Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,978
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,978
We talk of things as we see them, and if we aren't detached from the process [and it is HARD to be really detached] then their words and deeds hurt us a lot. Our reaction is to call them the name that their actions seem to justify.

And that is OK, but it is better if we can to move beyond that, not to force ourselves, but to open ourselves up to the possiblity of moving forward and away form their ugliness, recognise their hurt and pain, and try and think of them at all times in a kindly way. It is REALLY hard, especially when they are doing the most horrible and hurtful things.

But we need to do it for ourselves. It isn't walking around with a silly sweet forgiving grin pasted on your face, but more a sincere letting go of the hurt.

The person my h was would never have done these things, and they are hurtful, but somehow, if we are to heal we HAVE tomove beyond the hurt. It is a huge challenge. If it helps us at one stage to call our h by the name he 'deserves' for his actions, Ok,I guess, but we need to strive always to move beyond the hurt and be the MUCH bigger person. It is a goal, and one that I often do not achieve. After all do we forgive only those people who say they are sorry?

Does this make sense?

A

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 7,791
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 7,791
perfect sense ! ;\)


Love Cinders xxx

"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus

http://miesblogspot.blogspot.com/
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,549
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,549
My son informed me yesterday that ex will leave the house for hours at a time now and no one will no where he is at, including OW. Son stated he does not spend us much time with her or him anymore.


Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11

Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 6,634
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 6,634
And what do you think this might mean?

Could there be another OW?

Or could he be off contemplating his lifes work?


Change the Policy.
Allow PM's
Free all of us.

Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!

:-)
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,666
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,666
hmmm or is he cycling in the "wtf" zone.

Who knows.

Angelica you hit it on the head. PERRRRRRRFECT. I asked my friend last night - when will i be happy again..she looked lovingly at me and said "i dont know.." then i said i am so tired of wondering about him....she said yep you need to "not care."

To move forward BEYOND the hurt is to not want to "obsess..." however I have had a hard time with that lately. Trusting ou did great...we are all doing the best we can. I still can't believe this -- it is so d** hard.


M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06
Moved out 3/12/07
D final 7/30/2008
finding myself again


Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,549
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,549
If I had to guess, I think my ex is very depressed. I don't think he has another other woman. Who knows though. I really don't try to think that much about it.

I do know that he is miserable and feels lost.


Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,071
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,071
Trusting, It's hard to love unconditionally, isn't it?

I have done my best.


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
T
They are miserable, so wonder why cant they figure it out
It isnt us..it is them
the pain can only have to do with them
then you wonder..dont they have to grieve the M just like we did?
do they just walk away free b/c they have a new R
or is there a time they are feeling the loss too
She will be next to go
peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,549
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,549
I have often wondered if they grieve the marriage. Is this what they do at the beginning of the MLC or is it what they do near the end?

It is hard to love unconditionally. It is constantly a challenge to stay focused on this.

This is such a very long road, and a heart wrenching one at that.


Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11

Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,481
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,481
Trusting you are doing good vent here. I just know that if I have negative thoughts of h they play out in my interactions with h. I don't want that.

It also keeps me from moving forward if I am stuck on what he did. I just need to focus on the positives regardless of what my h did or did not do. That is all.

Your h sounds depressed. Now is the time to be his friend. I am not sure what your interactions are like with your h, but I would be super friendly. Like hi h how are you today. Your new hair cut looks good on you. I was going to target, Khols, walmart etc this week do you need me to pick anything up for you.

I was shopping at Khols today and picked up this shirt for you. I thought you might like it.

I would change it up, if your h isn't spending time with ow that is an excellent sign. I would try new ways of interacting with h for at least 6-8 weeks and see what happens.

It's not what you don't do but what you do!


Me 50
H 42
S 22
S 9
D 7
M 12
T 17
H moved out 8/2006
H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks
H moved home 5/2011 for good

"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard