Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 12 of 12 1 2 10 11 12
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,896
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,896
Quote:
Yeah, I know she's likely to not hear any of this, and she's more inclined to go the opposite direction given the message comes from me. It's a bit preachy, even for her. But I felt compelled to say something. It's not all about me. It's not all about her. It's about God and the greater good.
Yes, I think you're right! She won't hear it or if she does she'll prob. take it the wrong way!!! I think maybe it's something you just have to experience like we have this past year or whatever, and not something that someone can tell you about? I think the only reason we should email like that is if it made you feel better to express that, then it's worth it. If it doesn't make you feel better, then I wouldn't bother. I do have faith that God is trying to reach your W and my H and other WAS. They are probably trying to fight that at this stage I suspect though, but you know He's pretty powerful, so who knows what will happen someday? Karen


Me 53
D18, S24
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,283
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,283
Nocode, I don't think I have posted before. I have tried to keep up. I have even paraphrased something you said to your W once.

It would seem like your W is just at that stage. No turning back. Maybe she is too proud. It does seem like she has turned away from her faith. She may not believe this, but don't they all lie to themselves anyway?

I have been tempted to tell my roomie something like, "I don't know what God you now pray to, but my God...."

Tempted, but won't. I hope.

I want to take the high road. Be interesting how your W responds. I DO think it was a bit much. But that is you.

Hope you don't take that the wrong way.

Best of luck to you, brother.


Me 47, WW 38
SS18, D15, D10

Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08

"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."



Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,580
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,580
Thanks, Karen, H4H,

I know it was a bit much -- but if I had never said it, I would have carried the guilt of not pointing it out, doing everything possible. But like you said, H4H, that is me, for better or worse.

I did get a response a couple of hours ago, which I just read...

Quote:
"heavy sigh" Your words have always sounded so good. In the past year how many times have you put any love into action? You don't seem to understand that when you throw a tantrum when I ask you to help clean out this house to get it ready to sell it negates any religious platitude you 've said & makes it just noise. Godly love works for others, does for others. I cry every time I start wading through the mountains of stuff in this house & then I see that you've bought more bookcases & a coffee table when there are ones here I'm going to have to haul off by myself. You agreed that we need to sell the house & said you want 60% of the profit but I'm the one that has put in the sweat equity. I'm sorry if I can't take your preaching to heart. It is very much like the "holy" men who passed by the dying man. The "good Samaritan" helped willingly. You've had a year. I'll box your stuff & you can go through it. I'm finally making it to the closets. My paperwork load hasn't been quite as heavy so I'm making some progress.


Typical WAS cynicism and hyperbole -- I'm not surprised. If this pushes her further ways into her myopic fog, further away from God, then I am sorry for that. It's still her choice.

I s*ck at DB'ing, but I tried.

Two things jump out at me:

(1) She is complaining about me seeking 60% of the house, which I gave into 50-50 months ago now during "mediation" (as long as custody was going to also be 50-50). So I question why she's grousing about that still.

(2) It should be obvious to anyone reading this that her personal Love Language involves Acts of Service. (Her secondary LL is Physical Touch -- but she no longer wants me anywhere near her.) She never cares to reciprocate with my personal LL, Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. In fact she now always leads with the exact opposite, which has done nothing but discourage me from spending any time at the house doing yardwork and repairs like I had in the beginning of this separation. I just was not welcome.

Thus our impasse.

Should I respond? Is there even a response?

So much obfuscation, so much negativity. No wonder I suffered under depression for so long. It didn't have to be this way.

Well, I am no longer going to allow anyone to steal my joy. No more.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 5,643
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 5,643
Wow. She is STILL focusing on that one time you got upset when she asked you to take the stereo/computer equipment!?? Even I remember that time, and if she has only that example to go of off, she is grasping.

She is showing some remorse, but like my H, she is justifying her actions with lots of spun out 'unfacts'. I am sorry nocode.

Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,580
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,580
I have had quite a bit of introspection since last evening.

I acknowledge I allow my beliefs and convictions to come to the fore, to the point that I tend to beat someone over the head with them. I regret that. W used to do the same with me, and now the shoe is on the other foot. I need to walk gently, with humility and compassion.

My W has strayed from the path, the very path she helped me get back on eighteen years ago. I need to show her more of the compassion and understanding she needs to return to Him. I must be mindful of sending the wrong message or pushing her away.

I believe we are all sinners who fall far short of being worthy of His grace. No one is worthy of the sacrifice Jesus made for us. Even Christians who have accepted Him as our lord and savior are sinners -- sinners in recovery, but still sinners.

Too many, both Christian and non-Christian alike, forget that the Church is really a hospital for sinners, not a country club for saints.

I just want to let all of you know that I love you all (y'all, I should say). I really need all of you to help keep me honest and true, to call me when I am too fervent or going off the deep end. If I offend anyone in even the slightest way, please be candid and call me on it.

Having said that, my situation is winding down very quickly. I fully expect W to keep to her word -- she will file for D this week, tomorrow most likely. It is a change in my life that I have never felt so helpless in effecting. I would say that my actions in this last year might be a beacon to others for what not to do to save your marriage. But in all levity, I don't think anything I could have done or not have done would have changed the outcome.

DB'ing can only to be said to be successful in the LBS' outcome. The results of the M itself, either way, are merely incidental.

So, I guess I am thankful to everyone for the friendship and the words of advice, in helping me get through this. It's not quite over just yet, but the inertia is so great now, it's merely fait accompli at this point.

Once this thread locks, I ponder whether to open a new one. I will continue to lurk here and to offer my own words of advice and support to my friends. But I don't know if the journalling and the pondering over my own sitch is fruitful anymore, especially as it starts a new chapter that has little bearing on this forum. Perhaps I should consider putting out a shingle on the "Surviving the big D".

Blessings to all.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 5,643
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 5,643
Quote:
Perhaps I should consider putting out a shingle on the "Surviving the big D".


Maybe you and I should move our DB paper bag over to Surviving. I have been pondering it as well. SallyM said her whole life views changed when she moved there, because there were all sorts of people in all sorts of stages on Surviving. Proof that we will survive it.

(((nocode)))

Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,580
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,580
Hello, Lwb,

I want to tell you again how wonderful a lady you are, and that you are someone who least deserves the pain of D. You have an inner strength and beauty that just shines.

Yes, I think the Surviving-D forum will be more appropriate. I have lurked there myself, trying to get acquainted with people's various situations.

I hope you holiday was wonderful and you're enjoying every precious moment with your DD's.

May God bless.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 5,643
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 5,643
Thank you so much.

And may I just say that you are an amazingly strong committed man, and to top it off, a wonderfully devoted and loving father. I wish I could erase your and your boys pain, I really do.

We had a fabulous 4th weekend. D4 kept yelling "Happy Birthday July!" instead of "Happy 4th of July". Too cute.

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 5,666
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 5,666
NCB,
You are such a rock to us and I hate that you are going through such pain right now. We all know what a wonderful man and father you are.

I do think that your emails to her are falling on deaf ears. I think maybe it is time just to let her be and continue to make her own mistakes. I think it will just put more hatred and justification in her heart if you continue. I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh if that is how I'm coming off. I just worry about your feelings and her replies always upset you.

Perhaps you can write the letters to her and put them in a shoebox in the top of your closet. One day when this all behind you, you can take them out and bury them along with the past.

Hugs, Yoyo

Hugs, Yoyo




Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.
-- Bernice Johnson Reagon


Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,896
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,896
Originally Posted By: Yoyowife
NCB,

I do think that your emails to her are falling on deaf ears. I think maybe it is time just to let her be and continue to make her own mistakes. I think it will just put more hatred and justification in her heart if you continue. I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh if that is how I'm coming off. I just worry about your feelings and her replies always upset you.

I agree with Yoyo as always. I don't think your W deserves your emails! Would it be a 180 for you to try LRTing more, just limiting your emails to the kids? You have reached out to her several times, and I know this is bad for me to think but I am wondering if she gets enjoyment out of rejecting you/your efforts to communicate. I agree about getting your thoughts out on paper, but maybe not sending them? You know, they don't seem to work, just irritate or anger your W, so doing more of what works? And you know I suggest this when I am the absolute worst at LRT of course! \:\) And you know we only say this b/c we worry and care about you??? Karen


Me 53
D18, S24
Page 12 of 12 1 2 10 11 12

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard