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#1428508 - 04/28/08 04:56 AM Winner At A Losing Game
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
First Thread.
Second Thread.
Third Thread.
Fourth Thread.
Fifth Thread.
Last Thread.


Winner At A Losing Game
Rascal Flats

Baby, look here at me
Have you ever seen me this way?
I've been fumblin' for words
Through the tears and the hurt and the pain.
I'm gonna lay it all out
On the line tonight.
And I think that it's time
To tell this uphill fight goodbye.

Have you ever had to love someone
That just don't feel the same?
Tryin' to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin' to catch the rain.
And if love is really forever,
I'm a winner at a losin' game.

I know that baby, you've tried
To find me somewhere inside of you.
But, you know you can't lie
Girl, you can't hide the truth.
Sometimes two hearts
Just can't dance to the same beat.
So I'll pack up my things,
And I'll take what remains of me.

Have you ever had to love someone
That just don't feel the same?
Tryin' to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin' to catch the rain.
And if love is really forever,
I'm a winner at a losin' game.

I know that I'll never be the man that you need or love
Yeah, baby it's killin' me to stand here and see
I'm not what you've been dreamin' of

Have you ever had to love someone
That just don't feel the same?
Tryin' to make somebody care for you
The way I do


------------------
Another thread locked.

Originally Posted By: mcojh
Shame on you NC.....you are being human.


Guilty as charged. All too human.

And thanks, Karen. I realize that my W just doesn't want me to have somehow salvaged myself. She does not want to believe or look at the evidence before her that I have not only been changing and growing, but for the better. She does not ever want to concede the possibility she was wrong about me.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

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#1428918 - 04/28/08 04:27 PM Re: Winner At A Losing Game [Re: NoCodeBlues]
fightingirish Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/07
Posts: 2866
Loc: USA
Hi nocodes.. great song...

Hope your ok today...
_________________________
me: 37
H: 44
Married for 18 years this june
S7
S3
porn issues, and much more... since 7/06

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

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#1429008 - 04/28/08 05:28 PM Re: Winner At A Losing Game [Re: fightingirish]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Hi, Tal,

I am okay today. I miss my S's, but I know how to get along as a lone individual, like riding a bicycle, for a little while at least.

I passed the 350 day mark yesterday. I held the email reminder from going out to W. She purposely takes it the wrong way anyway -- she takes it is a reminder not so much of my faithfulness to the M, but her unfaithfulness. I guess that's all my fault too -- whatever.

I am coming up on the one-year mark very quickly. There was a point in earlier months when I entertained the idea of renewing a courtship of W. But it is painfully clear she fully intends to maintain this active hostility against me, forever if she can. She won't so much as open the door even a peep. I could cure cancer and become humanitarian of the year but she will always refuse to see me for who I really am and will not acknowledge my changes.

I consider that to be her loss. (It's just too bad for my S's they too suffer this loss as a result of her self-induced blindness.)
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

Top
#1429071 - 04/28/08 06:10 PM Re: Winner At A Losing Game [Re: NoCodeBlues]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
But it is painfully clear she fully intends to maintain this active hostility against me, forever if she can. She won't so much as open the door even a peep. I could cure cancer and become humanitarian of the year but she will always refuse to see me for who I really am and will not acknowledge my changes.

I consider that to be her loss. (It's just too bad for my S's they too suffer this loss as a result of her self-induced blindness.)



I think she does see your changes most likely but it doesn't matter because this is all about her. You know I went through a guilty period where I felt a lot of the problems were my fault. But then I realized I've made all the changes H wanted plus more, H acknowledges the changes, but he still is with the OW and not interested in the marriage. He's gone b/c he wanted to lead a single life, have a girlfriend, less responsibilities, mid-life crisis and whatever.

I do think it is their loss b/c we are such wonderful people \:\) and eventually they will probably realize they are making a big mistake but we might not care by then!!! \:\) Karen
_________________________
Me 49
D13, S19

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#1429281 - 04/28/08 08:40 PM Re: Winner At A Losing Game [Re: karen43]
fightingirish Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/07
Posts: 2866
Loc: USA
nocodes,

I know you miss them, I can feel that in your post, im so sorry. I would be a insane if I couldn't see my boys all the time. and yours are so young like mine.

It is her loss, and it will be too late before she realizes that. I just hope that there is miracle out there for you.
This doesn't have to anything to do with you, I think she just likes to blame you, this is about her, she is the messed up one, who has to live with herself.

and the kids will suffer for it. Just be the dad I already know you are \:\)
_________________________
me: 37
H: 44
Married for 18 years this june
S7
S3
porn issues, and much more... since 7/06

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

Top
#1432807 - 05/01/08 08:13 PM Re: Winner At A Losing Game [Re: fightingirish]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
I have been pondering a very disturbing development with W that occurred on Saturday. So many things have been happening the last few days that it got glossed over, but I have mentioned it to friends and confidants.

This may seem like a nit I'm picking, but when I called Saturday morning to talk to our S's, as normal, they told me that "Mommy" was taking them fishing -- they were taking my call on the road to a local state park with a lake for the purpose of going fishing.

I touched on this briefly here and here in the DB forums. Basically, I tried to start some father-son activities with my S's last summer, including camping and fishing -- and after having applauded my efforts at first, W began to criticize me and to resist our outings. It came to a head when I took the boys fishing last Labor Day weekend and W had a major conniption fit when she couldn't get a hold of us via cellphone. Some of you will also recall that W has also objected to my plans to begin camping with them on the pretense they're "too young" and can't be kept under control by one lone parent. She argued from the standpoint of child safety, to which I have acquiesced for the sake of peace. I told myself our S's will be old enough to go with me on camping/fishing trips sooner than we realize. Since then W has more than once criticized me for purchasing a tent and a whole bunch of camping equipment when I can't use them with our S's right now (she has become quite accomplished now at being -- pardon the expression -- a b*tch.)

So, I am just stunned upon hearing W was taking our boys on a fishing trip, and without consulting with me first. But if that wasn't hypocritical enough, she then had the unmitigated gall to ask me, at the end of the conversation, about the possibility of "borrowing" my tent and camping gear so she can take our S's camping some time!

I said nothing -- I couldn't, I was so shocked -- and committed to nothing, refusing to even acknowledge what she had just said. If she was baiting me, I was not going there. I could not/can not believe the audacity and total mental disconnect she has been exhibiting.

By commandeering some of my "Daddy role" activities with my S's, I see W's actions as attempts to replace me as their father. While W may say one thing to me about how she would "never" undermine me in my role as father to my S's, her actions speak much louder to the contrary. Even if she never remarries or brings the OM (or some OM) into blatantly replacing me as their father, the message she's sending to our S's is that I am not necessary for that role in their lives.

Am I overreacting?


Edited by NoCodeBlues (05/01/08 08:15 PM)
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

Top
#1432924 - 05/01/08 09:35 PM Re: Winner At A Losing Game [Re: NoCodeBlues]
karen43 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 4886
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
So, I am just stunned upon hearing W was taking our boys on a fishing trip, and without consulting with me first. But if that wasn't hypocritical enough, she then had the unmitigated gall to ask me, at the end of the conversation, about the possibility of "borrowing" my tent and camping gear so she can take our S's camping some time!

I said nothing -- I couldn't, I was so shocked -- and committed to nothing, refusing to even acknowledge what she had just said. If she was baiting me, I was not going there. I could not/can not believe the audacity and total mental disconnect she has been exhibiting.

By commandeering some of my "Daddy role" activities with my S's, I see W's actions as attempts to replace me as their father. While W may say one thing to me about how she would "never" undermine me in my role as father to my S's, her actions speak much louder to the contrary. Even if she never remarries or brings the OM (or some OM) into blatantly replacing me as their father, the message she's sending to our S's is that I am not necessary for that role in their lives.

Am I overreacting?



No I don't think you are overreacting and can see why you would be upset! I think you handled it really well by not letting her bait you (which I have to believe she is either not bright or was trying to bait you). It does seem hypocritical behavior when she is doing the same stuff (fishing) that she criticized you for.

I had asked my C today if my spouse could have mental problems he is so critical, controlling, and full of anger often. And I'm sorry but you know Nocode I often think your spouse is a lot like mine! I def. think mine is in MLC and maybe she is too, and I have to believe it is that which maybe has made them seem kind of crazy sometimes. (My H just has started realizing he will have less money after the divorce b/c he had thought for some reason he would have more money even though we will have twice the expenses?)

I am surprised that she took your S's on a trip without asking you or telling you or whatever. I guess you will have to work that out with your W if you want to be informed, as I would think she would want to know when you are going on trips. Or you can keep each other both in the dark I guess about these things. If she refuses to notify you about her trips I don't think I would reciprocate by keeping her informed about your trips. I guess I'm petty or whatever though!!!

I think maybe you should just look at this as a positive? \:\) You wanted to go fishing & camping with your S's and now obviously your W thinks it is OK by her words & actions. So I would not lend her your camping equipment & instead use it to take your S's camping and fishing!!! \:\) Karen
_________________________
Me 49
D13, S19

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#1432981 - 05/01/08 10:33 PM Re: Winner At A Losing Game [Re: karen43]
LL44 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 5643
I continue to wonder why she is so passive aggressive. The whole fishing thing makes me very ill. How dare she 'one up' you in this regard. I am very sorry nocode. No good will come from confronting her about this, even though I believe your anger is fully justified. She has proven in the past there is no logical reasoning/discussion when it comes to this.

But...guess what? She just gave you the green light to take your boys camping/fishing. If she can do it, you can do it!! Make the plans now!

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#1433179 - 05/02/08 02:03 AM Re: Winner At A Losing Game [Re: LL44]
JoieDeVivre Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/07
Posts: 848
Hypothetical questions here ... does she think she's better qualified to take them camping or does she think she's the more responsible parent? Or both?

Either way, this is extremely hypocritical of her. Sounds like she wants to be in control, at all times or at least have the upper hand.

It's great that you kept your cool about it though. I know you've been struggling with that. Treat her as you would any Tom, Dick or Harriet at the office ... with professionalism and diplomacy.

Back to the camping... I don't think your S7 is too young. S3 may be (depends on where you go) but certainly not for a camping trip in the backyard! Pitch the tent for a night out at home when it gets warmer!

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#1433273 - 05/02/08 05:23 AM Re: Winner At A Losing Game [Re: JoieDeVivre]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Thanks, Joie, Lwb,

Quote:
Hypothetical questions here ... does she think she's better qualified to take them camping or does she think she's the more responsible parent? Or both?


Both. But she's deluding herself.

I do see it as a "green-light" to my original plans. S3 must have really matured in just a year's time, right? ;\)

Our church is inviting families on a camping trip around Memorial Day weekend -- that might offer the best time to try the boys out. W has just precipitated that which she had serious reservations about just this last Fall.

On another note, the mediator sent each of us a rough draft of the Separation Agreement (SA) she has been working on. Sadly, it did not surprise me that the wording was not what I would have liked to have seen. I have read a lot of SA examples and samples in the last month, so I've seen a wide gamut of terms and verbage. W's mediator is preparing a document with wording along the lines I feared she would -- pro-divorce oriented and anti-family, anti-father. The tone of the document is definitely weighted in favor of a wife who wants to divorce her husband. But I would be less concerned with the "form" of the document if it didn't also lack for the right "substance". I don't like the wording about the custody, and I still insist on 50-50 joint and physical custody.

The only good thing I saw in the mediator's version of the SA is that she did not use the word "visitation", like W has repeatedly.

Still, as it stands, I cannot accept this document or this agreement. I am debating now how to break the news to the both of them. I would like to talk to my L first, but I cannot get scheduled before the week after next.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

Top
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