Part of me just wants to run away (I know I can't and won't). I began wondering whether I was really fit to be someone's father or not. Am I just kidding myself? Maybe S7 and S3 would be better off without me?
NoCode- I'm going to tell you what Rob told me last week. STOP! You are a good father and your children are not better off without you. You had a bad couple of days. The sun will shine for you again. Trust me NoCode, I completely understand the feeling of wanting to run away. I've been very down myself lately and have wanted to just let go. I won't though. My D4 is much to precious to me and I know that one way or another, I will be okay.
As Bruce Springsteen says in "Lonesome Day".....Thy kingdom come, Im gonna find my way Yeah, through this lonesome day
We're here for you. You'll get through this. We all slip and slide down a little. Please know that you're a good man and a good father. Your kids love you......hey, they're kids and they'll have days that they won't mind. You'll be okay.
Smile, okay.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Oh, yes, they would definitely be better off with your W instead of you! Of course not!
Missing the wedding by less than an hour doesn't sound so bad to me. Not a wedding, but we were trying to go to some fun activity one Saturday and I had us all show up one WEEK early! Oops! Maybe I shouldn't be a mom either do you think??? I just had to laugh at myself!!! I know it had to be so upsetting though to miss the baptism, but I think you will never be late for anything like that! I try to look at mistakes as learning experiences (like when I messed up in the play & forgot my words and didn't say anything for about 30 seconds (but it seemed like 30 hours). Well, I won't do that again (I won't)!!! You shouldn't be so hard on yourself when you make mistakes--that's one thing I've learned with time I guess. I know I read in one of the DR or DB or Change your Life books that everyone will have setbacks and something like 2 or 3 steps forward, one back or something like that, but the point being that you are still making progress even if you aren't always perfect?
You know, I have kids that are hyperactive with SI too, and it's not easy sometimes, but we all have those moments where are kids are a bit out of control. I think that is cool that you appreciate how hard parenting kids can be--my H has never appreciated my taking care of the kids or homeschooling them you know--and I think that is great that you know how challenging it can be sometimes, but of course also they can be the greatest, coolest kids too! I think they are mad at their dad lately, but have really been showing me the love (I guess b/c they realize I am the stable parent that will always be there for them or something like that.) I'm sure it won't last, but I'm enjoying it for the moment anyway.
One side effect of my H moving out besides the peace and less craziness, is that the kids and I have really grown close, and I think you will always have a special bond with your kids too also.
You are aloud to make mistakes.. let me tell you every parent does, and you messing up the time.. you have ALOT on your mind, sometimes we are all lucky we remember to eat... Kids are kids, mine are very active and yes most of the time they don't listen.. don't feel bad about that, it is what it is.. sometimes they don't listen, it happens to everybody.. doesn't make us bad parents.
NO NO NO... they are NOT better off without you.. they need you , you're their father, don't forget it.
Chin up or I will have to whip you (I'll have to borrow saffies though!)
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I just have to face that I still have a long way to go. I am still prone to making mistakes and out-right bone-headed gaffs, even when I think I am focused on the task at hand.
As for my S's, I wonder sometimes if my need to be in their lives is really for the right reasons. Am I doing it for them or for me? I know they love me, and they do need their father. But am I being selfish in seeking to claim 50-percent of their time and custody, when they are obviously more comfortable with their mother? Or when they don't show me enough respect? (Sometimes I get the feeling they think of me as a camp counselor or something , rather than their parent.)
I don't expect to be perfect, but I often wonder if I am even adequate for the task. I just want the best for S7 and S3, and I fall short of that.
I just have to face that I still have a long way to go. I am still prone to making mistakes and out-right bone-headed gaffs, even when I think I am focused on the task at hand.
As for my S's, I wonder sometimes if my need to be in their lives is really for the right reasons. Am I doing it for them or for me?
That reminds me of something my C said recently. I was telling her my memory wasn't as good as it used to be, and she was saying when you are experiencing stress (like you and I are doing) that your memory is not as good. And then I think you are putting more stress on yourself by trying to be perfect or whatever.
If you are like me, you need to be involved with your kids for both reasons. I enjoy being with them and love them, but I also think it is good for both parents to be involved as much as possible with them. I want at least 50% with my children, too! Karen
nocode, Karen is so right about messing up the time. I have done that more than once, totally normal.
Camp counselor? Are you kidding me? You are D A D. Nothing will change that. Yes, I agree, kids get/need different things from each parent, but your kids are the good kids they are today because of input/love from you and your wife. Its ok if you feel you are in their life for you, heck, I need my kids so much right now to keep me going. I suppose in a way I use them to keep going. You can 'lean' on your kids like that. Wouldn't you agree that your bond with your sons have become stronger since this mess happened?
Okay. I know I need to gain a little perspective. Thanks, everyone. Like I said, I just need to continue to try to do my best. Regardless of what may come.
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W called me yesterday as I was leaving work (early) to go pick up our S's from school/preschool. She said she was in the area where S3's preschool is and wanted know if I "needed" her to pick up S3 herself and take him to the house to wait for me. Impatient little wench she be. I told her "No, thank you." I know she's just trying to horn in on my custody time.
She also told me she had gotten some IMAX theater tickets to the opening of Speed Racer for her and the boys. W has had a long time crush on the title character since the old anime series. We bought the DVD collection years ago before S3 was born and S7 was little, mostly for W's nostalgia. Lately, they dug out those old series and have been playing them over and over.
So, I know this was something special for W and our S's. When she said I could tell them the news, I told her I would let her do that. I did tell my S's that whenever their mother would call that evening she would have a surprise to tell them about, but I didn't elaborate. And when she did call later and she got to tell them, I cheered right along with my S's for the thrill at knowing they're going to see something they've been looking forward to.
Yeah, I'm a little jealous. But I am not gong to steal this moment from W, even if I could never trust her to do the same, because I love my kids and want them to love their mother. Her attitude and behavior are not befitting for the mother of my children, but this is not about her, it's about them.
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Oh, I have an appointment with the L on Tuesday. It's sort of ironic in that day marks day 365, one year, for me. I never would have dreamed then that not only would that day would be our last, but that a year later I would still be celibate ...and going to see a L.
I had my S's through Wednesday morning, dropping them off at their respective schools/track-out camp. W picked them up afterwards in the afternoon. I ran an extra half-hour late that morning (on top of the normal lateness due to this unusual schedule when I have the children) because S7 insisted on sleeping late and dragging his feet more than usual (I think he's practicing to be a teenager already.)
Because of this, I had to work that much later beyond my normal time. Also I was unable to drop off S's nighttime sleeping companions / plush animal toys before bedtime. For this W left me some nasty voicemails. She said I was being thoughtless and selfish, having no thought of our S's needs. She claimed I was using this as an excuse to enter the house after bedtime hours and disrupt the household. This she left on my cellphone's voicemail.
She insisted that I drop the bag with the animals on the stoop of the house without ringing the doorbell, knocking or otherwise seeking entrance, but just to leave the items quietly and to go away, like some criminal or something.
When I got home I found she had left another voicemail on the answering system. She said that S7 had a horrible day at track-out camp, all because I neglected to pack him a pair of his swim trunks and a towel. S7 was the only one who was left out of the Y's "Beach Day" activities because of me.
On the weekend prior to this event I had already inquired with S7 about whether we needed to recover the swimtrunks from the house, since W had herself neglected to return the only pair I had bought for him. S7 had said no -- he insisted that he had already told me previously that there would be no more swimming during this track-out session because the Y was readying the pool for the summer season. So I did not bother to return to the house to get the trunks.
I replied to W in an email about these accusations. I explained to her that she was jumping to conclusions about what she perceived to be my thoughts and motivations concerning these circumstances, how she was assuming the worst with no foundation. To my surprise she apologized somewhat, but that didn't keep her from continuing to attack me, later saying it is all my fault she perceives me so negatively.
When she ended up reversing her pseudo-apology and began to take another tact at painting me as a bad father, I told her she was being rude and was completely out of line.
Prior to all this I had gone to a craft store with my two S's to gather the materials to make their own Mother's Day cards for W. We spent Tuesday evening cutting paper, drawing pictures, glueing scrapbook pieces and placing stickers on hand-made greeting cards from each of my two boys.They did a wonderful job, even S3 (although he had far too much fun using his new safety scissors to turn a piece of colored cardstock into confetti.)
I dropped these cards off along with the bedtime animals.
Jump forward to Saturday night, I decided to call W to see if she might be interested in dinner after the 11 AM church service with me and our S's, my treat, to celebrate Mother's Day. I fully expected W to decline, but thought maybe she might see this as intended, as a demonstration of good will before our children. Unfortunately, not only did she decline but W shouted her answer, "NO!" Surprised at her vehemence, I asked her to clarify. Again she said, "NOOO!" She then said that she fully intended to enjoy her time with our S's on Mother's Day, but that spending any time with me was not enjoyable.
I said fine, and that I at least made the offer.
Yes, it did hurt. There as no need for her to be so nasty. She could have had the grace and courtesy to decline politely, which is what any civil, rational human being would have done. But I am not dealing with a civil or rational person here.
Well, if her ulterior motive is to get me to hate her, she is doing an extremely good job. However, I refuse to allow the bitterness she instills to get the better of me. I refuse to hate her -- I will and do hate her actions with an unabiding passion, but as a follower of Jesus Christ, I refuse to hate the person. I still love her on a basic level, agape love.
But the love of her as a spouse and soul-partner is just about gone. I seriously doubt she'll ever give us a chance to rebuild that. Her loss.
I will channel my anger, not into bitterness, but into (1) sorrow for the death of this M, (2) the drive to GAL and improve my life, and (3, most of all) the determination to do what is best for me and for my S's. I am praying to the Lord constantly to keep the root of bitterness from my heart.
Today I see my attorney to discuss this sham of a Separation Agreement (SA) that W and the (her) mediator are drafting -- and to plan a line of argument to question why I am not due at least 50% custody of my children. I have been fighting a losing battle against W and the mediator on this, they just don't hear me. I absolutely will not tolerate being dismissed out of hand without proper justification of their stance. I really hoped we would not be dragged into this costly battle, but this is where W is taking us.
I will channel my anger, not into bitterness, but into (1) sorrow for the death of this M, (2) the drive to GAL and improve my life, and (3, most of all) the determination to do what is best for me and for my S's. I am praying to the Lord constantly to keep the root of bitterness from my heart.
Hi, NoCode! You know I've always thought your sitch was a lot like mine and you even seem to be going through some of the same thoughts as me lately. I still love my H, but don't like him b/c of his actions kind of thinking. I was depressed yesterday thinking about having to deal with him for the next 10 years until the kids are grown--dealing with a critical, negative, manipulative, controlling (have I left anything out? ) person. One thing that makes me feel better for some reason is that it is hard for me to deal with just a few minutes each day with H's negativity, but how hard it must be for him to have to live with himself all day! I prefer to live positively, allow people to make mistakes without freaking out as my H and your W does. It must be hard to live lives like they do I would imagine! And what must they think of themselves if they are critical of us?
I had a down day yesterday, think I was tired b/c I didn't sleep much the night before, and my D8 and I slept an extra hour this morning and I feel so much better. I haven't been exercising as much lately and I want to step that up, during the play I was excersizing probably a dozen hours a week and felt so good! Now I'm down to an hour or 2, so I want to double that I think.
My sil is always saying how great mediation is, and I think it is too, but from what I've read in several places, you have to have 2 fairly agreeable people that are willing to compromise and I don't know that your W qualifies. It is a shame, but what can you do? I'm sure I will be going through that as well with my difficult H. I hope you can be positive and not get bitter, I work on this every day too! Karen
Of course not! 
I know it had to be so upsetting though to miss the baptism, but I think you will never be late for anything like that! I try to look at mistakes as learning experiences (like when I messed up in the play & forgot my words and didn't say anything for about 30 seconds (but it seemed like 30 hours). Well, I won't do that again (I won't)!!! You shouldn't be so hard on yourself when you make mistakes--that's one thing I've learned with time I guess. I know I read in one of the DR or DB or Change your Life books that everyone will have setbacks and something like 2 or 3 steps forward, one back or something like that, but the point being that you are still making progress even if you aren't always perfect? 
) person. One thing that makes me feel better for some reason is that it is hard for me to deal with just a few minutes each day with H's negativity, but how hard it must be for him to have to live with himself all day! I prefer to live positively, allow people to make mistakes without freaking out as my H and your W does. It must be hard to live lives like they do I would imagine! And what must they think of themselves if they are critical of us? 