Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 74
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 74
WAW to be,
Your sitch sounds very much like mine...I too left for the OM and trust me, like you asked, these intense feelings you feel for the OM will fade. I wouldn't have believed it at the time, but I see it now. I'm not saying whether you should or shouldn't leave, only you can decide that. I'm just saying you should read some of our sitch on here, and also the divorce rememdy book and than at least, you've looked before you leaped. Unlike myself, who left twice, and am now waiting for the H to decide if he wants me or not. One thing that Michelle said that really sticks in my mind is: You are better off fixing the problems that exist in your marriage than starting an entirely new relationship where new problems will exist as well!

It dosen't say the age of your children, but it is harder as well when you mix the children into the equation. My best advice would be to look before you leap and consider the other options at hand. My H also refused to go to counseling, and we had sexual issues as well, but they were mine not his (I was the sex-starved wife).
As for the swingers club thing, the OM that I left the H for was into all that (didn't realize it at the time)...and I can be pretty open-mined in the sexual areana...but not that open...
If you want to try and make it work with the H, than you are better off doing that, if it's meant to be, the OM will still be there if it dosen't work with the H.
I've been in your shoes, and I wish you the best of luck with your decision.

saus


Me 40, live in WAW
H 39
married 9 yrs
seperated 18 months, apart 7 months
D 4, 16
S 6, 19
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
wawtobe,

Please don't quit the board. You need to keep trying to talk this out and seek advise and help. I know b/c I was in those shoes. There are a lot of people here that are willing to try to help you if you'll give them a chance.

Sandi


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 12,896
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 12,896
Originally Posted By: Struggling_Husba
Husband sounds like a possible sex addict. You yourself are an admitted adulterer and liar. I feel sorry for your children.


How DARE you speak to her that way!

I was all set to throw a bucket of cold water on this woman myself and then I caught wind of the "swinging" history. She has TWO CLEAR, SEPARATE issues, neither of which did she ask YOUR opinion on so unless you have something - oh let me go ahead and bite my tongue and say it - SOLUTION FOCUSED - to say, slink back to where you came from. I can not believe someone that has been a part of this site (EVEN for just a MONTH) would make the statement to a person that you just made to her! SHAME ON YOU. And I thought I was a b*tch!!


Now that said, wawtobe, don't walk anywhere right now.
Not for the smoke and mirrors illusion you're getting from the other man especially! I am one of only a few MLC survivors that post on this board. That means it was ME that had a mid-life crisis. I destroyed my family and my husband and I are still separated. I have DB'd my tail off for the last 2+ years. I have seen many successes and I have what is now a very much restored friendship with my husband. We spend a lot of time together now but it was a long, painful haul for us both. Now that you know that much about me, I will tell you some of the things you don't know. But I will do that in good time. For now, it's good that you are here and although I will NEVER bullsh*t you, I will also not coddle you. I have a good many hard lessons learned and surely many more on the way. I am here to share them. I wouldn't be here though had it not been for seeing your thread tonight while I was reading without being logged in. The above quote by that other poster is what brought me back online. You don't have to put up with that kind of bull from anyone no matter what transgressions you admit to here. Even so, you should separate yourself from the other man for the time being. Also, tell your husband to shut up as far as swinging goes. What you have in your life right now is two very selfish men. Yes, the wonderful "other man" included. Men who run with married women are selfish among other things you will soon learn.


I'll be seeing you...


AmyC




Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
Dear waw...

You've received harsh words and also good advice. Folks here wish to help you spare yourself and your family the amount of pain they've gone through.

I wish and pray for you the wisdom and strength to do the things that will be good for your family, that will heal all your hearts.


The truth is....you know what the right thing to do is.

sg


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 186
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 186
Quote:
How DARE you speak to her that way!


Ah, one of the self-appointed experts chimes in. I knew it would only be a matter of time.

AmyC, if you look at my signature, I've been on the site for more than a YEAR, not a month, but of course I have not posted 10,000+ messages like you, since I have a job, children, hobbies, etc.

I spoke a very direct truth to the original poster. It seems quite likely that her husband is, in fact, a sex addict. I don't make this judgment lightly and I know from personal experience what I'm talking about. If he is an addict, and she ignores it, she's in for a world of hurt. As for her adultery, it is self-evident from her own admissions. And she should be held accountable, not treated as some kind of victim.

One thing WAW's need is a bit of unvarnished truth told to you. If someone had told my wife the truth about what she was doing, rather than endorsing her BS and validating her own victimhood, maybe she would not have destroyed my family, and maybe I could have spared my children the pain they now must endure.

Amy, you yourself admitted that you destroyed your own family, so who are you to give advice?

And I still do feel sorry for the kids. They are the innocent victims of their parents self-indulgent and self-destructive behavior.


"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Moderator
Offline
Moderator
J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
SH,

Your anger touches everything.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 12,896
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 12,896
Originally Posted By: Struggling_Husba
Quote:
How DARE you speak to her that way!


Ah, one of the self-appointed experts chimes in. I knew it would only be a matter of time. That statement right there is the first indication that you don't know a damn thing about me. I don't think myself an "expert" at anything other than being hardheaded.

AmyC, if you look at my signature, I've been on the site for more than a YEAR, not a month, but of course I have not posted 10,000+ messages like you, since I have a job, children, hobbies, etc. You spoke like a bitter newbie that doesn't have half a clue what he's involved in or any of the dynamics that are at play. My bad...but nevertheless...

I spoke a very direct truth to the original poster. It seems quite likely that her husband is, in fact, a sex addict. I don't make this judgment lightly and I know from personal experience what I'm talking about. If he is an addict, and she ignores it, she's in for a world of hurt. As for her adultery, it is self-evident from her own admissions. And she should be held accountable, not treated as some kind of victim. First and foremost, this woman was here stepping up and taking responsibility for HER role in the current state of her marriage. You can't even BEGIN to fathom the set of balls it takes to just do that WITHIN ONESELF much less to lay the whole dirty scene out on a public message board for the likes of you to come along pick apart. Her husband's issues notwithstanding, you sideswiped someone that came here for help and shame on you for doing so. How much have you been helped here? Tell me, what makes her less deserving than you? NOTHING. It doesn't matter which side of the fence any of us came over to get here but I can tell you this - you NEED the point of view of the WAS, so don't friggin climb up on your high horse with me and knock one of us around because I WILL come out and tell you the news. Your attack on her was uncalled for. You wanna b*tch at somebody, call your wife. Don't you dare lash out at a woman that comes here for help & understanding - she isn't your wife so keep it between the lines when you post. This woman NEVER CAME BACK. How would you feel if your wife reached out for help and someone came along & smacked her down and said they felt sorry for her children? That is disgraceful. We ALL make mistakes that our children NEVER see and I pray to God none of them ever know of. To bring her children up came right from this place of anger that you obviously reside. Your vision is skewed and you SKEWERED HER because of it. If there is nowhere for a WAW to go and hash out all that is wrong within them, they are left alone and without hope. Whether or not you like her, she probably had something she could have taught you. You don't know what you might have run off. You posted irresponsibly to a newcomer and if you've been here a year, you know better.

One thing WAW's need is a bit of unvarnished truth told to you.
THIS I agree with 100%. Too many people get caught up in the crap a WAS spews. But the thing is, they spin it good because they believe it so before you can start speaking the truth to a WAS, they have to come to a certain degree of understanding about it on their own. There is no getting around that. Otherwise, you're just gonna come off "holier than thou". If someone had told my wife the truth about what she was doing, rather than endorsing her BS and validating her own victimhood, maybe she would not have destroyed my family, and maybe I could have spared my children the pain they now must endure.

Amy, you yourself admitted that you destroyed your own family, so who are you to give advice? I'm one that destroyed my family and I understand the dynamics that were at play in my head and heart when I did it. Moreover, I know what it has taken me to grow up, fess up and and the pure hell it takes to suck it up and still manage to stand.

And I still do feel sorry for the kids. They are the innocent victims of their parents self-indulgent and self-destructive behavior. Again, agreed. But you're not a children's advocate, you're a left behind husband so your judgment is lopsided and besides that, we all already know the kids are innocent and that they are being harmed by these messes their families are in and those that don't realize it will come to in due time. That's their cross to bear. Bear your own.





Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
AmyC.........you go girl! You were one of the first few that responded to my call for help and if I had received a post from a bitter LBH like this poor woman did, I am sure I would have left my H and never looked back b/c I felt I had a lot of reasons to do so, but you helped me to get my head on straight and I hope you will continue to help all of the wawtobe.

The sad thing is that I know of about three women that were just "thinking" about walking away and got the nerve to finally come here for help and some bitter, angry person told them what a sinner they were and we never heard from them again. I haven't noticed any men that are thinking about leaving reaching out for help here on the board........maybe they don't have enough courage, or.....

Anyway, I just hope in the future that everyone will remember that this board isn't just for the LBS.........at least I didn't think it was. If the WAS is an intruder, someone (qualified) please tell me so. However, if not, then I would think the WAS is trying to DB, also, by coming here for help and advice.

Sandi


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,947
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,947
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I haven't noticed any men that are thinking about leaving reaching out for help here on the board........maybe they don't have enough courage, or.....

Here's a recent thread from a WAH. He's been posting on the Infidelity board.

one unfaithful's perspective


Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Okay, my apologies to the guys out there. I read his thread and saw where he was going to leave the board, but I wish he wouldn't. I wish more men would come forward and talk about this.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard