Thanks - I've placed my order with Amazon.............

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HAPPY_AGAIN's threads:


Finally free is not where its at

Finally free pt 2

FINALLY_FREE is not where it's at part 3

Page 215-216 in Divorce Remedy


"You need to gather all your strength to stop talking about the affair. In fact, it behooves you to stop asking questions about their relationship completely. The mroe you ask, the more your spouse will feel pressured. The more your spouse feels pressured, the more s/he will want to flee. Control yourself."

“You also have some investigative work to do. No, I don’t mean snooping around to find out what is really going on. Since you can’t approach your spouse with any information you discover, you are only hurting yourself by snooping. You need to figure out what is so darn appealing about this OP. Do they have a great sex life whereas yours has been paltry? Does s/he flatter your spouse a great deal, building his/her ego? Is s/he spontaneous, willing to do things at the spur of the moment, when you like to have thigns planned months in advance? Is s/he a good listener, always interested in what your spouse needs to say?

You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. You need to make some changes. Don’t tell your spouse that you are going to change or that things will be different, just start acting differently.”

Sg, In my case, there is no OW and my H sees my changes but chooses to dwell on the bad parts of our M. So he keeps bringing those up whenever there is R talk. So I don't exactly relate to the MLC chapter in DR. I have, from Day 1, been unsure that my H is an MLCer.

My H doesn't appear to be in MLC, except he's depressed and says "he found himself". He says he can spend his money anyway and whenever he wants to. He used to complain that I controlled his spending (i.e. get upset at him for buying such and such) and keep track of his eating habits and exercising techniques and routine. He understands that I meant well but he says he was scared of me when I cracked down on him. I guess I was hard on him but I have changed and realize that he needs his freedom. So this is also something he brings up.

BTW, R talk is very infrequent. Just had a long one last week, 13 months after the 1st. The 1st was 9 months post-S. There was a mini one in December. I didn't initiate the R talks, not pre-meditated anyway. They started as a result of something said or expressed. I follow his lead.
-PH

Plentyhope,

I agree with you. It may have more to do with depression.

We might need a special forum about that...what do you think.

I'm sorry I'm so late in responding...please feel free to hit 'notify' if you want me to respond. I'll get an email.

sg

YES! i think my H is Depressed and MLC has a few traits of this. He wasn't really ever that Angry with me. He has been sad for months prior to this...i had tried everything...give him space, ask if he needed anything, he reached out once for therapy but never followed through, then the BOMB after his actions were odd for a few weeks.

Now we are separated- he moved out. Im using LRT...he contacts me every few days via text ( i love having a marriage by text! ugh)...No OW...just very sad behavior from him.

I think he is depressed!! Help!

YES! i think my H is Depressed and MLC has a few traits of this. He wasn't really ever that Angry with me. He has been sad for months prior to this...i had tried everything...give him space, ask if he needed anything, he reached out once for therapy but never followed through, then the BOMB after his actions were odd for a few weeks.

Now we are separated- he moved out. Im using LRT...he contacts me every few days via text ( i love having a marriage by text! ugh)...No OW...just very sad behavior from him.

I think he is depressed!! Help!

Hi sg,

Thanks for responding. I know you're a very busy lady

I still vacillate between an MLC and depression, in diagnosing my H's crisis. Maybe it doesn't matter too much in the end. I try to keep MLC in mind in order to exercis special caution just in case he's in MLC and needs to be treated as such.

I think it might be a good idea to start Depression forum for those DBers who are dealing with depressed spouses, MLC or not. Since MLCers can also go through depression.
-PH

pisces, It's a good start that your H is contacting you! Have you read Divorce Remedy, - Depression and MLC chapters? Have you tried talking to a DB coach?

Take care of yourself in the meantime and keep busy while at the same time work out your DB strategies.

-PH