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tTD180 mine called this am, been a week, called to see if the boys were home but they weren't , not sure why he didn't call their cells first, I answered very cheerfully, no, they're at the deli, pause, H "ok" me "ok bye!" And hung up. Trying to go dark but not sure if I should engage him on the phone a little or just answer his questions and leave it at that?
I'm confused as to what is too cool and too much


M 16 T 20
M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15
Bomb drop April 4;
Moved out April 13
D started-full force
-----------------------
Dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and
you’re gonna hear me ROAR
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TTD180
How long have you not been engaging him? Are you feeling its time to start?


M 16 T 20
M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15
Bomb drop April 4;
Moved out April 13
D started-full force
-----------------------
Dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and
you’re gonna hear me ROAR
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Posts: 2,070
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Whiterose, you make me laugh in a good way smile I wish I had the guts to say to my H, ok bye, lol. I break sandi's rules every time, I always engage in chit chat with my H.
The only time I feel it's time to start engaging properly with him is when he says I want to come home! Even then I want to take it slowly this time, let him date me again, talk a lot and find out what his issues are!
I've not been engaging with him as much when he announced he wanted a D, which was about a month ago! He's been gone 3 months now and for the first 2 months I didn't know about DB or DR or I would've started to disengage sooner smile
As it was, I thought that we were getting closer, he came round for meals, I let him have a bath as he's only got a shower at his, I even gave him a massage when his back was sore. Then a week later he tells me he wants a D! I felt like I'd been hit with a brick! I asked him if he'd delay the D until I'd finished my college course, he said no because he'd arranged to meet the lawyer that week. He went for a job interview on the monday and expected me to ring him to see how he had got on. Because I didn't ring him, he came round on Weds to tell me he's delayed it for a month as he thought I wasn't talking to him. Too right mate! He's not mentioned D since and I've not brought it up, so it's back to being a mind reader again!


H47 me48
T22 M21
S20 - Got high functioning autism
3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her
11/2000 H moves back home
2/4/13 H moves out
H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
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Great job, tryingToDo180. Keep in mind that he wants the D, not you. Do not lift a finger or help him in any way regarding the D. Make him do it all by himself if he wants to. Do not accommodate the him and help him with the D. Just lovingly detach and let him know that a D is not what you want and that your choice is to keep your family together.

Great job again,

BKS


M46 W45 T12 M10 S9 D4
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BKS #2369918 07/23/13 02:54 AM
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Well, TTD180, if I can make you laugh it's a good thing:)

I 100% agree do not lift a finger to help. My H has been gone just over three months and I told him a month later that if he wanted a D he would have to do it. His response? "Well, fine if you want me to be the [censored]!" (In my head REALLY BUDDY!?!?!")
He's come by to get past tax returns for his lawyer and the first time I tried talking to him, and although I know he heard me, he didn't seem to care. A few days later I got an email saying he grabbed the wrong stuff (which I knew because I saw what he grabbed) can he come by and can pull it? Ummmmmmmm yes and no. I told him I had been pretty clear I was not helping him destroy our family and our life.....he came by and as he was leaving under his breath said "I couldn't find what I needed" (in my head, YEAH cause this is the stuff I do and you've never touched!) and all I said was "have a good night H" and he just turned and walked away.

I think I read in one of the feeds that they do this back and forth thing where they seem to come closer and then get scared or the anger resurfaces and then they can sometimes slowly come back......do you think that's where he's at?

Take good care......you're doing great!


M 16 T 20
M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15
Bomb drop April 4;
Moved out April 13
D started-full force
-----------------------
Dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and
you’re gonna hear me ROAR
BKS #2369957 07/23/13 07:59 AM
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Originally Posted By: BKS
Great job, tryingToDo180. Keep in mind that he wants the D, not you. Do not lift a finger or help him in any way regarding the D. Make him do it all by himself if he wants to. Do not accommodate the him and help him with the D. Just lovingly detach and let him know that a D is not what you want and that your choice is to keep your family together.

Great job again,

BKS


Thanks BKS smile I'm not going to contact a lawyer until I receive a letter from his solicitor and even then my one is through a charity so it won't be costing me a penny smile
I'm hoping he already knows that I don't want the D and I want our family back together. I have made that perfectly clear to him. The day he told me he wanted a D, I did everything that DB tells us not to do. I begged, pleaded, said I'd changed, etc. The only thing I didn't do is cry in front of him, I think I was too shocked to!


H47 me48
T22 M21
S20 - Got high functioning autism
3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her
11/2000 H moves back home
2/4/13 H moves out
H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
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Originally Posted By: Whiterose
Well, TTD180, if I can make you laugh it's a good thing:)

I 100% agree do not lift a finger to help. My H has been gone just over three months and I told him a month later that if he wanted a D he would have to do it. His response? "Well, fine if you want me to be the *********!" (In my head REALLY BUDDY!?!?!")
He's come by to get past tax returns for his lawyer and the first time I tried talking to him, and although I know he heard me, he didn't seem to care. A few days later I got an email saying he grabbed the wrong stuff (which I knew because I saw what he grabbed) can he come by and can pull it? Ummmmmmmm yes and no. I told him I had been pretty clear I was not helping him destroy our family and our life.....he came by and as he was leaving under his breath said "I couldn't find what I needed" (in my head, YEAH cause this is the stuff I do and you've never touched!) and all I said was "have a good night H" and he just turned and walked away.

I think I read in one of the feeds that they do this back and forth thing where they seem to come closer and then get scared or the anger resurfaces and then they can sometimes slowly come back......do you think that's where he's at?

Take good care......you're doing great!


Thanks Whiterose smile I don't know where my H is at because he confuses me with what he is thinking. I don't know if he just wants to be friends or he is starting to get close again.
He does get a bit closer then distances himself again. I just remain 180ing.
I don't think I would've mentioned the D to your H at all. Do you have to D after 3 months of living apart where you live? I've never mentioned D to my H, he just brought it up out of the blue one day.


H47 me48
T22 M21
S20 - Got high functioning autism
3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her
11/2000 H moves back home
2/4/13 H moves out
H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
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Posts: 866
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Hi

"I don't think I would've mentioned the D to your H at all. Do you have to D after 3 months of living apart where you live? I've never mentioned D to my H, he just brought it up out of the blue one"

No, we need to be separated one year before the divorce can go through, unless there is adultery or abuse then right away, I don't have to sign the final document though-a judge can do that on my behalf three months after the year. He has stared proceedings so that, I assume, he can finalize at one year


M 16 T 20
M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15
Bomb drop April 4;
Moved out April 13
D started-full force
-----------------------
Dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and
you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 866
W
Member
Offline
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Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 866
TTD180
I just had a thought.....do you think you're confused with his thoughts because he's not sure of what he wants? Since I'm so new here im doing a lot of reading through here and some posters mention that friends is a good place to start and he can begin to trust and eventually find his love for you again.
I think you're continuing to do 180 is great and hoping that he can find his way back


M 16 T 20
M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15
Bomb drop April 4;
Moved out April 13
D started-full force
-----------------------
Dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and
you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 2,070
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Thanks for your support Whiterose smile I hope that if we still stay friends then we might get closer again. Who knows!
I rang him today as the conservatory roof was leaking. We had a flash flood this morning and he said to ring him if any water gets in. He answered the phone said hello and then the line went dead. I rang him back and it just rang and rang. I was unsure whether or not to phone him today, but I wish I hadn't now as it's just left me feeling cheesed off! When he has work, he leaves his phone in the car, he never ignores the phone on purpose he always rings me back. Trouble is he'll probably ring me back about 11pm and he can't do anything about the roof then!
All I've got to say is, it's a good job it wasn't a real emergency! It really annoys me when he doesn't have his phone with him. I think I'll have to ignore the phone if he rings after 11pm!!


H47 me48
T22 M21
S20 - Got high functioning autism
3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her
11/2000 H moves back home
2/4/13 H moves out
H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
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