She said that she didn't want to talk about it, she just needed time to think about her feelings.
it just sounds to me like you are pushing to hard. She will talk about things when she wants to. You can be understanding and be there for her by doing. Once again, you've told her, so now you don't need to repeat it. Just show her by your actions now.
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...hurt again by me and that she has major doubts...
two thoughts. 1) BY ME...this isn't all about you. You can only work on yourself by GAL, 180's, etc. You cannot control her. But this in no way is just about you. That took me forever to learn. You cannot blame yourself. You can see your mistakes and work on them, but quitting is their fault. Furthermore, they are not perfect either...it's both spouses responsibility to make it work. 2) you are very much worried about her especially when you say major...that sounds very negative. You need to realize that you are doing fine. You just need to relax. Enjoy the time you spend together and stop pushing so hard. You didn't get into this mess in one day, and you aren't getting out in one either.
Your right, its not all about me, but all I see right now is my failures and my problems. I am working on them and that is all I can do. I have turned my life over to God and I want to get back on the path that He has for me!
We talked last night and we very honest with each other. She wants to feel the way she should, but she doesn't. She asked for time alone to think about things and I told her that was fine. She spent last night at her sisters. I don't think she knows what she wants, but she is just not happy with herself right now. Like you said, a lot of this is about her, not me. I have made changes and now she has to decide what she is going to do. You and I both know that if she leaves without addressing those issues, she will still not be happy. I am just going to let her go for now and just be there and really GAL and keep my distance. I am going to be ok now. I still worry about her, but its out of my hands. I have myself and the kids to work on and that will keep me busy for the summer!
She wants you around with the affection, etc... you just need to not push. Be there. But not always there so to speak. Do GAL but I wouldn't go out of my way of not being there. You are right you can work on yourself and put God first.
Me, well not nearly as good as you...after hour and 20 minute somewhat positive phone conversation last night, W completely changed topic and said, "I am happy for you. It really bothers me you are still wearing your ring. You need to let go." I responded after a long pause, "I am sorry you feel that way. I did not call to talk about us. I called for blah blah..." So, I don't know how to take it. My response is a 180. My DB coach says I am teetering on stage 2 - Friendship...I just don't know when she brings up ring stuff...at least no D or get stuff talk - no opportunity with my response and then ending the call first. I posted some of it in my current and will put the long version in solution journal later. If you'd like to chime, feel free...I'd greatly appreciate any thoughts.
I wish I could say something that would help, but you are way better at this than I am right now. It sounds to me like you are already doing all you can. I had a friend tell me that I was being way more undestanding than most men would and I think the same thing could be said about you. You are an inspiration.
...I was being way more undestanding than most men would...
be careful listening to your well intentioned "friends". They do not want to see you get hurt anymore. But they invalidate your desire to healing your R/M and tell you to move on. Just like friend of mine. Said give up after 3 months or something, said the same thing about way more understanding, tried as hard as you could, no one will think, blah blah...
I have been giving her time to think.... That's what she asked for. I asked her last night if she was getting plenty of time to think and she said yes and it was helping. We are going out on a "date" night Friday so we will see. I am honestly getting worn down by all this, but I am trying to stay strong!
ummm...I personally am doing well. I think sitch is getting friendlier. I feel as if we are getting closer to stage 2 of friendship if not right on the cusp of it. Coach said teetering 3 weeks ago. Now cusp, in my opinion. I think her calling for no reason will be the tell tale sign. I also feel she pulled back last week, but back on the up swing this week. Posted a bit in my current, going to work on the novel in the journal later if you want to chime in...
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I asked her last night if she was getting plenty of time to think...
It sounded like you are bringing up R stuff. Like I said before, don't bring R or M up unless she does. It sounds like you are doing well but you say you are "worn out by this". That tells me that you are mostly focused on sitch. Which is good, however, you should do some things for yourself. GAL, do you have kids? Do something with them. Yes, you are striving to save things, but part of saving things will be to make yourself feel better. This is something you can do by yourself. Find happiness in yourself. Do something different. Sing some church songs, go visit someone, go contact lost friend. Do something that your focus is not primarily on your sitch...you'll feel good about things and simultaneously be giving her the space she asks for.
Also, you have a date Friday...this is great. Be "as if" and enjoy your time, remember she is in charge. So, don't push for what "you" want. Just enjoy your time. Just be apart of it.
To be honest, I have GAL and have been trying to get things settled and to get me back where I need to be. Now that I have done that, it just seems like we are spinning our wheels. She has told me that she is going to work here again next year, but I have found out that she has made an application at a school over an hour and a half away. She talked about doing that early on, but has since changed her mind, or so I thought. It just seems like she is "playing me" until school is out and she is able to do something else. That really upsets me, but I have not said anything to her about it. I am just trying to be here without pushing like we have talked about. The problem is that I feel like I have given a lot the past 8 months and she has done nothing but be cold and hatefull. How much further do I have to go before I say enough is enough???
I am trying to stay strong, but its getting harder and harder. Its just hard to live with someone that you love and are so attracted to only to know they don't want you. Its like its rubbed in my face every night.
I know I am supposed to love her unconditionally, but its just getting harder to do with each passing day. I think my heart is getting hard toward her and I don't like it.
so you are done with yourself? I think you just are feeling better about yourself. I am almost 8 months into this, and still doing to better myself. I feel better and I have thought many times I am "healed now". Always work in progress. "we"...you need to remember she is "driving the car"
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She has told me that she is going to work here again next year, but I have found out that she has made an application at a school over an hour and a half away. She talked about doing that early on, but has since changed her mind, or so I thought.
two thoughts, this may be her confusion. It also sounds like spying. Doesn't help you to know this information. It makes you feel differently about her. And then you talk about upset, playing me, done lots, her cold, hateful, been there done all of that...you have to let all of that anger go and love her anyhow.
You have to get off the rollercoaster and by that I mean you cannot let her actions dictate how you are feeling that "day".
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Its just hard to live with someone that you love and are so attracted to only to know they don't want you.
umm...you have it a whale of a lot better than most on here, you should really be able to illustrate 180's, etc while at home. If you think it is hard to live with, try living without, I imagine you'll prefer your sitch. Further positive for you. If she didn't want you at all, I guarantee one of you would already have drawn that line.
Time, patience, and consistency, it took a long time to get where you are. You will not fix this in a day. It will take a long time to get it straight. Just settle down and enjoy your good times, avoid awkwardness...
