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#1515392 - 07/12/08 09:00 AM WITHDRAWAL/DEPRESSION #3
TRUSTING Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/07
Posts: 2549
Another thread locked, they seem to lock a lot quicker lately.

Thanks for all the encouragement regarding ex making baby steps. My daughter's birthday is on Tuesday. Ex made a comment about how she is with me on her birthday and how disappointed he was with that. I told him that he is more than welcome to hang out at home with us on her birthday. He said, "no, I don't want to come to the house".
_________________________
Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11


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#1515567 - 07/12/08 01:23 PM Re: WITHDRAWAL/DEPRESSION #3 [Re: TRUSTING]
forward Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/06
Posts: 4044
Well, you offered. I guess not pushing it is good right now.

Is this the first time he has expressed that sort of interest in D? My H has not prioritized D first at all. It's all about saving the OW.
_________________________
M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
X has major medical issues
New Woman - died.
Remarried to new guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D


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#1515612 - 07/12/08 02:19 PM Re: WITHDRAWAL/DEPRESSION #3 [Re: forward]
TRUSTING Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/07
Posts: 2549
No, he has always been pretty connected with the kids post bomb. I think his family is really pushing that.
_________________________
Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11


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#1515615 - 07/12/08 02:21 PM Re: WITHDRAWAL/DEPRESSION #3 [Re: TRUSTING]
MissH Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 5375
Loc: NY
Trusting,
Quote:
He said, "no, I don't want to come to the house".
Is your H like my H where he no longer feels comfortable coming to the family home?
_________________________
Me:35, ex: 36
Sons: 9 & 7
Bomb: July, 2006
Divorced 2009

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#1515623 - 07/12/08 02:29 PM Re: WITHDRAWAL/DEPRESSION #3 [Re: MissH]
TRUSTING Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/07
Posts: 2549
Mrs. H,

Absolutely. He now won't even come in the door where before you could not get him to leave.

He almost seems terrified of the house when really he is realizing (very very slowly) what he lost and did. Bring on the shame and guilt....
_________________________
Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11


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#1515626 - 07/12/08 02:32 PM Re: WITHDRAWAL/DEPRESSION #3 [Re: MissH]
still hoping Offline
Member

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 795
Trusting,

My H came back to our home ONCE for 5 minutes. Since we've moved, he hasn't even come by AT ALL. (We've been S 2 years!)

What does that mean?

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#1515635 - 07/12/08 02:40 PM Re: WITHDRAWAL/DEPRESSION #3 [Re: still hoping]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 18797
Loc: Maryland
SH,
It could mean a number of things: 1) he's very deep into replay/depression and it totally into himself; 2) he's looking at the new place as your space and doesn't want to invade it and is not going to come there unless invited, i.e., just like a visitor; 3) he's very much full of guilt and shame and can't face you and your family, so he stays away.

Many of them leave and will not return to the home for many months because the home reminds them of happier times and they do not want to remember those times. Also, home is a place where he felt comfortable and happy, i.e., he doesn't want to feel like he's been pulled back into his former life. They feel suffocated in their former enviornment, or so they think. Don't take it personally. It's just their warped sense of life right now.

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#1515644 - 07/12/08 02:45 PM Re: WITHDRAWAL/DEPRESSION #3 [Re: job]
Treese Offline
Member

Registered: 10/07/07
Posts: 1846
Loc: Ohio
HI Snodderly....

My H has said he doesn't miss our home because it wasnt a happy home...that he's not comfortable here....blah, blah...

I did at that time tell him not to ever say this wasn't a happy home....it most certainly was....that made me mad....

So....if they miss it really...why do they say the other crap..
_________________________
Treese

H 49
M 45
D 23, D17, S12
M 25 T 31
01/07 OW H at my door w/proof
Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07
Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass,
Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9
11/08 pos.paternity





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#1515659 - 07/12/08 02:59 PM Re: WITHDRAWAL/DEPRESSION #3 [Re: Treese]
still hoping Offline
Member

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 795
Snodderly, thank you for your reply. I've been on the boards for a long time and I think that's the first time I've gotten a response from you! I almost always check to see what comments you've made to others when I see your name. Your advice is really valuable around here. \:\)

Our move was very recent, so in about 2 years, he had barely stepped foot into our old home. I tend to think it's more along the lines of guilt and shame. I've asked him to bring S home tomorrow if he can. He's agreed to do it before, then comes up with an excuse not to.

(Thanks Trusting, for the space I'm taking up on your thread!)

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#1515680 - 07/12/08 03:15 PM Re: WITHDRAWAL/DEPRESSION #3 [Re: Treese]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 18797
Loc: Maryland
Treese,
You have to remember that you and your h are viewing your time together very differently right now. What he's feeling are his feelings to own at this time. Yes, you had a good marriage and yes it was a happy home. However, your h is not in the right frame of mind now to look at life the same way you are. He's saying exactly how he feels at this very moment, i.e., tomorrow it could be different, heck it could be different in ten minutes or so. His emotions are driving him right now.

May I offer up a suggestion to you? If he says it again, try this..."h, I'm sorry you feel the way you do, but from my viewpoint it was a happy home." Keep it very plain and simple. If are telling not to say things, he will not open up to you again. You've got to allow them to talk about everything they are feeling. This is what the ow is doing....allowing them to express themselves. None of us want to hear the garbage that comes through those lips of theirs, but sometimes, we have to listen in order for them to take one tiny step forward.

This is a very difficult journey. It's a journey of patience, biting one's tongue and trying to validate the mlcers while they are off the wall. It's also a journey to learn what works and what doesn't. It's a time to learn more about ourselves and strengthen our souls and learn to put our faith and trust in God. This isn't a short trip by any means.

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