Looking backward but only to move forward SEVEN

[sgctxok]

great goals!

Happy New Year, sage!

[sage]

Thanks, SG.

Hey, I was going to email you...I don't seem to be able to lock threads successfully or even find the M forums...no worries if I've been kicked off the M team :-)

All is going GREAT with my goals...

I'm doing really well w/#1 -- WW day four and have done 3 days of exercise out of 4. Yay!

The listening (#2) is not 100% better but is definitely getting there. I'm doing really well truly listening to h...not so much if Charly is around.

Decluttering is tougher...off to accomplish 15 minutes of it right now.

sage

[Phoenix_spark]

These sound like some great goals. I hope your successful.

[sage]

Things are mostly going well here. I'm doing GREAT with my diet/exercise goal -- have lost a few pounds and feel terrific and really motivated.

Not so much decluttering which is BAD -- I KNOW if I just do it for a few minutes I'll get into it but I'm so drained that I just don't start. I NEED to get back to this -- especially as when I did do it for a few days, H noticed and commented on it.

Listening goal...well, I'm doing sort of ok with this except when the topic is a difficult one and then I'm back to my bad habits. H is talking about quitting his job and starting his own practice. I literally feel sick when he talks about it...um, why would you quit a stable job that pays us a stable salary and has low or no chance of resulting in firing or getting laid off in the midst of the worst economic climate since the Depression? That makes NO SENSE to me and I still haven't come up with a way to convey that that isn't going to scream "I'm not supportive of you" to him (he has heightened sensitivity to that). I was just starting to feel as though we were getting our financial feet back under us and now this. UGH.

So, then, gotta re-focus on the listening. I'll also add the goal of spending more quiet time with H (even though my head is reeling with thoughts of a jillion things to do). We have a long weekend ahead of us so that should help.

Sara

[amd]

Your goals sound excellent! Remember that these are baby steps for you, too. How's it going now?

[sage]

Well, it's been 2 months since I posted my goals...Easy enough to update them:

1. Diet/exercise to lose weight/get fit

SUCCESS! I've been doing WW since the beginning of the year and not only started the "couch potato to 5K" running program but COMPLETED it and have moved onto the "gateway to 8K" running program. I've lost about 13 lbs, and am up to running 3.6mi. I'm working out 5 days a week. Yay! I feel really good although the last few weeks I haven't lost any weight...I've been slacking a bit so I need to get rejuvenated. I've got about 3-8 lbs left to go so it's time to get re-motivated! A wonderful offshoot? H also started WW and exercising and he's lost about 30lbs!

2. STOP talking

Er...not so good. If DB'ing has taught me one thing (and it's actually taught me many), it's the power of making small changes in my own behavior to encourage changes in h's behavior. It's also taught me how my own crappy behavior can derail even the best of intentions. I am in full on "acting on every bad habit I've essentially ever had relationshipwise" mode which should make it easy to see some improvement.

3. START cleaning

UGH. Not good here, either. Again, I think would speak volumes to h so I need to get to it.

Updated goals:

1. Continue exercising and doing WWs to lose the remaining lbs.

2. Focus on small behavior changes that will have a large impact on relationship with h:
a. LISTEN MORE. SHUT UP. STOP TALKING! This will entail my getting back to my habit of saying about 50% of what I want to say. Especially off limits are comments on h's relationship with DD, negative/sarcastic comments about anything, leading/questioning comments.

b. FOCUS on h when I am with him. Make him, listening to him, relating to him, being with him a priority.

c. STOP scorekeeping. If I need a break, ask for it. STOP making out schedules in my head that show how much I'm doing vs how much he does.

d. Make time for in-house dates (we're doing well with dates outside of the house!). This could have a HUGE impact if I would find some time to make a special meal, suggest watching a show he's interested in, etc.

e. Start meditating again. I KNOW this helps me with anger and cluttered thinking...why aren't I doing it?


3. START CLEANING. 15 minutes a day, no excuses. Just do this. H will LOVE it.

Sage

[sage]

D day was in 2002 (November) and with time, lots and lots of DB'ing and "self-improvement" and work, our marriage got really, really strong and enjoyable and lovely. I can't recall the exact timing of it but certainly by 2004+, we were really, truly enjoying ourselves, being married, being together, etc.

I was thinking this AM about how truly happy we were then and it was a serious reality check. I really doubt that either one of us would claim to be "REALLY" happy right now. We certainly love each other, and I believe we are both committed to our marriage (and our daughter) but the shiny happiness, and honestly, the desire to make each other happy in that way has been severely depleted over the last few years. The good news is that I think for both of us, it's still recent enough, still in our bones a bit, that I don't think we've forgotten it's possible to feel that way about each other. At least, I hope he hasn't forgotten it's possible to feel that way. I hope he knows it's possible to get it back again.

1. Continue exercising and doing WWs to lose the remaining lbs.

did well with this yesterday and today so far.

2. Focus on small behavior changes that will have a large impact on relationship with h:
a. LISTEN MORE. SHUT UP. STOP TALKING! This will entail my getting back to my habit of saying about 50% of what I want to say. Especially off limits are comments on h's relationship with DD, negative/sarcastic comments about anything, leading/questioning comments.


Better on this yesterday (haven't had much of a chance today) but I still have to keep on my toes with this.

b. FOCUS on h when I am with him. Make him, listening to him, relating to him, being with him a priority.


Ditto.

c. STOP scorekeeping. If I need a break, ask for it. STOP making out schedules in my head that show how much I'm doing vs how much he does.

Did well with this yesterday. No issues today so far.

d. Make time for in-house dates (we're doing well with dates outside of the house!). This could have a HUGE impact if I would find some time to make a special meal, suggest watching a show he's interested in, etc.

Watched a show with him last night but bolted to bed once it was over....work on slowing down.


e. Start meditating again. I KNOW this helps me with anger and cluttered thinking...why aren't I doing it?


3. START CLEANING. 15 minutes a day, no excuses. Just do this. H will LOVE it.

Did 15 mins of each of these yesterday. Yay!

Other thoughts...I feel that I'm so angry of late...not just at h but at the world. I know that I can work on changing my attitude. I think he's getting used to "angry sage" and I want to show him that "happy sage" is the one to hang out with. I have to be careful, though, not to bottle things up so that "angry sage" comes flying out!

I feel truly remotivated. I know I've said this before but this time it does feel different. I want my joyful marriage back.

Sage

[sage]

Part of me is feeling calm, focused, able to DB again and part of me is feeling a little freaked out by the realization of how far we've drifted from our "peak". I don't know...maybe there are marriages out there that are smooth sailing day in and day out but I feel like once you've experienced the bomb dropping it's hard to let your guard down...or, in my case, it was hard to let it down, then I totally let it down (and stopped working hard, paying attention, etc.) and now I'm panicking a wee bit that it's too late. sigh.

Anyway, yesterday was mostly good -- I did fine on exercise/diet, did 15 minutes of cleaning (tho' I picked something that was not out in the open so I'm the only one who would notice..), and meditated. I tried to be open, listening, loving, warm to h. I think I did a good job but internally I had a tough time when he was very abrupt with Charlotte over a few things. But I kept my mouth shut and my opinions to myself! (and I think I kept my body language very neutral).

I am the WORSE declutterer. I wish I had the neat gene...would be easier to keep things clean at home.

Sage

[WCW]

Hi sage, I empathize with your goals. There's a lot to work on!

In this last week I've heard 'be in the now' and 'be in the moment' from a lot of sources. I'm trying to slow my mind down long enough to listen and heed the advice. My mind is too far forward, I have to bring it back to 'now', and enjoy life for the moment I am living.

There is always so much to do, but we need to remember to enjoy the moments we are in. Charlotte is growing up and you'll be wondering where all those years went so fast!

Where can we apply for the neat gene?

[sage]

Hey WCW!

I'm so glad to "see" you!

I am woefully lacking in the NEAT gene...it is awful. I think in part it has to do with my cluttered mind :-) or maybe my brilliant mind - haha -- I can think of ten different places where a particular thing "should" go (screwdriver goes to toolbox, kitchen drawer, upstairs to be in a handy place, etc.) so I never put it away. UGH.

Remind me...do you meditate? I'm back to it and I swear...4 days of 10 minutes a day and I can already FEEL the difference in my brain.

Feeling more optimistic today...still doing well on diet/exercise, am doing a good job of "listening" and being calm, scrubbed the shower floor last night as my cleaning exercise, etc. We have a date tomorrow night so that should be a big help, too. Looking forward to it.

Sage