Hey everyone! Well, ole chatty cathy here has locked another one. Recap:
BF unhappy since last May, but would only say "I'm tired". He became more withdrawn since his Dad died 2 years before, but by last August, he looked depressed. Late August he muttered that he was unhappy and wanted "space". We talked for 2 days and then he wouldnt anymore. 2 weeks later, he moved out for 2 weeks as he said he "wasnt sure we had a future together". I was very shocked as I had no idea it was this serious. He refused to discuss it at all. He said, its my life and my desicion to make, I dont want to be influenced. A week away from me and he broke his wrist, so he came home and I cared for him for 6 weeks. We got on fine, but no mention of the decision he had been mulling over. He still refused to talk. He went back to work and then 3 weeks later, on November 2nd, he came home and announced the following...
I'm not depressed, I havent got depression, its me and you, I dont love you anymore, my feelings have changed for good and I'm leaving you. I cant explain or give reasons, this is just the right thing for me. I know its selfish and its the opposite of what you want, but I'm 100% sure this is right for me. I'm absolutely certain. I know, deep, deep down that my feelings have changed. I've got more confidence now where I didnt have any before. I just want to draw a line under it and move on, put the past behind me. I'd rather start afresh with someone new than try and fix it. My feelings have changed, these things happen, not all love lasts forever. This is all my doing, I really dont think it has anything to do with you, how you behaved or the way you are, please dont blame yourself or beat yourself up. He said he wasnt depressed and isnt going to just snap out of it. In fact, he emailed me to say that.
Fast forward to March and he finally admits that he IS depressed, that he probably had been for some years (as you know he said) and that he is on antidepressants and is going for counselling. He told me all of this on Thursday...then went skiing with a bunch of mates. Back Sunday.
I'm feeling nervous about him coming back tommorow. I've been looking at my chart and...bad news...I have a triple Saturn transit coming up opposing my Sun. This is not good! My BF has been under Saturn transits that have tipped him into depression, and those dont move away for good until August - and thats when my Saturn transit kicks in ! Great! I just had a testing time for the previous year. Damn planets :-)
I feel good about my cinema idea. I'm beginning to think, what will be will be, and I have learnt SO much about myself through all this and realise I was deluded to previously think I was a pretty sorted out person. I can see exactly where I went wrong in my R (and definetly where he has gone wrong, he has been so fearful of really letting go and letting himself be loved as essentially he feels unlovable and doesnt love himself).
Ali x ______________ Me: 36 H: 34 T: 9 years IDLYA: 2 Nov 07 Own flat: 26 Jan 08 will he reconnect?
This is unbelieveable--wow, you have so nailed it almost exactly what my W. has said and how she has presented. I know I've said that before, but this summary is incredible!
I'm convinced there is an MLC training school out there that our WAS's have attended and graduated from--with honours.
I'm quite a bit more optimistic about your sitch and BF here. The main thing is that it is so significant he is getting medical and counselling intervention. He is able to name the depression piece also, which starts to help him identify that this is a lot about his own experiences. Remember that when people are depressed, they see the world through a distorted lens, and that when they recover and heal through it, things become a lot more balanced. I'm willing to bet if he sticks with things, he's going to be able to be more vulnerable with you, not less.
I for one hope that he is able to make progress so he can start to see how much he is missing out on with you!!!
I think it's also healthy that you are taking some room for yourself to reflect on things, like what you would need from him also.
Hang in there, Ali. I don't think this is done yet.
Wow, really Purr!?? I think you are my twin in another life or something! Actually, I was wondering if you were a Piscean. The latest song lyrics you posted would point to alot of Piscean planets in your chart!
Did your W say all these things too? She is also teary and weepy and I think, struggling more than she lets on to you. Yes, I was amazed that he fell apart so quickly without me propping him up as I had done the past decade. I just wish he would come home, so I can just be there for him, even if we are still not together and he sleeps in the spare room or something. The biggest factor to help you beat depression is a loving R. Ho hum! I can see he had to leave me to get to this point though, so that is positive. And I have learnt so much and snapped out of so many bad behaviours and thats positive too. In fact, I think this is all positive and we could have a solid and happy future..if only he would come back !! Oh well.
Its Sunday...I'm expecting him to be back in our hometown sometime this evening I guess. He said he'd let me know when hes back there...so we'll see if he texts me this evening. Nervous!
Still thinking about doing the brown-black hairdye, but I'm not sure, I'm a bit pale and I may end up looking like a necrophiliacs dream date! Although the plan is to then try tonging it, a bit like...Katie Melua
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
You are sounding a lot better! I think he is going to need space for a while, but he knows you are there. Patience!
How dark is your hair now? I can see being a bit leery of the black dye, though if there is still a touch of brown I think it is ok. Just black strikes me as a bit Elvira ish! Witchlike!
Hey guys..yes, well my hair is mid browny reddish at the moment (more brown than red though), so it would be a dramatic change! Its not black, or blue black as they call those dyes, it is brown black, but yes it could end up looking a bit witchy as opposed to bewitching!! I need to think about it.
I'm not so sure I am doing that well, but thanks Jeff! Having a bit of a lonely day. Everyone is with family and friends, but I'm sat here alone. My parents havent even called! They are very wrapped up in one another and thats why it was so hard when my BF left. I got unconditional love from him. Says alot that I am here by myself when I could be home for the weekend with them, but they end up shouting at me (and each other) whenever I do go home, becuase anger is normal for them. Not all the time, there are laughs too!
My Dad was angry at my BF for abandoning me here in this situation after giving up my career and home. But it wasnt his fault, that was my choice (although I did it with the assumption we'd be together!). But since he knows he's depressed, he offered to talk to him as a father, which is very sweet. I need to tell my BF this sometime, as my Dad meant alot to him and so that he knows he is still accepted by my family.
I wonder if he will contact me at all ...Feeling a bit worried to be honest, on tenderhooks.
Ali
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
You are killing me! Just when I get caught up w/ your sitch, you close up another thread. Oh, well. I've found you again and I agree w/ everyone that you are doing very well.
Your new question of "will he reconnect?" is a good one. The unfortunate thing is nobody knows the answer, not even your BF right now. All you can do is continue on working on yourself and let things happen as they will. As Jeff said, patience is your key. In fact, it is the key for us all.
I was hoping to comment on something Kalni said in your last thread:
Quote:
We love them, want them back and we decided we will not date, have sex, flirt even. Can anybody explain to me WHY is that? Why can't we have some fun in the meantime? WHY, WHY, WHY?
Essie responded w/ the dangers of getting into an EA which would mean your DB would be basically finished as you'd have a lot of trouble getting back on course. I completely agree with her.
If you want to date, have fun, even have sex, you can, but you absolutely can not allow yourself to get emotionally involved as long as you are still holding out hope that you'll be able to save (or in my case) re-do your marriage at any time in the future.
However, I will say that if you can keep emotions out of it, then go ahead. I've thought a lot about it myself, but I'm very careful to figure out what I'm looking for. I would want companionship and someone to do something fun w/ now and again. If I do start to go out, I'd be careful to keep expectations low and would stop and closely have to re-evaluate the relationship if anything would appear to be building.
So, to all of us out there, it is a very slippery slope, but it is one that we've all considered at least once, I'm sure. Do we do it or not? The answer will completely depend on how strong we are emotionally. If we can keep it at the level it is and not allow ourselves to get sucked in as an attempt to heal our broken hearts, then there is nothing wrong with it. But, if we're not strong enough to do this, then we should all avoid it at all costs.
Just my $0.02 on the subject for all the ladies (and us few men) to ponder as we continue to work through this w/ friends in cyber-space, but alone w/ ourselves on a daily basis.
Hang in there everyone. We'll get things done one way or another.
Hey, Ali. I'm not sure I jacked the thread or not b/c this subject was discussed by a lot of people after K brought it up. If I did, sorry about that. I guess the statement (I forget who posted it) of "this is where everyone just wants to hang out") is pretty accurate about this thread.
(((((Ali))))) If you ended up looking like Katie, it couldn't be an awful thing!
RTL, I will join your little hijack! I think you are really spot on about the slippery slope. The other thing that I always run into is consideration for the "innocent" party that gets involved. How can you be really honest and fair to them, if you are still committed to the relationship that brought you here? That said, if an actual real life situation presented itself, all of the previous consideration might go out the window. Which is why I generally have to say, you are better not to put yourself in situations where those "opportunities" are likely to present themselves. Of course, none of this prevents me from flirting a bit with my good friends here! Hi (((((Ali)))))! And (((((Lisa)))))! And (((((Kalni)))))! Does wonders for the self image!
Just when I get caught up w/ your sitch, you close up another thread. Oh, well. I've found you again and I agree w/ everyone that you are doing very well.