Alright, I am going to go back to where I left off in responses, answer everyone, and then give you the latest update regarding MC, two phone calls, and the graduation.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Well, it looks like I do not really have too much to answer, other than C123's question, and she is going to see her answers in my posts, so I will just leave her in anticipation---sorry C123 :D!!!
Alright, lets start with MC
I have to be honest that I was still nervous about going this week. Right off the bat, I wondered if it was even worth the effort, since H DID NOT bother to even get the book that the MC recommended for us last week. The C asked him why and he said he hadn't had a chance to pick it up and he didn't see the point in reading it, anyway. The C asked if I read it, I said yes, I had. She said there was no point in talking about it, since only two out fo the three of us had read it.
C asked us to describe our early married lif,e since I had a small child when we married. Wanted to know if we took a honeymoon and where, family vacations and where, did we go out together and how often, did we ever go away alone without the kids. That kind of stuff. She asked did we enjoy the trips and going out. H said yes, but that we did not spend enough time alone, especially in Michigan. UHM DUH--we lived in the middle of nowhere, we had a new baby, had no friends or family close by to wach them, and to drive into Detroit or Flint would require leaving our then 15 y/o alone with three kids under the age of 8--one a toddler, one an infant. Neither of us were comfortable with it at that time, but of course now he says we didn't spend enough time together. The C asked him how he would have managed that alone time under the circumstances. H said he did not know, but that we should have done it.
C wanted to know how we got along with each other's families, how our families interacted with each other. We told her that the families were close--attending events together, spending holidays together,. My mom and his parents are very close, my BIL loves his nieces and nephew--we spend a lot of time together when we can. My sister and my closest cousin (love her like a sis) and H get along fabulously, their kids adore him. She asked him what he expected to happen to that extended family. H said he did not think it would change. C asked me if I felt the same. Told her no, that I was already seeing changes. Asked me like what. Told her that H's parents used to call me once a week to check on me, but since H left I have not heard from them. When they came for D5's birthday, they barely spoke to me at all, they were here almost an hour bbefore they talked to me. I did not bring up the fact that cousin wanted H to walk her down the aisle when she got married next summer, but will not ask him now. I did not want to hurt him like that deliberately.
C asked H about OW and her previous marriage--she was in a verbally abusive marriage for 20 years, has 2 kids--16 and 19. Asked him if he had a desire to rescue damsels in distress, or just an affinity for single moms. H said that was not true. C said she was noting a pattern, he was trading on one model for the same one as far as she could tell. I could not keep my mouth shut and said no, the "new" model was actually an older one with more miles. (I, I know--- BAD DB!!) H got defensive, going on and on about how it is not the same, he and OW have a "special connection".
C asked him why he was angry with me. H said as far as he knew, he wasn't, just angry with himself. C asked why, H said cause he never thought for himself, did what everyone else told him.
C asked, but said she was pretty sure whe knew the answer, who handled the finances in our family. I said I had up until H left, then he cut oof my acces to the money, his LES, changed the direct deposit, revoked my power of attorney, and cancelled most of our joint credit cards. C asked H why he did that. H said that he was worried I would do something out of spite. C asked him if that was the case, why didn't he do that right after I found out in February? Said he didn't know. C asked him who advised him to take these actions. H got VERY DEFENSIVE, vehemently stating that he was thinking for himself. C said, really, all of the sudden? H said yes, I make my own decisions--was practically shouting. C said, well I guess we have the answeer to that question.
Will post rest in a minute, this is getting long.
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
C asked us to describe our parents and their marriages. My inlaws have been married 36 years. H said the rarely disagreed, are not outwardly affectionate. C asked if H's mother was nurturing . We both looked at each other and laughed, saying no at the same time. She is very standoffish. C asked if I got along with my inlaws. Told her my FIL and I havea great relationship--or did, but that my MIL and I did not--she has never made me feel welcome. She is the same with my SIL, too, so I no longer take it personally. C asked H if he ot along with his mother. H said he does now, but not when he was a kid. She was not very warm or nurturing. C asked if H thought I was nurturing. H said he never really thought about it. C asked who took care of him when he was sick, when the kids were sick, who did the family call when there were problems to be talked out. H said it was always me, so yeah, he guesses I am a nurturer.
My parents divorced when I was 16--my dad had an A with my mother's cousin. My dad and I are not close--I realized a couple nights ago (the night before MC) that I am still angry with my father--23 years after the fact. I said my father was fun but detached. Kind of like the guy at the party with a lampshade on his head. Fun when he was around and interacted with us, but nothing more than furniture most of the time. H had earlier that he was jsut in our marriage, not involved. Whne I mentioned my dad, C said oh, so you married your dad? I said no I do not think so. She looked at H and asked him if he thought he was like my dad? H quickly began giving all these examples of how he was different---examples that showed him as involved, invested in the marriage and the family. Not as uninvolved as he wanted to think he was.
Several times, the C made him re-evaluate statements he made about himself. She asked us about why we were married in two different ceremonies. We were married by a JOP and then had a huge church wedding several months later. The decision was based on the fact that I was losing my medical insurance and we were worried that my daughter would, too. We had already been engaged a year and deposits were made for the wedding. C asked whose idea it was to get married secretly. I knew, but said I wasn't sure. H quickly spoke up--it was his idea. He wanted to make sure I was taken care of, so we got married when he came home on leave. C looked at him and said--really-- your decision? He said yes. She said, but you said last week that you felt pressured into getting married. How could that be, if you were the one who accelerated the date. H got very quiet. C left it at that, but I am sure her point was not lost on my H--you did love her--enough to make sure she was taken care of when you were not there to do it.
When we left, I asked H if he would read the book, After the Affair, that the C recommended. Said he would, would go pick it up. Told him I knew that money was tight, did he want to borrow mine> Said yes, if it was not a problem and could I bring it to D5's grad. I had it with me and offered it to him then. He took it and said he would read it. Said he would see me the next day at the graduation.
Okay, that gets us through MC. Our next appointment is on the 11th. The C, when we were leaving, told us to be kind to each other.
Another post to cover what happened today, adn everyone will be up to speed.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I know I posted before that the movers lost all of the gascaps to all of the lawn equipment. I never made it to the store last week, so I went digging through more boxes looking for them today. Called H's cell--knew he would not answer--he was in class. Just asked him if he had any other suggestions for where to look or if he knew if I could get replacement caps. I figured I would not hear from him before lunch time.
I am in the process of joining a service organization with the wife of a friend--one of the ushers from our wedding. I called to invite them over for a cookout for D5's grad on Sunday. W reminded me we had a meeting on Tuesday. Usually, I ask my mom to watch the kids so D16 does not have to.
As I was dialing my mom, I thought that maybe I should ask H if he wanted to spend that evening with them instead. When mom answered, I told her my thought. She, of course, thought it was a bad idea--too much visitation, yada yada yada--which was what I figured she would say, but told her I did not think it was a bad idea. I then called my IC and asked her her take on it. She thought it a good idea--H sees me being more generous about the kids and me looking good and GAL--positives all arpund.
H called shortly after that. We talked about the caps. Said he had no ideas, either. I said okay, then I would go check Home Depot. I asked if my card had been cancelled there. H said he did not know. I told him I could check and dropped the subject.
H mentioned he went to pay the rent but the office was closed. Told him that it was due by the fifth and long as they had it before they opened on the 6th it was not a problem. Told him I knew he had everything under control, I was not worried about the bills. He got quiet for a minute, then started telling me about what was going on at school. I let him talk for a bit, just affirming what he was telling me. Told him it sounded like things were going well, that I never doubted he would pick the information up quickly--he always had a knack for that stuff. He said thanks for the vote of confidence.
Told him I had plans for Tuesday. I was going to ask my mom babysit, but was wondering if he would like to spend the evening with the kids instead. H sounded surprised, but quickly accepted and thanked me for the extra time with the kids. I said it was not a problem, I would rather they got to spend the time with their dad than with a sitter. I told him I needed to go, and I would see him later. He said, yes, see you later.
I called to check the card--it was not one that he cancelled when he went on his spree when he left. Called him back, and told him it was still active. I asked if I could use it for the things I needed. I barely finished the sentence, and he was like oh, absolutely. get what I needed and just let him know how much.
Told him I would get the gas caps, a hose (we do not have one), and screening to fix hole that D5 cut in her screen. H said it was fine. I also mentioned a problem with one of the other screens--a high one on the back of the house that the splining was falling out of. Told him I was not sure how I would get to it--I am terrified of heights, but I would think of something.
H offered to look at it when he came over next. Said I would really appreciate it. H said not a problem, and if there was anything else he could help with, to let him know. I thanked him for the offer, and said I needed to get off the phone. He sounded disappointed and said, okay, well take care, and I will see you later.
TWO phone calls, both with positive conversations and opportunities for me to be affirming and slightly more open. It just felt like it was the right thing to do at the time. He responded well, so I guess it was okay. I also felt like he needed to know that I was trusting him to take care of our finances, and by extension, the kids and me.
Graduation ceremony post next.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I am getting tired typing. I need to get rest as I have to be all pulled together before H gets here at 10 to pick up kids. I'll post about graduation in the morning--after the kids leave.
Thanks for listening to me and reading all of my babble. I cannot begin to tell everyone how much I appreciate their input.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
SMW- Sounds like you are doing good on the keeping quiet! that is really tough but it seems to get positive results for a lot of people--
I just had a thought reading about H's visitation-- would it be possible to let him use the house for one of those dinners or on Sat.? and for you to go out? that might be a good time for you to do some GAL activities for yourself.... and leave H wondering what fun you were out having!
I actually did that a couple of times back in December & January before he left for school. He expected me to stay home but I used that time to take my laptop to the bookstore and do some design work. I dressed nicely and he seemed confused. But it was all good. Sometimes, when I didn't feel like going out, I would turn my room into a retreat. I'd lock the door, put on some jazz, light candles, take a bubble bath, do some reading or writing, call friends, etc. The rule was that my room was off limits to the rest of the family. Once he came up to ask me a question, took one look around the room, got "that" look on his face and I had to remind him that all that wasn't for him, it was for me and to state his business and go (I said it nicely, but that was the gist of it).
Wow, I haven't finished reading all of the MC recap yet but am blown away at how much it sounds like I am reading my own story especially the thing about the finances and what he did and why, etc. whoa.
I think you didn't need to call him the second time, but that's okay. the convo was good and you were to one to hang up, so that's good.
if H doesn't get the book again, I wouldn't say anything about it. don't even ask if he got it or read it. Let the C be the one to "punish" him.
hey, do you know what his 5LLs are???
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
H was a tteh school when we got there. D5 had the largest group in attendance--we took up an entire row! H was pleasant to everyone. I had tears in my eyes when my little princess walked in in her tiny cap and gown. H saw and smiled at me.
Afterwards, at the little reception, we all took pictures with D5. We have some with me and her ,ad nsome with her dad and her. My sis asked could we get one of family and H readily agreed. H hung around a bit, helped put the kids in the car, gave them all a hug and a kiss, and then stood talking to me for a minute about the cookout I am having Sunday. Said I really could not talk--needed to get the kids some dinner (decided not to invite H, despite my wanting to) but that I would see him the next day.
When I got in the car, D16 and her friend said they really thought H was going to give me a hug, but just could not do it. I wish! He hugs with his whole self--even though he is thinner than I am, I always felt enveloped and secure when he hugged me.
H waited til we pulled out and waved goodbye before heading to his car.
Visitation and my GAL for today will need another post. Be back in a bit with it.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
