Casting Call: MLC Graduates

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I guess yes, I meant shortly after you left home, mom and dad home? Still young college age?

[favoriteweirdo]

Nope. Nothing that sticks out. I met BFM and started the storybook relationship while in college.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

One size doesn't fit all then... : )

Except a huge blow to your self esteem, just much later in life.

[missmyfriend]

What good does it know why our spouses may be in MLC? I think understanding diffuses anger and compassion can set in. I am not saying acceptance of the actions but compassion and forgiveness.

I agree.
But you can never tell a MLCer that you might have a handle on the underlying cause. Not until a time comes that they come to you and express an awareness of their own. Even then, I'd recommend treading lightly.

That advice is incredibly wise. I want to know why but I have no interest in proving how "intuitive" I am around my W or expecting her to either be aware or willing to discuss why she began the journey. I am more concerned about her than I am about my ego or to have an answer. It is enticing but other things are more important.

[still hoping]

I've often been tempted to suggest to H what his problem is. He's never been the sharpest tool in the shed (one of his charms, actually) and I feel he could use a hint.

In the beginning he did bring up something to the effect of this having to do with his father. When I whole-heartedly agreed, a wall immediately went up and it's been impenetrable since.

Thanks for the reminder to keep my mouth shut.

[AmyC]

What good does it know why our spouses may be in MLC? I think understanding diffuses anger and compassion can set in. I am not saying acceptance of the actions but compassion and forgiveness.

I agree.
But you can never tell a MLCer that you might have a handle on the underlying cause. Not until a time comes that they come to you and express an awareness of their own. Even then, I'd recommend treading lightly.

That advice is incredibly wise. I want to know why but I have no interest in proving how "intuitive" I am around my W or expecting her to either be aware or willing to discuss why she began the journey. I am more concerned about her than I am about my ego or to have an answer. It is enticing but other things are more important.

Any indication that you are "analyzing" her is likely to be met with indignation and maybe even wrath. She will see you as condescending and unable to admit that you could be a part of the problem. She will think you are trying to blame everyone but yourself for the state of your marriage. Your words to the contrary won't matter. She will think you are grasping at straws and in denial. I wouldn't bring it up if I were you. Unless you want to get mauled. Of course, she might be a gentle MLCer. I was abdolutely vicious. The exact opposite of what my husband had known me to be previously. One other thing though - when I was at my absolute worst as far as how I treated him, I cried myself to sleep every night because I didn't understand what the hell was wrong with me. But every morning, I woke up pissed off and wanting to get away all over again.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

It seems to go one of two ways:

"You're having an MLC."

1) No WAY! I just hate you.

2) You're right! This can justify all the bad crap I've been doing or will do.

Either way... not much good.

[missmyfriend]

..One other thing though - when I was at my absolute worst as far as how I treated him, I cried myself to sleep every night because I didn't understand what the hell was wrong with me. But every morning, I woke up pissed off and wanting to get away all over again.

Thanks Amy. I can't say that is how my W feels but it does help to know that there is that tug of war going on by hearing it from someone who has been there.

[favoriteweirdo]

or 3. You read too much psycho-babble sh!t.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

: )

I don't think the majority of people here on the board who actually told their spouse they were having an MLC would recommend it.