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#1457303 - 05/25/08 01:31 PM Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk?
StrgMarvelousWmn Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 4045
Loc: Virginia
Could not resist the Navy reference!

Here is the locked thread--
Thread 1

WOW! My thread locked up really really fast!

We are getting ready to head out to a church service in the park and a picnic after it. I really wanted to invite H, but, as my astute friends here pointed out, right now would not be a good time for me to initiate family activities. Perhaps the kids will ask him to go to the beach with us tomorrow and he will accept.

I am looking for some suggestions of good books on communication. I know this has been a big issue for the two of us and I want to start getting a handle on this area so I can try to open those doors.
_________________________
M40/H36
T16/M14
4K
B2/08
S4/08
current

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through
every circumstance.
I Corinthians 13:7




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#1458162 - 05/26/08 08:20 PM Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? [Re: StrgMarvelousWmn]
Kalni Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 10261
Hi SMW,

I am sorry if the links I posted got you emotional. None of us needs the extra emotion at this time. I read your first thread (quickly but all of it). I felt I had to tell you are doing great. I mean it. Granted all the emotions/difficulties/reality you sound like you are so much in control. I hope your H will come around as soon as possible (which is late anyway).

Take care
K
_________________________
Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009

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#1458333 - 05/27/08 01:25 AM Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? [Re: Kalni]
StrgMarvelousWmn Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 4045
Loc: Virginia
Well, my H has finally hurt the kids, but I have to be honest, I am concerned, too.

H did not call them yesterday and did not show up for visitation today. I tried to call his cell, but it went to voicemail. I left a message and took the kids out to my sister's for a cookout. He never called this evening, either. No missed calls, nothing. This is really not like him to do this and even my sister, as mad at him as she is, is also concerned.

If I do not hear anything tomorrow, I am going to call my inlaws and see if they have heard from him.

The kids are angry. H is supposed to have them this coming weekend. D8 asked if the water temperature was good could we go to the beach on Saturday. I reminded her taht it was Daddy's day, but maybe he would take her. In an incredibly nasty tone of voice she said, "yeah right, if he even showqs up." What am I supposed to say to something like that? I said well maybe he had to work or something. D16 mumbled under her breath for me not to cover up for him, to let them get mad at him. I am beginning to think she may be right. I just do not know.

But we had a good time at my sister's and the kids were exhausted when we got home. All are in bed and hopefully they will stay there with no bad dreams or night terrors.

I feel like Scarlett O'Hara--Tomorrow is another day.

SMW
_________________________
M40/H36
T16/M14
4K
B2/08
S4/08
current

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through
every circumstance.
I Corinthians 13:7




Top
#1459683 - 05/28/08 02:12 AM Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? [Re: StrgMarvelousWmn]
lovnlrn Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 160
Loc: NC
I hope for the kids' sake that he has a good excuse. I've talked to grown folk who say that that was one of the most upsetting things when they were kids and their parents divorced: not having the parent show up.

I'm glad you had a "back-up plan" in something that the kids enjoyed.
_________________________
Jeannette

To Hope or Not to Hope?
Joyful in Hope

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#1459724 - 05/28/08 02:45 AM Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? [Re: lovnlrn]
StrgMarvelousWmn Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 4045
Loc: Virginia
Well, H did not call during the time that he normally does this evening, either. HE usually calls the kids between 7 and 7:30. By 7:40, I have to admit that I was starting to get frantic that something had happened to him. This was compounded by the fact that I talked to my SIL, who spent the weekend at H's parents and he was not down there, either.

I called my FIL to see if anyone had talked to him recently. FIL said he had not talked to him since Weds or Thurs. Now I am really starting to panic, as the last time I talked to him was Saturday around 10 p.m. and the kids had not talked to him since Friday evening.

FIL offered to call H's phone when I told him that I had tried calling yesterday with no return call and I felt like he was avoiding taking calls from me--you know the big three I have made in a month, all having to do with something with the kids--money or visitation. The next ten minutes were nerve racking when suddenly the phone rang and it was H. Wanted to know if I had just called him? Said he did not check the call but when he saw the time thought it might have been me. I said no, it was probably his dad calling because I was worried about him. Asked why I didn't call if I was worried, told him I felt like I was bothering him if I called. Said no that was not the case. He went out of town over the weekend and did not get back in time for visitation and admits it was his mistake to not call and let them know he was not coming to get them. Apologized to all the kids when he talked to them. D8 is still PO'ed though.

We talked for about 15-20 minutes after he talked to the kids. H had a dental appointment today and the tooth would not numb, they had to give him pain medicine afterwards and he fell asleep when he got to where he is staying. He said he set his phone alarm but did not hear it.

Asked him what happeend on Monday. Said he was out of town and he should have called. I told him that the kids were devastated that he did not show, that D8 gave up plans for a pool party so she could be with him. Told him the kids deserved better or was he to the point that he just did not care what they wanted, only him? Said it was not what I was thinking and that he really felt bad about it.

Said he would be here tomorrow to pick them up for visitation. Is planning on going to D5's preschool grad on Friday. Reminded me about MC appointment on Thursday. Still do not know how he is going to handle a 10 hour visitation on Saturday when he reallyhas no place to take them. How is S2 going to take his nap?? I know it is not my problem, but then again, I guess it kind of is.

He talked to me about the probs at the dentist's office, told me some of what is going on at the class he is taking, and was friendlier on the phone. Mentioned a problem associated with when his wisdom teeth were taken out and seemed surprised that I remeber when it was done (we were only dating, not yet engaged). As I was getting off the phone (I ended it first) I told him I hope he feels better, to try eating some soup or something mushy. H told me he would see mwe tomorrow and to take care of myself.

I don't know what the heck is going on, but am so glad the pleasant person is back right now. Friend suggested maybe he ended it with her and went off with his Navy Buddies to drink himself into stupotr. I do not know and I will not hope at it. I will just continue to pray for God's guidance and intervention.

SMW
_________________________
M40/H36
T16/M14
4K
B2/08
S4/08
current

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through
every circumstance.
I Corinthians 13:7




Top
#1459728 - 05/28/08 02:48 AM Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? [Re: StrgMarvelousWmn]
StrgMarvelousWmn Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 4045
Loc: Virginia
I admit, the first thought that went through my mind when he said he was out of town was that he flew up to see the OW. I am sure he knows that is what I was thinking, too, and that isd why he made the commen that it was not what I was thinking. I guess this is one of those things that I need to leave alone until MC, huh?

SMW
_________________________
M40/H36
T16/M14
4K
B2/08
S4/08
current

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through
every circumstance.
I Corinthians 13:7




Top
#1459800 - 05/28/08 03:39 AM Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? [Re: StrgMarvelousWmn]
lovnlrn Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 160
Loc: NC
I understand where you are coming from. My H had told the kids (1st wknd in May when he was here for the baby's birthday) that he would be back for Memorial wknd because it was a 4-day wknd for him. But when earlier that week, he said he had duty on Sunday and no gas in the car. "Uh-huh, yeah, bet you need to stay close by so your 'simple' girlfriend can come to visit" (she lives in the neighboring state to where his school is)...that's what I was THINKING but didn't say.

That's okay. Sounds like both you and I made sure that our kiddos had a good weekend and we took care of them while their fathers pretended they didn't have to. lol
_________________________
Jeannette

To Hope or Not to Hope?
Joyful in Hope

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#1460277 - 05/28/08 05:05 PM Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? [Re: lovnlrn]
StrgMarvelousWmn Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 4045
Loc: Virginia
Talked to FIL this morning. H called him after he called the kids last night.

H asked him, too, why he was calling looking for me if I was the one worried? FIL said he was concerned, too, especially when H missed visitation--same thing FIL told me when I called him yesterday. FIL did not discuss that part of their conversation, but wanted me to know the following part.

H said to FIL that I only call if it is about the kids--money, school, whatever. FIL said to him, but isn't that what you wanted when you decided to leave? H said, well, I thought I did, but maybe not. FIL dropped the subject, not wanting to push it and to leave H thinking about it.

FIL told me to keep my chin up and keep staying quiet. IT is forcing H tocreally think about things. Since I am a talker this has been difficult, but at least I have you guys to talk to!

SMW
_________________________
M40/H36
T16/M14
4K
B2/08
S4/08
current

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through
every circumstance.
I Corinthians 13:7




Top
#1460670 - 05/28/08 09:55 PM Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? [Re: StrgMarvelousWmn]
StrgMarvelousWmn Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 4045
Loc: Virginia
Alright, H was here a few minutes early to pick up the kids. S2 had just woke up, so we were not quite ready to go.

He asked me how much the one little pizza buffet place is. I told him I was not sure, but not more than $15-20 for all of them and D8 had a free meal coupon for perfect attendance if he wanted to use it. Seemed grasteful. I know he has been diverting almost all of the money left after bills to me so I have it for the kids' needs and things are tight for him. On his pay, we could NEVER sustain two households. I am also not looking to go to work in the near future--I am still in school fulltime and I will not go back to work until I am able to have S2 in kindergarten--as this is what H and I had agreed on.

I guess he is finally starting to understand the financial ramifications of a separation and divorce. If he was home, he would not need to feed the kids dinner twice a week. If he was home, he wouldnot need to figure out how to amuse three kids cheaply for 10 hours on a Saturday. He does not have someplace that he can really take them for naps. He cannot take them overnight because he has no place for them to sleep.

Now, if I could jsut get him to understand the emotional and mental damage he is doing to the kids. They are all acting out in various ways in reaction to his not being here. Maybe I should bring that up in MC this week?

For that matter, what do I talk about in MC? Do I let him take the lead? I am guessing the MC will have a course of action based on last week.

Off to do some school work until the kids get home at 7:30.

SMW
_________________________
M40/H36
T16/M14
4K
B2/08
S4/08
current

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through
every circumstance.
I Corinthians 13:7




Top
#1460794 - 05/29/08 12:27 AM Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? [Re: StrgMarvelousWmn]
lovnlrn Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 160
Loc: NC
I'm glad I checked in on your thread just now. I've been having these "epiphanies" today about my part in things and was thinking about leaving a voice message on H's phone (he's in class right now).

When I read about what your FIL said about keeping quiet, I realized that that is what I need to continue doing. I am a woman of many words so keeping quiet or holding things in is definitely not my forte. Knowing that it is difficult for you and that you are doing it (& hearing that it seems to be working :-) ), encourages me to follow suit.
_________________________
Jeannette

To Hope or Not to Hope?
Joyful in Hope

Top
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