ya, perhaps your inlaws have been distant because of the awkwardness of the whole sitch. If you contacted them, they might be relieved?
and yes, slow and steady wins the race is a great way to look at it!
You are definitely on the right track. Just hearing about H and his attitude and helpfulness at your party is wonderful to hear! That's the stuff I'm talking about. By you changing, he changes. I love how Michelle teaches this.
I agree with pulling back from friends and family. Just partially. Or even just not talking about the sitch with them at all. But I found that it would always get brought up somehow so I just cut all contact for 2-3 months. It helped me stay focussed. and yes, they are too emotionally involved. Plus, it's better that they don't hear all the bad stuff anyways because it will just put a rift between them and your H or put awkwardness between each other.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
woah SMW. totally understand the frustration, and I'll put it to pms.
really, the whole story did not sound bad to me. in regards to H that is. the kids, well, that's another story, but those things happen sometimes and we have to learn to keep our patience, composure, and calmness when dealing with them. Although I know I lose my cool plenty of times! It's hard!!
On H...the only thing I really see that he did "wrong" is just coming thru the door and not saying hi. and really, to me, that doesn't seem very big.
Here's the thing. We have to stop for a moment and realize that just because YOU are offended or upset by something, doesn't mean H would be if the roles were reversed. So he may really have no clue that he's being inconsiderate. I have a feeling, he still feels like he's partly entitled to just open the door and walk in. BUT, if this is something your really bothered by, (not from the pms, but it's something you really don't like) that you should just be direct and ask him pleasantly if he could start knocking on the door and let him know who it is. and then ask, Can you do that for me? thank you, I appreciate it.
On him not talking to you...who knows what he was thinking. he may have not even realized what he did and could have been so focused on getting the kids ready instead. Maybe he was waiting for you to say Hi first, who knows. Also, many times we will find that the WAS will get comfortable and show really good positive things and then the next day they're distant. This happens for many people. I'm not sure that any of us know why for sure, but I imagine that they get scared and because they are still confused, they back off because they are afraid of leading us on, or even falling for us again. They just made this huge decision that they weren't happy with us and that in order to be happy they have to leave us, so anything that proves otherwise really messes with their heads.
This is when we really got to keep ourselves in check. We CAN'T let their change of mood bring us down or affect our own moods. Otherwise we let ourselves in for a setback. Just continue to do what we need to do and their weirdness won't last long.
((SMW))
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
SMW- It sounds like you are doing great! Try not to let H's behavior of the day get to you-- just keep making YOUR day good! As you said, the aliens like to make a switch sometimes!
If I were analyzing your H-- I might say that after such a good weekend, he is afraid you are getting too close and thinks he must pull back and create distance-- that seems to be the popular patter anyways!
Keep doing all the good work!
That is exactly what it seemed like he was doing and other things combined with it to make him even shakier by the end of yesterday. I will post the details in a minute.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
ya, perhaps your inlaws have been distant because of the awkwardness of the whole sitch. If you contacted them, they might be relieved? I am going to call them in the morning and hopefully they will come over. I would love to see them.
and yes, slow and steady wins the race is a great way to look at it!
You are definitely on the right track. Just hearing about H and his attitude and helpfulness at your party is wonderful to hear! That's the stuff I'm talking about. By you changing, he changes. I love how Michelle teaches this. Shame the aliens reinhabited my H on Monday. It is okay, though, I kind of knew to expect it.
I agree with pulling back from friends and family. Just partially. Or even just not talking about the sitch with them at all. But I found that it would always get brought up somehow so I just cut all contact for 2-3 months. It helped me stay focussed. and yes, they are too emotionally involved. Plus, it's better that they don't hear all the bad stuff anyways because it will just put a rift between them and your H or put awkwardness between each other.
Along with the potential of creating a bigger rift, I just do not like alot of what they have to say. Some are havign a hard time accepting what I am doing. They do not understand why I would put in the effort when it would be easier to just quit and move on. I tried explaining that I do not consider my marriage as disposable as a paper towel--use until torn, then toss it out. I see the potential for a reconciliation and creating a new, deeper, loving relationship--with my H.
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
woah SMW. totally understand the frustration, and I'll put it to pms.
really, the whole story did not sound bad to me. in regards to H that is. the kids, well, that's another story, but those things happen sometimes and we have to learn to keep our patience, composure, and calmness when dealing with them. Although I know I lose my cool plenty of times! It's hard!!
On H...the only thing I really see that he did "wrong" is just coming thru the door and not saying hi. and really, to me, that doesn't seem very big.
Here's the thing. We have to stop for a moment and realize that just because YOU are offended or upset by something, doesn't mean H would be if the roles were reversed. So he may really have no clue that he's being inconsiderate. I have a feeling, he still feels like he's partly entitled to just open the door and walk in. BUT, if this is something your really bothered by, (not from the pms, but it's something you really don't like) that you should just be direct and ask him pleasantly if he could start knocking on the door and let him know who it is. and then ask, Can you do that for me? thank you, I appreciate it.
On him not talking to you...who knows what he was thinking. he may have not even realized what he did and could have been so focused on getting the kids ready instead. Maybe he was waiting for you to say Hi first, who knows. Also, many times we will find that the WAS will get comfortable and show really good positive things and then the next day they're distant. This happens for many people. I'm not sure that any of us know why for sure, but I imagine that they get scared and because they are still confused, they back off because they are afraid of leading us on, or even falling for us again. They just made this huge decision that they weren't happy with us and that in order to be happy they have to leave us, so anything that proves otherwise really messes with their heads.
This is when we really got to keep ourselves in check. We CAN'T let their change of mood bring us down or affect our own moods. Otherwise we let ourselves in for a setback. Just continue to do what we need to do and their weirdness won't last long.
((SMW))
I figured that I was probably blowing things out of proportion, that is why I posted my frustrations here for some clarity from others that have BTDT. Thank you for validating me while still giving me other view points to consider.
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
H pulled into the driveway 20 minutes early from visitation. I was surprised. That quickly turned to panic when D8 came running in the hosue to tell me that D5 had gotten burnt at the park. Apparently, there is a pit where people had been dumping out hot charcoal coals and ther was sand over top of it. D% thought it was a sandpit and stuck her hand into the middle of it. H reacted quicky and immediately got ice on her hand.
He also looked like he wanted to beat himself up. My main concern was getting her to the hospital. The blisters were coming up all over her hand ans some areas had already popped and the skin was just hanging there.
We took her to the ER. D5 was screaming and would not calm down unless we both took her. The ER doctor called in the burn trauma team. The burn trauma team examined her and determined she needed to be admitted. The initial diagnosis was partial thickness burns (2nd degree). They coated her hand in silver nitrate, wrapped each finger with gauze, and then wrapped her entire hand. H left as soon as they got her set up for a room and headed back to the house to stay with the other kids overnight. Then, when he left for work this morning, my mom took over.
I stayed overnight at the hospital with D5. First thing this morning, they sedated her and took her in for debridement of the burnt tissue. Thank GOD (and I KNOW it was His grace) her burns were not as severe as initially believed. She does have severe 1st degree burns and some are borderline 2nd, but overall the damage is not near what they thought it would be. Her two middle fingers were blistered from her palm right up to the tip. Because the joints suffered serious burns they are worried about shortening caused by the tight skin. She will have to work with a physical therapist when the bandages come off to re-establish her range of motion.
D5 was released early this afternoon and H picked us up from the hospital. He hung out at the house until almost 7pm. The kids, and espeically D5, were really upset when he left. It took until after 11 to get them settled down. D5 was crying when I out her to bed, wnating to know why her daddy did not love her enough to stay with her. I told her that was not true, Daddy does love her very much, but that Mommy and Daddy have things that need to be worked out and we could not do it living in the same house. She asked if I still loved her Daddy. I told her yes, very much. She said then things would be okay, "in God's time"--her words). Funny thing is, she never asked if her Daddy loved me.
While H was with us today, he was quiet but not in a bad way. We were both exhausted after yesterday and kept dozing off laying on the sofas. Wheb we got home from the hospita, we were both starving, so I made us something to eat. He was nice, thanked me, and we sat and talked with S2 while we ate. Not bback to the comfort level of Sunday, though.
I am sure he is waiting for me to blame him. I do not. It was a mistake ANY child could have made. He was standing right there and the pit was not marked in any way. It could have jsut as easily happened to me. Should I tell him I do not blame him or just let it go? Help on this would be good!
I need to get some sleep. I am still wiped out from the past two days. Night all!~
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
You know, the good thing I see is that when you needed to, the two of you pulled together, and did what needed to be done. And without anyone blaming anyone else. I think that says a lot about both of you!
Hope your daughter mends quickly, that had to be really scary!
We did pull together, it just was not like it has been in the past when something has happened when the kids. Then, we would hold each other's hands, comfort each other with our presence. and give each other the strength to face whatever was happening. I felt so alone at the hospital, despite the fact that he sat right next to me.
He did wonder where I had slept overnight in the hospital. They had those pull out chairs that turn into beds, but D5 wanted me to sleep with her. She is tiny--there was more than enough room for both of us in her bed and the nurses said it was fine.
I think that forced H to reevaluate ME a bit, too. I have lost a lot of weight since the first of the year--like 70 lbs--I do not think the full impact hit him until he realized I was able to comfortably share a hospital bed with D5. Shame it is not looks alone that would bring him running back. I can honestly say that I have not looked better in a LONG time.
I was thinking about randomly asking him out to lunch tomorrow, or taking him lunch out of the blue tomorrow, as I will be right by the base around lunch time. Would that be pushing? This was something I used to do for him when we lived in this area before. I am still having a hard time determining his LL but I am thinking it is Quality Time, based on his comment to the MC about us not spending enought time together. Is this a good idea?
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Sorry about your D. I know what you mean feeling alone in the hospital. I had a similar experience in August. We came back for vacation (with the devil himself, H was a monster) and my D5 had a very bad ear infection she stayed in the hospital for 3 nights. We were both there, but not together. Hope your little one feels better.
No, I don't agree with asking him out yet. It's a bit too early. Let things settle for a while. I know, it sucks, but I think it would be too much for him at the moment. Of course you know him better but if he follows the notorious DAM pattern, it may set you back and you are doing well at the moment. xxx K
Hmmm, I think you could ask him, but it would have to be a "no pressure" ask! Maybe say that you were thinking about eating at XXX, would he like to come along?
And here I was proud of losing almost 10 pounds in the past couple of months! I have a ways to go! Twenty or twenty five more, I think.
