JJ Thinking small is hard for people to do because we want results now. I want results now. I want to be invited to return home. Deep down I know this will take a long time for this to happen. Thus I can only take baby steps to accomplish this task. Thank you for the advice and I will try to stay focused on the small things.
If she would just call me to chat I would say I have seen a sign. Or that she was softening.
Sure I believe small steps can go anywhere.
PS you never responded to my 2nd post on Too Little Too Late
Tks
__________________________________________________________
A glimpse of hope since I recieved the letter
Two pieces of life have shifted for the better
Now I lie in wait for number three
For my beloved wife to return to me
Quoting Keystone: Thinking small is hard for people to do because we want results now. I want results now.
I think we all do, Keystone!
I believe that the trick is to set your goals according to Michele's suggestion, and to keep them "small, positive, doable, and action-oriented".
Keep your long-term goals in mind, but also set some SMALL goals that can be obtainable in a week or two. This makes it easier to see some positive momentum, and helps to give you incentive to keep you reaching towards your larger goals.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I waited for so long for some baby steps from my H. After months of waiting, he called. He came over. Things went quite well. I got excited and thought maybe we were moving in the right direction.
Then for approximately a month, I did not see or hear from him. Lo and behold, he called again and wanted to come over. For six weeks, he called once a week and came by once a week for a couple of hours. I thought everything was going well, even though I knew he was still with the OW. For the first time, I had hope.
Not so. The first flurry was to get me to give him the title to the boat so that the bank would give him a loan for repairs to the motor. This turned out to be a big fat lie. He wanted it so he could trade the boat in on another boat. Now instead of the big nice boat we had, which was paid for, he now has a new, smaller boat which is not feasible for any rough conditions on the lake or in the bay.
The next flurry was to soften me up to ask for money. Don't ask me what he planned to do with the money because I don't know. All I do know that it wasn't to be applied to bills to get out of debt as he claimed. You see, I do know he is fiscally irresponsible. I just don't know what the OW wanted - this time.
Baby steps. I don't think so. Conniving and manipulative steps, I know so. It is my belief that my H is one of those that Michelle talked about when she said their minds are already made up when they walk out and they have no intention of ever returning. He has never deviated from his statement that he doesn't want to be married and that this marriage is dead and it is over. Nothing I do or say makes a difference. Oh yes, he notices my changes and he likes them. He knows they are permanent after 17 months of separation and observation. However, my changes are not sufficient to bring him home. At this point in time, he won't even be seen with me in public.
All my "baby steps" turned out to be were more emotional and sexual battering rams at an already battered, almost dead, LBS. I know this sounds bitter. I don't mean for it to be that way. It is simply the truth.
My suggestion to everyone would be to look closely, not only for the baby steps, but to look for a pattern in those steps to make sure what is seen is a true baby step and not a spouse taking more advantage of an already bad situation.
Here's a list I've posted on my thread on separated - I found it quite useful to make myself focus on the positive responses/reactions I'm getting, rather than the negatives of the situation...
It's too easy to get bogged down in the mire, and after all, "what we focus on expands"
* V. day card and roses * Took me to his parents' house as a change of scenery * Called me twice when working in States recently * Always tells me he loves me "lots and lots and lots" * Says he can't imagine ever being with anyone else * Says he can see us getting married some day * Stays in my bed and cuddles * Says he thinks I'm v. talented * He's concerned about my welfare when I go away to London * Tells me I'm gorgeous * Says I've got a better bum than Kylie LOL * Told me he'd take me to Italy if I want to go * He's "not ruling out" the idea of having children (!!) V. much ruling this out before... * Says he wants me to go away with him to work 100% * When I was sick on holiday and went into the other room, he followed me and sat with me until I felt well enough to go back to bed (although I was suspicious after that - what didn't he want me to check on his mobile phone, which he had no need to bring?...) * Says he loves to hear me singing - makes him realise how much he loves me * He's agreed to write with me * When he was last here, he came to my house to let me know he had to go back to work early, instead of just going and leaving me wondering * He brought the aftershave I bought him for christmas with him, and sneaked upstairs to put it on. When I commented that it smelt nice, he said he was trying to do the right thing * He brought a video and popcorn and cakes just because "they looked funny" and he wanted to make me happy * He promised to ring me when he got through with work that weekend, and he did, then called again midweek * Always says I smell nice when he hugs me
I hope to be able to add to this list....!
Mel
It's time to live, it's time to love, it's time to do what's afraid of
It's time to breathe, time to relieve, it's time to shine
Just something I read in a comedy/fantasy novel recently, which made me smile:
(Scene: A street in Ankh Morpork, pre-rebellion...)
A match flared in the dark, and they turned to see Vimes light a cigar.
"You'd like Freedom, Truth and Justice, wouldn't you, comrade sergeant?" said Reg encouragingly.
"I'd like a hard-boiled egg", said Vimes, shaking the match out.
There was some nervous laughter, but Reg looked offended.
"In the circumstances, sergeant, I think we should set our standards a little higher - "
"Well, yes, we could, said Vimes, coming down the steps. "But...well, Reg, tomorrow the sun will come up again, and I'm pretty sure that whatever happens we won't have found Freedom, and there won't be a whole lot of Justice, and I'm da*n sure we won't have found Truth. But it's just possible that I might get a hard-boiled egg..."
(In the end, Vimes got his hard-boiled egg - thinking small pays off )
Hope it makes you smile too... Mel
It's time to live, it's time to love, it's time to do what's afraid of
It's time to breathe, time to relieve, it's time to shine
