I started last week after finding this site to back off. After reading the book, I really did a 180 and started doing things for myself and GAL. Well, I can already see the signs....
Last night I was leaving the house to take my D to basketball practice when my W pulled up. I waved and started to get in the truck. Instead of going on in the house like she usually does, she came over to the truck, so I stopped and talked. I could tell something was different. We talked for just a short time and I left telling her we needed to get to practice. (ending the conversation before she did). When we got home, she had dinner ready and we all ate. She commented on how good the bedroom looked (I had done some cleaning) and left to get a few things at the store. When she got back, the kids and I were folding laundry, so she helped. I got the impression all evening that she really was having second thoughts. Just the way she acted.. I just watched tv, took a shower and went to be. I told her the normal good night and that was it.
This morning, she came in the bedroom to the masterbath and started her water. Then, she got in bed for a few min while the water ran. I held her for a few seconds and then rolled over, not to give too much. This is the first time she has gotten in bed with me in over two weeks!!!!! I didn't say anything and just kept my normal conversation the rest of the morning. She said bye to me 3 times before she left. Very good signs!
The point is, I changed my attitude and my approach toward her. Its working, so I am keeping with it and watching my goals to adjust as needed. Just had to tell someone!!!
That is awesome! It it amazing when you see how little changes in what we usually do can make a difference. Don't get discouraged if there is any backslide...cause that can happen too! Remember, the Divorce Busting coaches are available to help support you and figure out the best techniques to use in getting your marriage back on track. Take care. Karen
Well, it happened quicker than I thought, but I am not too discouraged... See, right now she gets upset when our friends talk to me about stuff. I am not sure why but she has this, your friend/my friend syndrome instead of our friends. So she got upset last night and this morning because our friends had talked to me about some things instead of talking to her. Again, the fog talking. But instead of getting into it with her and going back and forth, I just told her that I had text him and he was returning my question and left it at that. She tried to prod me a couple times during the morning, but I ignored it. I have learned that if I let her alone, she usually cools off. We'll see how it goes tonight.... Small steps!
Well, last night she wanted to talk, so we did. I stayed calm the entire time!! She basically tried to hurt me as much as possible, saying that she didn't love me and never would, wished she had left a long time ago, etc. We discussed my MLC and of course she said that she wasn't going through that. She did admit that she was depressed a lot, but that she could not be happy with me.
But here is the main thing I wanted to share and get input on. First, she says that I have turned her freinds against her. We have mutual friends that were divorced and are now getting back together. They have been very supportive of us over this time. She started talking to them about us first and then I did too. Nice to have someone that you can vent and ask questions of. Basically, since they are both telling her that she should work on the M, then they are taking my side and therefore I have turned them against her. I told her that maybe they know first hand how it works and are telling her what they thing is in our best interest... She didn't buy it.
Second, she tells me that for 15 years that I was not the husband I should have been and didn't have her as my high prioritty. I agreed because that is accurate. Then she tells me that for the past year and a half I have been the husband that I should have always been and that she always wanted. She actually said that! Now she is mad at me and mad at herself I guess for putting up with me for 15 years. But she won't just enjoy the change and work on our M together. She did say that a leopard never changes and that I would go back. I said that I wouldn't, that it had been 19 months now and that I had made some life altering changes that would stick this time.
I stopped the discussion by saying that our friends and I care a lot about her and are here for her when she is ready. This morning she seemed to be in a good mood and I complemented her on how she looked. She said thank you. Small steps! But they go both ways I guess.
right now she gets upset when our friends talk to me about stuff...She tried to prod me a couple times during the morning, but I ignored it. I have learned that if I let her alone, she usually cools off.
It might be that she doesn't want you talking about her with others. Regardless, I am sure completely ignoring it is not going to be your answer. She was definitely bothered by it because it was on her mind the next morning. If you are going to talk to people about "stuff" find someone that is not a mutual friend. It justs sets you back. She will end up pushing those friends away because they invalidate her and her feelings. Perhaps, just post/vent here. Might want to reread well-meaning friends section in DR book. You get some bad advice. They just don't know you and your sitch, no matter how much you tell them and how much they know. They are not qualified.
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I told her that maybe they know first hand how it works and are telling her what they thing is in our best interest... She didn't buy it.
sounds pursuing and invalidates her feelings. The friends my WAW had before separation she never contacts now. Think about it for a second, a friend, family member whatever is going to convince her to do something different...I just don't believe it.
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Now she is mad at me and mad at herself I guess for putting up with me for 15 years...She did say that a leopard never changes and that I would go back. I said that I wouldn't, that it had been 19 months now and that I had made some life altering changes that would stick this time.
My WAW is mad like that for seeing my changes, acknowledges them, blah blah, she has said that in 5-10 years she'll have to be there for 5D when I go back to whatever. All of that is to say you wife is not convinced. You just need to be consistent and patient. In 19 months, you undoubtly made some changes, were you consistent? Doesn't sound like she is convinced. Also, "would stick this time"...sounds like you've tried before and dropped the ball on something important to you and her also.
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saying that our friends and I care a lot about her and are here for her when she is ready.
be careful how you say things, it could really feel like "we care about you while you are not well"...lot of pressure
I have stopped talking about us with those friends. That all happened before I found this site.
The reason I say that it will stick this time, is that we had a really good year when our youngest was born. That was, even in my mind, one of our best years. I have used that to look back at what I did differently during that time. However, I think that the pregnancy caused that temp change and of course it didn't last.
I do think your exactly right. She needs time to be convinced. I have never in the past had this type of change. I didn't think I needed to in the past. Man was I wrong! I have made a lot of strides in the last 18 months, but this book has shown me that there are still things that I need to work on.
I can see now how that sounded... That is not what I meant, but that is probably what she heard... (Dang it!)
My plan is to be consistant, give her the distance she needs, but be there for her and love on her when I can.
My plan is to be consistant, give her the distance she needs, but be there for her and love on her when I can.
even it is what she heard, she knows you are there and that is important. Don't repeat it. She heard it once. Now you can do it with your actions whenshe reaches out. You can only do your 180's, GAL, etc...let her see the new you do more of them if need be. Just make sure you are doing them for you. And give her space she needs. Hounding her will just push her further.
I agree. Its been a really hard couple days. The problem I have is that I am so attracted to her and we had any affectionate moments in about 3 weeks. I am trying to be strong, but my desire for her is stronger!
