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#1508900 - 07/07/08 11:11 PM Onward and Upward - part 4
mishka422 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/07
Posts: 9618
Loc: GA
Gees! Why is it that when you're in the heat of something your thread locks? Good grief! It's like a conspiracy. \:\(

This is the link to my last thread:

Onward and Upward - part 3

At the end of that thread I had posted a possible statement I need to make to H to set a boundary re: the broom. This is what I had said:

Quote:
"H, I request that you please respect my space and my privacy. I ask that you do not bring that woman to my home ever again. If she is with you, please drop her at the end of the street before coming to my house. It was unkind to put her in my line of sight and feels like yet another slap in the face to me. I gave you nearly 19 years of my life with respect, love, and loyalty and I would ask the bare minimum of respect from you."


I agree with Michelle and Lola that the last part of my statement regarding dropping her at the end of the street and all that is definitely angry and will do not good. I do feel I need to put something to him about how it made me feel though. A cut and dry statement of don't bring her to my home again won't have any impact on him whatsoever. He doesn't think before he acts and they only way to get him to seems to be playing to his emotions. Everything I have asked him to do while I'm emotional, he has followed through with. If I ask him something in a polite manner but with no impact of emotion behind it he blows it off.

So, again, how can I "punch up" what I want to say to him without seeming like I'm on the attack?
_________________________
T19 M15 S19 XH46 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!


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#1509013 - 07/08/08 01:01 AM Re: Onward and Upward - part 4 [Re: mishka422]
MichelleLT Offline
Member

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 9848
Loc: Nor Cal, USA
Hey! Glad you started a new thread.

Hmmm..."It was incredibly rude and insensitive of you to bring her to my house. Please respect my space and privacy and do not bring her here again." A LITTLE more to it...but not over the top??? Then if he does ignore your request, you have every right to go a little ballistic and yell!
_________________________
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette
S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09
http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2

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#1509030 - 07/08/08 01:09 AM Re: Onward and Upward - part 4 [Re: MichelleLT]
LolaL Offline
Member

Registered: 05/13/08
Posts: 4715
Loc: Hilton, New York
I agree with Michelle, and could not have worded it better. I also agree with you, Mishka, he does need to know that the behavior is unacceptable. It is disrespectful to you, especially in light of the problems you are going through.

(((Mishka)))
_________________________
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..


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#1509044 - 07/08/08 01:20 AM Re: Onward and Upward - part 4 [Re: LolaL]
Virtually_Handsome Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/06
Posts: 13424
Loc: AZ
(((((Mishka)))))

BUT....

No matter how you word it, I think there is a HUGE probability that he is going to ignore it. He will see it as a control thing, and his passive aggressive nature will kick in. And, in the end, you don't have an "or else" to back it up with. So, think a lot here. Pick your battles. No matter how "right" you are, I'm not sure this is one you can "win". Sorry.
_________________________
Jeff
The poster formerly known as dry_heat

Me-49
D 11/30/09
S12,16,21,22
Current:Wandering Poster 56-Take a step that is new...
Where the Rockettes Play!

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#1509060 - 07/08/08 01:41 AM Re: Onward and Upward - part 4 [Re: Virtually_Handsome]
glamgirl Offline
Member

Registered: 04/28/07
Posts: 3481
Mishka been there done that. Jeff is right. What is the point. Your h will say something like don't tell me what I can and can't do. I wouldn't waste my time. Sorry!
_________________________
Me 50
H 42
S 22
S 9
D 7
M 12
T 17
H moved out 8/2006
H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks
H moved home 5/2011 for good

"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"

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#1509117 - 07/08/08 04:29 AM Re: Onward and Upward - part 4 [Re: glamgirl]
AliSuddenly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/11/08
Posts: 5270
Hi Mishka,

You know what I think! Dont send it. I agree with Jeff. Also, he didnt technically bring her to your house, he was in his car, out in the street, waiting for his son. It must be awful and so painful, I can only imagine...but the reason it hurts so much is because its the reality in front of you that he has an ow right? But he didnt come to your door with her, or bring her into your house, so unfortunately, I dont see that you can tell him he cant do that.

I think the only thing you can do in these situations is talk about yourself or how you feel, you cant tell someone else, do this or that... so for example, if you really really need to say something, you could just tell him how difficult you find it when he collects his son accompanied by ow and that it is upsetting for you. And leave it at that, with no directive as to how or with whom he does collect him! Thats for him to figure out.

Your message feels like an attempt to claw back some control, when really you cant. Unless your 'done' and you dont care how he reacts, in which case, give it to him both barrels!

About the lawyer, sounds like you are rushing things along and again trying to gain a sense of control. If this is something you need to do then I guess it would put you back in control, but sounds like you are still hurting very much and perhaps its not the right time to proceed? Also, if you had sent him that message and then served him, it could look like a vengeful act and that might mean things would degenerate. So I am in favour of waiting until you are not so emotionally churned up?

Ali x
_________________________
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs
IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08
Reconciled 05/09 now married!
my thread

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#1509142 - 07/08/08 06:34 AM Re: Onward and Upward - part 4 [Re: AliSuddenly]
stella_k Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/08
Posts: 898
Hi ((((((((Mishka))))))))),

There is nothing I can add to Ali's post, just a(((((HUG))))).

I agree with everybody, don't send it. If H doesn't feel how insensitive it was, then you shouldn't try and explain it to him.
_________________________
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders
____________________________________________________
M 46
H 45
D 17
M/T 23
Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06
Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07
Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08

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#1509569 - 07/08/08 12:11 PM Re: Onward and Upward - part 4 [Re: stella_k]
MichelleLT Offline
Member

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 9848
Loc: Nor Cal, USA
((((((mishka)))))))

Hope today is infinitely better! \:\)
_________________________
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette
S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09
http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2

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#1509690 - 07/08/08 01:27 PM Re: Onward and Upward - part 4 [Re: MichelleLT]
LolaL Offline
Member

Registered: 05/13/08
Posts: 4715
Loc: Hilton, New York
(((Mishka)))

I have nothing to offer but a hug, and hoping that you are doing better today!!!
_________________________
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..


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#1510094 - 07/08/08 05:00 PM Re: Onward and Upward - part 4 [Re: LolaL]
One Day Offline
Member

Registered: 09/10/07
Posts: 3337
Loc: London UK
(((((mishka)))))

Hope you're OK today. I'm not sure I can add much to the comments about the note. I'd probably drop it into a conversation myself, but as a single sentence with the focus on myself. "I was hurt when I saw OW. Not sure what that means" and leave it at that. I think it'd be an option if you can do it calmly and with no emotion.

L. xx

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