I am 40 y/o F, my H is same age and a terrific man, two teen G's. Been married 17 years, dating 18. We have a beautiful home, savings, business etc, but I am so unhappy. I met OM who I was attracted to for about a year before beginning what turned into a 1.5 year A. OM, 40 y/o never M says he loves me and wants to settle down but does not want me to D my family based on our relationship alone, duh I have never strayed until now.
My H is really lovely to me but we have had sexual issues, he wants all the time and can be nasty to me if I am not in the mood. Many years of manipulation and jealosy and what I have considered sexual/emotional abuse. Did MC last year for 3 months and things improved, but feels like things eventually went back to the way they were.
I don't know if my feelings for this OM is real or just fantasy. Told my H I wanted a D last week and after a couple days of suffocating me, he backed off after I told him to just give me space and we had a great weekend together. He does not know about OM, he would be crushed. I was so sure I wanted out and after reading on this site I just don't know. I don't want to regret my decision. I'd hate to stay and have things not work out and miss out on a possible relationship with this other person who I really care about, hate to move on and miss out on an improved marriage.
I know this doesn't give much detail about my history with H, we've had ups and downs, we've never been apart, he has always been there for me, I just don't feel the same passion and love for him anymore. I love being a wife and mom, he's the only family I have at all. I am in deep depression and begin C this afternoon.
No one can make your decisions for you. You just have to realize that you are also the one who has to live with them.
For me, the marriage and family I am in take priority over everything that came later. I made the commitment to my W and have always believe that I should finish what I start before going to do something new.
From where I sit the choice would be a no-brainer. But I am not in the thick of it. You are the only one who knows where your heart lies and what the outcome of your decisions will be.
I wish you luck and pray that God steers you in the right direction.
-B
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
Thank you Bryan and I understand what you are saying. I felt the very same way a couple years ago. I am extremely loyal and have always been faithful. There has been a crumbling over the past 2.5 years. I would beg him to spend time with me. It seems that when my girls didn't really need me anymore, I found myself alone. I did the girl scouts, sports, school helping etc.
For over a year I would try to be with him and he would sit in his office watching sports and running on his treadmill. I began going to the gym obsessively and got really in shape. We seem to get into a nasty fight every few months over dumb stuff. He finally got me to go to a swingers club a couple years ago, it is what he likes to do. He doesn't have friends or activties other than this. I began looking outside for some validation in political activities and volunteering for abused and neglected children. When this OP came by, I was attracted and felt if I could do it with strangers in a club to please my H I can at least do it with someone passionate and loving for myself. I know it's wrong and when I said I didn't want to go to the club, he freaks out that that is his only outlet and I a am selfish for not going with him.
My H and I can be really great friends and get along great when we aren't fighting. He can be loving when he wants, I just feel like there are no feelings left at this point. I am giving the OM the heave ho until I can work out how I feel and what I should do. OM is very understanding and doesn't want me to "run off" with him, I guess if it is real, he'll be there if things don't work out no matter how long it takes.
Finding this site certainly gave me pause last night, so I am going to do what I have to do for me and see where it all lands.
I would suggest reading Divorce Remedy. There is a lot of great information in there that may give you some ideas of things to try. I have had my world turned upside down in the last couple of months because I wasn't paying attention to my W and I let her down.
I can tell you that I won't be letting her down a second time. Hopefully I will get the chance to show her that.
I am sorry that you are in the sitch you are in, but you have come to a very good place. Many here have more experience and knowledge than I and are happy to share it with you. All you have to do is ask.
-B
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
I highly recommed you also read "after the affair" to help you sort your feelings for om. The fact that you are willing to stop it w/the op tells lots of you. Have u tried asking your H to go to counceling with you?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I know exactly where you are coming from. I have given you the link to my first post on the board. I hope you will read the responses that I got those first few days b/c it saved my 42 year marriage. I am still on the board and I've had my ups and downs, but I'm still in the M. The OM is a fantasy....one that we all have and as one person told me, he could never live up to the man in my dreams.
However, I would not take abuse from any man and if you feel that your H is abusive, I would either get out or he would agree to MC and get some issues resolved.
Some LBS can be harsh to us almost WAW's but please, please do not let that keep you from coming back. Not everyone is that way and I received my best advice from LBS. I have seen some women come here for help and get one harsh reply, much like the one you received, and never come back. Don't allow that to happen. You will find that most people here are not only looking for help, but want to help others.
You are welcome to talk to me anytime.
Take care.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know how tempting it is to take your feelings out on another almost WAW, but please, at least give them a chance. It is hard to come to this board where most are the LBS and ask for help when the WAS knows that most of you hate them. But at least these people are asking for help in their M. Give them that much credit. However, if you are perfect and without sin......then go ahead and throw the first stone.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't know if my feelings for this OM is real or just fantasy.
why does it even matter whether they are "real" or not?
seems to me, like the most important thing to you right now may be, "can you make a marriage with your husband, that will make you happy"?
Quote:
I'd hate to stay and have things not work out and miss out on a possible relationship with this other person who I really care about, hate to move on and miss out on an improved marriage.
Whoever you pick to be with, you are going to "miss out" on a whole bunch of other relationships. That's part and parcel of choosing ONE person to be with?
Similarly, i dont think you promised to be with your husband, "for as long as you feel in love with him". That makes for kind of an empty marriage vow, doesnt it? You promised to be with him, (reguardless of how you feel), for the rest of your lives.
Why dont you figure out what kind of relationship you would like to have. whether with your husband, or with someone else. Then tell your husband. Tell him that this is the kind of relationship you'd like to be in, and if your H doesnt want to work on that with you, then you'll find someone who will.
I think that the whole "swingers club" thing has to stop now and forever, though. Tell him if that's what he wants, ever again, then he is going to have to be single, to do it.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
WAW to be, Your sitch sounds very much like mine...I too left for the OM and trust me, like you asked, these intense feelings you feel for the OM will fade. I wouldn't have believed it at the time, but I see it now. I'm not saying whether you should or shouldn't leave, only you can decide that. I'm just saying you should read some of our sitch on here, and also the divorce rememdy book and than at least, you've looked before you leaped. Unlike myself, who left twice, and am now waiting for the H to decide if he wants me or not. One thing that Michelle said that really sticks in my mind is: You are better off fixing the problems that exist in your marriage than starting an entirely new relationship where new problems will exist as well!
It dosen't say the age of your children, but it is harder as well when you mix the children into the equation. My best advice would be to look before you leap and consider the other options at hand. My H also refused to go to counseling, and we had sexual issues as well, but they were mine not his (I was the sex-starved wife). As for the swingers club thing, the OM that I left the H for was into all that (didn't realize it at the time)...and I can be pretty open-mined in the sexual areana...but not that open... If you want to try and make it work with the H, than you are better off doing that, if it's meant to be, the OM will still be there if it dosen't work with the H. I've been in your shoes, and I wish you the best of luck with your decision.
saus
Me 40, live in WAW H 39 married 9 yrs seperated 18 months, apart 7 months D 4, 16 S 6, 19
Please don't quit the board. You need to keep trying to talk this out and seek advise and help. I know b/c I was in those shoes. There are a lot of people here that are willing to try to help you if you'll give them a chance.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Husband sounds like a possible sex addict. You yourself are an admitted adulterer and liar. I feel sorry for your children.
How DARE you speak to her that way!
I was all set to throw a bucket of cold water on this woman myself and then I caught wind of the "swinging" history. She has TWO CLEAR, SEPARATE issues, neither of which did she ask YOUR opinion on so unless you have something - oh let me go ahead and bite my tongue and say it - SOLUTION FOCUSED - to say, slink back to where you came from. I can not believe someone that has been a part of this site (EVEN for just a MONTH) would make the statement to a person that you just made to her! SHAME ON YOU. And I thought I was a b*tch!!
Now that said, wawtobe, don't walk anywhere right now. Not for the smoke and mirrors illusion you're getting from the other man especially! I am one of only a few MLC survivors that post on this board. That means it was ME that had a mid-life crisis. I destroyed my family and my husband and I are still separated. I have DB'd my tail off for the last 2+ years. I have seen many successes and I have what is now a very much restored friendship with my husband. We spend a lot of time together now but it was a long, painful haul for us both. Now that you know that much about me, I will tell you some of the things you don't know. But I will do that in good time. For now, it's good that you are here and although I will NEVER bullsh*t you, I will also not coddle you. I have a good many hard lessons learned and surely many more on the way. I am here to share them. I wouldn't be here though had it not been for seeing your thread tonight while I was reading without being logged in. The above quote by that other poster is what brought me back online. You don't have to put up with that kind of bull from anyone no matter what transgressions you admit to here. Even so, you should separate yourself from the other man for the time being. Also, tell your husband to shut up as far as swinging goes. What you have in your life right now is two very selfish men. Yes, the wonderful "other man" included. Men who run with married women are selfish among other things you will soon learn.
Ah, one of the self-appointed experts chimes in. I knew it would only be a matter of time.
AmyC, if you look at my signature, I've been on the site for more than a YEAR, not a month, but of course I have not posted 10,000+ messages like you, since I have a job, children, hobbies, etc.
I spoke a very direct truth to the original poster. It seems quite likely that her husband is, in fact, a sex addict. I don't make this judgment lightly and I know from personal experience what I'm talking about. If he is an addict, and she ignores it, she's in for a world of hurt. As for her adultery, it is self-evident from her own admissions. And she should be held accountable, not treated as some kind of victim.
One thing WAW's need is a bit of unvarnished truth told to you. If someone had told my wife the truth about what she was doing, rather than endorsing her BS and validating her own victimhood, maybe she would not have destroyed my family, and maybe I could have spared my children the pain they now must endure.
Amy, you yourself admitted that you destroyed your own family, so who are you to give advice?
And I still do feel sorry for the kids. They are the innocent victims of their parents self-indulgent and self-destructive behavior.
"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George
Ah, one of the self-appointed experts chimes in. I knew it would only be a matter of time. That statement right there is the first indication that you don't know a damn thing about me. I don't think myself an "expert" at anything other than being hardheaded.
AmyC, if you look at my signature, I've been on the site for more than a YEAR, not a month, but of course I have not posted 10,000+ messages like you, since I have a job, children, hobbies, etc. You spoke like a bitter newbie that doesn't have half a clue what he's involved in or any of the dynamics that are at play. My bad...but nevertheless...
I spoke a very direct truth to the original poster. It seems quite likely that her husband is, in fact, a sex addict. I don't make this judgment lightly and I know from personal experience what I'm talking about. If he is an addict, and she ignores it, she's in for a world of hurt. As for her adultery, it is self-evident from her own admissions. And she should be held accountable, not treated as some kind of victim. First and foremost, this woman was here stepping up and taking responsibility for HER role in the current state of her marriage. You can't even BEGIN to fathom the set of balls it takes to just do that WITHIN ONESELF much less to lay the whole dirty scene out on a public message board for the likes of you to come along pick apart. Her husband's issues notwithstanding, you sideswiped someone that came here for help and shame on you for doing so. How much have you been helped here? Tell me, what makes her less deserving than you? NOTHING. It doesn't matter which side of the fence any of us came over to get here but I can tell you this - you NEED the point of view of the WAS, so don't friggin climb up on your high horse with me and knock one of us around because I WILL come out and tell you the news. Your attack on her was uncalled for. You wanna b*tch at somebody, call your wife. Don't you dare lash out at a woman that comes here for help & understanding - she isn't your wife so keep it between the lines when you post. This woman NEVER CAME BACK. How would you feel if your wife reached out for help and someone came along & smacked her down and said they felt sorry for her children? That is disgraceful. We ALL make mistakes that our children NEVER see and I pray to God none of them ever know of. To bring her children up came right from this place of anger that you obviously reside. Your vision is skewed and you SKEWERED HER because of it. If there is nowhere for a WAW to go and hash out all that is wrong within them, they are left alone and without hope. Whether or not you like her, she probably had something she could have taught you. You don't know what you might have run off. You posted irresponsibly to a newcomer and if you've been here a year, you know better.
One thing WAW's need is a bit of unvarnished truth told to you. THIS I agree with 100%. Too many people get caught up in the crap a WAS spews. But the thing is, they spin it good because they believe it so before you can start speaking the truth to a WAS, they have to come to a certain degree of understanding about it on their own. There is no getting around that. Otherwise, you're just gonna come off "holier than thou". If someone had told my wife the truth about what she was doing, rather than endorsing her BS and validating her own victimhood, maybe she would not have destroyed my family, and maybe I could have spared my children the pain they now must endure.
Amy, you yourself admitted that you destroyed your own family, so who are you to give advice? I'm one that destroyed my family and I understand the dynamics that were at play in my head and heart when I did it. Moreover, I know what it has taken me to grow up, fess up and and the pure hell it takes to suck it up and still manage to stand.
And I still do feel sorry for the kids. They are the innocent victims of their parents self-indulgent and self-destructive behavior. Again, agreed. But you're not a children's advocate, you're a left behind husband so your judgment is lopsided and besides that, we all already know the kids are innocent and that they are being harmed by these messes their families are in and those that don't realize it will come to in due time. That's their cross to bear. Bear your own.
AmyC.........you go girl! You were one of the first few that responded to my call for help and if I had received a post from a bitter LBH like this poor woman did, I am sure I would have left my H and never looked back b/c I felt I had a lot of reasons to do so, but you helped me to get my head on straight and I hope you will continue to help all of the wawtobe.
The sad thing is that I know of about three women that were just "thinking" about walking away and got the nerve to finally come here for help and some bitter, angry person told them what a sinner they were and we never heard from them again. I haven't noticed any men that are thinking about leaving reaching out for help here on the board........maybe they don't have enough courage, or.....
Anyway, I just hope in the future that everyone will remember that this board isn't just for the LBS.........at least I didn't think it was. If the WAS is an intruder, someone (qualified) please tell me so. However, if not, then I would think the WAS is trying to DB, also, by coming here for help and advice.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Okay, my apologies to the guys out there. I read his thread and saw where he was going to leave the board, but I wish he wouldn't. I wish more men would come forward and talk about this.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well, I'm afraid we have lost another WAW due to harsh words to her when she got the nerve to come forward and post here. Please, please LBS be careful what you say to these new people. If you can't encourage them, then just don't say anything.
It breaks my heart everytime I see this happen b/c it could have been me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
