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#1400662 - 03/26/08 03:46 PM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: hopeforfuture]
christarn Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/07
Posts: 827
Loc: The Cornfields of Illinois!
I am also a WAW, I will get my thread moved over shortly...currently I am posting under newbies!! My H, goes and comes. One minute he seems to want to get close to me...then he retreats for weeks. It's soooo frustrating. I am really happy to see this forum open! Thanks! \:\)

Christa
_________________________
H-32
Me-29
T-10years
M-4yr (10/04)
Me- WAW 1/07
I filed for D 2/07
D put on hold 5/07
H re-files for D 9/08
WOW! trying MC 10/08

"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"

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#1416065 - 04/14/08 02:27 AM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: christarn]
bearsfan45 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/08/07
Posts: 182
Greeings Christa. First let me say that I hope that things work out for you and your H. Can you tell me how long you were a WAW before you started to think twice? I am in a similar situation and the only thing preventing divorce in my sit right now is she does not have the money to pay for the court fee. She said she probably won't have it until the end of the year but I'm not betting on it.Any other words of wisdom from your sit would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time. Peace.

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#1447528 - 05/16/08 06:32 AM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: sgctxok]
smartcookie Offline
Member

Registered: 05/04/08
Posts: 2978
Hi, I was ready to end my marriage last summer. He FINALLY recognized how he was treating me, he apologized, & said he'd spent the rest of his life making it up to me if I gave him the chance.

It's been a bizarre emotional rollercoaster for 12 months now. I'm posting over in newbies, I just found this site a couple weeks ago. It's been a very valuable resource & I'm grateful for it.
_________________________
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months
4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10
I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.

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#1457044 - 05/25/08 01:56 AM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: smartcookie]
Forrest Gump Offline
Member

Registered: 07/18/07
Posts: 2548
All right sgctxok.

You said you were OK with me tasking you.

This forum here.. should be for the WAS.

I wanted to post here when I first showed up. I was wrong. This is supposed to be a place where the WAS can vent. Get the support they need. This should be the place they can do that. It's not.

For this forum to be effective it needs to be moderated. It needs to be a "safe" place. It's not.

I want it to be. Everybody needs support.

I just don't think this forum does what it is supposed to do.

How do we change it?
_________________________
Relax
Eat
Think
Act normal
React.. Smartly.
Do something different.
Emulate.
Do Work.

Lets get "RETARDED" in here.



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#1457531 - 05/25/08 07:13 PM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: Forrest Gump]
christarn Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/07
Posts: 827
Loc: The Cornfields of Illinois!
Originally Posted By: Forrest Gump

This forum here.. should be for the WAS.

I wanted to post here when I first showed up. I was wrong. This is supposed to be a place where the WAS can vent. Get the support they need. This should be the place they can do that. It's not.

For this forum to be effective it needs to be moderated. It needs to be a "safe" place. It's not.

I want it to be. Everybody needs support.

I just don't think this forum does what it is supposed to do.

How do we change it?



Great job tasking FG!! I agree with your statement. I do feel "safe" here most of the time. I think...my 2 cents... a lot of LBS post here...to get feed back from the few of us WAWs that are open and honest. I don't feel the moderators give feedback here near as much as they do on other forums...again my 2 cents...I think most of the LBS's just want to understand or get a read on WTF their S is doing and why...so they post here...there are not to many of us WAW's that are really open and give feedback...at least on this forum...I think there may be 2or 3 that I have seen. Thanks for coming over to our little group and trying to help...much appreciated!!

Hugs 2 you!! ;\)
When r u going to FG my sitch??? hehehe
Christarn
_________________________
H-32
Me-29
T-10years
M-4yr (10/04)
Me- WAW 1/07
I filed for D 2/07
D put on hold 5/07
H re-files for D 9/08
WOW! trying MC 10/08

"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"

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#1464896 - 06/01/08 03:38 PM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: christarn]
Bridgestone Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 1037
Hi
I am a Walk-away Wife. I am 43, he is 46. I have been emotionally separated from my husband of 22 years for about 3 years and physically for a year.

At the time I left him him, he was a work-aholic, angry, verbally abusive, starting physical abuse (towards me only) man. I did not leave for another man, I left so there could be a 'me' to continue living, to continue being a 'mom' to our kids, to be a daughter to my parents, and friend to my friends. That person was in danger of disappearing emotionally & with the abuse escalating, disappearing physically.

I have low self-esteem from being raised by 2 OCD parents, as the oldest child, perfectionistic tendancies run deep in me, which were compounded by my parents unrealistic expectations & low tolerance for failure. I self-silence my needs & emotions, because of lack of trust in those I love to meet them for me, & belief that 'how could I possibly be worth it?' I understand that about myself & have been working on it in counseling for over a year and a half now.

My husband & I were HS sweethearts, each others 'first & only' and we were engaged by ages 19/22 & married by 20/23. At the time we were each others best friend.

I am pursuing a graduate degree at a university multiple hours away and working a full-time job which provides most of the day-to-day family living expenses and the all important health insurance.

His '75hour a week job' is part-owner in and managing the family-owned business, in which we have most of our savings & investments (outside my job-related retirement account). He has no steady income that comes to the family, as what is made from the business is reinvested back into it in order to make it grow. When extra expenses (vacations, car repairs, etc) arise, the business covers them. We do not own our own home, it is part of the family business that we rent it from, that part which is still owned by other members of his his family.

We have two kids early & late teens. One is leaving for college this fall. While not happy about the situation, they want happiness for both of their parents & hope that we can find it. The oldest understand both of his parents well enough to see the issues we both bring to the table & why this relationship is rocky. He understands his fathers abuse as he too has bore the brunt of the words from when he was little on. He understands my perfectionism, as he has bore the brunt of that from me as well. He is supportive of both of us, without being too judgemental, too often towards either of us.

The youngest is sad, but as she said early in the separation, she sees more of her dad now then when we were 'married'. That broke my heart & I am sure his as well. But as they say, from the mouths of babes.

I have been on DB since before I left in June of 2007. We did marriage counseling for 4 months, but when he continued to choose the job over going to counseling, I quit. He never did any DB'ing, when I first left.

In fact he did just the opposite, everything DB'ing tells you not to do. He called my friends and told them lies about why I left, he called me at all hours of the day & night, tried getting into my house, kept swinging between angry & despair, then dumping those feelings onto me & not taking any responsibility for the situation at all. It did exactly what they say it does.. pushed me even further away even faster.

In the past 6 months, we have begun talking and communicating better than we have in 20 years, if ever. I will try to answer questions that are asked respectfully, to share as best I can what is working for us and the things that changed for both of us, in order for this to occur.

We are still separated physically, although we see each other almost daily and talk on the phone multiple times a day.

I will not tolerate flamers or those who want to take me to task for being the WAW. You have not walked a mile in my shoes. If you feel the need to have someone to take your anger about your situation out on, look in the mirror and tell it to them.

As I said earlier, I will try as best I can to answer respectful questions to share a perspective from a WAS viewpoint.
_________________________
Divorced 03/2010
Mom to two amazing kids

Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

http://tinyurl.com/ybqkan8 = Current Thread


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#1469437 - 06/05/08 12:59 AM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: Bridgestone]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/28/07
Posts: 11314
Hi Bridgestone,

Just want to say welcome. I have always wanted a place for the WAW's. Most people here are not too hard on us, in fact, the LBH usually want to get our POV on things.

I admire your spunk! Don't take crap off of anyone. I really am impressed with what you have done with your life. Who knows, maybe he has his wake-up call and will become that man you fell in love with.....or else you can love again afresh.

I'm afraid I was the bad guy in my story. I didn't completely walk away, but was very close. But, mine was not as "repsectful" as yours....if that is a nice way to say it.

Anyway, glad you are here with us and you will have friends anytime you need to look us up and pour out any frustrations.

Take care,
Sandi2
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#1473655 - 06/09/08 03:10 AM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: sandi2]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/28/07
Posts: 11314
Hi Bridgestone,

Just dropping by to see how you are. Hope you won't stop posting.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#1473711 - 06/09/08 04:13 AM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: sandi2]
Bridgestone Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 1037
Hi Sandi2
Thanks for checking... a good week-end with H this week-end. I surprised him with tickets to a comedy club Friday night, it was relaxing, no R talk, just laughs & a couple drinks. Conversation was light and all in all a good night.

He agreed today to go back to counseling without pushing the "we have to be married first" issue. But working as friends on communication and emotional safety.

He was here this afternoon (to take DD to a movied) and actually suggested he vacuum up the dog hair in the sunroom, without prompting from me, stepped up and 'parented' our daughter who was being 'snippy' with me about doing dishes. Both of which were rarely done pre-WA.

I noted my appreciation with a friendly one-armed hug and smile & that I noticed his changes, and that I appreciated it very much.

But as I noted in one posting a while back last week... it depends on which H shows up. Consistancy & regularity... we'll see.

thanks!
_________________________
Divorced 03/2010
Mom to two amazing kids

Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

http://tinyurl.com/ybqkan8 = Current Thread


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#1473734 - 06/09/08 04:45 AM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: Bridgestone]
lodo Offline
Member

Registered: 11/30/07
Posts: 2063
Loc: west coast
Hey bridgestone,

Just dropping by to say hello as well. Glad the good H showed up rather than the evil twin H.

so I was posting with gForce earlier and I'm curious - do you remember when you were first getting attracted to H and you could have stayed up all night lying on the floor with him and talking about hopes, dreams, fantasies? That whole attraction phase of your R? Do you think it's possible to ever recapture that in some fashion when you've been with your spouse for a long time? If so, how (realistically speaking) - I mean, if it were up to you to drive things towards that goal, what would you do to start the ball rolling?

lodo
_________________________
Divorced: 10/26/08

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