I haven't seen anything in her current behavior that I find becoming. She's not the same person. Her contempt for me is beyond anything I thought the woman I thought I married was capable of.
NoCode,
I am NOT saying things are working out in my sitch but...If I really think back. Last year at this time. I world have made the same statement. Now my w is still not the woman I married but after this neither one of us will ever be the same person we married. It is very difficult for me not to settle in that "comfort zone" Right now. Wife is acting like she did before all this stuff started. Only this time I am aware something is not right. I don't think the OM is involved at this time but I do think that if we would have went to retro this time last year before the Om all of this may not have happened.
Ok sorry about talking about my sitch but what I wanted to say is that it is possible for our wives to lose some of that FOG. And I have seen from others here that it is possible for them to come back completely...the other side... I have also seen the W or H leave right when you think you were back on track.
What a fri@en soap opara
H Good luck buddy H
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I haven't seen anything in her current behavior that I find becoming. She's not the same person. Her contempt for me is beyond anything I thought the woman I thought I married was capable of. And yet I think I can say anything to her she might truly hear?
No, maybe not. I guess I need to really and truly give her over to God instead. I can say nothing to her that won't be twisted by her fog, nothing for the time being. I just need to continue to pray for her and minimize what interactions with her as I can.
I think that sounds like a good plan, NC! I hate to bring up Dr. Phil, how embarrassing, but I think he says something like is what you're doing hurting or helping your R? And I think some of what you're doing like arguing with her about the D is not helping obviously. It doesn't seem to from what you say. I just started in the process but H wanted something from me and my L said not to give it to him and I just relayed that message to him that I would LOVE to help him out, but my L said I couldn't, and I think we are supposed to do what our Ls tell us and follow their advice. I know my H believes I am a dumb & overly trusting person (ok maybe part of that is true) but I don't think I'm as dumb as he thinks, and playing dumb like I have no control and I'm getting bossed by my L is something that I think is useful for me and getting out of arguments. I do think LRT is good, if not for your R just for your mental health and PMA and I am trying to do that as much as possible although it doesn't come naturally to me.
And about the mileage, if your L thinks that is what you should be doing or not I would listen to your L and follow his advice, and if you W wants to talk about that say that is the advice of your L and let her L talk to your L. I mean they are the ones that want the D and have the OP, so if they aren't happy they have other things they could be doing to prevent this. It's not like we are the ones breaking up the M so you shouldn't feel any guilt and I certainly don't!!!
Oh, and I agree with you that anything you say she probably won't hear or understand or whatever. My H is very foggy, and Puppy and others have told me not to waste my time and that is probably true in your case, too. I guess maybe that is why DB seems to focus on actions rather than talking, b/c the talking is kind of pointless at this point in the process I think. Karen
Thanks, H, talking about your own situation actually helps. It provides comparison and contrast to my own sitch, which is pretty bleak.
Karen, that's not just Dr. Phil but MWD too. And I have asked myself that question a lot, but quite often I just don't have a definitive answer. It's a fine line -- balancing standing up for my own interests, and those ultimately for my S's, against potentially antagonizing W. It seems I am often d*mned if do or d*mned if I don't, in her eyes. So I feel it makes more sense to try to align myself with God's purposes instead, to do what I am led to do that is right with Him.
Just when I think I'm properly detached and getting settled with the inevitable, today I just felt the sudden pangs of anxiety in realizing that W will be legally free to file for D one week from now, on July 7.
I know, I know. I keep telling myself to not worry about things that are outside of my control. Sometimes that is easier said than done.
There is nothing I can do to prevent it. And there has been nothing I have done that has had any effect in averting it. Obviously, my W has more will and determination and plays this "game" so much better than myself.
I knew I was powerless, but I just never realized how much until this past year. Now it is eminent.
I have faith that I will survive this. But I worry for my W and what this will do to my S's. On that, because of my S's, it is so very hard to detach. But for my children I could more easily have let her go completely -- I think I would have already come so much farther.
Lately I keep thinking about what I want to say to her. It keeps rolling over and over in my mind. I realize it wouldn't change anything, and yet I have this pent-up desire to say my peace.
Is there nothing that I can say?
No, I (must) give this over to God Almighty, maker of Heaven and Earth. I release this into the hands of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and ask for forgiveness for myself and for my lost wife. I pray she too will accept His grace again some day.
No, I (must) give this over to God Almighty, maker of Heaven and Earth. I release this into the hands of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and ask for forgiveness for myself and for my lost wife. I pray she too will accept His grace again some day.
I pray every day too, sometimes for my R but always for H to find his way back to God and the right path. I do believe that if our prayers are not answered exactly how we want, but our marriages end, that God probably has something even better in store for us. And lately it does look like at least in my case, that may be what happens. But so far everything in my life has worked out (I believe with God's help), so I believe this will too. And I know everything will work out for you too, NC!!! Karen
Thanks, Karen, I believe so too. I have come to realize that if my W is going to continue walking away from our M and continue with her selfish, sinful behaviors then God is planning on removing her from my life, not as a punishment of me but to save me for something better in life.
So while God "hates divorce", if we allow Him to He will use any adversity to lead us on a more spiritually healthy path, to replace what is wrong in our lives with something far better.
--- W is now trying to experiment again with the parenting schedule. She was trying to push us back to the 5-day/9-day schedule, but is wanting to experiment with having just S7 stay two additional nights. She picked them up on her mid-week evening (we each take one evening during the other's week of custody to spend time with our S's, to break up the long week of little contact with the other parent.) Took them swimming at the Y. She was planning on keeping S3 with her the last two nights of my week, but S3 wants to stay wherever S7 stays.
When W dropped them off this evening after their swim, they were all still in their wet swim clothes, W included. I tried to ogle W, but her turn of character sours any positives I would have thought of her. Still, I really, really miss the old W. Where is that sweet, modest person I once knew?
Tomorrow, July 3rd, is our 17th Wedding Anniversary. I started to say something to W this evening, but I stopped myself. And I wondered (again) about writing a letter. I won't waste my time on gifts or cards this year. But I feel compelled to say or do something, to at least acknowledge the day to her, to let her know it has not slipped my mind.
But I feel compelled to say or do something, to at least acknowledge the day to her, to let her know it has not slipped my mind.
If you don't think she will say anything and you feel you should, thank her for your sons, something that came out of the marriage that is priceless.
On our anniversary, I swear to you it was 11:50pm (10 minutes to go) and H blurts out "I know what today is!" LOL! I said "Me too, and thank you for the girls. I would be lost without them", and he smiled. That was that.
H's new attitude and change makes him less attractive to me as well. Funny, because he has never been in better shape.
Glad you guys are to a point where you can play around with the schedules for your sons sake. Maybe bring that up soon, that you think its great that you guys can put the boys first, and communicate about them.
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then God is planning on removing her from my life, not as a punishment of me but to save me for something better in life.
My first wife (the coke head) tried the same thing with me. She just wanted to have the older D (3yo) and not the 3mo. I told her my kids will never have a normal life as we are now. I can only give them so much. What I do know is they will AWAYS have each other. they are a pair.. take it or leave it.. so as long as I sent money to buy diapers and food for the girls she was ok with it. As soon as I started sending diapers and food with the girls she stopped seeing them.. Makes ya wonder how much coke I bought and did not even know it....
Doc
P.S I am not saying your wife is a coke head..Just that the kids should stay together
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
This morning I mentioned to S7 that today marked W & my 17th Anniversary. He got all excited and then I told him to calm down -- that we were not going to celebrate it. He looked at me with the saddest, most disappointed look. I commiserated with him and told him it just wasn't going to happen any more -- his mother was dissolving the M and we were no longer going to be married.
I was fully intending to be upbeat today despite everything, and then this scene with S7 got me pondering. And when I made it into work I began stewing over this day even more. This was the first time in 17 years I had not taken this day off from work.
I sent W a short email this morning, against better judgement:
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I keep asking myself, but I just can't say for sure... Knowing what I know now, would I do it all over again?
If I was sure you had truly loved me? Yes, despite the pain. For better and worse. Otherwise? I just don't know.
I am sorry I let this happen to us. Please forgive me.
It was probably not the best move I could have come up with. This evening I noted that W had sent a reply this afternoon:
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I'm sorry we let this happen too. Going forward is painful, but going back would be far more painful so I have to go forward. I look back & see the warning signs along the way.... I see times <my brother> & <my SIL> & our neighbors have taken for themselves. That would have been great. There did not seem to be a whole lot of interest on either of our parts. You have complained about me controlling things & I have lamented that I had to because you wouldn't. I did vocalize these laments to a distracted & uninterested husband. These were the curling brown leaves on a dying marriage plant. I can't go back. Lets go forward & work out the best routine for the kids. That is my focus now. I don't care about money. I'll take or give whatever the court says is fair. I'll file next week. They would prefer a signed separation agreement, but oh well. 16 was all I could take. I'm sorry
.
I shouldn't be surprised at the repeated attacks. Nor with her continuing to misrepresent my feelings or intent during our M, and the complete mischaracterization of my actions. She continues to make it sound as if I was the one consciously trying to destroy our M. I sent a response just now, trying to stay even-keeled:
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Go in peace is all I ask.
I said nothing about going back. I merely wanted to acknowledge today, but in so doing it brought back up the pain of what was lost, and so I felt the need to express my regret. If you have none, fine.
That speaks volumes, sadly.
But I lay all that aside, because no matter what, above all else, I want to take this occasion to thank you for our children. Something good did come of this at the least. And acknowledging the significance of this day is, if nothing else, a recognition of their significance in our lives.
Why do I think a leopard can change its spots? Because it happened once at least. Either that or she had me completely fooled for the entire 16 years leading up to the bomb.
Husband, I am inclined to think that my W might be an addict of some sort after all. Maybe not coke, but something nearly as devastating.
My Fourth of July was good. Went to a poolside party with some of my DivorceCare and church friends. I had custody of S7 and he went with me to the pool. It was fun.
I then dropped S7 off at his mother's. She took S3 and S7 to a baseball game far away east -- I suspect because it's close to OM.
I got a bit upset last night because I snooped on W's computer. She had a link in her browser history to a MeetUp page for some guy with the same name as OM -- turned out it couldn't have been OM since this particular guy lives about three hours west of here, not east. (Still, why did W have a link to this person if not?)
I mention this because the MeetUp's this person was interested in involved Wiccan, Tarot, Witchcraft, Herbalism and other New Age, Anti-Christian junk. It alarmed me greatly she might be exposing our S's to such insanity. Thankfully it doesn't appear so.
Nevertheless I didn't sleep well last night. I got up this morning and wrote W another follow-up email:
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Actually, I've got more to say on this -- a lot more -- but I will just say this (please hear me out):
I am sorry you don't really know who I am anymore. I'm sorry you don't know who you really are anymore as well.
Because of ignorance, pride, selfishness, dishonesty and blindness, we have both suffered, needlessly, in the latter part of this marriage by each other's actions and inactions. In the last year alone, I personally have suffered more pain and more agony than I thought was ever possible. But through the midst of that turmoil I have found, ironically, what true joy really is. Yes, me, Mr. Depression himself.
God Almighty uses adversity to wake us up and to get a word edgewise into our self-absorbed lives. He did so with me, and I even though I still have pain, so too have I joy. It amazes me, and yet it shouldn't.
You see, for most of our lives we've both been wrong and immature about what happiness is and what a marriage is supposed to bring to us. You have been under the mistaken notion that a spouse's job and responsibility is to make the other happy, and when that doesn't happen, the marriage is over. You express a large degree of entitlement that just doesn't have any foundation in His plan, for life or for marriage.
Happiness is fleeting, but true joy comes not of other people but from God and accepting Christ as our savior -- and it encompasses both happiness and sorrow, good times and bad. You don't find happiness or joy through marriage without God. Marriage brings joy but only through God. The joy that God provides through the Holy Spirit gives us the serenity to persevere through it all, come what may, knowing that His Kingdom awaits us.
His gift of joy is given like His grace -- we need only accept it. It's our choice.
Despite the fact you seems to think I am trying to "entrap" you again, or something like that, you need to understand that it really doesn't matter if I want you back or not. In fact, I have come to the conclusion that that is not even what is most important here.
All that matters is that God wants you back.
That's what He keeps telling me. Everywhere I turn, every prayer I make with Him, every time I get down and try to converse with Him, I cannot escape it. He says to me, "Leave her to me. I want her back and that is all that matters right now."
I have been trying to do that. For the sake of S7 and S3, because of my love for them and, yes, for you, I am willing to trust and have faith in the Lord. I pray now that you will truly and honestly listen to Him, even if you never listen to me ever again on anything else.
Yeah, I know she's likely to not hear any of this, and she's more inclined to go the opposite direction given the message comes from me. It's a bit preachy, even for her. But I felt compelled to say something. It's not all about me. It's not all about her. It's about God and the greater good.
