I am 40 y/o F, my H is same age and a terrific man, two teen G's. Been married 17 years, dating 18. We have a beautiful home, savings, business etc, but I am so unhappy. I met OM who I was attracted to for about a year before beginning what turned into a 1.5 year A. OM, 40 y/o never M says he loves me and wants to settle down but does not want me to D my family based on our relationship alone, duh I have never strayed until now.
My H is really lovely to me but we have had sexual issues, he wants all the time and can be nasty to me if I am not in the mood. Many years of manipulation and jealosy and what I have considered sexual/emotional abuse. Did MC last year for 3 months and things improved, but feels like things eventually went back to the way they were.
I don't know if my feelings for this OM is real or just fantasy. Told my H I wanted a D last week and after a couple days of suffocating me, he backed off after I told him to just give me space and we had a great weekend together. He does not know about OM, he would be crushed. I was so sure I wanted out and after reading on this site I just don't know. I don't want to regret my decision. I'd hate to stay and have things not work out and miss out on a possible relationship with this other person who I really care about, hate to move on and miss out on an improved marriage.
I know this doesn't give much detail about my history with H, we've had ups and downs, we've never been apart, he has always been there for me, I just don't feel the same passion and love for him anymore. I love being a wife and mom, he's the only family I have at all. I am in deep depression and begin C this afternoon.
No one can make your decisions for you. You just have to realize that you are also the one who has to live with them.
For me, the marriage and family I am in take priority over everything that came later. I made the commitment to my W and have always believe that I should finish what I start before going to do something new.
From where I sit the choice would be a no-brainer. But I am not in the thick of it. You are the only one who knows where your heart lies and what the outcome of your decisions will be.
I wish you luck and pray that God steers you in the right direction.
-B
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
Thank you Bryan and I understand what you are saying. I felt the very same way a couple years ago. I am extremely loyal and have always been faithful. There has been a crumbling over the past 2.5 years. I would beg him to spend time with me. It seems that when my girls didn't really need me anymore, I found myself alone. I did the girl scouts, sports, school helping etc.
For over a year I would try to be with him and he would sit in his office watching sports and running on his treadmill. I began going to the gym obsessively and got really in shape. We seem to get into a nasty fight every few months over dumb stuff. He finally got me to go to a swingers club a couple years ago, it is what he likes to do. He doesn't have friends or activties other than this. I began looking outside for some validation in political activities and volunteering for abused and neglected children. When this OP came by, I was attracted and felt if I could do it with strangers in a club to please my H I can at least do it with someone passionate and loving for myself. I know it's wrong and when I said I didn't want to go to the club, he freaks out that that is his only outlet and I a am selfish for not going with him.
My H and I can be really great friends and get along great when we aren't fighting. He can be loving when he wants, I just feel like there are no feelings left at this point. I am giving the OM the heave ho until I can work out how I feel and what I should do. OM is very understanding and doesn't want me to "run off" with him, I guess if it is real, he'll be there if things don't work out no matter how long it takes.
Finding this site certainly gave me pause last night, so I am going to do what I have to do for me and see where it all lands.
I would suggest reading Divorce Remedy. There is a lot of great information in there that may give you some ideas of things to try. I have had my world turned upside down in the last couple of months because I wasn't paying attention to my W and I let her down.
I can tell you that I won't be letting her down a second time. Hopefully I will get the chance to show her that.
I am sorry that you are in the sitch you are in, but you have come to a very good place. Many here have more experience and knowledge than I and are happy to share it with you. All you have to do is ask.
-B
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
I highly recommed you also read "after the affair" to help you sort your feelings for om. The fact that you are willing to stop it w/the op tells lots of you. Have u tried asking your H to go to counceling with you?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I know exactly where you are coming from. I have given you the link to my first post on the board. I hope you will read the responses that I got those first few days b/c it saved my 42 year marriage. I am still on the board and I've had my ups and downs, but I'm still in the M. The OM is a fantasy....one that we all have and as one person told me, he could never live up to the man in my dreams.
However, I would not take abuse from any man and if you feel that your H is abusive, I would either get out or he would agree to MC and get some issues resolved.
Some LBS can be harsh to us almost WAW's but please, please do not let that keep you from coming back. Not everyone is that way and I received my best advice from LBS. I have seen some women come here for help and get one harsh reply, much like the one you received, and never come back. Don't allow that to happen. You will find that most people here are not only looking for help, but want to help others.
You are welcome to talk to me anytime.
Take care.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know how tempting it is to take your feelings out on another almost WAW, but please, at least give them a chance. It is hard to come to this board where most are the LBS and ask for help when the WAS knows that most of you hate them. But at least these people are asking for help in their M. Give them that much credit. However, if you are perfect and without sin......then go ahead and throw the first stone.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't know if my feelings for this OM is real or just fantasy.
why does it even matter whether they are "real" or not?
seems to me, like the most important thing to you right now may be, "can you make a marriage with your husband, that will make you happy"?
Quote:
I'd hate to stay and have things not work out and miss out on a possible relationship with this other person who I really care about, hate to move on and miss out on an improved marriage.
Whoever you pick to be with, you are going to "miss out" on a whole bunch of other relationships. That's part and parcel of choosing ONE person to be with?
Similarly, i dont think you promised to be with your husband, "for as long as you feel in love with him". That makes for kind of an empty marriage vow, doesnt it? You promised to be with him, (reguardless of how you feel), for the rest of your lives.
Why dont you figure out what kind of relationship you would like to have. whether with your husband, or with someone else. Then tell your husband. Tell him that this is the kind of relationship you'd like to be in, and if your H doesnt want to work on that with you, then you'll find someone who will.
I think that the whole "swingers club" thing has to stop now and forever, though. Tell him if that's what he wants, ever again, then he is going to have to be single, to do it.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
