just finished reading all of your threads and the last one really brought tears to my eyes as that is where me and w are now. db says that that honeymoon period kind of dies out after a while. probably good. dont get too alarmed.
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
Good advice above, on not forgetting about the GAL activities.
I am concentrating on that now.
I am also trying to be aware of giving her space when we are together in the house. I go to the sun room to read, go outside to wash my Jeep, or else go play my guitar in the music room for an hour or so. I don't tell her where I'm going, I just go.
Another thing to remember is to keep being the same way I was when W was gone. That got us to this point. I can't relax my diligence, or else I might slip back into my old ways. To this end, I make the bed every day, I do my own laundry, I load and empty the dishwasher. All things she used to do. Doing these things reminds her of how self-sufficient I became when she was gone. I know she likes that, she told me so a couple weeks ago.
We had a very nice weekend, but yesterday we had a mini-R talk, and she told me she still feels a "void" in our relationship, but she doesn't know what it is. She has no idea what she thinks she's missing, just that it "feels" like something is. I just nod and tell her that I understand...this will take time, there's no rush.
She thinks I am being very patient with her, and that I am treating her better than she deserves...I am being "really accommodating to her" in her words.
That is actually not true...I am just "acting as if". I am being aware of what my shortcomings were when she lost interest, and trying to change those behaviours permanently.
One thing I am keeping an eye on is intimacy. We are not doing it like we were when we hooked up while apart. I know there was a desperation on both our parts back then, and we are a bit more secure now...like I said, I'm just watching the dynamic.
Anyway...there's my latest report from the "Piecing Trenches"!
I was just about to suggest that you look into scheduling a Retrouvaille weekend when I turned back a page and saw that CW has already told you about it. So I am here if you have questions. It is a wonderful way to find that spark in the marriage again. My H and I had been married 28 years when we finally went. I'd say the spark had been gone for the last 20 years. So neither of us thought we would have very good results. We just went because we didn't know what else to do. It was an unbelievable experience. Not just for us; we could see that the weekend had a good effect on all the couples there. We all arrived on Friday night looking tense and frightened. And by Saturday at dinner time, everyone was walking around with their arms around their spouses. Get that! And all the complaints at breakfast that we had single beds in the rooms! For us the results have lasted. It is over a year later and we haven't had an argument yet. We use the dialogue technique when we see that we disagree on something, and it gets us through it. The website is http://www.helpourmarriage.org, with dates and locations of weekends. Since it is sponsored by the Catholic Church, it is very affordable. They ask for an initial deposit, and then after the weekend, they ask for a donation.
Minkerman, I'm new to piecing and noticed your thread had the same title as mine...so i just read it (only the piecing thread). Plus you are a fellow Canadian. I am brand new here so I will be reading and trying to learn from all of you.
I always read you, because you are such an inspiration. Congratulations on keeping up the GAL activities!!!! And also the housekeeping!! For some reason I find doing dishes and making the bed to be very satisfying... when they are done, they are done, not like most things in my life
We are having our ups and downs. That is to be expected. It took us years to get to "the bad place" so I expect that if we stick with it, it will take months to get to "the good place".
She still feels a "void", which she can't put her finger on. But, we are going to keep at it to see what happens.
I have recently decided to work more diligently to give her space and do things separately from her. For instance, last night when we got home from work, I told her I was going for a run. I ended up having a nice one hour run along the water, and she had time alone.
She is having huge challenges at work, and in the past this has always affected her mood at home. It is no exception now! She is not sleeping well, and she is very quiet. But she tells me it is because of work. That is all being sorted out today, once and for all, so we can get that behind us.
I have also taken a look in the mirror. I realize that her comment from a week or so ago, about me being "very accommodating" to her, is something I need to listen to.
I am definitely being too nice of a guy. It's my nature, unfortunately, but right now it is not helping the situation. She needs me to lead, to be decisive, to man up. So, I am thinking of ways I can still be nice, but with an edge. This will be a mini-180, and I'm looking forward to watching for results.
When they say you have to keep DB'ing after you get back together, it is true. Maybe not forever, but for now.
Hey Mink, just wanted to say congrats and keep up the good work. I was following your sitch months ago back when I first separated with my W and feel a smart, dedicated DB'er will always find places to put DB principles to good use even in a strong, healthy marriage. Keep on busting, Diehard.
Me 38 WAW 29 D 4 Married 9 Together 11 Bomb June 07 Separated Jan 08 Reconciled May 08 awesome, happy, and blessed
Well another week has gone by. We have had one good talk a few days ago, where she asked me my thoughts on why she wasn't "overflowing with joy" at being together.
I said I thought that our love was mature enough after 30 years, that "overflowing with joy" may not be a reasonable expectation. I said that spending time together and enjoying each other's company while pursuing both common and individual interests is what I envision as being together.
I have made sure to give her space, sometimes a challenge in a 1200 sq ft condo!!
When she first moved back, it was agreed that we would start changing up our leisure activities to include things like hiking, rafting, wine touring, etc, to stop us from being so boring all the time. However, due to huge changes in her job, she has been exhausted every day, and doesn't feel like doing much other than relaxing on the weekends. It has affected her mood somewhat as well. Well, she has given her bosses an ultimatum, and she will find out Monday whether they will go for it. In the meantime her mood has improved. I think this is due partly to reading the riot act to her bosses, and partly due to our talk.
Over the week it seems that her warmth is returning. I am getting hugs, touching and smiles. It's the little, tiny positive steps that I am looking out for...and not dwelling on the so-called negatives.
Plus, as I said previously, I have started to reclaim my masculinity. I am once again being the quietly confident male, who just happens to have a romantic side. This is how I was when we met, all those years ago. She is responding well to it, and this in turn increases my ability to do it. It is once again starting to feel natural, and I LIKE it.
Last night I was out, and got home at 9pm. I walked in and she said "Hey there, you!" I walked up to her and she opened her arms and gave me a nice little kiss, then said "welcome home". As she pulled away, I put my hand in the small of her back and pulled her back to me...then I planted one smack on the lips, said "it's nice to be home" and went over and sat down. She looked at me for a second and then said "I missed you tonight".
These are things that weren't happening a week ago.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
I think you are right about giving her space, but also making time to do things together. Too often we go in different directions so much, that the us disappears. And then there is nothing to talk about because we don't do anything together. So it's a balance. GAL and GAL together.
