I thought I would help those of you with spouses who are dealing with Mid Life Crises by posting a chapter in the Divorce Remedy on the subject. Hope this helps! ************************* Copyright 2001 Michele Weiner-Davis All rights reserved.
Chapter 12 from The Divorce Remedy- Surviving His Midlife Crisis*
*Although this chapter is geared toward women, don’t skip over it too quickly if you are a man whose wife has suddenly questioned everything about her life. You will find much in this chapter to which you can relate, especially if you are married to a Walkaway Wife. The same advice applies to you if you are a woman married to a man who doesn’t quite fit the “midlife” criteria. Men are “maturing” early these days. Some men in their late twenties and early thirties have been known to go through an emotional crisis that sounds, smells, and looks a whole lot like things their older friends experience. So keep reading.
I started calling my husband the Grumpmaster General. He's unhappy (sometimes he'll even call it miserable) and as he sees it, it's mostly because of me. Every time I "fix" something that bothered him (like lose weight, keep house better, initiate sex more), those things turn out NOT to have been that important after all, and then he names something ELSE I've done all wrong.
Since moving out, he has had LASIK eye surgery so he could stop wearing glasses, and has even talked about liposuction and plastic surgery. And now he wants to start his own business. It looks to me like he's dissatisfied with just about everything, and is desperately trying to change things and control things in an effort to make himself happy. If only he'd change himself INSIDE and stop looking to change me or look younger or become the boss of a company - he's looking for happiness in all the wrong places.
I feel sorry for him because I don't think he knows HOW to be happy without having the perfect wife, the perfect house, the perfect body, the perfect job. Happiness is an attitude, a choice, an outlook.
After a 19-year marriage of fun, faithfulness and overcoming many obstacles, my husband started finding himself not happy with work, home, me, kids, life in general. Then he started focusing on my flaws and has made them bigger than life and "the target for all his bad feelings" and seems to think if he can just get rid of me, then all his problems will be over. He has rewritten our history to where "nothing was ever good" and does not respond to my changes- my making myself happy, financial concerns that seem to be improving, nor all the wonderful things our family (two adopted kids) have built together. His own father and grandfather had hormonal drops/MLC/midlife depression, also. He seems to be desperately looking for an instant, easy way out. I fear for our kids so I've suggested we at least hold out until they're grown, which still isn't ideal (that would be four more years) but that seems to just make him panic. He wants to sell our beautiful home, have me leave, and seems to think everything, including our happy, well-adjusted kids, will be great after that.
Does any of this sound familiar? If so, welcome to Midlife Crisisland. It often strikes men between the ages of thirty-five and fifty-something. You think your marriage is decent. Oh, yes, you realize that there are ups and downs, but you also know that no marriage is perfect so you don’t get too bent out of shape about it. Then strange things start to happen. You and your spouse are arguing all the time. He starts telling you that he’s unhappy in the marriage. In fact, he’s always been unhappy being with you. What about all of your fond memories? It was all a sham, tells you. He confesses that he loves you, but he’s no longer in love with you. You’re too fat, too thin, too demanding, too laid back, not sexual enough, too boring, too critical, too unloving. He wants a divorce.
You’re crushed. Here’s the man you love, the man you vowed to spend the rest of your life with and he can find nothing good or right about you and your life together. You feel hurt and spend days trying to sort out where things went wrong. Because you love your husband and you want to keep your marriage together, you keep a running list of his complaints and, after you get over your initial shock and defensiveness, you start trying to fix things like a crazy woman. You lose weight. You get a new hairstyle. You buy new clothes. You start being nicer and more affectionate. You stop doing things that annoy him. You bend over backwards trying to please him, but his needs seem to be a moving target. Nothing you do makes a difference.
Then his behavior becomes even stranger. He spends long hours with his buddies, works out at a gym trying to win an Arnold Schwarzenagger look-alike contest, he buys a new wardrobe, uses new cologne, dyes his gray hair, trades in his cheap reading glasses for colored contact lenses and, if he’s financially able, buys himself new expensive toys with motors. If all this weren’t enough, he finds a lover who can convince him that he is immortal, sexy, smart, successful and that life would be wonderful if he just rode off in the sunset with her. What’s going on here? Hold on to your hat. You’ve entered the midlife crisis zone and you are in for quite a ride. Why do men act as if their minds have been abducted by extra-terrestrial beings? And more importantly, why didn’t these beings take men’s bodies too so that it wouldn’t be quite so confusing?
Many men wake up one morning and realize for the first time in their lives that they aren’t going to live forever. They notice their bodies aging. Their waists are growing, their hair is graying or gone. Their reading glasses have become an annoying necessity. Their sex drive isn’t what it used to be. There are wrinkles on their faces along with sagging skin. And then there are those little aches and pains in their joints and other body parts that weren’t there the last time they looked. It all adds up to a very depressing epiphany… “I’m a middle-aged man.” The old gray man, he ain’t what he used to be.
Suddenly, he’s scared. Life is passing him by, and the only thing slowing him down, he thinks, is you. You and all that you have come to symbolize are his emotional shackle. He’s tired of feeling responsible for putting food on the table, buying name brand clothes for the kids, sending them to college, and for having to show up at work every day. Because men often define themselves through their work, if he’s been less than successful or less than satisfied with his career, he feels as if he’s a failure. He becomes depressed. His only salvation, he convinces himself, is to be free of you.
First, you need to know that you are not the cause of all of his unhappiness. There may be things about your marriage that need to be improved and you, like everyone else aren’t perfect, but the emotions he’s pinning on you have much, much more to do with him and the way he’s handling things right now. He feels so bad about himself that he is striking out, and you just happen to be within striking distance. If you’ve been feeling dumped on, this is why.
Here’s the tricky part. Part of you desperately wants to save your marriage and do what it takes to make him happy. Another part of you keeps asking yourself whether you should be putting up with this insanity. You wonder whether you’ve lost your mind. “Why in the world,” you ask yourself, “would someone subject herself to this kind of abuse?” Your friends worry about your husband but they’re even more worried about you. They think you’ve lost your marbles for considering spending one more day in a thankless marriage.
There are days you agree with them and just when you feel like throwing in the towel (or better yet, throwing it at him) you remember your vows. You remember your children. You remember your history together and what your marriage was like before he pulled the rug out from beneath your feet. You loved him dearly. In fact, you still love him dearly. Despite all that he has said and done recently, you find yourself longing for him. You want him to just snap out of this temporary insanity long enough to put his arms around you and tell you that everything is going to be okay. You can’t seem to shake the feeling that love is a decision and you made the decision long ago to stay together till death do us part.
So you feel desperate to get him to realize that he is going through a phase that will pass. You try to convince him that he’s misjudging, misreading and over-reacting. You tell him that things aren’t as bad as they seem. You promise things will change soon and that he will feel better about his life. But you notice that he’s not buying it. In fact, the more you try to convince him that he’s over-reacting or under-valuing the good things in your marriage, the more he pulls away from you, blaming you loudly as he goes. You feel abandoned, betrayed and emotionally empty. Throw an affair into this mix and you start to feel yourself falling apart.
You’re at a loss, you don’t know what to do. You want to make your marriage work, but it’s hard to imagine how even the best divorce-busting techniques could be effective in dealing with a person who is in La La Land. Despite your frustrations, the bottom line is you want your marriage. So what’s a woman to do?
Before you decide to take on the project of saving your marriage, you need to realize a few things: There are no guarantees. Although most men do come to their senses eventually, not all do. You could do all the hard work and in the end, still get divorced. At the very least, you’ll be able to honestly say to yourself that you tried everything. And, if you have children, you are teaching them a very, very important lesson: that you must do whatever you can to make your marriage work. Your children will benefit from watching you, no matter what happens in the end.
This is going to be a long haul. Midlife Crises don’t end quickly; they may last months or years, and you need to brace yourself for the journey. Many of the problems addressed in this marriage-saving guide are somewhat less intractable and easier to resolve. Wading through a midlife crisis is a process that simply takes time. You can’t rush it. You can’t bull your way through it. You just have to remind yourself constantly that there are no quick fixes. And, however long it really takes, it seems a whole lot longer.
Expect a roller coaster ride The Midlife Crisis going to be a full fledged roller coaster ride. You will go up and you will go down. Just when you thought your husband is showing signs of improvement, he lets you know that, as far as he’s concerned, nothing has changed. It’s all par for the course. The unpredictability of his moods and his reactions will drive you nuts. But then there will be those times that keep you going, times when, for just a brief moment, things seem normal again. If you ask people who have successfully survived a midlife crisis, they will tell you that the roller coaster ride was the only route to getting there. So like it or not, fasten your seat belt and invest in a large supply of Dramamine.
Welcome to Limboland One of the worst parts about how long it takes for your spouse to work his way through his existential dilemma and how rocky the road will be, is that you will feel that your life has been put on hold. You will feel angry and hurt that you have to wait for him to realize something that he should just have known at the start, that your marriage is worth saving. You will resent the fact that it will feel as if he is calling all the shots. You have to wait for him to change his mind about you and your relationship. You have to wait for him to want to be with you. You have to wait for him to feel better about himself and his choices. You just have to wait. He’s setting the pace right now. Not knowing about the outcome of all this will be maddening at times but, for now, you will just have to accept this state of uncertainty .
To say you will need patience is a big, big understatement If you are a take charge person, you are about to learn one of the hardest lessons in your life. You are not going to be able to control or exert influence on your partner to speed up this process. You are going to hear and see things that you think are unfair and unjust and you are going to learn very quickly that you are not going to be able to educate your spouse about his wrongdoings. You are just going to have to let things happen, go with the flow. The answers to this puzzling midlife crisis must come from him. You won’t be able to guide him or facilitate the process.This will require an enormous about of patience and self-control. Think about the most challenging thing you’ve ever done in your life in regards to being patient. Now multiply that by a million. You’re beginning to see what I mean.
One of the things that you can to do boost your chances of remaining patient is for you to read all that you can about your spouse’s midlife crisis. Do research on the internet and go to bookstores. Talk to people who have overcome this stage in their lives. Just immerse yourself in as much information as you can. Once you become educated about what your spouse is feeling and thinking, it will be easier for you not to take things quite so personally. That will help you remain on track. Don’t count on your spouse to help you understand his feelings because he might not understand them himself. Even if he does, he might not want to talk to you about them.
Don’t defend yourself The best thing you can do when your spouse shares negative feelings about your marriage, his life or even you is to be a good listener. Acknowledge what he is saying. Tell him that you feel bad that he feels so upset about things. Tell him that you wish things had been different. Apologize for things that warrant it. Let him know that you are hearing and taking to heart the things he is unhappy about. This will be challenging because you will be listening with one ear and planning what you’d love to say in response at the same time. Resist the temptation to say it. Even if you are “Right,” pushing the issue will push him away. Don’t do it.
Don’t ask questions or make demands It’s very important that you give your husband space. He needs time to think, feel and experiment, even if part of his experimentation involves another woman. If you start placing demands right away, you will probably lose him. There may not be much that you can do right now to make things better, but there are a ton of things you can do to make things worse like interrogation and making demands. You will have to develop many strategies to stop yourself from blowing your stack or nailing him to the wall; this will be unbelievably challenging. But that’s precisely what you need to do. Discover what helps to keep you on track, whether it’s taking a walk, going for a run, calling a friend, logging on to your computer, reading a book, or standing on your head.
Focus on yourself Although you have read this advice many times in this book, it is here that it is most applicable. It is absolutely essential that you find ways to make yourself happy during this most difficult time. “Easy for you to say, Michele,” is what you’re thinking. I know, I know. It’s hard to imagine how you could be happy while you’re life is falling apart, but if you are going to come out the other side of this midlife crisis, you are going to have to do it. Whether you were an incredibly independent person to begin with, or someone who preferred doing everything with your man, you are going to have to develop and discover ways to find inner peace without him right now. You need to do this for you, for your husband and for your children, if you have them.
Although your husband can choose to put his decision about your marriage on hold, you can not and should not put your own life on hold. Once you get over the shock of what’s happening and grieve, you need to get out a piece of paper and a pen and write down the concrete steps you are going to take to make your life as fulfilling as possible. You need to restore your sense of self. You are a wonderful person and you should remind yourself of this whenever possible, because you won’t be getting lots of compliments from your spouse. You will have to find your goodies somewhere else. Here are some things women have done to help them feel good about themselves and their lives during their transitional periods. This list is by no means comprehensive. I include it simply to jumpstart your imagination.
Spend more time with their children Keep a journal Re-invest themselves in spiritual activities Further their education Join a support group Devote themselves to their careers Spend more time with friends Begin a new hobby Join a health club Read self-help books
One more thing to consider. Even if your husband won’t go- and whatever you do, you shouldn’t press the issue- you might consider going for therapy. If you find someone you like, s/he can help you sort things out and feel better about yourself. Find a professional who is trained in solution-oriented methods and who is pro-marriage. If you go to a therapist who doesn’t understand what you are working towards and the methods you are using to get there, s/he will probably try to discourage you from continuing on your marriage-saving path. Be very clear from the start that you are determined to save your marriage. Also, make sure your therapist doesn’t subscribe to the “You should tell him how you feel” methodology. It won’t work, I promise you. If the therapist suggests that you need to disclose your feelings or that therapy won’t work unless your husband joins you in treatment, it should be an immediate red flag for you to find someone else.
I did it my way. The one thing you will have to keep in mind throughout this journey is that your husband will have to find his own answers. No matter how much you want to help him, he will not find comfort in the articles you cut out for him, the therapy appointments you want to make for him, the heart-to-hearts you want to have with him or anything else you wish to do. In the same way that you can’t force a baby to walk before he crawls, talk before he babbles, getting through a midlife crisis is a process.
If you have children, you know that there have been times when you’ve needed to stand back and let them fall so they improve their balance and learn how to get up again. Similarly, you will need to stand back and allow your spouse to find his way. I realize that I have told you this before, but I’m saying it again because I know you will need to take this to heart. You might find yourself reading and re-reading this section. Letting go is amazingly difficult, but unless you do, your marriage probably won’t work out. You have to learn how to detach from your husband’s confusion and let him struggle through it until he sees a clearing.
Coming Home I know you are going to have a hard time believing what I’m about to tell you now, but if your husband does eventually decide to recommit to your marriage, life will not be a bed of roses right away. For starters, you have just spent a very long time putting aside your emotions and needs. You’ve had to be incredibly strong. Perhaps your spouse has had an affair and while you’ve been fighting for your marriage, you’ve had to put your feelings of rage and despair on the back burner. So, if your husband decides to work on your marriage, although you’ll be very relieved, you should expect to be flooded with many other intense emotions. This is normal. It doesn’t mean you’ve made a mistake. It just means you’re human.
The way to move beyond these intense feelings is to make your marriage better than it ever was to begin with. This means that you and your husband have lots of issues to work out. You need to identify which parts of your marriage need to be improved. You will need to change, but your husband will need to change too. He will need to show you that he wants to invest his heart into your relationship. He needs to show empathy for what you’ve been through all these months. But don’t expect him to be these changes to happen immediately, it will take time. You will need to continue to remain patient.
Furthermore, if your spouse had an affair that he’s decided to end, as much as you’d like him to be thrilled about the fact that the other woman is no longer in his life, it’s unlikely that this will happen. Even if his intentions to work on your marriage are good, he will probably be feeling a sense of withdrawal just as someone would if they were giving up a drug. He might feel sad. He might be depressed or irritable. Don’t assume he’s second-guessing himself. Don’t assume he thinks he wants to go back to her. Let him be. He will come out of his funk much more quickly if you, in a sense, give him “permission” to feel that way for a while. This shows him that you know that a feeling a sadness when you end something is normal. It is. Don’t make anything more out of it than it is.
But don’t lose sight of the fact that you have come such a very, very long way. Think about how things were when he first hit his midlife crisis. Remember how devastated you were and how impossible he was. Things really have changed, haven’t they? You should be very proud of yourself. And you should give yourself permission to feel the whole range of feelings you are experiencing right now. Just don’t blow all the hard work by slipping back into old ways. You will feel better soon. You and your spouse need to work as a team to get your marriage back on track. You’ve gotten this far, you can reach your end goal..a loving marriage. Just hang in there.
In all honesty, I’ve never had to do what I am suggesting that you to do and I can only imagine the strength it would take to stick to your plan. But I see people do it all the time. Here is a letter from a woman who successfully worked on herself until her husband came back from the brink of a midlife crisis. Use this as an inspiration!
Dear Michele,
Last year at this time (Valentine’s Day) I was an emotional wreck! I remember so well waiting to see if I would get a card from my husband that had any words of affection. Of course there wasn't! I shed many tears that day.
However, here I am a year later and my husband is "in love" with me again and can't stop telling me or showing me! Last Valentine’s Day, my husband informed me, again, how miserable he was and how he needed to leave of us. (married 17 years & three children) He told me he did not love me and never had loved me. That "I" was his problem and he wanted to find happiness and passion without me. I suspected an emotional affair with another woman.
Well, I am here to tell you that your methods work and you CAN save your marriage BY YOURSELF, if you really want to put forth the time, effort and PATIENCE that it will take.
MY suggestions: Don't PUSH your husband into therapy with you! DON"T insist on talks about your relationship. Don't pry and become obsessed with other women he might be seeing. WORK ON YOURSELF! Actions speak louder than words. Change YOUR behavior and attitudes NOW! The only person you have ANY control over in this world is YOU!!!! Men HATE relationship talks and if they resist therapy, go by yourself! DON"T PURSUE YOUR husband...lovingly DISTANCE!
I am so happy with my husband 's "recovery" and our wonderful NEW marriage. I feel like I am on my honeymoon again after 17 years. I have no anger or unresolved feelings, now that my husband is surrounding me with such love. I have grown so much over the past year and have much success in many areas to show for it. You see, I was unhappy too, just in denial over the dismal shape of my marriage. I don't appreciate the way that my husband rocked my world, but I am better for it in many ways.
I see no need to live in the past, as the present is wonderful. I have "moved on". All the "talk" in the world cannot create the profound changes that Michele’s approach does so effectively. Louise _________________________ The Divorce Buster
Last edited by sgctxok; 03/05/0805:53 PM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
SG, thank you for posting the excerpt from Michele's book.
With regards to the letter to Michele where the woman said :
Don't PUSH your husband into therapy with you! DON"T insist on talks about your relationship. Don't pry and become obsessed with other women he might be seeing. WORK ON YOURSELF! Actions speak louder than words. Change YOUR behavior and attitudes NOW! The only person you have ANY control over in this world is YOU!!!! Men HATE relationship talks and if they resist therapy, go by yourself! DON"T PURSUE YOUR husband...lovingly DISTANCE!
This applies to men and women alike. People who are "finished" or think they are finished with the marriage, do not like to spend any more time thinking about the M. Any movement toward this will be seen as controlling and be an aggravation.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I am glad you posted this little tidbit from the book. MLC really does exist, and MLC'ers have to be handled with kid gloves. They are a special breed of WAS's and have many other issues apart from being dissatisfied in their Marriages. There are many great books that explain Mid Life Crisis and when used in conjunction with DivorceBusting, they can help to make the journey just a little more tolerable.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Many of you may have your spouse living with you or you have children where you still may interact quite a bit. Many have conflicts still going on with the spouse.....heated or non-heated...where there is tension.
You aren't completely helpless, just like you aren't at work or with your children.
If your struggles aren't fruitful---you can CHANGE something--ANYTHING.....and your patterns of interacting will necessarily change as well.
The only thing that would not be a good idea, is to do the same thing that has been proven over and over again to not be working.
examples:
CHANGE THE WHEREHave you noticed that you and your partner frequently have conflicts in the same location? Is it always in the bedroom, kitchen, living room .... or bathroom
Write down WHERE it is that you usually have your conflicts.
(G and I were always having our arguments in the new house he was building)
CHANGE THE WHEN Do you and your partner have conflicts most frequently after work? During dinner? The first thing Saturday morning? After a family gathering?
Are there events or holidays that trigger a conflict?
What is the worst time to approach your partner?
When do you think you could get a better response (notice not perfect) from your partner?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
What do you “just know” about your spouses’ behavior? Can you predict when your spouse is going to be in a good mood or a bad mood? What would you like to suggest to your spouse that you can predict a negative response to?
Michele’s states that while [b]“you think you ‘re predicting the future, you’re actually creating it.”
“When you expect negative outcomes, you telecast your expectations in very sublte ways. So subtle, that you’re not even aware that you’re doing it” But your partner picks up these messages and responds negatively. In other words, you’re creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.”
[/b]
Is this a glib... 'act as if' and your spouse will come back. No.
But is it helpful to expect the best rather than the worst....ESPECIALLY in interactions with your spouse....yes.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Me too. This does seem to be the big issue in this one area of MLC. The spouse we are dealing with is radically different almost overnight. My H is different day to day. My behavior has limited impact. Sometimes if I am nice one day, he responds. Then often hours later he will do an about face.
My best example of this is him wanting to go to MC. He was very excited about it. By the time he got there he was so angry. My guess is OW and him had a fight. And that is a problem. We are not just dealing with our spouses, but also with another person that we never interact with and have no knowledge of, yet that person has equal or greater influence on our spouse.
Short, I agree with you...and what if your H NEVER talks about your R...
How long are you supposed to wait for them to talk about wanting to go to MC or to talk about your R?
My H talks in riddles all the time and I cannot tell if he wants to file, wants me to file or is just feeling me out.
Plus, I have no idea if he has OW...who may, or may not have a large influence on him.
How long do we wait for these answers to reveal themselves?
The man I look at now...does not resemble the man I married very much so I know I cannot gauge his responses based on anything I knew of the man in the past.
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
Great Question. ACT AS IF sounds like a vague concept.
ACT AS IFis real life, in the moment. In this situation, it's not pretend everything's roses and he's coming back any second now.
It can be something like he didn't call your son tonight like he was supposed to. He's living with another woman. She may even have kids. They Your kid's really really disappointed. You hurt for your kid if not for yourself. How do you act?
Unless you're in super control of your emotions, you probably often react according to how you think and feel about the situation.
ACT AS IF is about 'framing' if you look at it the 'Tony Robbins' way.
You'd probably act very differently if you assumed in the different manners as below....let's look at some options:
1) He's with HER.(aack!) She wants him to...run errands for her, , have dinner and or wild sex with her. How would you act?
2) He's with HER KIDS (argh!!!) He's going to HER kids soccer game, helping her kids with homework...watching HER sick kids. What would you do?
3) He's working. Probably ignoring her and her kids too. What would you say to your kid?
4) He's overwhelmed. She won't let him call your kid. She's watching his every move. What would you say to him?
5) He's a doofus. He forgot? What would you say to your kid?
6) He's overwhelmed by everything. He's sick. He wasn't trying to hurt anyone, just couldn't get it together?
How would you handle each of those situations? Most likely VERY DIFFERENTLY?
Your actions (that followed your assumptions) will guide the NEXT interactions with your H...and maybe even that kid's interactions with your H.
Which assumptions do you choose?
ACT AS IF with the high road. Or one of them. (sometimes it isn't crystal clear--probably 4 or 6, maybe 5. NOT likely to be 1-3.
Last edited by sgctxok; 02/28/0811:12 PM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
He...'never talks about your relationship'. Talk is highly overrated. At the end of the talk...you want the actions to occur.
That said....perhaps like you, one of my 'love languages' is affection...and I want G to 'talk to me' tell me how much he loves me and cares about me blah blah blah.
In times of stress I am NEVER gonna get the talk. The talk is going to be bad.
But he expresses his love by doing things for me...buying PRACTICAL gifts. And even in the hard times in the relationship...he will do those things.
Look for THOSE kinds of signs. Train him later.
It works. I've done it.
I get those words, the romance, the real giving, now, in return..
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Aaaaah! You know what? He is doing those things...
Came a fixed my shredder after I put too many expired credit cards in it!
Thought that was nice.
I agree, talk is highly overrated. and I DO want actions to occur right after the talk as well....
Yup, want him to tell me how much he loves me, blah, blah, blah...as well! LOL!
He buys me small presents...but well thought out ones...a CD or DVD that he KNOWS I will like...etc...so different than before when he would spend oodles of money...I loved the presents then as I do now...but now I know that he didn't spend an outrageous amount on stuff.
I think the "talk" is gonna be bad either way...but I am not gonna push it. It is hard to stay and wait patiently...but maybe that is one of the things I am supposed to learn from all of this...
He does not tell me he loves me and I don't tell him I love him either...but I guess it shows in the things that he does for me...except that I am the kind of person that needs to hear "I Love you" all the time...makes me feel special. But, oh well...for now, gotta live without it.
There are times I wonder if he will ever be even a fraction of the loving person he once was. Not that I want him to be the same...just wonder if we will ever be close again, if we will ever truly be friends, even.
Best not get ahead of myself and work myself into a tizzy!
Thanks for your words...
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
np...SOME folks think I haven't actually lived it and I have. Been through ALL KINDS of books/programs...came to DB and it LITERALLY and FIGURATIVELY saved my life.
You get it.
"I think the "talk" is gonna be bad either way...but I am not gonna push it. It is hard to stay and wait patiently...but maybe that is one of the things I am supposed to learn from all of this..."
You're right.
"There are times I wonder if he will ever be even a fraction of the loving person he once was. Not that I want him to be the same...just wonder if we will ever be close again, if we will ever truly be friends, even. "
Probably he will and you will.
You've got my prayers, even though you quoted a Jesuit over a Franciscan.
Last edited by sgctxok; 02/28/0811:44 PM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
If no one believes in a MLCer, I don't know how they'd ever get back. If no one stood for them while they were lost. Yes even though at the time they're "lost" they don't know it. You have a lot of power if you're a believer in the Word of God. It says that the "unbelieving spouse is sanctified (which means literally, "set apart and made holy") by the believing spouse".
You may not know my story but after I came out of MLC, I realized I'd been prepared in church during the year prior to it. I had been given every single tool I had to use to claw my way out, and then endure the guilt, regret and shame in the aftermath. I also came to know that someone had "prayed me out" and I asked God repeatedly over a period of a few months WHO prayed me out. I never got an answer until I got up in the middle of the night one night for a drink of water. I stood in the dark at my kitchen sink and saw plain as day, my husband on his knees at my side of the bed. Everything had been changed around by then but when I saw it, everything was exactly as it had been previously. I am a believer that the spouse that finds themselves here has a role to play in the salvation of his/her spouse. The Bible says so. It is YOU - if you believe - that sets your spouse apart from all other "sinners". YOU and your FAITH that moves God. But too many can't see the forest for the trees because it simply hurts so bad and seems so hopeless. That's why you have to cling to the vine. If you've ever been a believer, go back. That's not only going to be the source of your peace at this time, but it's the only way to save your husband. The question then becomes how much do you love them? Can you love them with the heart of Christ? To do so, you have to first have it yourself.
There are many practical tools that you will be able to put to good use with varying degrees of success. The only foolproof way I know of to tear your family from the hands of the enemy is to lay it at the foot of the cross.
Be aware that when you do so, your journey probably will become longer. This is because when you put yourself in that gap on behalf of your spouse, God is first going to deal with you. When you have reached a place within yourself where you can truly look at yourself through the eyes of God and ask Him to change YOU, then you'll be getting somewhere. But only if you really, honestly seek the truth.
Thank you, MrsH.
Because of what you inspired me to write, I just might be able to find my own way back to the foot of cross one more time.
Maybe...
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I am "acting as if" constantly. It seems to be helping in my sitch...but inside, I still feel extremely hurt and betrayed. I still cry myself to sleep most nights.
I know my MLC H is lost...I know he's still figuring things out...I know he still sees MOW and talks to her on the phone almost constantly. I know he still lies to me.
But, he also treats me with respect, he says ILY, he'll hug and kiss me and buys me nice things. We're spending more time together, doing things he enjoys...and I'm beginning to enjoy....like road biking. I guess these are all considered baby steps....but inside of me, I feel like he has a hidden agenda and he's making plans with MOW to eventually leave. I just can't get past that part...maybe it's all in my head, but a woman's intuition can be right on the mark too!
I'm praying for the strength to stand, for help and guidance. I'm praying for H to find his way...to be happy again....
Having enought patience is hard....waiting is hard....wanting the final results but not always seeing the tiny steps towards them....????
Just tired, emotional and acting as if I love my life right now.
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
I am "acting as if" constantly. It seems to be helping in my sitch...but inside, I still feel extremely hurt and betrayed. I still cry myself to sleep most nights.
I know my MLC H is lost...I know he's still figuring things out...I know he still sees MOW and talks to her on the phone almost constantly. I know he still lies to me.
But, he also treats me with respect, he says ILY, he'll hug and kiss me and buys me nice things. We're spending more time together, doing things he enjoys...and I'm beginning to enjoy....like road biking. I guess these are all considered baby steps....but inside of me, I feel like he has a hidden agenda and he's making plans with MOW to eventually leave. I just can't get past that part...maybe it's all in my head, but a woman's intuition can be right on the mark too!
I'm praying for the strength to stand, for help and guidance. I'm praying for H to find his way...to be happy again....
Having enought patience is hard....waiting is hard....wanting the final results but not always seeing the tiny steps towards them....????
Just tired, emotional and acting as if I love my life right now.
BA
If you ACT AS IF...He's testing you...thinking about leaving OW. How differently would you feel?How would you do things differently?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
As you noted on my other post, this is a tough one. I'm struggling with what seem like conflicting messages. On the one hand, we hear "No R talk." Then, some of us hardly see or interact with our spouses. I haven't seen mine in two months, and in January we had a phone conversation about the dogs. We email about dog drop off pick up once a week or so, and that is IT. Emails are one line, two at most. Straight and to the point.
We saw each other once in a while (but this more by chance than planning; no "dates" or talks about our marriage at all; sometimes the encounters involved her showing her rage, spewing venom my way) during earlier times of the separation, but nothing since December.
How does one DB in such a case? What might be the "exceptions" you refer to? Sometimes I wonder if I have done enough by saying, ever so briefly, last summer and fall that I was open to talking about things at any time. She has never accepted that offer.
Any ideas about what to do now? Is waiting until she initiates a conversation all I can do?
She says she wants a D, and I agreed, but no action from either of us since that email (yes, she actually said she wanted a D through email! More than a decade of marriage got me an email request for a D!).
I struggle between waiting for her to initiate the conversation about working on things, or her initiating the D, and thinking that I should go to her, in person somehow, and bring up the R to try to get a sense if there's any hope here. Yet everyone says that would likely fail miserably. I feel paralyzed by this.
The exceptions are the fact that you 've seen her at all or had any contact. So then, depending on the contact you use those times to DB appropriately.
THIS WILL NOT be accomplished by bringing up relationship talk....you would more likely...in your situation, seal the deal negatively.
Use this time -- what little there is to start being peaceful. Try to make the interactions more positive.
THEN....after some of those, you might start building/recreating a friendship.
"Any ideas about what to do now? Is waiting until she initiates a conversation all I can do? "
Words are highly overrated. First look to changing body language. Mirror hers at first.
When it feels less tense, you might try changing something there. See if she follows.
If she follows, she's not likely spewing venom. Then tell us more about what the interactions are like.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
SG - Can you please link me to the stages of MLC as written by HeartsBlessing??!! An old poster has asked me via email where they are and I can't find them. As I understood it, they were moved here...
I wish I could figure out where my H was.....how do you know??
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
I'm almost 2 years into the beginning of my he**. At first H said he would go to MC, wanted to go---maybe twice a week. Then when we actually got started it was once a week then once every two weeks, then he couldn't go with me anymore because all I did was complain. MC met with us individually. Said she didn't understand H's reaction, that she thought sessions were going well.
A year passes we try to meet together again, still no progress, he's unwilling to make effort. 14 months pass, no progress. No R talk. H unwilling to do anything to make effort. I give him space. I leave him alone, then I get E-MAIL saying he "doesn't have what it takes to work on us." If I agree we need to go back to MC to discuss the end. I respond with e-mail saying I do not agree.
One month passes, I am working extra hard on PMA (and DBing), and doing a good job displaying it. Then another E-MAIL saying the same thing, that he doesn't have what it takes, that it's not something I can fix, it's just the way he feels. We need to go to MC.
I tell him he needs to go. He has issues to work on first. He goes and tells MC he wants D. Still unwilling to talk. Still unwilling to put forth effort.
This whole time he's still at home. Still acts "as if" all is well to the world. I know the kids know things aren't right, but I know they have no idea. H says if I agree to D and do this right they will not be hurt for long. Wants me to just go to mediation, sign papers and act as if it's a legal process only. Says it will be hard on the kids if I make this difficult---my fault if they have a problem with it.
I told MC I refuse to talk D.
How long do I stand. I know it's MLC. I know none of it makes sense, but am I really just supposed to let him end this----his way----to not make waves??
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
"You need to gather all your strength to stop talking about the affair. In fact, it behooves you to stop asking questions about their relationship completely. The mroe you ask, the more your spouse will feel pressured. The more your spouse feels pressured, the more s/he will want to flee. Control yourself."
“You also have some investigative work to do. No, I don’t mean snooping around to find out what is really going on. Since you can’t approach your spouse with any information you discover, you are only hurting yourself by snooping. You need to figure out what is so darn appealing about this OP. Do they have a great sex life whereas yours has been paltry? Does s/he flatter your spouse a great deal, building his/her ego? Is s/he spontaneous, willing to do things at the spur of the moment, when you like to have thigns planned months in advance? Is s/he a good listener, always interested in what your spouse needs to say?
You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. You need to make some changes. Don’t tell your spouse that you are going to change or that things will be different, just start acting differently.”
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Sg, In my case, there is no OW and my H sees my changes but chooses to dwell on the bad parts of our M. So he keeps bringing those up whenever there is R talk. So I don't exactly relate to the MLC chapter in DR. I have, from Day 1, been unsure that my H is an MLCer.
My H doesn't appear to be in MLC, except he's depressed and says "he found himself". He says he can spend his money anyway and whenever he wants to. He used to complain that I controlled his spending (i.e. get upset at him for buying such and such) and keep track of his eating habits and exercising techniques and routine. He understands that I meant well but he says he was scared of me when I cracked down on him. I guess I was hard on him but I have changed and realize that he needs his freedom. So this is also something he brings up.
BTW, R talk is very infrequent. Just had a long one last week, 13 months after the 1st. The 1st was 9 months post-S. There was a mini one in December. I didn't initiate the R talks, not pre-meditated anyway. They started as a result of something said or expressed. I follow his lead. -PH
YES! i think my H is Depressed and MLC has a few traits of this. He wasn't really ever that Angry with me. He has been sad for months prior to this...i had tried everything...give him space, ask if he needed anything, he reached out once for therapy but never followed through, then the BOMB after his actions were odd for a few weeks.
Now we are separated- he moved out. Im using LRT...he contacts me every few days via text ( i love having a marriage by text! ugh)...No OW...just very sad behavior from him.
I think he is depressed!! Help!
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
YES! i think my H is Depressed and MLC has a few traits of this. He wasn't really ever that Angry with me. He has been sad for months prior to this...i had tried everything...give him space, ask if he needed anything, he reached out once for therapy but never followed through, then the BOMB after his actions were odd for a few weeks.
Now we are separated- he moved out. Im using LRT...he contacts me every few days via text ( i love having a marriage by text! ugh)...No OW...just very sad behavior from him.
I think he is depressed!! Help!
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Thanks for responding. I know you're a very busy lady
I still vacillate between an MLC and depression, in diagnosing my H's crisis. Maybe it doesn't matter too much in the end. I try to keep MLC in mind in order to exercis special caution just in case he's in MLC and needs to be treated as such.
I think it might be a good idea to start Depression forum for those DBers who are dealing with depressed spouses, MLC or not. Since MLCers can also go through depression. -PH
pisces, It's a good start that your H is contacting you! Have you read Divorce Remedy, - Depression and MLC chapters? Have you tried talking to a DB coach?
Take care of yourself in the meantime and keep busy while at the same time work out your DB strategies.
the letter from Amyc t Mrs. H. is the most profound thing i have seen written in the 9 months i have been on these bb. i started crying about half way through. i know i was meant to read it. it is my situation, the Lord showed me months ago about standing in for my wife. i told people , she had no one on her side. she was so lost, i am her husband, it is my duty to stand before God and try to help and protect my wife the only way i knew how. i knew that i needed to change . i started to seek the Lord like i have not for many years. i understand what amyc meant about the power of the left behind believer spouse. i could not live with my self if i did not ask for Gods delievernce of my wife out of mlc land. i love her, thanks amyc for the eye opening letter, i was so blown away after i read it. thank you. everyone needs to read it. it is powerful.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Craig, When we change the focus of our prayer... things happen. It is no longer about "us" and our wants and desires. When we can truly let them go and we can pray for their salvation and for God's will, many things will be revealed to us. If our Spouses are right with God, then everything else will fall into place!
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
bnd, just a thought, i just need to remember that Jesus is bigger than any situation i will ever face. the fact that he wants us to succeed and have an abundant life, a whole life, is comforting.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Hi 'L'! I was re-reading the chapter about mid-life crisis, and it reminded me so much of my 'H' ('A'). I am glad that I read it again because it answered my question regarding talking to 'A' about his imprisonment feelings in marriage. It re-confirms my thoughts about not talking about the 'heavy stuff' with him. It re-confirms my feelings about being 'patient'. If anyone can be patient, I can! Right? Sometimes, I just want to strangle him, but I won't. It re-confirms my belief in actions speak louder than words. Goal #1: doing fun activities together sans my friend, 'M'. Goal #2: 'A' calling me up to look to do fun things together, more dinners together and movies, etc. 'L' if you find this first, I also wrote in 'Hopefulness'. Big Hug!!!! JoJo
Yes JoJo, When I have seen marriages recover from MLC, there is a HUGE amount of being very, very, very, very patient. And yes, if there is ANYONE I know that can be very, very, very, very patient, it is you JoJo. And you know I mean that!
I hope you found my first email to you. Take care, Laurie
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Laurie!!!! Hi, miss you! I'm so glad you found me. It makes me feel hugged!!!! I have an a question that I have been obsessing about.
'M' left a very pointed, mean voicemail the other day. I have yet to return her call because it is difficult for me respond to that. Do you think I should tell 'A' the problem I am having with 'M'?
Also, can I send Karen a recent picture I have of me and 'A' to send to you?
It is Saturday! I hope it is a sparkling day for you! Thank you for being a solid encouragement and optimist in my life!
Help, I do not know if I handled this all wrong or what. I was married 17 years. He was working part time in Mexico and I came home to be with our 16 year old s. Found an email from ow stating that she could not wait for him to return and she loved him with all her heart. He was glad it was out. Said it started 4 months previous. He had feelings for her. Said that he may regret it but was going for it. He was bored and it was too late to rekindle the fire in our marriage. He is 49, she is 38 single and mexican. I am 55. He said he wanted to apologize then said it would never be the same then said that my family had alienated him and he did not know how to rebuild trust. Later he took her to the states and bought new Bedroom furniture for our home in Mexico. This is when he started to say that there was no hope of reconcilliation later he wanted a divorce. I was to accept it that he was never coming back to me. So I served him Dec 07. Up until the mediation in August I would ask him to rethink what we were doing and if it could be too haste. He said that he wanted no conditions on his life and could not give me committment. Then he said that he did not appreciate what he had. Told a friend that I deserved someone better than him. The further the D went the furter he went with her. To take her last January to Hawaii where we were married. Said he was making new memories. I ask him if he is happy and he says yes and then sometimes how do you know I am happy. Now we are divorced. Happened last month. HE said that he loved her and that he did not love me. That he had been proud of our marriage but the clock was ticking he knew it was selfish but time for him now. He wanted adventure, challanges, excitement and no longer found them here as a married family man. He carries inside him from childhood a father that did this to him at the same age our son is. HE lives with ow in his warehouse with his jaguars, mercedes and tools. I struggle with the what ifs and why could he not see that we loved him and needed him here but to him it was a responsibility and he had had enough of that since 17. So he grew his hair long as he says failed me and changed. Wants me to be happy and even his friend. He has said some horrible things like I do not think of it as a loss but a gain. He rejected my love. I found what I was missing in my life. All this took place in Mexico with mexican women and then he fell in love. Has broght her here to Canada and met his family. He denies wanting to marry and then makes remarks like I would not let him just up and go to Scotland to golf if he wanted to and she would. So she is what I need and not you. You don't want me. So my reason for emailing is : Is it rediculous to think that perhaps in a few years should he come from under the cloud and through the tunnel he may want to return or is it over for ever and I am just wasting my prayers.
Hi June- I am sorry for your pain though you have found a good place to come for support. I recommend that you start your own thread. You can do that by clicking on the "new topic" link toward the top of the main Midlife Crisis Forum page.
You will find many people who are experiencing or have experienced the same things you are now going through. It helps so much to know you are not alone and to get advice from others who understand your situation.
I guess God only knows if you are wasting your prayers. There is nothing wrong with having hope...I think all of us come to this place to find hope. There is no magic bullet and I believe many LBS's move on before the WAS comes around. I have been on this site for a year and a half and have only "seen" a few reconciliations...but who knows if you could be one of the few. There are several WAS's of posters here that are teeter with recommitting to the M. Speaking from experience, even when the WAS shows signs of reconnecting, it can still be a very long and painful process but hopefully worth it in the end. And even if we don't get our spouses back, we help each other learn and grow and heal.
So stick around. Be prepared for people to tell you to detach, GAL, have no expectations and even hit you with the occasional virtual 2x4.
June21 Never give up hope....my story and as well as others in here are pretty much the same....I just posted another thread because my husband never calls me and I just wanted to tell someone in here of that....
My husband moved in his O/W to a different state...he had an affair with this same woman 13 yrs. ago...for 2 yrs. my husband lead 2 different lives...thet had a relationship ....then he had his parents die a yr of each other... bought a Harley and met her again in a Walmart.... he said the old feelings came back and he was in love with her and not in love with me any more...
I know most people would beat me for giving him a second chance but I married for life.....I was referred to this website from a person in here and it has changed my life please check it out...
I never knew how much I loved myhusband till this happened ....but I still have hope that one day all this will be something to give God all the praise....I never thought I could make it to where I am today.. I wanted to end my life but God was there for me every step of the way and still is....you will make it.... it feels like you wont but you will....
Please visit this website I just know it will give you the hope that we all need ..
Thank you both so very much. I just hope that even after a divorce there is hope and that two people who once loved each other so much can with the grace of god find their way back. Hugs, June 21
I pray that you are right... I miss my husband so much but he never calls me anymore like I said....it is like we never existed to him now....I feel so used and like she stepped into my shoes with my life with my husband and my beloved dogs.
I cant help but cry every other day after work... but I cry out to God .... Luke 1 verse 45 says this:
Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished.... I truly believe that with all my heart....
One day those of us in here will be reunited with the spouses God put together in the first place and made us one flesh.... but we are only human and sometimes we are weak and sometimes we have doubt.... but I know that I know and God has spoken to me and he has shown me what I need to do ... and that is to be still abd wait on his perfect timing...
It is so nice to have this board to come to and just let our emotions,anger,jealousy,envy and all the other things we feel when we are weak to be released in here and somehow it just makes us feel better...
This THANKSGIVING I am thankful for the people in here,becuase without them I would of had to of faced this alone....
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU IN HERE AND MAY YOU HAVE A BLESSED DAY HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!!!
M-53 H-46 M-24+YRS BOMB-10/14/07 2-S 2-D Grandkids-7 Greatgrand kid-1 He needs space... Wants to start fresh new life W O/W Moved in his O/W Oct.08
Thats the biggest problem right there. My W and I will be talking and things seem to be improving and on the right track and then the track gets blown up because the OW finds out we are talking and blows her lid and W crumbles and we have to start hiding it but that fact she still does come around to sneaking a call to me some how does that mean she is still interested in the R? W will say one thing but then OW gets to her and everything changes and me and W end up pissed off.
Have a blessed Day!! Everything that goes up must eventually come down unless its stuck in the damn tree again!!
What if you set mini goals, and they happen (such as him calling me for no reason, or him hugging me when we sleep at night) but then he indirectly reminds me that we are NOT together, and that he's basically living @ home still b/c of our 2 little daughters. Should I still take it as these mini goals mean something? Compared to where we were...or take it in to consideration, but don't expect anything else or a positive outcome from it? Like don't look to deep into them?
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
thank yo so much for this information...My wife announced that our mariage was over in October last year, whilst we were on vacation. We still live in the same house together with our lovely children...it is so hard to follow your advice, and i must admit that I have fallen into may "hole"....but as I read this text I realised that she is definately going through a MLC...thank you again...it gioves my hope and extra patience, David
But what if things were getting better and something in the family came up that made him realize how much damage he has done and now it seems like he's starting the crisis all over again?
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach the single most important thing to DO. Use the time that your W has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
Knowledge is Power.
Thanks to Cadet.
Last edited by job; 06/23/1609:38 AM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
What does "Lovingly Distance" mean? What should I do? Do you mean that I will not initiate calls, meetings etc? Or should I even refuse a meeting if he suggests it?
Thanks!
Me: BW 30 Him: WH 31 T 12 years, M 3.5 No kids OW 27 single ex co-worker
Bomb: 13/07/2011 S: 13/07/2011 - 16/09/2011 H came Home 16/09/2011 Dday: 01/10/2011 H left again 23/11/2011
Question? I've done the 180, very limited contact, given him space, no calls, emails only considering son. But I did mail him the letter of release. He has not responed, not one peep. He is also withdrawn from most friends and hardly socializes; probably drinking alone. I am patient, but very very worried.... Any suggestions?
I saw you started a thread in Newcomers. If you have read the resources posted above and think that you might be dealing with an MLC I suggest you start a thread on this forum.
The advice here is directed to that circumstance.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
This site has proved to be very valuable to me, my h hasn't come back yet but I am gradually seeing glimpses of him coming out of the fog,although I know this will come and go . I come here several times to keep me on track and not do or say something to send him back. Right now he seems to find excuses to come by and stays longer each time, I just don't want to get impatient and backslide so I come here to get reminded of what not to do. Thank you
My husband hasn't left yet, he told me the typical, something is missing, I never really felt love, I'd like to be happy 11 days ago, I cried asked him to think this over, and could we get counselling, NO to the counselling. The next day I asked for a hug, he did, and said I'm sorry... and since then radio silence on the topic. I've been doing my thing, trying to cope, find things to do with my time, cry alone, keep things together.. But I'm not sure the STATUS.. we have been married for 26 years. Not sure what my next move should be, I feel if he moves out, its hopeless. BTW we share a house now, and own one that vacant he could easily move there. Our sons bday is the 17th.. I'm sorta thinking he's hanging around until then...confused
We usually have confict in the family room as one of us will be having a drink. H has been drinking quite heavily over the last 2 years...think MLC started then, He was withdrawn, always traveling for work, or drinking and wanting to argue....his passive agressive personality really came to the fore then. But of course I was the source of his pain, and I never take responsibility. So now he is moving out tomorrow, he is 43, OW 26/my friend...EX friend. He is out this evening doing a walkthrough on the new apartment. Its 15 minutes away and he left 4:45hrs ago. I guess he has other plans. I asked if he was meeting her and he said NO i don't see her everyday. He saw her yesterday afternoon. He lies, lies, lies.....he is pinnochio Y Oh Y do they tell so many lies......he is out of the house tomorrow, couldn't he have given me one nights peace and waited until he moved out tommorrow!!!
hi everyone -- it has been a bit of time since I have been here on site -- my family is 8 months into this mess. My wife and I are doing ok, I think, but I was hoping to get some help. I am having a very difficult time watching my wife suffer so badly in one area: the manic 24/7 energy she is experiencing. She just can't seem to settle down at all. I do not critique, and try to make her laugh about it when I can, but I would love to know if there is something I can do to help. She told me yesterday that if she was not always moving that she would worry about going completely crazy...this is the only thing that has scared me so far in this process ... (except loosing my wife, of course)
We really spoke about what is going on with her for the first time yesterday, and I told her again that I would not give up on her, on us, or on our family. I think she finally heard me this time. I also told her that I knew there was an OM (likely EA, but I am not sure). I told her that I did not believe in adultery or divorce, but that I understood and would stand by her. She told me that she thought that was completely unfair to me; I explained that it was not up to her to define what I was willing to sacrifice for our family. Good solid day yesterday, and a good weekend ...
can any of you help me understand this manic energy thing?? it is very, very hard to watch someone you care about go through that ... thanks!
You need to start your own post so you can describe your situation in detail and get the specific help you need. No one will find you if you post on this generic post.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Any chances MLC can start at 32 with the birth of a child? Seems my husband has run from family responsibility straight to bars, younger friends and now an OW/EA.
M:34 H:34 S:4 I love you's:2004 Married: 2008 BD: March 2015 EA revealed: May 2015
It's actually easy. And as you make them, it gets fun.
