Don't believe the D talk. It is guilt in him basically saying you deserve someone better than him.....that is your decision to make.

Hope, I think you handled everything beautifully, hopefully today is a little better, but if it isn't you are ready for it. Remember your H needs a friend more than anything (he will have very few in this small town for a while), he needs someone to be on his side despite the hurt he has caused you. If he starts up again, validate him and let him know, that despite all of this you are still his best friend and that you are there for him. He will likely deny it, might even get ugly about it, pass the test and be his friend.

Just a couple other things to prep yourself for
- Don't be surprised if rumors come out or more details come out where this was more than a EA at some point. If it does you have to decide if you can accept. At the very least there will be rumors.....just start prepping yourself for it.
- Don't be surprised if your H wants to pull up roots, it is a small town. You might even consider validating if at the very least for discussion purposes. You have to decide if that is within your realm of possibilities.

I hope today goes better, do someting nice for yourself you have earned it! (and your H possibly....maybe bring him lunch at the job site, in a small town this sends a clear message that you plan to stand by your man). I have meetings for a while today, just wanted to let you know I wouldn't be ignoring you
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1528005 - 07/22/08 10:33 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Quote:
If he brings this up again, validate him....he is 100% correct in that....she has ownership in it as well.


I did last night, and will keep doing so. In fact, when he did this last night his voice was almost a plaintive howl. That was when all the emotion went out of me and I was able to be totally calm. I felt like I was dealing with one of my sons who was upset by a major injustice.

Quote:
Don't believe the D talk. It is guilt in him basically saying you deserve someone better than him.


It's pretty strange. No one in his family is divorced, although his parents were apart for a couple of years when his dad went thru his own MLC. H has said repeatedly (since this all started) that I deserve someone better, and that he is not worthy of me.

Quote:
Remember your H needs a friend more than anything (he will have very few in this small town for a while)


Maybe, but he is pretty tight with her brother and dad, and they are totally down on her H. The sun rises and sets on her shining head. I only mention that because that seems who he is surrounding himself with most now. I also think that is why it bothers him so much that he preceives his family is against him. That I am influencing them to take a side against him. People other than Her family DON'T hold the same view about EA. But everyone feels badly for the children.

Quote:
Don't be surprised if rumors come out or more details come out where this was more than a EA at some point. If it does you have to decide if you can accept.


My instinct from the start is that it was more than an EA. For several reasons, but in part because one of his recent complaints is how long I suffered the breakup of my first marriage. Long story there...but the intersting thing is that it was more bad feelings between Her (ex best friend) and I, than my exH and I. My current H was also a party to the bad feelings and shared them with me! Now though, it seems to really bother him that I really didn't "forgive them" until just recently. I'm thinking that bothers him because he has probably done the same thing with this ex-friend.

I have given much thought, and have decided that if it does come out, I can live with it this time. Having gone thru one divorce, I will not willingly initiate another one. And circumstances are different. My recent illness, the ages of my children, my spiritual beliefs, my more mature view of life.

This time last year we were not sure that I was going to live. A short affair hardly seems earth shaking compared to that.

Quote:
Don't be surprised if your H wants to pull up roots, it is a small town. You might even consider validating if at the very least for discussion purposes. You have to decide if that is within your realm of possibilities.


He was born and raised in this town. Our farm is adjacent to the land he grew up on, land that he farmed with his Grandad. His family surround us. He would never leave, and I think since we have no childred together it is probably the thing that is keeping us together now. Leaving won't be an option, but I will validate almost anything is wants to discuss.

We will have to stay and face this thing down.

I would love to run something out to this job site today, but don't know where he is working, and I don't want to call him on his cell this morning. I think it might be too soon.

He has a short day anyway because of golf. I would rather leave him with the good memory of how I helped him with his lunch. Then maybe run something out to him later this week.

I just got a call that my new golf putter is in. If I go to pick it up after work, that will be the something nice for me.

Thank you about the mention of your meetings. I do so appreciate your communication. You have helped me more than you will probably ever know.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1528219 - 07/22/08 01:19 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope,

You are really on top of this.....I am very proud of you. Sounds like you are very grounded and have your game plan. I hope tonight goes well for you and the alien doesn't resurface too much.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1528266 - 07/22/08 01:39 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Is H projecting?????

H called a bit ago. Very small, sad voice. "Do you really think my job is stupid?" (One of the things I had said during the argument Sunday night. I admit. My bad.) I said "No, I don't." He said "Ok, well you should be careful what you say." He sounded so sad, I asked "are you alright?" He said "No, and "gotta go, bye."

He called back a few minutes later, with more of the same, but talked longer this time. Sounded very down, but again asked why did you say the things you said? I repeated that I admitted to over reacting, that I was angry and upset. It had been a stressful weekend for me with the events of Friday etc.

I then asked were he was working today, and he told me. I thought maybe I would slip out at lunch and bring him something cold to drink etc.

As I was leaving my office he called my cell, and said "Don't come out to the job site." I said "ok, I won't." He said, "I thought you were going to." Then he asked me why I had said the hurtful things that I had said. For the 3rd time I repeated my comments, only for him to say that I needed to get counseling, and that I was starting to sound just like EA's H. What the heck?

Duh,..... maybe that's the way the S of an EA shounds??? Could it be that when a S discovers an EA we react with some of the same pain filled responses?

Also, we did have a fight, but I am not marching around our neighborhood with a gun.... so why does he think I amacting/sounding like the EA's H?

It doesn't make sense. Why does he think that I have to be the verbal saint? Afterall, he said some equally horrible things, but I don't focus on them, and I choose to believe it was only anger and he doesn't really mean it. I am really working on biting my tongue, but it's a new skill and I am human, afterall.

Guess I struck blood with my angry comments. My guess is the comment about his "stupid job" hit too close to home. After 9 years of the failed family thing, now he is working in another family business. EA's family. Which is really what was bothering me and why I said it to begin with. That he will get the rainbow version of her little world on a daily basis from her brother. Eck.

So, I need counseling and I need to watch the things that I say. I am also sounding like his "crazy buddy." At any point do they ever see how maybe their own wacky behavior has caused the boat to rock? It sure wouldhelp make things a bit easier.

We did talk for a few minutes the last time. Then he told me that "he really did have to go, because he had trucks lined up and he was slinging dirt."

Even tho the content was only pointing a finger at me, I think the fact that he called 3 times is a good thing. I'm glad that I helped him with his lunch this morning.

I suppose the Alien with be the one that comes home from golf/the bar tonight. With any luck can be asleep.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1528484 - 07/22/08 03:15 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope,

You handled things very well. Remember believe nothign of what they say....but look at the actions.

He called you several times, his tone was very soft and hurt. You probably did strike home with the comment about his job (and it was a little bit of a low blow) but you took ownership for it. He is probably starting to realize the impact of his actions and his rosy picture of the EA will probably change a little bit when he takes most of the heat for the EA's H actions......he even said why doesn't anyone blame her....etc.

You are not the EA's H, but sometimes we can come off that way when we don't agree with it.....in his eyes there is still a self righteous part that thinks he did nothing wrong. That perception is being challenged by everyone in this small town.....he has guilt to deal with.

Continue to be strong, remember he needs you to be strong and has guilt...don't let yourself get dragged into another fight...remember you can't win these....you did do a good job of getting yourself out of it though.

I hope tonight goes well
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1528516 - 07/22/08 03:35 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
I know. I'm ashamed to admit I'm not above a low blow.

The 4 beers I drank with my sons at the BBQ didn't help much either.

I'm really working on the forgiveness though.

Thanks for the well wishes for this evening. I just came back into my office and saw that H had called my cell. No message, but that makes 4 times today.

Hope your night is grand as well.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1528542 - 07/22/08 03:55 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Should be good, W is actually cooking then I have to go to the house I was living at and take some things apart for the movers tomorrow.....I don't know how much I will be on-line tomorrow.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1529332 - 07/23/08 09:02 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
TD,

Hope your evening went well.

My H called me 2 more times after I last posted. Small communications, which I took as a good sign.

At the same time, 6 calls in one day? That was not normal during our "good times" and unheard of recently. So, because of that and your good advice, I had my Aliendar on, and was not totally caught off guard when he came home and was "weird" after golf.

I was home and in bed when he came up about 10 pm. He had been drinking at the golf course, but made a point of telling me that he hadn't gone to the bar. I'm pretty sure the reason that he didn't do that was he didn't want to have to face the talk that is bound to be going on. Of course I didn't say anything.

Instead he got in bed, big sigh, "what are we going to do about us?" Crap. Not again, I was almost asleep.

I validated for a while, but it felt like I was fencing with an octopus. A couple of times my voice began to raise, but I caught myself and was able to back off. He kept saying that he just wants to be "friends" with me, but he doesn't think I can do that.... (is this Jr. High or something??) I made a suggestion that for the next week we try this: We work at being friends, let some of the tension rest, and he not mention D. He countered with H won't mention D if I not mention the EA.

So, we have an agreement. I have determined that I will bite a hole thru my tongue before I mention it... and not just for a week, but ever again. He stressed over and over that he knows I can't do it for a week. Honey, just watch me. If he brings it up after the week, I am going to tell him that I have forgiven that R, and have moved on. As I watch his bizarre behavior now, it really isn't hard to forgive him. He truly is not himself!

He did not sleep well, and got up early. When I came down he had already been in the hot tub and was now in the shower. As we got ready for work, he began to get angry over little things. He was angry and spewing all over the place by the time he slammed out of the house for work. The stuff he was saying would have cut like a knife 6 weeks ago. Now not much even surprizes me.

I do wonder how this will work out. I wish there was a way to make someone get help, but I know there is not. I really can't tell if this will just fade away, or blow up. It is so strange.

He asked me to do several errands for him today, and I agreed. Then in the next breath he is wailing how bad his life is, how much he doesn't want to be with me, how he just wants me to leave and go away etc. WTF?

I know. Believe nothing that he says. I'm working on it. I have the rubberband on my wrist and I give it a good snap each time I start. I'm now on my 2nd rubberband. Broke the first one last night. Oh well.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1529432 - 07/23/08 10:50 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
Kenny Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/08
Posts: 139
I wish I knew how we could make them get help.

My w wants away but thinks I should give her space by moving in with my mum & dad.

I have so far resisted this. This annoys w big style.

I am beginning to be able to cope with not believing what w says but its hard when you want to be compassionate and honest and trustworthy.
_________________________
Kenny

Me:40
WAW, MLC?:39
Kids:S11,S9
T:25, M:14
ILYB:Apr 08
W moved out Aug 08
W:Does not Want to Try

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1541678&page=0&fpart=1

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#1529503 - 07/23/08 11:47 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Kenny]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Kenny,

I know exactly what you mean. My H and have a beautiful old home that we remodeled together. Now he wants me just to leave, and turn everything over to him.

He has rewritten our entire history (in his mind), so that I didn't assist with anything at all, not financial or physical labor. That is so nuts!

I am working hard on my DB skills, but it felt this morning like my mere presence undid any accomplishment. I guess maybe the opportunity to do good DB work out weighs what might be lost in annoyance?

This is very hard. He called me 6 times yesterday. Nothing at all so far today. Wow.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1529546 - 07/23/08 12:25 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope,

I am proud of you...you did very well last night. Sounds like you got a good agreement in place. If you have forgiven him his EA then there really is no reason to bring it up ever again (good plan). All you can do is hold up your end.

He wants out because he feels bad for his actions, he doesn't believe you can forgive him, and he just wants to escape. You are doing a great job being his friend and detaching...he is testing you though.

Congrats to you and it is great he didn't go to the bar, regardless of the reason
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1529703 - 07/23/08 01:36 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Thanks TD,

I am thankful for small favors. Despite the rough validating session, we were able to create the agreement. I have always been pretty easy to motivate...just tell me I CAN'T do something.

I believe also that he is testing me. He has given me small tests before, and I have often failed. Not this time.

I let him know last night that I was planning to go out of town with my youngest son on Sunday. S's engine building buddy has leased a drag strip for the day, and the guys are going up to test drag new stuff out of the shop. I am going to take pictures that they can use on their web site. It should be great family fun, with a picnic and everything.

When I told H last night he seemed surprised, and for once did not comment a lot. Usually he would say something like "good, you should go and have a good time, without me!" Or, "maybe you can find a new H while you are there."

So, my thought is that either tonight or tomorrow, which ever seems to be more applicaple to his mood, I will ask if he would like to go along. I know that he will say no, but taking a note from you TD, at least it will have been his option.

My new golf putter came in and I picked it up today! Yippeee \:\)

Your praise means a lot to me. It might take me longer, but I am hopeful that I will be able to achieve the same success as you. I hope your moving day is going well \:\)
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1529876 - 07/23/08 03:40 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Thanks Hope,

The moving went pretty well. It took them all of 2 hours to move stuff from the other house to the garage here.....time for a garage sale. Then had lunch with W and we went to look at a house....our new hobby....lol!

Tonight we are taking the kids to kids night at a local restaurant. I think it is a good idea to invite your H...who knows, depending upon how well your BD goes in the next few days he very well might say yes....he also might be eager to get out of the small town for a day!
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1529905 - 07/23/08 03:57 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
goldeylox Offline
Member

Registered: 07/13/08
Posts: 1518
Loc: OR
Hope, enjoy your new putter!
I've been reading about your sitch, and think you are doing a great job of detaching. Sounds like H has noticed too, if he called x6 in one day! Good job too, on the 'agreement'. I'm sure you can do it, especially with your rubber bands. (I use them too). Peace.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1521191&page=0&fpart=1
_________________________
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse
S:22, S:19, D:16
Filed Oct 08, dismissed
Filed again Jan 10, dismissed
Now Piecing
alter persona: SuperBoots

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#1530207 - 07/23/08 08:50 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: goldeylox]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Nice to meet you GL,
It's good to have another friend here.

I didn't hear from my H all day today. So strange after 6x yesterday.

I started thinking as I left work, maybe he couldn't think of a "reason" to call, because he had such a "fit" this morning and then stormed out. I decided to treat him as a friend, and called quickly to tell him I was on my way to the produce market, and did he want anything specail for his lunches? He sounded glad that I called and said that I always got good stuff when I shopped, and to just pick up the usual things.

Then he told me that he had been invited to deer hunt this evening with one of the heads of the gun club. They are having an early "special" season in our state, and this guy invited my H to go with him and his son. This is not one of H's usual drinking buddies, and he is a pretty strong family man. YES!!!

That makes 2 weeknights in a row he has not gone to the pub! That my friends, is a new record! At least for the past 3 months!!!!

Befor he left, he told me that a job had cancelled at work so he had tomorrow off. But he would be working on Friday, and would be right downtown in the city that I work in. I said, "well maybe we can have lunch." He responded that wouldn't work because lunch for him was usually eaten as he worked, between trucks. I didn't say a word or even give a look. Immediately he said, but you could visit the job site on your lunch hour if you'd like. \:\)

Bingo! Another milestone. It was a big one because I knew he had met the EA for lunch downtown early spring. He works construction, and in the 13 years I have known him has only ever had lunch with another woman that was selling construction equipment. His lunch with the EA broke my heart, and he well knew that. We have not met for lunch since all of this stuff started in March. I have never even been to the job site since he started with this company. I used to frequent his job sites, at his request. This is huge for me, and I think a big step for him.

The detachment is working.

TD, hope kids night goes well. I think it's great that you can go out socially as a family.

I also remembered something you said the other day when we were talking about real estate. You said that you knew I was in that line because I had talked about attending open houses. I meant to tell you that made me smile, because the open houses I was writing about then were graduation open houses \:\) For many years I did residential finance. When I got burned out I moved to commercial sales. New game, similar rules. I'm learning too much to be bored or burned out.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1530676 - 07/24/08 08:18 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
H did not get a deer last night, but almost made me late for work telling me all about his evening. It was good to have him talking again, so I listened...

As I got ready to leave for work he gave me a hug and a kiss. I hugged him back and kissed his neck, which he immediately wiped off! Geeze, talk about hurt feelings. I didn't say anything, but I know he knew he hurt me. He just said "I'm all sweathy."

Ok. Point taken. Just let him lead, and don't make any move on my own.

It sure makes me sad.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1530918 - 07/24/08 11:50 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope,

Great big babysteps!!!!!! I am very happy for you. Looks like being a friend is going very well for you \:\)

Look at this and some of the things you have done in the past and how is he reacting to them differently....make mental notes.

It is great that he asked you to come out to the job site for lunch, complimented you. Both of these came from you making friendly non pressuring gestures.....offering to pick up stuff for his lunch, and asking to have lunch with him....bingo.

Practice, not taking things personal like the "sweaty neck" afterall he hugged you and kissed you first!

Last night went pretty well, the kids have had camp during the day this week so there were no naps.....my S does not do well with no naps.....lol, still a good time though
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1530941 - 07/24/08 12:07 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
TD,

Boy, do I remember 3 year old boys and summer days with no naps! Even once stressful memories grow sweeter with time.

Thank you for your positive words. I was starting to feel a bit down, and your comments have picked me back up.

No call so far today from H and I was starting to focus on the negative. He has today off and I am having a hard time focusing at work.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1530963 - 07/24/08 12:23 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
No call so far today from H and I was starting to focus on the negative. He has today off and I am having a hard time focusing at work.


Then go shopping....lol

Another positive to focus on is yesterday when you called him after not hearing from him all day he seemed pretty happy. Wait till mid to late afternoon and give hima ring, ask him what his thoughts were on dinner tonight?

Of course if he sounds negative on the phone just brush it off, say something like "its all good, see you in a little while" with an upbeat tone....."act as if"
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1531065 - 07/24/08 01:27 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
I like the way you think, but work will keep me here today.

I didn't mention earlier that before the hug goodbye he had said that he would get something out for dinner tonight, if I wanted. I said yes. That was always something that we did together, cooking. He likes to do it, and we are both good at it.

It was also one of the things that he has really been downplaying lately. At one point he referenced "my little dinners" and how all we ever did was eat too much and fall asleep early.

Hmmm, my resting was necessary, but he has first and foremost always been a tv & remote kind of guy. Except for golf in the Summer.

I have always focused on healthy food in the house, but he has a problem with portion control. I gained 35lbs during chemo, but have since lost it all, plus some.

Since his MLC began he has really been working hard on losing some weight and getting more fit, but his almost nightly drinking has been stopping most of his progress.

In fact, I find this very interesting, he doesn't even seem to really see me at all! He hasn't noticed what I wear each day, or how I look, and he used to always comment to me, good or bad!
Now what he always says is that "we need to loose weight" or "we need to tone up a bit". He doesn't even see that I already have.

I look better now than before I got sick. I have had my hair done several times now, it's about 3" long and a mass of blonde "chemo curls." I have had a couple of complete strangers come up to me in the street etc. and tell me that the style is darling, and ask who/where did I have it done? (Believe me, it's a million dollar perm folks!) About the only thing that H has said is "it's such a change" and, "fix your hair, you look like a boy."

Oh, no I don't. I know that I don't. I have always been considered attractive and I know that I am once again back to the top of my game. But the person that it most means to me doesn't see it at all. He hears my voice, but doesn't see me at all!

The more that I think about this, the more instances I can come up with. I am having an ahhh ha! moment.

I wonder if his vision will eventually clear?
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

My first link

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#1531095 - 07/24/08 01:47 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
I didn't mention earlier that before the hug goodbye he had said that he would get something out for dinner tonight, if I wanted. I said yes. That was always something that we did together, cooking. He likes to do it, and we are both good at it.


Great....making dinner for you!.....not at the pub...is that 3 nights in a row!

Quote:
Oh, no I don't. I know that I don't. I have always been considered attractive and I know that I am once again back to the top of my game. But the person that it most means to me doesn't see it at all. He hears my voice, but doesn't see me at all!

The more that I think about this, the more instances I can come up with. I am having an ahhh ha! moment.

I wonder if his vision will eventually clear?


What can you do to "casually" get him to notice? He is unhappy with his physicall side now. Have you too ever exercised together. If you bring it up, don't press it, almost make it his idea....if he brings up the toning part again say something like "what do you think about getting a gym membership together, we could go there a couple times a week together". Just a thought, but it would be a good opportunity toshow off your "shape" and others in the gym will likely notice as well which he will notice. Don't forcce, make it seem natural if you like the idea.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1531172 - 07/24/08 02:36 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Well, he didn't go Monday either, so it might be 4 nights!

I think he is ashamed of this part with EA's H, even thought he hasn't really acted remorseful.

I tried the subtle thing when this started. Usual wife stuff. At the urging of g.f. I bought all new lingerie AND sleep attire. Not all at once, but replaced things over several weeks. He only complained about the $$$.

The EA is very thin, and a runner. She is also flat as a board, with long blonde hair....um, and a face like a horse. She likes to wear her young sons t-shirts.

At her 40th b'day party (when we were all still friends) she ran up to one of my BILs and launched into a full body hug, with her leggs wrapped around his waist. It startled him, and besides almost putting his back out, he looked around nervously for his wife. I was taking pics., and got the shot. When I said something to my H about it later (before I knew about the EA) he told me that I was only jealous because I couldn't do the same thing! What????? Like I would want to?

I guess at this point I really don't feel like he would notice me as a woman at all. I will try to suggest the gym, but don't think he will bite. I am hoping that what ever has his mind "fogged" will melt away eventually.
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#1531192 - 07/24/08 02:53 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
1hope Offline
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Before all of this he never even liked her personality and her body is sure not "his type." He liked curves and girls to wear makeup. He was fasinated with my makeup and nail polish etc. He always buys me a new nail color for my Christmas stocking.

I can't help but feel that her energy and fitness as a runner are somehow tied to his MLC.

How do you capture the attention of someone who is not acting like themself?
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#1531215 - 07/24/08 03:08 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
1hope Offline
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Never mind. I just re-read your last response to me, and I know that I have to be patient and work things normally.

I'm just feeling a bit of nerves I guess.
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#1531230 - 07/24/08 03:22 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Just relax.....you are really doing great....look at all the positive developments in your R in actions towards you. There have been some negative, but a lot of positives.

Don't look to the EA as an example....you are not in competition with her, do so only brings you to her level. Also most spouses look at an EA/PA and think....you chose her...I don't get it. It is because the H was having a need filled, and had a very strong desire to have that need filled.....the person could be a complete pig, but if she is fulfilling that need, then she is the most beautiful person in the world (in his mind at that point, she is kind of like a drug). You will not find any comparision between you and her that makes true sense. Besides if you don't think about her then it makes it easier to put it behind you.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1531246 - 07/24/08 03:29 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Loc: Mid-West
You make good sense. As always.

I know that I need to quit thinking of her to forgive and forget. What you said about it being like a drug seems true. There is not a lot of other logic.

I guess all of the events of the past year have really rocked my own self esteeem.
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#1531279 - 07/24/08 03:43 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Crap. H just called for the first time today.

Knew it was too good to be true. He called to tell me he is on the golf course playing by himself, and it is backed up and slow.

Said he got some steaks out to thaw, but to go ahead and eat without him because after he finished golf he was going to go have a few drinks.

I said, "oh, are you going to the Pub?" He said, "well I haven't been there in a while, and you were there this weekend, right?"

Yes, ok.

Then he started to instruct me to go ahead and take a steak out and grill it if I got hungry. He said he didn't plan to be late, but if I didn't want to wait to go ahead without him. (the last time he wasn't going to be late it was 1 am!) I said that's ok, it doesn't sound like much fun without you. He said, it's ok, I'm telling you to do it.

And I'm telling you that I don't want to. (didn't say it out loud) I was looking forward to dinner with you. Darn, Darn, Darn.

I'm sure he has to get his update from the regulars on EA's crazy H.

So, the positive during the conversation is that he told me he got other things out of the freezer for meals the next couple of days and he shared the communication on that.

I'm just disappointed. I was looking forward to this evening.

No expectations I guess. Even when he goes out of the way to set them up for me.
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#1531294 - 07/24/08 03:53 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Trust me it is like a drug. Not that I ahave any experience with drugs, but I have had some with EA. There can be some intense guilt accompanied by feeling miserable. The fact that your H is showing you a fair bit of attention and seems pretty friendly for the most part is a great thing.......it took along time for me to come out of my numbness toward my W and look at her in a positive light. I can only think that the recent chain of events and you being his "friend" during that time when everyone one else was against him has paid big dividends....he is enjoying your company......read the your last couple days worth of posts (particularly him talking about the deer hunting, sharing...etc...friendly talk)
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1531300 - 07/24/08 03:56 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Thats right no expectations...if you talk to him again....no guilt trip....just upbeat. He has been good lately, he is testing you and wants to know you trust him.....show it. Time for actions. Wait for him a little bit until you feel it is the time in which He would consider not late. If he is not home by then, then cook them up (and send me one....lol). Else enjoy a dinner together and make sure he knows you are glad he decided to come home "not late"....reward good actions
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1531579 - 07/24/08 07:26 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
I'd send you one if I could. It's good beef, last of his Grandad's angus stock. His G'dad sold the herd when H graduated from H School. He was the only g'son that really showed an interest in the cattle. A neighbor farmer bought the angus, and we usually swap our hay for beef.

Up until this drama all started, we used to dream about getting back into it, and and developing our own market for a high quality beef. Similar to Cobe beef from Japan.

Oh well. Life takes a sharp left.

I know he has been good. I had pretty much already decided to behave exactly the way you recommended. I don't want to ruin my visit to the job site tomorrow.

I went shopping after I left my office. Got a really good deal ;\) on a very nice Italian leather handbag. I Love "retail therapy" It's very pretty and will be perfect for fall. That will be about 201 for my "collection".
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#1531993 - 07/25/08 07:52 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
1hope Offline
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Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
H came home pretty drunk at about 9:30 last night.

Unfortunately, he caught me crying in the hot tub. I had lit my candles, had the music going and was just enjoying a cold beer and a good quiet cry. He came up on to the deck, my back was to him and he scared me half to death. He gave me a really nasty look, went on into the house and slammed the door.

When I went up to the bedroom he was already in bed. He began to rant about me talking to his youngest brother, and that one of us way lying. I would not engage, and he jumped out of bed and went to sleep on the couch.

This morning I had to wake him up so that he wasn't late for work. He did not speak a word to me, and left without even packing his lunch.

Ok, so now the thing is, do I still stop by his job site this afternoon or not?

It won't hurt me to take the high road and drop off a cold drink to him. I doubt that he would snub me in front of any other workers that may be there.
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#1532010 - 07/25/08 08:12 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope,

Sorry about last night. Play it by ear a little this morning....but he didn't bring his lunch....if it doesn't hurt you then you have nothing to lose. I assume the rant about his little brother had to do with the EA?
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1532016 - 07/25/08 08:15 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
Neilh23 Offline
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Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 1834
Loc: Western New York
HOpe-
if you want to drop off his lunch, do it. Don't worry about his reaction. Show him you still care, even after all the crap.

I'm sorry last nite was so tough. When ppl are drunk, they do silly and unexplainable things. He might've felt guilty this mornign for his actions last nite. Plus, he probably had a hangover. LOL....:-)

have a better day
_________________________
ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams


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#1532074 - 07/25/08 09:05 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Neilh23]
Kenny Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/08
Posts: 139
Yes drop of some lunch if you want to.

Show him you care. Its not as if you would be doing something bad is it!

H might see things slightly less harshly today.

Thinking of you
_________________________
Kenny

Me:40
WAW, MLC?:39
Kids:S11,S9
T:25, M:14
ILYB:Apr 08
W moved out Aug 08
W:Does not Want to Try

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1541678&page=0&fpart=1

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#1532075 - 07/25/08 09:06 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Neilh23]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
TD, yes. The rant had to do with me calling and talking to his little bro last weekend when their buddy (EA's H) went on his little stroll with the gun. My BIL is also a good friend of the other H, and had been in contact with him almost daily since this drama began. When I heard that EA-H was in the hospital, I called to let him know.

He is feeling guilt I think, and is taking any little play on words to turn his anger on me. His mom and dad (separately) were the ones to tell me on Friday about the EA-H's mental meltdown. During our fight Sunday night H had accused me of running to his family with the news, and I replied to him that it was his family that had informed me. I meant his mom and dad.

I did call my little BIL on Saturday evening to ask if he had heard EA-H was in the hospital. I knew that he had been in close daily contact with him and wanted to see how he was doing.

But really, what does it matter?

I am guessing that my BIL probably talked or saw my H last evening and gave him an ear full about his part in this mess. When I talked to him last Sat he was angry about the fact that H was playing a part in the mental distress of their mutual buddy.

Gotta be the intense quilt, and I'm sure he did have a hangover.

Neil, I think I will drop something off to him. No expectations, but I will just act "as if" nothing had happened.

I have the afternoon off anyway as I have a Dr. apt. later this afternoon. The lunch will be a quick thing and then I will be off to see the Doc and maybe do some shopping \:\)

Thanks for the good thoughts guys.
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#1532111 - 07/25/08 09:31 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope,

Looks like you have it down, you let it get to you a little bit, then you just move on.....the detachment is nice...a month ago you would have probably let to grate on you all day. "Act as if" it is very powerful particularly if you don't have to act at it and it comes natural through detachment.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1532232 - 07/25/08 11:02 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Detachment is wonderful! Better than expensive red wine.

Also, probably not possible without this board and your help.
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Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1532239 - 07/25/08 11:06 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Originally Posted By: 1hope

Neil, I think I will drop something off to him. No expectations, but I will just act "as if" nothing had happened.



Sorry Kenny! Just re-read my last few posts and realized I gave credit to the wrong guy. I'm blessed to have so many new friends. Not doing a real good job keeping the names straight.

Thank you all so very much.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1532640 - 07/25/08 03:15 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope,

Just checking to see how your lunch went?
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1533423 - 07/26/08 08:22 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
Neilh23 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 1834
Loc: Western New York
Hope...just wanted to say HI and i hope (LOL) that you are having a good weekend!

stay strong!
_________________________
ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams


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#1535394 - 07/28/08 10:53 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Neilh23]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hey Hope,

Just looking to see how you are doing
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1535486 - 07/28/08 12:14 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Hi guys, just now got the chance to get on line.

The weekend was very busy. Lunch on Friday was very nice. My H. actually told me that I looked nice. He said that he noticed the other guys checking me out. We spent some good time together, and I was able to watch him work and I think that made him feel proud.

Friday night we finally grilled our steaks. While we were having dinner he told me that he had again been invited to hunt, and I asked if he was going. He said No, I told him I was going to have dinner tonight with my wife! \:\)

Saturday morning he asked me to go golfing with him. Neither of us played well, but we had a good time. Somewhere during the day he again referred to me as his wife. Those little statements meant so much to me.

Saturday night we cooked and had dinner together, then watched the baseball game. After dinner, as he began to get tired, I noticed that a bit of bitterness (? something) began to slide in. I acted as if and ignored it.

I had to get ready since Sunday I was going to watch Son(21) drag racing. H. offered to help me prepare the food I was taking with me. I had invited him to go along, and he actually said that he would like to but didn't want to spend the whole day there, and did not want to drive a 2nd vehicle (cost of gas). The drag strip was about an hour away.

He got up with me and was nice as I got ready to go. He even helped on the phone with directions when we were on the road and encountered a detour.

My son, his g.f. and I had a great day. Sunshine and in the 90's. It was a private event and we had a closed track so it was pretty much a "test & tune." The riders were basically working on reaction times and mph. I did no racing, but watched and enjoyed the sun. Maybe next time I will ride.

We had a great day and I got lots of good shots. Spent a little time at my son's house looking at the pics when we got home, then I took off to go home.

I want to post this at this point, so you guys will know I survived my weekend. I have more to tell you. Will post it next.
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Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1535499 - 07/28/08 12:21 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Awesome Hope!!!!!

Posts don't get much better than that! Glad to hear you had a great weekend....You worked hard to get it. I find when we don't hear from people for a while, it is usually very good or very bad....I'm glad yours was the former.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1535596 - 07/28/08 01:38 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Part 2....

As I drove home I notice lots of flashing lights in the distance. I got closer to our home and saw that all sorts of emergency vehicles were parked in the road in front of our house. A State police car was in my driveway and blocking my entrance. People and crew were everywhere.

I finally saw that my H had come to the side of the road and was motioning me to park at the neighbors house and walk back to our house. As I crossed the road I struggled with tears, because as you can imagine, I was thinking the worst.

Since I could see that my H was ok, I thought for sure the EA's H was probably dead inside my house!

Instead, I saw that a small 4 x 4 truck was smashed up and lodged into the trees, very near the front of our house.

Seems that a young woman, traveling down our closed to construction road at a very hight rate of speed, lost controll, became airborne, flipped around and smashed her vehicle into the shade trees by my front porch.

She missed hitting our house by about 3 ft. My H. who was inside watching tv heard the noise, came out to have a look and saw the truck on fire in our trees. Another man came up to help and together they broke the window and pulled the screaming woman out. My H. called 911 and tried to put the burning fire out with my garden hose.

I arrived just after they had transported her in an ambulance. Her blood alcohol count was .28 Our state legal limit is .08

You can imagine what I thought when I approached my house and saw all of the police and emergency vehicles. I thought that the EA's H had come to my home and that something terrible had happened. Within just a few minutes of my coming home, my SIL and my M & FIL also showed up. They were also quite upset.

My H did not understand why we were feeling like we were. When I told him that after last weekend we were concerned that something bad had happened, he said "You thought that EA's H had shot me?" I said yes, we all did. He said, "well, I'm not shot." His SIL tried to give him a hug, and he stiffened up and pulled away. He did not speak a word to either of his parents.


After everything was said and done and we were in the house alone, I told him that I was proud of the way that he had handled the whole thing. He was cool and calm, and had very likely saved that woman's life.

I asked him how he was feeling, and he seemed calm about the whole thing. Not a lot of emotion or excess excitement. Not a word about his parents being there, or the fact that he had not even spoken to them

This morning he got up early and was out of bed before the alarm. All went well until I was dressing and he was getting his lunch ready. He asked if I wanted more coffee, and I told him to go ahead, he need not make more for me. He blew up! Said that if was a yes or no question, and the reason that he wanted out of our marriage was because I was always trying to control him with my words. That I was giving him permission, or not, to make more coffee.

OMG!
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#1535643 - 07/28/08 02:06 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Let it roll off sweetie. Enjoy the good from it. He was probably just holding in the stuff from the night before...honestly I wouldn't have brought up the whole EA thing and the EA's H.....just put it behind you. I understand how pulling up to a house with flashing lights would make you feel.....just put the EA behind you, he needs to as well.

Remember he is trying to make your M work right now....and although it might seem like something that should come natural for him, it is going to be work for him and is going to be very sensitive...which means he is very sensitive to your choice of words (you are under a microscope).....of course you know this and know how to handle it. It sounds like you didn't get sucked into a fight so that is good.

It was still a very good weekend....enjoy the good from it

PS: I though it was great how you told him he handled the whole thing well


Edited by TwinDad (07/28/08 02:07 PM)
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1535719 - 07/28/08 02:43 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
I'm trying. I didn't bring up names, we didn't fight about it. I couldn't help the feelings and tears. Frankly, it scared me to death. When I saw him standing there, unhurt, I had some tears. I stopped them immediately, but could not have done anything to prevent them in the first place.

His sensitivity to my words, no, I didn't get sucked into a fight. I started to try and explain myself, but stopped when he began to rant.

I did ask him not to start my day like this, but he walked out of the house without a word to me.

I do feel like I am under a microscope, and most of the time I feel like I fall short of his expectations. This is very hard for me, especially at this time in my life. I am doing all that I can to handle it...and I thank God daily for this board.

Not long ago I would have let his words of this morning spoil the good from the weekend. Now I remember to keep the good and dismiss the bad.

It's not me and it's not my fault. This is the hardest thing that I have ever done, but I'm going to be ok.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1535753 - 07/28/08 03:02 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
This is the hardest thing that I have ever done, but I'm going to be ok


I'm proud of you Hope, you are doing good. There is nothign wrong with gettingupset like you did, just don't let him see it, and you did a pretty good job of that.

Quote:
I do feel like I am under a microscope, and most of the time I feel like I fall short of his expectations.


Give yourself more credit than that.....look at the last few weeks posts and compare it to some of your earlier ones....look at the improvement. He chose to have dinner with his W instead of hunting.....doesn't sound like falling short to me.

You are responsible for the PMA in the R, that is your job...keep it up and you will realize good results...fall in the trenches and you bring him with you with bad results
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1535798 - 07/28/08 03:21 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
I guess we have come a long way. Thanks for reminding me. Why is it we tend to downplay the good and focus on the things we don't have?

I hadn't looked at the PMA as being my job. That's something that I will have to chew on tonight. I have always been an "up" person. Have to tell you I was in sales in the late 70's when the PMA buzzword was born. It has never been an issue for me because I am a naturally positive person.

One of the things that H has repeated several times lately is that he has become quite negative. I have thought it, but he has even voiced it.

I will think about it as my job in the R. I don't want to fall in any trench. I sure don't want to bring in bad results.
_________________________
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1535828 - 07/28/08 03:36 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
Why is it we tend to downplay the good and focus on the things we don't have?


Because pain hurts and continues to hurt until you learn to deal with it.

Quote:
I will think about it as my job in the R. I don't want to fall in any trench. I sure don't want to bring in bad results.


Amen to that sister! Being a sales oriented person this should be a piece of cake for you. I was always amazed how my W could go from hashing it out with me one moment and then pick up the phone in the next breath and be in full "sales" mode. It is a gift........use it
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1535853 - 07/28/08 03:49 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
I love the way you look at things.

I have never, ever, thought of it as a gift....I have always felt quilty for being able to do it.

Like there was something wrong with me that I could turn that emotion on and off.

So, quess what? It works. I just phoned H at work and asked if he still wanted to bbq chicken tonight like we had discussed this weekend or did he want to do something else?

He said he wanted to do chicken, but a friend (his 4th of July opeing up about cancer buddy) called and wanted to have a couple of beers. That buddy has been out of town for almost 2 weeks. They wanted to catch up, and to be truthfull I'm sure H wants to tell the story of the accident.

I told him that I would start the chicken, and he spent quite a bit of time on the phone with me telling me how to cut it up, (I have a tendency to cut myself) to change my clothes, take my time and to not rush.

He said that he did not want to sit down there for long and drink too much beer. It sounded like he was looking forward to having me and the chicken be the excuse for him to come home.

He even thanked me for calling and I could tell he was smiling.

Hmmm, from storming out without a word this morning to thanking me this afternoon, with nothing but time and my pma to credit.

I will be keeping it up.
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Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1535873 - 07/28/08 03:59 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
He even thanked me for calling and I could tell he was smiling.


Don't you just love it when you can here it in their tone! It is a wonderful feeling.

Have a great night tonight and remember....no expectation...if he is going out for drinks, he may take longer than expected with unexpected results. Your a pro at this so you know how to handle it.....take it in stride. I of course hope for good results for you \:\)
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1536643 - 07/29/08 08:02 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
It's a good thing I have long legs. I needed your reminder to take it in stride.

I made a wonderful dinner last night, took my time and did not rush, just like H requested...but no H and no call. I ate alone at 7 pm, and put the food away at about 8. Started watching the baseball game then moved up to the bedroom at 9 to finish the game in bed.

H came home after the game ended about 10. He kept tapping me on the head, waking me up. He was whining about how hot it had been this afternoon, and how he needed a shower... (gross) then he kept tapping and saying, talk to me, I want to talk to you, over and over... I finally said very quietly, H I was here all evening to talk to you, but now I am sleeping. He left me alone.

I think he left the bed about 3 am and moved to the couch. He was there when I got up, got my coffee and went to the hot tub. I was in about 15 minutes, and when I got out he was up and getting ready for work. I said good morning sleepy head, and he just snarled "well thanks for waking me up!" Not another word, and then he left for work.

Why is he taking his anger at himself out on me? Why does he insist on treating me so unfairly? If I had him fix dinner, but didn't call or show up, he would blow a gasket!

Is this how he shows me how little he cares for me? It's working.
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#1536662 - 07/29/08 08:20 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
Neilh23 Offline
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Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 1834
Loc: Western New York
Originally Posted By: 1hope


Is this how he shows me how little he cares for me? It's working.


don't take his actions that way. He's angry with himself for the way he acted...unfortunately, he's taking them out on you, because he has no other way to cope with it. and again, unfortunately, you are the closest outlet.

long legs are always good. that, plus a good rubber jacket to let things bounce off of you....

stay strong. I'm thinking of you....
_________________________
ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
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#1536664 - 07/29/08 08:22 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
Why is he taking his anger at himself out on me? Why does he insist on treating me so unfairly? If I had him fix dinner, but didn't call or show up, he would blow a gasket!

Is this how he shows me how little he cares for me? It's working.


Honestly, I think he cares, he is just selfish, which is pretty common for people in a MLC. I can't tell you how many times my W has said she was going to have a couple drinks and wouldn't be late, she said she would be home around 7:00 only for her to get in anywhere from 10 to 2 AM.

The more attention I showed it the worst it was the next time. I pay no attention to it and she actually cuts her night short now, to come home. I thought you did very well the way you handled it. Look at the positive, he didn't come home beligerant, when he wanted to talk it sounded like he wanted to share from you (just guessing from your post's tone).

Take it in stride, you did well not to get drawn into his mood this morning. If you are up to it and you talk to him today say something like "wow, I really needed that sleep last night, I have been beat.....how was your night with your friend"

I feel for you, I know it doesn't feel good when it happens, at least you showed him that you were going forward with your plans whether he was there or not. You did well...now face today as another day all together
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1536689 - 07/29/08 08:48 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
I didn't want to wake all the way up and talk to him last night because typically when he has been drinking he usually starts the R or D talk. I've learned that it's a good thing to miss those.

I take a sleeping pill that my doc has prescribed since I have trouble getting enough sleep since the cancer was diagnosed. H knows that. If I miss the "window" and fight falling asleep I will usually be up most of the night. I can't do that and work the next day. H knows this too. What he was doing last night was incredibly selfish.

I don’t know if I will be up to calling him this afternoon or not. I feel like I have been doing all of the phoning to him lately, and in looking at my journal I guess I have. He has not called me since last Tuesday, when he made the 6 phone calls in one day.

I think I’ll give it a rest for a day or so. He has golf league tonight, and I am taking a golf lesson tomorrow after work. If we have conversation I will mention my plans to him, but I think I am going to take a short break from initiating.

On Sunday evening he had told me that he didn’t plan on going to the pub on Tuesday after golf, but thought he would go out on Wednesday and Thursday nights instead. At the time all I said was oh, because it is not like him to make plans to go to the bar so far in advance. I thought maybe he was testing me for a reaction, so I didn’t give him one. But I did make plans for myself for Wednesday.

Sitting at home waiting on him night after night is too painful for me.
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#1536745 - 07/29/08 09:25 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Quote:
I feel for you, I know it doesn't feel good when it happens, at least you showed him that you were going forward with your plans whether he was there or not. You did well...now face today as another day all together


I know, a new day and I am counting my blessings. Several weeks ago if he had stood me up for dinner I would have been hounding him by phone at the bar and fighting with him when he did get home.

I have learned so much and my level of expectation is so low for him that I almost am starting to not care.

What is amazing to me about last night, is that he didn't have to set me up like he did. I gave him the opportunity to not do the dinner thing at all. He was very specific with instruction that he wanted me to go home after work, change my clothes, be very careful and take my time cutting up the meat, take my time cooking it, and he was hot and tired, did not want to stay at the bar very long.... wanted to be home in the cool air conditioning.

I did go on with the plans, but they were HIS plans, not mine. Maybe I should be looking at them as "our plans?"

Oh well, in any event, it was a crappy thing for him to do. The puppeteer got me good last night.


Edited by 1hope (07/29/08 09:26 AM)
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#1536788 - 07/29/08 10:00 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
I know, a new day and I am counting my blessings. Several weeks ago if he had stood me up for dinner I would have been hounding him by phone at the bar and fighting with him when he did get home.


Good for you, you realized that even though you were probably in the "right" you realized you couldn't win that fight and even if you could, it wouldn't have made you happy or brought you closer to your goal.

Quote:
I have learned so much and my level of expectation is so low for him that I almost am starting to not care.


Yes and no, I feel you are not surprised when your expectations go unmet, but you still have them. I don't think that is a bad place to be,it kind of allows you to go with the flow on the bad and enjoy the good. You are pretty much detached

Quote:
What is amazing to me about last night, is that he didn't have to set me up like he did. I gave him the opportunity to not do the dinner thing at all. He was very specific with instruction that he wanted me to go home after work, change my clothes, be very careful and take my time cutting up the meat, take my time cooking it, and he was hot and tired, did not want to stay at the bar very long.... wanted to be home in the cool air conditioning.


Honestly, I don't even think they think this way. I hardly think he intentionally "set you up". I think it is more realistic to think that he was having a good time, lost track of time and figured you just went on without him. Of course a courtesy call would have been nice....perhaps he didn't want to "hear" how he made these plans and broke them. I have been in the same place several times. Some times I get the courtesy call, but I don't expect it, I enjoy it when I get it.

Quote:
Oh well, in any event, it was a crappy thing for him to do. The puppeteer got me good last night.


Hardly, If he was truly pulling your strings, then you would have reacted like you described above....you did your own thing. At least you have a choice when he is out....no kids at home to keep you trapped...lol

I think it is natural to start to get excited when we have a period of good times and start to develop expectations. Afterall, we want this all to be behind us and we have caught a glimpse of our spouse. Unfortunately for them coming out of the tunnel is a 2 step forward, 1 step back type of thing....you have to be the constant level person (hence getting off the roller coaster). I figured he would have stayed out later than what he said last night....been there many times.

I of course don't agree with being treated like that, but they realize it too, there is some guilt for them there that they will have to face one day.

How you handle today is your choice. The only thing I would recommend is to monitor your results. Look back through your posts in the last few weeks. What actions have you done that have yielded positive results and brought him closer to you, what have done the opposite......

My W would often say, she didn't want to come home when she went out....make home a place where he wants to come home and he will be more apt to do so.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1537212 - 07/29/08 02:21 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Quote:
At least you have a choice when he is out....no kids at home to keep you trapped...

I would give anything to have my kids back at the age where they were still home. You have no idea how lonely it is to be home in an empty house feeling un-needed or wanted.

There is only so much GALing I can do. I still end up coming home to an empty house.

Your children give you a purpose and help keep you occupied. You might have felt that void when you were separated and your kids were with their mother.

Being a sales oriented, people person, I don't like too much alone time. I appreciate peace and quiet and "me time", but I like people in the home, a pot of soup on the stove, a basketball game in the driveway.
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#1537259 - 07/29/08 02:40 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
TD, you will like this...

H called me, he had a lul at work and called to "ask me a question, but forgot what it was."

Said that he really liked the chicken I had cooked last night, and that I had done a very good job. How had I grilled it?

Then he asked me what I was doing tonight. Was I going out? I told him that I didn't know yet, but that I wouldn't be too late, probably be home around the same time he was. He said that he wasn't going to the bar after golf, that he hadn't really wanted to go last night.

I said ok, I'll see you at home, and he told me to have a good time \:\)

So glad that I let him call me!
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Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1537280 - 07/29/08 02:48 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Excellent!!! Sounds like a very pleasant conversation as well! Sounds like he "wants" to see you tonight. I thougt you did a good job Dbing.....When he brought up not wanting to go to the bar last night, you could have said "well why did you stay out so late then" You recognized that as a cheeseless tunnel and held your tongue. I am proud of you. Enjoy yourself tonight when you go out and when you get home!

It is funny that you say about not liking the "alone" time, My W is the same exact way. I actually enjoy a little bit of complete alone time to do my thing.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1537466 - 07/29/08 04:15 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Originally Posted By: TwinDad
I actually enjoy a little bit of complete alone time to do my thing.

That's because your babies are still little. When mine were that age I absolutely savored the time I could get alone just to take a bath! \:\)

Then they become young people and you enjoy just being around them. If you are lucky like I was (and you will be, I can tell) you will raise children that you like and consider friends.

Then they are grown and all too soon gone.

You will then have too much alone time to do your thing.
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#1538523 - 07/30/08 07:59 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Actually, I reserve my alone time for after the kids go to sleep. I treasure the time I have with them too much to go into my "cave" when they are awake.....though when it is bed time I am usually quite ready for them to be in bed......lol (i'm not 20 anymore!)

Prior to being married, I spent a lot of time alone, I think this is one reason why I had an easier time with the sep than my W did. Hope your night went well yesterday
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1538599 - 07/30/08 09:24 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
My evening did go well.

I met business friends for drinks, then my g.f. joined us. We sat on the patio in the sunshine and enjoyed the summer evening.

After a while we decided to go to the pub and have dinner. Since the guys were all golfing on their league most of the wives were at the pub. When the guys started to drift in I began to think about leaving. Then my H walked in! He said he knew he had told me he hadn't planned to come down, but had tried to call my cell and the house, and when I didn't answer he decided to come down. I don't think he was surprised to see me there because my car was parked out in front.

I was a bit nervous at first, but things went very well, and we both had a very good time. It was so good to see everyone, and all of the guys acted very happy to see me.

Our community is very small and our group of friends span a wide varity of age. It isn't uncommon to have 3 generations of a family in the pub having drinks/dinner. Last evening both fathers of the EA & her H were there. Both gave me big hugs and warm smiles. The eye contact said all that needed to be said, and I feel perhaps that the storm has finally broken.

In fact, I was told that H has made plans for the two of us to golf in our community golf outing at the end of the summer! \:\)

Our evening ended well, and it has carried through so far this morning.

I am really enjoying the "cautious optimism."

TD, you may not be 20 anymore, but you aren't 50 yet either. I have a grandson a year older than your kids! (Ok, my oldest son started a bit early, but blessings are blessings.)

I believe that age is only a number, and kids help keep you young. Of course I never had twins.

Hope all is good with you.
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Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1538648 - 07/30/08 10:07 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope,

What a wonderful evening. Things must have felt "normal" for the first time in a long time. I am so happy for you. The future golf plans are excellent as well. It is nice that both Fathers of the EA and her husband gave you a hug and warm smiles....it must have really helped take some tension away.

It is great that he tried to call you and from your post it almost seems like he was glad to see you there.

How did the father of the EA and her H interact with each other....I imagine there had to be some tension there!

I think the cautious optimism is a good way to live life in general.....I am thrilled for you....you worked hard to get here!

Quote:
TD, you may not be 20 anymore, but you aren't 50 yet either. I have a grandson a year older than your kids! (Ok, my oldest son started a bit early, but blessings are blessings.)

I believe that age is only a number, and kids help keep you young. Of course I never had twins.

Hope all is good with you.


I am a lot closer to 50 than 20.....lol. Actually I feel younger now than I did 7-8 years ago. They do make you feel young. Twins isn't that bad, in some respects I imagine it is easier....they are truly each other's best friend....it is a true joy to see them interact with one another.

We are actually planning on a 3rd next month....so I will be over 40 when this one is born....lol. This was a source of tension between my W and I. She wanted more and I initially didn't (a large part due to I was doing pretty much all of the work while she was going through some post-partum issues). We are better "team mates" now. Since we need to go Invitro in order to get pregnant....there is always the chance I could be TwinDadx2. The plan is for one, but in Louisiana the law says if you thaw an embryo you have to implant it. We have 3 embryos left (1 in one stick and 2 in another). The plan would be to try to thaw the single first.....if it doesn't survive the thawing then we have a decision to make....and if we thaw the second and they both survive....there is always the chance for twins again....lol
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1538822 - 07/30/08 12:01 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Originally Posted By: TwinDad

It is great that he tried to call you and from your post it almost seems like he was glad to see you there.


I don't know if he was glad, or a bit nervous like I was. The good thing is that he stayed and did not turn and walk out like he once told me he would, back when all of this started.

Quote:
How did the father of the EA and her H interact with each other....I imagine there had to be some tension there!


Tension is probably a good description. They were sitting next to each other, but I really did not see them interact at all. The H's dad was there first, and the EA's dad came in from the golf league and took the empty stool next to him. My H was on the other side, so all 3 were there together.

I know that after the gun incident they had communication, and I have been told that they are all in family counseling.

I hope that they can get things worked out for the EA, her H and their kids. I also hope they stay the heck away from my H and me.

As far as I am concerned, that friendship is over.

I had no idea how Invitro worked, other than the obvious, and I don't know what Michigan's laws are. With my real estate mind I immediately think about how frozen embros are stored and what the facility requirements would be... lol!

Twins x 2... wow! You guys would really be busy.

I know that post-partum issues are very real, and are not such a far step from MLC. In fact, when I first knew of the ages of your children and what your W was going thru, I wondered if that could have something to do with it.

Would you be worried that another child birth would bring additional issues?
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#1538923 - 07/30/08 01:11 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
I hope that they can get things worked out for the EA, her H and their kids. I also hope they stay the heck away from my H and me.


Since they are "all" in family counciling...perhaps they are starting to see that an EA isn't as inocent as everyone thinks and it can have some pretty dramatic effects. Hopefully both families will pull together to help support this working....I would be reasonably certain that they won't be in your lives anytime soon.

Quote:
With my real estate mind I immediately think about how frozen embros are stored and what the facility requirements would be... lol!


Funny you should mention this, they actually had to be rescued by the National Guard following Hurricane Katrina.

Quote:
Would you be worried that another child birth would bring additional issues?


I wouldn't say I am worried so much as just better aware....if it happens it happens, I am better equipped to deal with it now
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1539087 - 07/30/08 02:40 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Originally Posted By: TwinDad
Since they are "all" in family counciling...perhaps they are starting to see that an EA isn't as inocent as everyone thinks and it can have some pretty dramatic effects. Hopefully both families will pull together to help support this working....

I sure hope so. I know for a fact that her dad now sees it was a bad thing, although he told me himself that what was wrong was that they hid it from the spouses, not that they were talking in the first place. He was the one that encouraged my H to remain in his daughter and grandchildrens lives, because his SIL was not being a good H or father. Hello??????

The family as a whole, has quite a bit of baggage. I hope they can work with someone that will be able to sort it all out.

Quote:
I would be reasonably certain that they won't be in your lives anytime soon.


I will take what I have learned from you here... They won't be friends of mine. So in that sense they won't be a part of "our" life. I hope they won't be friends of my H, but I now know that I can't control that. Living in the small town that we do, I know that our paths are bound to cross. I hope that it is not soon, and that by the time it does, my H will have come out of his fog and will be able to see her for the selfish, shallow person that she is.

Quote:
they actually had to be rescued by the National Guard following Hurricane Katrina.
Wow! That's another thing I never thought about. Were you impacted by the hurricane in other ways? Did it effect your home?

Quote:
I wouldn't say I am worried so much as just better aware....if it happens it happens, I am better equipped to deal with it now


You are so calm and logical. Are you SURE you aren't closer to 60? lol
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#1539103 - 07/30/08 02:46 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
We actually got out of the storm relatively unscathed....just some shingles off of the house. The hardest part was spending 10 days in a motel with newborn twins on apnea monitors. My D had only been home from the NICU for about 2 weeks.

All in all we felt pretty fortunate, fortunate to have a place to stay and fortunate that our home was in one piece.

Quote:
You are so calm and logical. Are you SURE you aren't closer to 60? lol


I don't know the back spasm I had the other day sure made me feel that way.....lol
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1540174 - 07/31/08 09:26 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Morning TD,

Meetings yesterday afternoon kept me from the computer.

I called H just before I left the office to remind him that I was going to the practice range to hit some golf balls. He said that he was already home and asked if I could go to the range Thursday evening instead, (he had plans to go out Thurs) and if I came home we could have dinner together. A positive.

I stopped at a local produce stand on my way home and got some of the first sweet corn that we always look forward to every summer. That made him happy, and I also mentioned that I thought it was nice that we have dinner together and both plan to be gone Thursday evening.

After dinner though he seemed to get a little pouty, and ended up laying down on the couch, turning his back to me and going to sleep for the night. \:\(

I kept busy for about an hour, then since he had the tv on another station I went upstairs to watch the baseball game in our bedroom. Oh NO! The Tigers traded Pudge to the Yankees for an inconsistent relief pitcher! Crap!!!! I felt like crying.

This morning I woke H up and he reluctantly invited me into the hot tub with him. I went because I wanted him to see that I appreciated the invite, but he seemed to become more and more withdrawn.

He showed me a peek of the Alien while we were getting ready for work by telling me that he thought I was the Devil, and talking about something that I had said that hurt his feelings during our last big fight....all I said in reply was that I had made the comment in anger and that apparently the things that had happened in the past had to remain in the past for everyone but him! That stopped him in his tracks.

A few minutes later he began to whine from the kitchen that he was going to be late and he could use some help with his lunch. It is going to be very hot and humid today and I could tell he was not looking forward at all to work.

I helped him and I could tell that he appreciated it. He thanked me, said he was sorry if he had made me late for work. We told each other goodbye and to have a safe day. No movement for a hug, and I did not initiate. I went upstairs to finish getting ready for work, and he left.

I know that I am getting the hang of this.

I have another busy day and a long meeting in the afternoon.

I will go to the practice range this evening and sweat out some of my frustration. He is planning on going to the golf weekend and will leave Friday afternoon. He seemed very interested as to whether I had been able to make any plans to also go away for the weekend, but I told him I had not.

I am just looking forward to being at home without any stress.
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#1540193 - 07/31/08 09:41 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hey Hope,

You didn't miss a stride.....well done!!! You are getting the hang of this! Last night was pretty uneventful....my W still goes back and forth between staying at her job or running a home business. I really think it depends up on what kind of day she has had. Reducing the household income by 50% would certainly be an "interesting" turn of events......lol. We wouldn't starve, but life would be a lot different....some good some bad.

Looks like you have learned how to communicate with the alien such that he pokes his head out of the spaceship but didn't get out.

If I had to venture a guess, he is really trying right now, this is an effort for him. He tried by suggesting that you get together for dinner last night....very good. He probabably also set expectations on how he thought he was going to feel. He didn't meet his own expecations (nothing you did wrong)....hence the pouting and poking his head out of the spaceship.

He was also trying this morning with the hot tub, again this is an effort for him. You did well to keep an even temper and just be a good friend and of course not getting dragged into his funking mood swings.....you are the stabilizing force of kindness. You did well to reward his good behavior as well.

Very well done!
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1540283 - 07/31/08 10:49 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
It's good that you support whichever career choice your W decides to make.

I'm sure that what she's currently thinking does depend on what kind of day she has had. I know that the decline in her industry is causing very high stress levels for all of the folks still working in it. Some of my friends are dealing with circumstances that have not been seen around here before. Not even back during the 70's when rates hit 18%+. It is not going to end soon, or be pretty when it does.

It's kind of interesting, I think my H's mood currently gets effected by the kind of day the THINKS he's going to have.

I'm sure he was tired, hot and hung over yesterday. That makes the fact that he is making an effort mean all that much more to me. When he can't sustain his attemp... I can almost sense when it is going to happen. The good thing is that I am prepared now, and don't get thrown into the mix with him.

I am trying to focus only on the things I can control, and not worry too much about the fact that he will get too discouraged by his inability to keep up the good feelings.

He used to question the fact that he should be "happy" and wasn't...so he thought he should dump me and thus would be "happy" again.

At lease he is not saying that these days.

Thanks for the encouragement. Your kind words and the positive achievements help make it easier to keep doing good DB.
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#1540529 - 07/31/08 01:24 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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No problem Hope, we are all here for each other.....I think you have officially graduated from DB school....you have your act together!
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1541639 - 08/01/08 08:42 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Good morning!

Thank you TD. Althought DB is a school I wish I'd never had to attend, I can already see that the things I am learning here can be applied to other areas of life.

For the past couple of days I have been getting regular little peeks at the Alien, but I refuse to let him draw me in. I don't think he quite knows how to react.

He called me at work at the end of the day yesterday and went in to a lot of detail asking questions about my plans for the evening...then, when I in turn asked "what are your plans?" he gave me an abrupt "I don't know." See you later, goodbye. Hmmm. Of course he was at the pub, so what's with all of the mystery?

It's almost like two different people are inhabiting his body, and they take turns fighting for control.
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#1541666 - 08/01/08 09:03 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Hey Hope,

It could be all of the questions are a form of his guilt coming out from his actions. Deep down he feels bad about the EA, but he also knows that if he did it then it is possible that you could have as well. He is not accusing you but he is insecure about the possibility. He might even be a little fearful that you will go down this path in a revenge type mode. There is no point in asking him about it...he will deny he feels that way and will of course deny that the EA was any big deal.

Quote:
It's almost like two different people are inhabiting his body, and they take turns fighting for control.


Sounds very familiar....it is sad to watch this...at least it seems to have mellowed out a little bit in the last few weeks. Give him the space and freedom and be his friend like you have been, he won't run if no one is pursuing.....
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1541709 - 08/01/08 09:44 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Funny that you should mention the revenge thing....he has always been very afraid of my tendency to believe in the "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" philosophy.

I suppose now that he has let himself enjoy some interaction with me again, his guilt would come back to bite him with insecurity.

I have seen the insecurity demonstrate itself in numerous subtle ways. In fact, being his friend and NOT pursuing him has really seemed to rock his world.

He thinks that he knows me, and it's turning out that he really doesn't.

It's wonderful!
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#1541770 - 08/01/08 10:12 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
He thinks that he knows me, and it's turning out that he really doesn't.

It's wonderful!


I don't think you are going top have a problem with this, but this could be part of his insecurities too....he thought he knew you but he really doesn't. My W would tell me she didn't trust me because of my changes.......This is where consistency and time come in....let him get to know the better more confident you....he will love her more.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1541990 - 08/01/08 11:56 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Oh yes. Consistency and time. Very important in the DB toolbox.

The things that he thinks he "knows" about me are usually the negative things that he didn't like. He hasn't yet mentioned that he has even noticed any changes in me. But his actions show otherwise.

You know I am working on the better more confident me. I read somewhere recently that a man falls in love with his wife three times.... I'm aiming for his second time.
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#1541996 - 08/01/08 11:58 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
But his actions show otherwise.


There you go....listen with your eyes
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1542024 - 08/01/08 12:14 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Originally Posted By: TwinDad
There you go....listen with your eyes


TD, another good one. \:\)
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#1542424 - 08/01/08 02:33 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Hope,

Have a nice and peaceful weekend at home and a good homecoming for your H.

Take care
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1542685 - 08/01/08 03:57 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
I will. You too my friend.

H is on his way to his golf outting. S 22 will be at the lake and (I just found out) S25 is test driving a NASCAR car at Michigan International Speedway... God help me \:\) Something to do with his work.

At least they are all accounted for and I can have a stress free weekend.

I will make sure of a good homecoming.

Have a great weekend and enjoy your family!
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#1543793 - 08/02/08 07:50 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
Neilh23 Offline
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Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 1834
Loc: Western New York
Hope...i wanted to thank you for your words of encouragement on my thread....i still struggle...alot...and it means alot to me when you give me insights.......it makes a difference.

I hope you are having a great weekend yourself...you deserve it...and stress free too!!!!

many thanks again....
_________________________
ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams


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#1543843 - 08/02/08 09:24 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Neilh23]
1hope Offline
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Loc: Mid-West
Thanks Neil, your words help me too.

My weekend so far has been mostly good, but some ghosts are haunting me tonight.

Words from our small town have come to make me feel bad. TwindDad told me to be ready for them....silly me, I thought I was ready to handle it. It still hurts.

The worst thing is that this is something that I will have to keep inside and will not be able to even talk to my H about.

God this is hard. I hate it that beople think he is making me a fool.

Their words, combined with his strange behavior lately makes me doubt him again. Echhhhhhhhhhh!
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#1544865 - 08/04/08 07:44 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
1hope Offline
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Up and then down again. I felt better when I woke up in the morning. Had my coffee out on me deck, smelling the fresh cut hay. Sent a text message to H saying that.

He called me back a couple of hours later and was in a wonderful mood. Told me that he would be home between 3 - 4 and that he planned to cut the grass. I told him that I would put something on the grill and we had a great conversation.

He then told me that our friend and his wife had invited just the two of us up to Party Town to spend the weekend, and that we would go together and play H's favorite 9 hole course. THIS IS HUGE! I was sooo happy. But I acted calm, and said I'd like that, it sounds like a lot of fun. He then said he'd see me in a few hours.

I started to prepare for a nice homecoming, got things ready for the bbq and made a dessert.

Quess what? The Alien came home! ?????

He was so cold and impersonal, I could feel the temp drop when he walked by me. He asked what time dinner would be, he was hungry and didn't want to wait 30 minutes. I told him there were some burgers that I had cooked the night before, on the top shelf of the fridge. He said "Don't start, I can see them! Your husband has a brain you know!" I turned around and looked at him. I was shocked! He said "don't give me your looks!"

Boy does he know how to hurt me. I felt like he had stuck a knife in my heart. As I struggled not to cry I asked him why he came home like this? He hadn't even given me a hug or a kiss, and he always does after he has been gone. He said, you're all sweaty, or have tanning oil on or something. I did have lotion on, but that doesn't preclude a peck on the lips, which is basically what his kisses have been of late.

I went upstairs and took a quick bath, changed my clothes and when I came back downstairs he was sound aslee in his lazy boy.

I got my purse and went over to see the kids. That part of the evening was good. I got to see both boys and my grandson. We spent about 4 hours together, then I went home.

H was asleep on the couch so I went up to the bedroom.

When I got up this morning I made coffee and tried to wake him up. He would not get up.

I took my shower and got dressed, he was still laying on the couch. I knew he was going to be late for work. I didn't want to be there to take the brunt of what I know will be an Alien invastion. So I left the house early.

His golf clubs and shoes were still on the deck overnight where he had left them when he came home. That is NOT like him to leave that stuff outside all night.

Now I know he will be furious with me tonight because I didn't stick around to help him get off to work. And I feel sick to my stomach.

All night I didn't sleep well. The only reason that I can figure he did such a 180 on me is that he rode home with the 60 year old guy that is the only single one of that group. I have been told privately that he is not a friend to me. He has been divorced 3 times, and is a very bitter man.

Now I don't even want to go home tonight.
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#1544872 - 08/04/08 07:58 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
Neilh23 Offline
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Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 1834
Loc: Western New York
oh Hope. I'm sorry you had a rough weekend and the Alien came in again.

The only thing i think that hurt you was that you had "expectations" when he came home. You expected the nice husband, and you got the Alien. Try not to have expectations about your H's behavior...and you can protect yourself.

Make sense?
_________________________
ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams


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#1544880 - 08/04/08 08:08 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Neilh23]
1hope Offline
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Loc: Mid-West
It makes sense. But it's so hard not to have expectations, especially when he is the one setting them with me.

My weekend was good, up until the part where he came home.

It is really hard for me to live not knowning from one minute to the next what is really going to happen.
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#1544884 - 08/04/08 08:17 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
Neilh23 Offline
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Loc: Western New York
yeah i know it tough not to have expectations. It's human nature to have them. I think we need to train ourselves not to so we can be pleasantly surprised. and not let down when things don't go our way.

YOu might need to learn to go with the flow in order to really grasp what's going on with your H. esp if he keeps flip flopping the way he's been.

take care of yourself...make yourself happy...and find ways to do it when the Alien arrives again...

(((((hope))))
_________________________
ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams


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#1544911 - 08/04/08 08:43 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Neilh23]
1hope Offline
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Ok. So when does having no expecations give over to just allowing bad behavior?

I'm a good person and I don't deserve to be treated this way.
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#1544915 - 08/04/08 08:47 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Neilh23]
TwinDad Offline
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Posts: 1194
Hope,

I thought you handled things nicely.......let it roll off your back....pretend like it didn't happen.

It could be he was in a good mood on the way home and just got hot, tired, and hungry, and it had nothing to do with you. As relaxing as it may seem those weekend get-aways sometimes require a vacation to get over.

To put things in perspective, On saturday we bought some paint and painted the dining room and an accent wall in the living room. Normally this isn't a big deal, but when you have a pair of 3 yr olds "helping" you, it can be a challenge. We thought it looked great wehn we went to bed shortly after finishing on Saturday until we woke up the the next morning and it seemed well..........shiney. We had got semi-gloss instead of egg-shell. Of course we didn't decide to re-do it until after we had pulled down all of the tape. I admit this made me feel pretty grouchy, a condition that could have been made worse if my W reciprocated. Instead she acted as if and the grouchiness went away.

"Act as if" when you talk to him next, it will make a difference. If you act "scared" then he will think he was justified in his grouchiness.

Look at the positive, you have a couples weekend getaway planned!

As far as the small town gossip goes. You are not a fool and have not been acting foolish, anyone that thinks so has their head up their backside. Your H was the one doing foolish things. You are choosing to stand for your M and you are making a difference.

Remember "act as if" it will make the most difference today.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1544924 - 08/04/08 08:52 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
Neilh23 Offline
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Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 1834
Loc: Western New York
Hope-
Twindad has a very succinct way of explaining what i really meant....Act As if.
Going with the flow does NOT mean that you put up with bad behavior. it's finding the time to talk to him about how he treated you at a time when you are both calm, cool, and collected. but, it could lead to more problems...because he might feel like you are attacking him. It's a fine line....that i'm still learning to traverse...so i might not be the best person to explain it
_________________________
ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams


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#1544952 - 08/04/08 09:24 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Neilh23]
1hope Offline
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Thanks guys. You both help me more than you can know.

Yes, act as if. I will.

I did have expectations. When I talked to him he was so happy about the couples plans,I couldn't help but be happy too. He was going to mow and I was going to grill, it's hard for me not to have an expectation.
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#1544969 - 08/04/08 09:39 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Hope,

Honestly, I think there is little wrong from having expecations, we all have them no matter how much we "try" not too. I think the important part is not to tie our happiness to these expecations and don't get angry if they are not met. We are supposed to do things for ourselves and our spouses. When we do things for our spouses we should do them from the heart without the expectation of recieving something in return. I think you have been doing a very good job in this. Recognizing these expectations and how we deal with them really helps level out the rollercoaster.

I think you are right you are a good person and deserve to be treated better. I also think your H has been "trying" quite a bit lately. It is going to take time before this feels normal to him. It is so easy for us to get sensitive to things because we have been trying so hard and it is hard work, that when things start to get better we just want to relax and breathe. Also it is much harder to "Try" when you are tired and hungry.

The first thing I thought when I read your thread was your H was just plain tired and hungry (some people get very grouchy when they are hungry). He had good intentions....he just got worn out. I think you if you put yesterday's events in the perspective of a year ago you probably would have thought your H was just having a grouchy moment and it would pass. Sure it would have hurt your feelings a little bit, but you would have let it slide.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1545020 - 08/04/08 10:21 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
A year ago he would have given me a kiss in greeting when he got home. I don't even know who came thru the door yesterday. I could sense his dislike of me. It hurt.

I know he has been trying. I agree that he had good intentions, and I knew that he would be tired (read hung over). I don't remember if I told you or not, but he did call me on his way out of town on Friday, and told me that he would get home early enough on Sunday to take me and play 9 holes.

I just laughed and told him that I wasn't going to hold him to that, but that I would plan a nice meal for him to come home to. He was happy about that.

I knew that he would be very tired and probably want to rest. I didn't care. That is usually what he does when he comes home from Party Town. I would not have let it slide last year, I would have picked a fight with him. That is the last thing that I would do this year. But it seems that he is the one picking the fight with me.

As far as expectations go, the only one I had was that I didn't expect that he would be mean to me.
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#1545036 - 08/04/08 10:30 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Posts: 1194
((((((((Hope))))))))

Sounds like this is what you need more than anything today, everything will be ok.....you didn't take the fight and did your own thing.....you did well
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1545079 - 08/04/08 10:53 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Loc: Mid-West
Thanks TD, I do need hugs.
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Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1545108 - 08/04/08 11:18 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Posts: 1194
No problem...sometimes I get so focused on the DB thing that I forget sometimes people just need a break from this work and a hug. I just don't want to see you backslide since you have been doing so well.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1545115 - 08/04/08 11:26 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
Neilh23 Offline
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Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 1834
Loc: Western New York
the more i think about it, the more i think this...it's ok to have expectations, but don't let it get you down when they are not met.... ya know?

(((((hugs))))))

us guys like hugs too. :-)
_________________________
ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams


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#1545117 - 08/04/08 11:28 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Neilh23]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
((((((((Neil)))))))

Sorry, couldn't resist buddy....lol (ok...we will tell everyone it is one of those handshake hugs)
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1545119 - 08/04/08 11:30 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
Neilh23 Offline
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Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 1834
Loc: Western New York
Chest bump is better. more manly. LOL
_________________________
ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams


Top
#1545125 - 08/04/08 11:36 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Neilh23]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
Chest bump is better. more manly. LOL


I like that better....particularly if we follow it up with a Tim the Tool Man Tailor "howl".....very manly!
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

Top
#1545128 - 08/04/08 11:38 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
Neilh23 Offline
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Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 1834
Loc: Western New York
OMG. only if the tool time girl is with us. LOL....1hope..you in?
_________________________
ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams


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#1545136 - 08/04/08 11:44 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Neilh23]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
I'm in. How did you know I look just like the tool time girl? \:\)

btw...did you know "Tim" is from Michigan?

((((TD)))) & ((((Neil))))


Edited by 1hope (08/04/08 11:44 AM)
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#1545139 - 08/04/08 11:45 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
1hope Offline
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Loc: Mid-West
Oh, and I prefer the NFL butt pat myself. I think that's very manly. Again, my preference for men in spandex.
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#1545141 - 08/04/08 11:48 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Impressive Hope (or shoudl I say Daisy Fuentes....ohlala....ok I am still a guy)....I did know he was Michigan.

Ok which one of us has to be Al?

<<<<<<Neil>>>>>> (chest thumping) ((((((Hope)))))

PS: Hope, how did your son's NASCAR weekend go. I drove a handful of laps at Lowes Motor Speedway in Charlotte about 5 years ago and it was a blast.
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1545173 - 08/04/08 12:15 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Why don't you take turns? I love a man in a flannel shirt. Over the spandex of course.

My son said that he had a blast. He was paticularly intrigued by the g-force and it's effect on his vision as he came into the first turn at 150mph. Said that his eyesight began to tunnel, and he let off the gas, until he figured out what was happening. Then he nailed it and never backed off. This boy has been driving/riding something since he was 3 years old. He likes MX and circle tracks. His brother is the drag racer, which is more to my taste.

He was given a flag and a nice framed photo standing next to the car in his race gear. Yesterday he was trying to talk his dad into buying a stock car, which he would drive. Hmmmm.
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#1545251 - 08/04/08 01:06 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Sounds like a blast. Did he do the Richard Petty Driving Experience or did he have the whole track to himself. I did the RP thing and they have you follow them at their pace.....160mph on a 1-/2 mile track isn't too shabby but I would have liked to go faster.

I have been trying to groom my Son a little bit by building a racing simulator. He really likes it (even at 3), right now the simulator has been taken apart and I have to wait until the gararge is cleaned out to put it back together....he asks about it all the time (my Daughter too).
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1545310 - 08/04/08 01:39 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
He was racing against 5 co-workers and they had the track to themselves. Michigan International Speedway is a 2 mile track with 18 degree banking and 73 ft wide turns. They were allowed to pass each other and everything. Knowing my son, he would have gone faster than 150, but they had the cars limited down.

Your son and daughter are lucky. I would have loved a simulator at that age. The best I can remember is go-carts.

I have to say, I think the racing hobby is better than the pagent one....jmo. And you know, they say that girls have faster reaction times than boys do.
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#1545333 - 08/04/08 01:49 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Yeah I agree.....every time I mention racing as a hobby for him , my W freaks out. My Daughter mentions my simulator a lot as well. My S is the fastest triccyle driver around.....lol

I would have loved to have been part of that deal your son was in
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1545364 - 08/04/08 02:07 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Well, H just called my office line and when I didn't answer he also called my cell.

I didn't answer and he didn't leave a message. I waited about 30 minutes and then called him from my cell.

He wanted to let me know that the dog was loose in the house. We usually crate him during the day, but I didn't do that before I left and I guess H didn't notice.

He mentioned that he had slept in this morning, and asked where I had gone so early. I told him that I had woken him before I left, and that I left early because I had an early meeting out of town.

He said, "well, you could have told me last night." I said, "there wasn't much talking to you last night." All he said was "oh." So, no fighting there, thank goodness.

Then he told me that he was getting ready to deposit his check (they have been rained out today) and that it was short hours. Hmmmm, yes, he had to leave town early for the golf weekend, for golf last Tuesday and I think a rain day the week before.

All I said was, well, it's better than nothing at all, it is what it is. You will need cash too, so whatever you deposit will do. I know he was surprised I didn't complain.

We hung up, but I called back a minute later and told him that we were out of propane for the grill. If he could take the tank off I would get it filled when I get out of work. He said ok and I said "Thanks!"

So we've had communication. I hope that he doesn't try to bring up a fight tonight.
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#1545368 - 08/04/08 02:10 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Originally Posted By: TwinDad
I would have loved to have been part of that deal your son was in
Yes, I would have liked to try it once as well. He said that his company paid about $600 per person.
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#1545417 - 08/04/08 02:46 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
I remember that I was also very nervous when my H bought our first son his gas ATV at age 5. Prior to that he had a battery one that went at a good clip.

We have always insisted that both boys have on a helmet if they ever start the quad, and S25 had full riding gear including boots at age five. It then got passed down to little brother.

Interestingly enough, both boys have broken bones...but it was on their bicycles.
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#1545421 - 08/04/08 02:48 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
I hope that he doesn't try to bring up a fight tonight.


That is within you control.....


The call seemed pretty neutral...nice 180 on the paycheck as well. He could have started a fight on the phone but didn't.....a good sign
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1545503 - 08/04/08 03:38 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Yes, in fact part of the reason that I didn't answer when he called my office was because I was afraid he would start a fight on the phone. He has before,then just hangs up on me. I couldn't bear the thought of dealing with that today...

I'm taking it as a good sign, and I do feel more in control now. I will not engage. I truly can't take any more stress.

The call did seem neutral. He didn't have to make it at all. The fact that he wanted to let me know about his paycheck tells me that he does care.
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#1545508 - 08/04/08 03:43 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Quote:
I do feel more in control now. I will not engage.


There you go walk with confidence


Quote:
The call did seem neutral. He didn't have to make it at all. The fact that he wanted to let me know about his paycheck tells me that he does care.


You listen well, not by what he said but by the fact he felt the need to say something. The fact that you pulled a 180 on him and didn't create a sitch means he will do more of this in the future
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1545523 - 08/04/08 03:54 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Thanks TD, you have been my savoir today.

I am not happy about the amount of money that he deposited, but I'll make due.

I am so bone tired by the struggle, that I just don't care.

\:\) I used your process and thought, would I rather be broke, or would I rather be married....no contest.

It will be worth it all if we can come through this. It's only money.
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Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1545532 - 08/04/08 03:58 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hey being broke is the American way.....which reminds me, I think I need to apply for some more creidt cards....lol

I hope your evening goes well. I will be installing new appliances tonight.......
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1546186 - 08/05/08 06:24 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
Neilh23 Offline
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Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 1834
Loc: Western New York
HOpe......i would like ot hear that everything went well last nite and the alien did not show up........let us know
_________________________
ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams


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#1546288 - 08/05/08 08:52 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: Neilh23]
1hope Offline
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Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
No Alien last night. Just a tired and worn out H. Covered in poison ivy. Got in to it at work the end of last week and it is coming on like gangbusters now. He gets it every year, but this is the worst that I have seen. I am going to try to get him to see the doc....we will see.

Last night was different. Some fighting, but it seemed more like venting. Issues raised but no real anger. Several good things did happen. He took the propane tank off the grill and took it to have it filled. That was a nice surprise for me since I usually do that and had planned to do it. I told him it was a nice surprise and I thanked him for doing it.

During dinner he started to pick at me. He was not happy that I had left the house last night to go see the kids and he was not happy that I left the house early for work this morning. He also said that I had ruined the good mood he was in when he came home from his weekend Sunday night, by telling him where the burgers he was looking for were in the fridge. He said that I was trying to control him, and that I should have just let him find them himself. Oh brother. I said that I was sorry he felt that way, that I was only trying to help him find something and that next time I would just let him look. He kept on and then started the D talk. I lost it, said something about his EA and then said I thought we had a deal, you wouldn't bring up D and I wouldn't discuss EA. He said "Well, that was only supposed to be for a week." Ech!!! He said that he couldn't understand why I would want him to continue to live unhappy and why I just couldn't be a mature adult and give him a divorce. Back to the same old song and dance.... I don't want a D, if you do and feel that is what direction you need to go feel free. Then he says "But you said you would never give me a D".

Bingo! I don't think he really wants one. If he did, why all this talk about it?????

I feel that he is hurting and angry, and is just lashing out at me. I said something about the fact that he seemed to be angry at everyone, all of the family, and that he also tried to blame on me. He said that I had turned his whole family against him. So not true.

The strange thing is, that all of this discussion and fighting seemed necessary, to get back to where we had been before he left for his trip.

He wanted to watch a movie and have a drink together before we went to bed. He wanted to sleep in the bed, where I made it plain that I would be, and he did not want to sleep on the couch.

I helped make his lunch this morning and he called me honey (a first in forever) and he put his hand on my shoulder when he thanked me.

I see these small progressive signs, and I know that he is trying.

The EA talk by me last night was something that I did in response to his talk about D. I did not make acusations, rather it was talk about how it shook my faith in him and how people are now reacting because of his actions. It is not something that I will bring up again. I truly an losing my anger regarding it, and most of the time feel more forgiveness. I want to keep making progress in that direction.

I had to go for a blood draw last night on my way home from work, and I called to tell him I was stopping to do that before I came home. He said "It's just for your follow up exam right?" First time he has asked any medical related question of me in months! I quickly assured him that it was for our family doctor.

Then, the movie that he wanted me to watch with him last night was a tv movie with Meg Ryan from 2007. Something like About the Land of Women.... it's about Meg Ryan playing a role where she has breast cancer, and it's supposed to take place in Michigan. It was very hard for me to watch without crying at certain parts (the first time she says out loud that she has cancer, when her hair first begins to fall out, where she shaves her head) and he was very uncomfortable about that, in fact, at one point he said "Oh quit being dramatic, it's just a movie". She had a mastectomy, you didn't have that. Then he seemed to soften up and as she had to be hospitalized etc. he said, you didn't have that happen, they didn't have to give you that drug etc. etc. That's good, right? I said yes, it's good.

Over all, I think it was good. I am listening with my eyes and watching with my ears. Not only is he trying, but I think that bits and pieces are coming out, and starging to come together.

Sorry to be so long. What do you guys think?
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#1546344 - 08/05/08 09:41 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope,

He is trying.....he is trying to figure himself out, trying to unload some guilt.

Listen a little to what he is saying. Part of his MLC was really wanting to be independent. He felt he was being controlled by being told where the hamburgers were. Most people would just say thanks....he felt the need to accomplish something. He is going to be sensitive about things like this.....as silly as it may sound to us. The only advice I would give is let him accomplish these things, or at the worse say something like "I'm not sure, want me to look around" Us guys like to do things for our ladies but we don't want to be told how to do it. (i.e. Honey can you grill us some hamburgers is good.......Honey can you grill us up some hamburgers, they are on the top shelf of the refridgerator is bad). I know this is an "over the top case" but he is sensitive to this type of thing.....let him lead...let him accomplish.....it will help repair his self esteem which is pretty low right now (though seems to be improving)

Also he really seems to like being around you lately....which is great. He was upset about you leaving to see your kids on Sunday (he wanted to see you after not seeing you all weekend.....and more importantly to him is that he wanted to know that you wanted to see him.....self esteem thing again). Same deal for the following morning.


I don't thingk he wants a D at all.....if he did why not file. He is grown man he can live on his own. I thought you handled thatpart nicely....basically tellig him he is free to go. In fact if you pushed for a D he would probably get very ugly over it.

Being his friend is starting to pay off for you. He is hurting and angry and is lashing. You have this detachment thing down pretty well. You got a "Honey" out of it, which feels pretty nice.

He is trying, continue to reward good behavior and be his friend
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1546408 - 08/05/08 10:38 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Originally Posted By: TwinDad
Listen a little to what he is saying. Part of his MLC was really wanting to be independent.
I think we wants to feel independent, but I have never met another man that likes being waited on more. He will run me ragged, stepping and fetching, unless I speak up. That's what has been hard for me to distinguish. I felt I was being helpful, and was surprised to find I was controling him.

Quote:
The only advice I would give is let him accomplish these things, or at the worse say something like "I'm not sure, want me to look around"
This is good advice. I will let him ask and quit trying to be so helpful.

Quote:
I know this is an "over the top case" but he is sensitive to this type of thing.....let him lead...let him accomplish.....it will help repair his self esteem which is pretty low right now (though seems to be improving)
I agree. I do see some signs that it is improving, but I wish I could do more to help. I know that the best thing I can do is have patience, and continue being his friend. He does seem to keep reaching out, so that is good.


Quote:
Also he really seems to like being around you lately....which is great. He was upset about you leaving to see your kids on Sunday (he wanted to see you after not seeing you all weekend.....and more importantly to him is that he wanted to know that you wanted to see him.....self esteem thing again). Same deal for the following morning.
I appreciate your take on this... I really didn't see it that way, especially since he was sleeping at both times. What I felt like was he was controlling ME. He was worn out from his party weekend and sleeping it off, and he wanted me to what??? watch him sleep? Last night he said that I need to let him know when I leave the house, and I agreed that I would. Hopefully that will take care of it.


Quote:
I don't thingk he wants a D at all.....if he did why not file. He is grown man he can live on his own. I thought you handled thatpart nicely....basically tellig him he is free to go. In fact if you pushed for a D he would probably get very ugly over it.
I don't think he does either. Even when he has discussed it his thoughts have not been reality based at all. His thought seems to be that I would just "go away" and he would continue on with our house and farm. That would not happen and he does not have the financial standing to take it all over on his own. Our home and land is so much a part of who we are that I cannot ever see either of us agreeing to sell out and move on. Things would have to be pretty bad indeed for that to happen.

I am committed to being his friend. I was able to get an early evening Dr. appt. for him on Thrusday for his poison ivy. I called to pass the info on and he thanked me, saying that he didn't think it was as bad yet as it was going to get and even if it did get better on its own it would be good to have the meds in the house in case I also got it. \:\)

I have to keep focused on those positive things, and not get impatient about the fact that I miss the good things from our old life together.

Baby steps. And faith that eventually our new life will be better than the old R.

How did your new applicances go in last night? Good project?
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#1546427 - 08/05/08 10:48 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
The appliance installaiton went pretty well. I got the refridgerator set up and the over the range microwave installed done. Tonight is the dishwasher and the slide in range. The best part of the evening was my W got up and put away all of the kids clothes that I washed. I can't tell you how much I appreciated this, especially since I had my hands full. She has started to help out a lot more around the house.....it helps \:\)
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1546621 - 08/05/08 12:38 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
I guess we are both grateful for the little things. I can tell you that once I would have fought with him to try and get him to help with "his fair share."

Now I am happy to spend time together without stress and fighting. The housework seems to get done, and I admit that I do 95% of it.

I have changed my perspective on it. I'm thankful that I am alive and feel well enought to do it. The more that I get up and move around the more energy that I have. It makes me feel stronger and more healthy every day.

When I sit down, I ususally fall asleep.
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Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1546706 - 08/05/08 01:15 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
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Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Have a good night tonight
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1546800 - 08/05/08 01:59 PM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
I will, you too.

Tonight is H's golf night. Most of the W's are going over to a "Girlfriends Gold Party / Swim Party. Nothing to buy, just bring your unwanted or broken gold jewelry and the jeweler will give you cash on the spot.

I have a lot of old stuff at home and am looking forward to this. It should be fun for a number of reasons. First is the fact that it is in the 90's and humid today. Second is that I have a new watch picked out at a jewlery shop downtown and will cash in my old gold to get myself a little "birthday gift".

Lastly, the girl that is having the party is the ExW of the now 3x D'd buddy that has been raising havoc with my M.

When they were married they were a very strong part of our couples group, and then the H began to fool around with a single lady that sometimes hung out with us.

None of us liked what was going on, but guess what? The W divorced the "buddy" and later remarried. She lives in the same town, but the buddy has discouraged any of his friends from having anythig to do with his ExW and her new H.

Little by little the other couples have begun to dislike the buddy's girlfriend, and have started doing social things with the ExW (and new H) again.

They golf together on a couples league, and last week they all went back to ExW's new house for a bbq and swim. Of course it got back to the buddy, and he told a couple of the guys that "he didn't appreciated it." Well, he was the one that was cheating, and this isn't 3rd grade....I won't be friends with you if you're friends with her etc. What a hoot!

This will be fun. I have not seen the ExW since I became sick, and all of the golf league W's will be there, but probably not the cheating girlfriend....since she is the one that broke up the hostess's marriage.

I love it when what goes around bad comes around good!

The invitation has been on our fridge for 2 wks, and my H knows that I am going.

If I can get enough cash for my old gold I will be able to buy my watch and H a birthday gift next month. \:\)
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Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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#1547691 - 08/06/08 07:35 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: 1hope]
TwinDad Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 1194
Hope,

Sounds like a pretty fun evening.....hope it goes well for you.

I am sorry to say I don't think I will ever be able to visit your town.......I don't play golf.....lol Girl, It seems like playing golf is a prerequisite for living in that small town. THat is great though even if it is something I could never really get into. Tried it a little bit in college, but then I didn't have the money and patience, plus I was horrible. I couldn't afford to lose a ball a hole....got very expensive....lol
_________________________
TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning

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#1547956 - 08/06/08 11:12 AM Re: Rough Year Continues - 3 [Re: TwinDad]
1hope Offline
Member

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 1677
Loc: Mid-West
Morning TD,

It was a fun evening, and I made enough $$ from my old gold to pay for the new watch that I wanted. Not enough for H's b'day gift thought. Oh well, still have more than a month to think about that anyway.

You don't have to golf to live in our town, but almost everyone does. We are surrounded by nice golf courses and that makes it easier.

I'm not very good myself, but this year have made up my mind to get better. When you aren't a power hitter, like I am not, you don't lose a lot of balls, except to maybe water hazards.

I will be out of my office this afternoon for some offsite "training".

Hope your evening went well and you got the rest of your applicances in.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.
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Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

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