Partner left after 9 years , shows no regret. MLC?

[AliSuddenly]

Hi everyone, my thread locked again ! I really needed to post. I woke up this morning early and the words "its over" rushed into my head. So I woke up and it finally hit me. Its 3 months today since he moved out and hes shown not a shred of doubt since. The only clues that there could be something else going on, is he looks and seems unhappy, hes drinking alot, hes tired all the time and he gave me one long hug.

I had C today and cried all the way through it. I said it had been such an effort to maintain a detached facade and not show him the real me. And although it was lovely to see him last weeked, he long ago stopped showing me the real him. I guess he's in a process of change, or should be, so far hes only changed external things (leaving me and moving out of here). The internal changes dont seem to have happened, but then as she said, they wont if he is "aneasthetising" himself with alchohol every night.

He had said he was going to call me later in the week, but he didnt. He emailed me today though, it was longer than other ones more chatty, but still a bit impersonal. He signed off with :

"Will speak over the weekend, feeling absolutely knackered. Hope you're OK. Me"

I replied in the same jokey tone but said, sorry you are so knackered. I dont know how to act with him if he does call (I wish he would say WHEN he was going to call!) or if he comes round. I'm struggling with not being myself with him or showing him my real emotions, its so painful and I cant see that hes going to change his mind anyway, so I therefore dont see the point in behaving this way (as its intended to give him space to think). I cant believe that he's ever going to wake up and realise what he lost!

I assume he is not thinking about what he's lost and is probably too busy thinking about himself anyway right now. He could be stuck remembering the bad stuff and assuming it would never change. I dont have enough contact with him to allow him to see the changes in me. And he always makes that excuse of being too tired to talk. I guess he cant "face" talking to me is what he actually means.

I guess this has been a bad week for me. Its finally hit home, I dont believe we will ever get back together. He seems depressed and like I said on another thread, unless he could face up to that, I didnt feel he would realise it wasnt the R making him unhappy. Or maybe it was the R! Maybe it wasnt the bed or roses I thought it was, not for him. So far though hes drinking every night and continuing to avoid any real discussion with me. Even about our finances. I just dont see any hope...I think I may have hit rock bottom!?

Ali x
____________________
Me: 36
H: 34
LT: 9 years
ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07
Own apartment: 26 Jan 08

3 months on
Is this it? 2
Is this it?

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((Ali))))))

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. And I understand. Here are the things I see in your post.....

You are assuming lot! you might be right, but I think there is a lot more depth to what is going on. To me, the fact that he maintains pretty regular (I know not as much s you would like) contact says that there is something still there for him. And I think the drinking is a clue that something isn't right with him. Whether it has to do with you or not, who knows. But I do think you are right, until that stops, he isn't going to face any of his real issues.

If he is MLC, three months is just the warm up! This could take a really long time. With an unknown outcome, unfortunately.

So, what should you do? I don't know! One possibility might be to tell him ONCE, how you fell, and ask him ONCE, if thinks there is any possible future for you. Remembering that his answer is only how he feels right now. But from that, maybe you could come up with your best plan, which might be different depending on his answer.

I'll think about this some more, and post if I have an inspiration!

[Maya44]

Ali,

Reading your post just now sounds ALOT like my H just a few months back. H left me in 8/06 and was out each night, drinking heavily, ignorning me and, spending $ like crazy, and not providing for us. I believe he is just now starting to see he's still unhappy and maybe it wasn't b/c of me. He's eased up on drinking and doesn't go out much at all. He's giving me money as well - although it's like pulling teeth to get it most of the time. As Jeff said, this is a LONG ride. Unfortunately. Your faith and hope will get you through this. You can read all of my posts. Warning: there are 17. I'm a pitiful mess as well, still get that way too, but hopefully alot less than I was in the beginning. I'm at the point now where I've got to listen to the 'oldies' here and really GAL...for my own sanity and care.
My email is listed if you ever want to chat!

Many hugs!

[AliSuddenly]

Thankyou so much Darboyd!! Gosh, you have been patient. You have a D though, so that makes more reason to stay close. I guess my and my BF own property and we buried his Dad together - these are tenuous reasons to stay in touch! I would appreciate an email chat, thankyou. Your H was also young then when this hit him (33, 34?). Yes, drinking every night is not a healthy sign. Thats what his Dad did for 20 years, stayed single and went to the local club every night and he had depression the whole time and my BF knows that he was unhappy for years. His brother is also a big social drinker and goes out for a drink most evenings, and my BF despised him for it and would moan to me until recently that his brother relies on drink like his Dad did and doesnt talk to him, just says, hey lets go for a beer..Hes also spending alot.

And thanks Jeff, I really really would appreciate another viewpoint, I've got to the point that I dont trust my own and I'm in danger of losing it with him this w/e if he calls/comes over. I feel that its been brewing oddly. Him saying "I'm absolutely knackered" is a marker to me that he isnt doing well again, in himself, and/or is pulling back from me again, making the "I'm tired" excuse. Perhaps the 3 hours with me and the hug freaked him out? Maybe it has something to do with our anniversary /valentines. Maybe he was drinking alot the last few days and thats why he feels so ropey. Who knows?

((((Jeff))))

[Maya44]

Could be lots of things Ali. I'm tired could be a nice way of him saying he's not ready to talk yet. 3 months is still very fresh and you don't want to be around it anyway! I was cursed at, shouted at in ways H would NEVER have done before. Sometimes D was there to see it too. So, no, you don't want to be around the MLCer this new into it. If I could go back in time, I'd almost say it would've been easier to leave him alone instead of always trying to reach out to H. I do believe the MLCer will come around eventually to see what they missed the time they were gone. Like it's said here, and in the books, we'll be standing with open arms or it will be too late.
I personally have a gut feeling that my H will be back. I think he'd have filed for D by now if he was so certain that is what he wanted to do. You and your BF have property together. That's a legal contract as well. Something that still would have to be worked out to determine the outcome of it. Hang in there Ali! I'm not at work today so I don't have access to a computer like I usually do (at the library now) but I am on during the week. I'll try to get to mom's maybe this weekend to catch up as well.

[ba065]

Ali:

When I "assume" things or guess about what is going on is when I start to feel really down...You have to PMA!!!! Otherwise the wondering and worrying will really put you in the ground! I try not to second guess what is happening...although I still do...sometimes it's something I feel in my heart or gut and other times it's just panic setting in. Please try not to read into anything he says or does or doesn't do! Just try to be positive...keep up the GAL and be a happy Ali....that will get his attention even though you may think he isn't noticing the changes. Enjoy the emails or phone calls because at least you still have contact.

You are watching him slide down the slippery slope...but you can be there when he needs help to climb back up...???

Hugs!

BA

[Essie]

BIG HUGS Ali! I am really proud of you. Well done for being strong even when its been a crap week. It sounds like you are having another go of accepting the end of the relationship. And that's healthy and part of the journey. You want to re-create a new relationship and that means the old one has to 'die' first.

I'm sorry that its been a hard week - I do really understand how awful it is to wake up thinking 'its over'. I promise you that it does get better from here. You really will be OK.

If BF calls and wants to see you are you ready? If not maybe you want to postpone it for another week? (because you are out and busy and having fun remember??)

[One Day]

Hey Ali,

Great advice from the others and I don't know if I can add much to that. I think BA is right- keeping a good PMA is really important (although hard to do all the time- but BA is a master!). Your BF sounds like he is in a bad way, and as though he could do with a friend, and I think you're in a good position to be that friend.

It's positive that BF said he would call over the weekend. I understand the annoying-ness of not knowing when the call will come (H does that to me often). Just smile, be a good friend when he does call. He'll appreciate it and it'll get him thinking.

(((Ali)))

[AliSuddenly]

Thanks Darboyd and BA !

Thats great you have a gut feeling he'll be back, I'm glad for you becuase you have a D. I wish I could say the same, but my gut says that this is it (which is why I wrestle with the DBing!)I am feeling like he has sent me down a slippery slope too, whose there to catch me!? But yes, I would wait and I have no feelings of anger or anything but compassion for him, but its all been so hurtful. About the houses, yes, he hasnt mentioned selling, in fact, he was happy to do a joint remortgage (although he still hasnt done it!), so that was a relief.

I realised earlier that he told me last Saturday that he'd cooked beef buorgignon for himself last week, he printed a recipe off the internet. This has upset me, I was always thinking of nice new meals to cook us and tried to get him interested, I did teach him to cook over the years, but he never made an effort to cook anything new for me, he said he wasnt fussed about learning new meals. Its a silly example, but why couldnt he be like that when he was with me? And maybe thats not the actions of a depressed man, to make himself a special dinner. I did ask if that was just for himself, he said yes.

All he could say at the bomb was "IDLYA, not all love lasts forever", which is bad, but also, he said "this is the right thing for me" yet he couldnt explain and repeatedly told me it was nothing I'd done, or how I'd behaved, but IDLYA. I just find that hard to believe! He told me in the summer he felt wierd and dead inside and that he could feel no joy...but I reckon thats how he feels anyway, and it wasnt specific to me? Although he must feel that it IS specific to me.

I told him in my email that I had been very busy at college and also had been out exercising alot (didnt tell him I bought a bike though), he should be surprised by that, as I have always hated exercise! But, he didnt respond. Just have to wait for this weekend and see if he phones. I am presuming that I still shouldnt phone him, but leave him to call me??

Good point about not making assumptions and having a PMA...I've not managed to do that. I've been busy all day at college and that went well, and I'm planning some activities, so the GAL is going ok, but the PMA is virtually non-existent ! How do you stop yourself from worrying BA?

Ali x

[AliSuddenly]

...I'm so touched that there are people there when I really need it. Thanks BA, OneDay, Essie and Darboyd, Jeff too! I only wish I could be as much help back, but all I seem to do is post these rambling messages saying how I'm struggling...then I get a bunch back saying how well I'm doing, so thankyou!

Its so interesting that other peoples perception is that hes not doing so well. I think he is worse than me, and I've been in pretty bad shape on and off! But I havent hit the bottle :-). Perhaps I am just painting him in a negative light..but then I think, no, when I see him, he IS very negative, about a lot of things and people in his life (not me, huh).

OneDay, it IS annoying that he'll never be pinned down on when I'll see him or he'll call! He's calling all the shots (well, he did leave me). Yes its a step in the right direction that he says he will call me, I'm not even sure why, maybe about the mortgage? I'd be surprised if he's called them yet. Maybe he has.

Essie, thanks for saying that, I was assuming that when you accept its over, that its then over...not that you are then trying to rebuild a new R, I didnt see it that way. I guess cos it takes two and my feeling like its over is to do with the fact that thats clearly how he feels! Its taken 3 months and I'm still struggling to accept it, but today was a first step, yes.

Today its 3 months since he moved out. Feels significant for some reason. I still dont even know where he's living! Thats so wierd. I wonder why he hsant told me, or invited me over. Also, I was thinking, when he was here last week he said he was going to come back sometime for the CDs..and then twice said, is that ok? Which is wierd, is he expecting me to get angry and want nothing to do with him, not want him to come here?