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sage Offline OP
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Wow, do I even know how to do this anymore? (I mean the literal and figurative aspects of posting).

My last thread is here:

Looking backward but only to look forward SIX

Things are, well, good in many ways, better in my marriage in some ways, and worse in my marriage in others. How's that for cryptic? I consider myself a reasonably accomplished, organized, intelligent person and I cannot fathom why I am unable to seem to swing the mom-hood (she's almost 2!) and the wife-hood and the person-hood. I almost told h today how much I missed what I think of as our post-DB marriage (truly wonderful and happy)...I wish I had now because we had a HUGE fight later on...over eggs (or lack thereof if you can imagine) and I feel horrible and he was livid and I swear it was like the old days...him feeling as though he is trapped and challenged and questioned and misunderstood and me, well me, just feeling like crap.

I know my sitch isn't comparable to so many on the boards so I'm not expecting out outpouring but I swear compared to how we were pre-pregnancy, well, this just s**ks.

I need the program, I need to get my head screwed on straight. I was thinking tonight...is it really that much more effort to do things right? (My excuse in my head is always that I can't try more because I have no time and energy...but I almost think the way I WAS doing things was far less time consuming than this return to crapdom).

I really, really want my marriage back.

Sage


Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
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cI know my sitch isn't comparable to so many on the boards [/quote]
Hon, you dont' have to be a horror story to want some support. Being a fist time parent is very draining, it's brand new spanking ground and we learn as we go.

Quote:
I am unable to seem to swing the mom-hood (she's almost 2!) and the wife-hood and the person-hood.

it's tricky and hard. Personally, I made the mistake of making lots of assumptions "oh, H will understand that I'm too tired or not have time for him, etc etc)
I can only offer those basic pointers you get everywhere: make sure you guys have time alone without baby talk, your bedroom shouldn't have any baby toys in it, even if you really can't afford it try and get a sitter weekly/byweekly to go out.
Do something just for yourself (workout class/reading group,etc)
Dress nice and put on make up, stay away from baggy sweats :P


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

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I have peace in my heart, at last.
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kml Offline
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Hi hon.
In our case it was orange juice, not eggs ;\)
Somehow, in my H's mind, I was solely responsible for keeping the orange juice supply current. And if he had to - HORRORS - have breakfast without orange juice one morning, well, I was criminally negligent in my wifely duties.

What does it all mean? Well, I think there are a variety of factors that need to be looked at:

- his need to feel cared for. Men so tritely feel "neglected" when motherhood is sapping your energies. I know that's part of why the OJ issue was so big for my H; it's what it represented, that I wasn't thinking about caring for him. Reread the 5 Love Languages and figure out where best to put your limited energies to help him feel loved.

- sex. Face it, when things are going well in the bedroom at night, things during the day seem to go smoother. (Hard to yell at a woman who just gave you a great orgasm, or vice versa).

- get help. The best investment H and I ever made was getting a housekeeper to come in once every 2 weeks. Are there parts of your domestic chores you could outsource to keep the house running more smoothly and your time less stressed?

- dates. You two need a regular night out without the baby. I know it's hard, because you're working you want to spend all your available time with her, but it's important to HER welfare for her parents to have a good marriage.

- realistic expectations. Forget that whole "women can do it all" silliness we grew up with. A full time job plus motherhood equals two full time jobs. It's tough. Get creative. What are the areas of friction? What tends to fall between the cracks?

- take time for yourself. Make it a priority. I used to think I was being selfless by putting everybody in the family's needs before myself. Know what? My H didn't respect me for it.

Ellie

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So what are your goals?

BEGIN WITH THE MIND OF A BEGINNER \:\)


sg
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hi)

what was different how you were pre-pregnancy?


me, h - 40+
m-20+
s, d, ss - 20+
s, ow, pa since 04.2007
h back and forth 01.2008 - 05.2008
h decided to be w/ow 05.13.2008
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1415899&page=1&fpart=1
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(1) So, what, did H take too long picking up eggs and you were suspicious? If so, don't dismiss your intuitions too easily. You know as well as anyone that if you think an EA or PA is going on, it almost certainly is.

(2) Withholding being a good spouse is just like withholding sex. You are going to wind up with a lousy marriage, no matter how justified your resentment leading to the withholding behavior.

(3) Your H needs to grow up and feel/act like a good, strong, responsible, effective man. There is no way my XH could have done that with me. I made sure I fixed everything, averted all catastrophies, kept things working day to day, and so on. There was no space for him to be of significant importance in making sure our lives went well. I doubt I could have made space either. For it would have required me to function at too low a level. I take it XH has found that space with his new wife who is great in many ways, but certainly functions at a lower level in terms of some life skills. Why can't your H grow up and feel/act like a good, strong, responsible, effective man in your life?


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Originally Posted By: kml
Hi hon.
In our case it was orange juice, not eggs ;\)
Somehow, in my H's mind, I was solely responsible for keeping the orange juice supply current. And if he had to - HORRORS - have breakfast without orange juice one morning, well, I was criminally negligent in my wifely duties.

What does it all mean? Well, I think there are a variety of factors that need to be looked at:

- his need to feel cared for. Men so tritely feel "neglected" when motherhood is sapping your energies. I know that's part of why the OJ issue was so big for my H; it's what it represented, that I wasn't thinking about caring for him. Reread the 5 Love Languages and figure out where best to put your limited energies to help him feel loved.

- sex. Face it, when things are going well in the bedroom at night, things during the day seem to go smoother. (Hard to yell at a woman who just gave you a great orgasm, or vice versa).

- get help. The best investment H and I ever made was getting a housekeeper to come in once every 2 weeks. Are there parts of your domestic chores you could outsource to keep the house running more smoothly and your time less stressed?

- dates. You two need a regular night out without the baby. I know it's hard, because you're working you want to spend all your available time with her, but it's important to HER welfare for her parents to have a good marriage.

- realistic expectations. Forget that whole "women can do it all" silliness we grew up with. A full time job plus motherhood equals two full time jobs. It's tough. Get creative. What are the areas of friction? What tends to fall between the cracks?

- take time for yourself. Make it a priority. I used to think I was being selfless by putting everybody in the family's needs before myself. Know what? My H didn't respect me for it.

Ellie


Ellie, you rock!

Sage, hang in there. It's just another obstacle in the road. You are one of the strongest women I've known, and I know you can get through this.

Hope today is going better for you. (((((((HUGS)))))))

Valerie (formerly JV)

Last edited by ValerieA; 02/07/08 09:28 PM.

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown

"Piecing is not for the faint of heart." ~ sage
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sage Offline OP
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Hi everyone,

Thanks for the replies. I didn't mean to post and run (or whine and run) in my case (!!) but after I posted I just couldn't face coming back knowing how much work I have to do. Doesn't that sound awful? Sage of the color-coded goals, who would spend hours tackling the most minute of 180s?

Old timer, your point #2 "
(2) Withholding being a good spouse is just like withholding sex. You are going to wind up with a lousy marriage, no matter how justified your resentment leading to the withholding behavior." was a nice little wake-up call and a good counterpoint to my DB-laziness.

So, to address some of the points well made ...

Ellie and Cat, I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that we do go out 3-4 times a month (and we still can't keep harmony???!!! :-) ). It's costing us a fortune (cheaper than therapy I suppose) but we are lucky enough to have a great babysitter come usually 1x/week. Now, interestingly, LAST weekend (when I posted) Charlotte was sick so we were not able to go out.

Firekeeper, you asked how I was different pre-pregnancy and Oldtimer you said "Why can't your H grow up and feel/act like a good, strong, responsible, effective man in your life?", well the answer is that while DB'ing I learned to slow down, stop taking over everything, give h some space to be in charge, let him do things at his own pace and then I gave him oodles of appreciation for it. A win all around. Simply put, I'm much higher energy than he is so if something "needed" to be done, I did it and then resented him for not doing more. When I was actively DB'ing I re-wrote what it "needed" meant and started waiting longer before doing something and then h would get around to do it and I would lavish praise AND be happy about not having to do everything. That doesn't feel so simple to me now.

This is the MOST trivial, stupid, lameA$$ example but here goes: Charlotte is in daycare near my work, 40 minutes from home. H gets home most days around 5:30, I get home 45-60 minutes later with the girl. There's a good chance that she is going to "need" to eat pretty soon after walking in the door (despite the snack I feed her in the car on the way home)...do you see where this is going? Even though I spend time on the weekends cooking meals in advance so that we have stuff in the fridge, h seems to find it impossible to pull dinner together so that I don't walk in the door with a toddler clinging to my leg and have to work at dinner. Or, more honestly, he's able to do it for a day or two in a row and then he stops and then I complain and then...I KNOW it's stupid. and I KNOW that pre-DB I would have taken about 5 steps backwards and let him figure out that if he doesn't pull dinner together, we don't eat, and after enough time he would figure that out and start making dinner and I would be happy and praise him, etc.

Firekeeper, we just had a TON more time together pre-baby. H is a quality time guy through and through and not getting my undivided attention as much is taking its toll on him.

Valerie, thank you SO MUCH. You guys are all giving me the motivation to get my head screwed on straight.

Old timer, I'm not suspicious of an EA/PA at the moment. It's actually been a refreshing feeling of late as there have been moments in the last few years where I could not say that.

So, in all honesty, for all of my irritation, h has been doing more and is great with Charlotte. It just feels like pulling teeth sometimes. I can't quite answer the probing question about goals :-) quite yet but I can tell you the things that I think are in my power to change that are messing us up:

1. I feel angry, resentful, and/or impatient with h quite frequently.

2. I'm tired and spent and use that to justify not trying harder with h.

3. I feel disconnected from him and actually from a lot of people lately. This is reminiscent of pre-DB'ing when I just felt impatient with the world in general. I want to get back to a more peaceful state of mind.

4. Our sex life is non-existent. It would be easy for me to tell you that this is him not me but as we all know, it ain't that simple. What am I doing (or not) that's keeping him from being interested? (See anger, resentment and impatient comment above to start!)

5. He doesn't get my full attention at home even when it's just the two of us. By the time we get time together in the evening I just want to curl up and relax or read (or try to clean the house or get stuff done for tomorrow, etc.). Gone are the days when I would sit in rapt attention for him.

6. In general there's so much more tension and stress and chaos in the house than there was during DB'ing. Yes, the 30 inch 2 year old has lots to do with this but I've let it spill over into areas it doesn't need to.

OK, that's enough to start. I should probably do some work :-)

Back with goals soon (no more hiding my head in the sand!).

Sage



Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
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hi sage,

whining is ok if you have a plan how to do it different next time and you are developing it)

a little one will be a consideration for a while in terms of time, energy, etc. so i wonder if you can use it as an asset for a husband's desire for quality time - to engage in the activities in the community or with friends where three of you are having fun (major requirement). i would imagine you are already doing it so may be to do it more or more fun ones, where you and your husband can laugh at each other and at the little one and then look at each other and be happy to parent together. when my kids were little i would find tons of fun staff in a local parent newspaper or through libraries or community centers, a lot of it was for free.


me, h - 40+
m-20+
s, d, ss - 20+
s, ow, pa since 04.2007
h back and forth 01.2008 - 05.2008
h decided to be w/ow 05.13.2008
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1415899&page=1&fpart=1
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
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Posts: 10,805
Hi Sage...how are you?


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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