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#1442211 - 05/10/08 11:48 PM Never knew heartbreak hurt this bad
StrgMarvelousWmn Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 4045
Loc: Virginia
I am not sure how to even write about all of this. Whenever I start to write things down the whole situation becomes more painful—kind of like ripping bandages off a still open wound, you know? I am sure that there will be many tears shed in the re-telling, as I feel them welling behind my eyes even now. I am going to break this out into a few posts so that things do not get too long and too much to read all in one block. I will also post in Newcomers and the infidelity forums. See, I have been watching and learning over the past couple of weeks.

First about us. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, together for almost 15, and have known each other almost 16. My husband is 4 ½ years younger than me and was just shy of his 19th birthday when we met. He had never had a serious girlfriend, never had any type of sexual encounter prior to the two of us getting together.

We have three children together and I have a daughter from a previous relationship. She was only 10 months old when we met, just turned three when we were married. As far as she is concerned, in all but genetics, my husband IS her dad. Unfortunately, right now she hates him—and yes she has said hate.

My husband is active duty military and we were finishing up a tour of duty in Michigan that was slated to end in December when we decided to go ahead and move myself and the kids to our next duty station back in Virginia. Our goal was to keep them from having to change schools in the middle of the year again. Unfortunately, in October the military changed my husband’s orders and he would not be able to join us until March. With everything that has happened since, I am of course blaming myself for proposing the move in the first place.

In February, a mere four hours after making plane reservations to fly up to Michigan to spend a weekend together and drive him home to his family, I accidentally opened the wrong AOL account to find dormant instant messages sent to my husband from another woman. In them she professed love, wanted him to hold her all night long, and asked him to run away with her. When I finally reached my husband via cell phone the next morning, he admitted to the affair and told me it had been going on since the beginning of December. He had flown to be with the kids and me for Christmas, he and I spent special time at a hotel together, and yet he had been having an affair for almost a month. He told me he loved her and ML with me during the holidays had left him feeling empty in side. I asked him what his plans were and he said to come home and be a family, and that had been his plans even before I found out—he had hoped I never would find out.

More to come in another post.
_________________________
M40/H36
T16/M14
4K
B2/08
S4/08
current

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through
every circumstance.
I Corinthians 13:7




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#1442255 - 05/11/08 01:07 AM Re: Never knew heartbreak hurt this bad [Re: StrgMarvelousWmn]
smartcookie Offline
Member

Registered: 05/04/08
Posts: 2978
I'm sorry that you're going through all that. I'm glad you found this site, I hope it becomes a place of support & encouragement for you as it has for me.
_________________________
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months
4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10
I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.

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#1442261 - 05/11/08 01:34 AM Re: Never knew heartbreak hurt this bad [Re: smartcookie]
StrgMarvelousWmn Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 4045
Loc: Virginia
I am typing this in word so I can edit it and try to keep it mildly coherent, so please bear with me while I get it all out here. It will probably take me anotehr two posts or so to get up to speed.

part 2--

The next month was a daily series of text messages, emails, and phone calls. He said he would go to counseling, wanted to find a way to work things out for the kids’ sake. He was still seeing her, was practically living at her house the whole time, though. I found pictures of her online through her email profile. I was shocked! She is 10 years older than I am, 15 years older than him. She is also not very attractive. They worked together in Michigan—she is a civilian that works at the recruit processing center.

Slowly, some of the smaller details came out. He told me of some things that made him unhappy, but nothing that could not have been fixed over the years—if he had said something. He avoids conflicts and did not want to get in a fight “over something stupid.” Things like I asked him to do to much around the house, said he felt like I only needed him around because he made my life easier, he was not happy about how I dealt with disciplining the kids. Tells me he thinks he was too young when we married, he had no idea what love really was, he never loved me but did not know it until he met her. WTF??? It took him 13 years, 4 kids, and sleeping with someone else to figure that out??

When I got to Michigan, the first thing I noticed was his wedding ring was off. He told me he did not deserve to wear it. I told him that that was not his decision to make, but mine, since I was the one that gave him the ring. He told me that he was already missing her, that he did not know how he could end all contact. There was nothing physical between us—as much as I still love him, I could not bear the thought of him touching me then and apparently he was still feeling numb over the Christmas episodes. I told him that I would not tolerate him calling her from the house. Guess I should have been more specific about that one, since once we got home he began emailing her instead.
_________________________
M40/H36
T16/M14
4K
B2/08
S4/08
current

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through
every circumstance.
I Corinthians 13:7




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#1442283 - 05/11/08 02:05 AM Re: Never knew heartbreak hurt this bad [Re: StrgMarvelousWmn]
Tia Offline

Member

Registered: 03/11/99
Posts: 4748
Loc: Hawai'i
Dear SMW:

Ahhh...I'm sorry about this. Hugs {{{SMW}}}. Do not lose hope! You have every right to cry, scream, and vent. But, for the long haul, tell me your goal? If you want to save your marriage, please use this site for support, AND to develop solutions. Michele Weiner-Davis is our host, author of Divorce Remedy. I highly recommend this book. In the meantime, gather all the tidbits of info. that you can find here.

Please keep on visiting,
/Tia

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#1442487 - 05/11/08 01:29 PM Re: Never knew heartbreak hurt this bad [Re: Tia]
StrgMarvelousWmn Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 4045
Loc: Virginia
Tia--

My goal is to save my marriage--but not the marriage I had before, since obviously only one of us was happy in that one. There is still more to come in my story and I hope everyone can bear with me while I get it all posted. I am a full-time college student, babysit my 7 month old great-nephew, and am also a SAHM for four children of my own ages 16, 8, 5, and 2. I type what I can when I can.

Right now, the kids are at grandma's while I get a mental break to regroup after the emotional pain of waking up for the first Mother's Day in 14 years that I did not recieve so much as a card or a hug from my husband. My mom knew I really just needed some time to regroup and pull myself back together. I do not know what I would do without her, the rest of my family, and my friends. Some days are so hard to make it through.

I am reading Divorce Remedy for the third time. I read everything I can possibly get my hands on. My cousin and my sister keep telling me to let go it is over, but I just do not feel like it is.
_________________________
M40/H36
T16/M14
4K
B2/08
S4/08
current

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through
every circumstance.
I Corinthians 13:7




Top
#1443456 - 05/12/08 04:43 PM Re: Never knew heartbreak hurt this bad [Re: StrgMarvelousWmn]
StrgMarvelousWmn Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 4045
Loc: Virginia
next installment--

When we got home, we were sharing the same bedroom and bed. We were supposed to attend a marriage weekend together the following weekend, but he decided at the last minute that he would not go to it. He said he was going to pursue IC so that we were both in the right frame of mind for MC. The first one was three days after we got home and that evening he took our two youngest kids to his parents for a visit—previously decided upon. He brought them back the next day, helped put them to bed and proceeded to take off again to visit an old high school friend who lives 5 hours away—two days before my birthday. He did not forget to get me a birthday present but it was as impersonal as possible—a new purse. I guess he forgot that he bought me a beautiful one for Christmas that I loved. He did not come back until Sunday but did instant message me on Friday and Saturday while he was gone. When we “talked” Saturday, he told me that he did think we could find a way to work things out but that it would never be the same as before. DUH!!! Why would I want it to be the same, if he was supposedly so unhappy?

He came back on Sunday and things were a little tense, but we kept falling into a lot of the old routines with regards to the kids. He had always taken the lead on baths and bedtime, since it was the only real time he got with them at our last duty assignment. We both had IC appointments that week—his on Friday. My IC has been supportive, but to be honest not much more. She does not offer solutions—just a place to vent. I am considering finding a new counselor. He saw his on Friday. I did not ask about it, but later that night he told me that he did not ever want to go to MC, that he did not see the point, since his feelings were never going to change. Supposedly, his IC told him that he needed to be honest with me about his feelings. I wonder, though, if he has been completely honest with his IC? He also decided that he no longer needed IC, he does not have any problems. Told me he would stay together for now for the kids but that he was going to continue to call her and contact her.
_________________________
M40/H36
T16/M14
4K
B2/08
S4/08
current

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through
every circumstance.
I Corinthians 13:7




Top
#1443459 - 05/12/08 04:45 PM Re: Never knew heartbreak hurt this bad [Re: StrgMarvelousWmn]
StrgMarvelousWmn Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 4045
Loc: Virginia
By the time I got back from Michigan, our oldest knew what was going on and she is furious with her father (well, step-father, but that is a different story). I did not know how bad it was until she started cutting school because she was so upset. I ended up moving her to my mother’s house until we could get HER into counseling. We had a family counseling session with her the first Monday in April and it was a complete mess. Our daughter told him that she had no respect left for him, that she hated him ,and that she could not understand how he could do this to her mother—that I deserved better that I do everything for everyone, never asking for anything in return. My husband refused to talk except to confirm for the counselor that he would not go to MC, even after she told him that our daughter’s anger was tied to his unwillingness to work on things. I was so mad by the time we left I could have spit nails. I would not talk to him the rest of the afternoon, left to take oldest shopping for something she needed, then went to a friend’s house, where I became good friends with Jose’ Cuervo and OJ—finishing half a quart by myself.

I honestly think I was looking for the courage to do what I eventually did that night. I asked him to leave the house. I had also discovered that he was calling the OW from his cell phone with the kids in the car with him, despite the fact that I had asked him not to do it. I told him that if he was not willing to protect our kids, I would, that I was not going to allow him to continue to disrespect me and the life we had built together for the last 13 years. It was a huge shouting match that just got uglier and uglier by the minute. He eventually left, but came right over after work the next day. Said he was still not willing to talk about things, so I told him he could not come back into the house. Also told him that he had to tell the kids that he was not coming back home. Told them that he could not get along with mommy right now and he needed to go away for a while. Called the next day to come over again after work to pick up a couple of things, told him he had to wait until after dinner.

Came over that night and asked me to go to counseling so we could learn how to talk things out. Told him that that would be marriage counseling—he insisted no, he would NOT talk about the R. Told him that since apparently that is where our communication problems lie, that I did not know how we could avoid it. He said that he would not go if the R would be discussed. Told him that was his decision. I also told him that his family is here, but that he cannot expect me to wait forever. Two days later, he redirected the direct deposit and cancelled the credit cards that I was an authorized user on. Told me he was just trying to take over financial things and that he thought I would be happy to get rid of the headache. The only problem was, he did it all behind my back and I found out when I tried to access some information that I needed for my college financial aid. If he would have been open and honest about it, I would have been more than happy to give him everything he needed.
_________________________
M40/H36
T16/M14
4K
B2/08
S4/08
current

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through
every circumstance.
I Corinthians 13:7




Top
#1443462 - 05/12/08 04:46 PM Re: Never knew heartbreak hurt this bad [Re: StrgMarvelousWmn]
StrgMarvelousWmn Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 4045
Loc: Virginia
I know that all of this is really taking a while to get out, but I hope everyone can bear with me. I have not really written anything down or gotten into the nitty gritty of all of this. I am actually seeing alot of my mistakes while I am typing. I know that I was doing a disservice to my self and the kids by lettign it go on like it did at the beginning, I jsut hope I am starting to get it right now.

I will be back later tonight or tomorrow with more. I only have anotehr three weeks to go through to get up to speed.


Edited by sadmilitarywife (05/12/08 04:47 PM)
_________________________
M40/H36
T16/M14
4K
B2/08
S4/08
current

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through
every circumstance.
I Corinthians 13:7




Top
#1443477 - 05/12/08 04:57 PM Re: Never knew heartbreak hurt this bad [Re: StrgMarvelousWmn]
Phoenixdeux Offline
Member

Registered: 01/13/05
Posts: 1948
Loc: ND
Maybe I'm behind, since you have a couple more weeks to write, but so far you are doing okay. You sound strong, which is good. No groveling, begging, or appearing as though you can't live without him.

From what you've written thus far (and maybe you've changed approaches), I think that you should tone down the relationship talks and pushing for any marriage counseling. Try to change your mindset. You are thinking about what he's doing; now try thinking about what you are going to do, regardless of how this works out. Be the best you can possibly be, for yourself; make the most of your life; enjoy your kids more. Have some fun. Look good. Smell good. Dress up because you feel like it. Do things you've always wanted to, but never did. Let him see that you are not only capable of surviving, but thriving as well. Let him wonder why you are doing so well.
_________________________
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer

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#1443495 - 05/12/08 05:07 PM Re: Never knew heartbreak hurt this bad [Re: Phoenixdeux]
saffie Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/07
Posts: 6274
Loc: England, UK
Just want you to know you are not alone and I am reading along. I won't pass comment until you have finished typing your story.
_________________________
Saffie
me 46
H 46
M in 1986
D20,D18,S16,D13
H's A 01/05 to 07/06
H recommitted to M 07/06
renewed vows 09/06
Going from strength to strength

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