No thanks! Hey, WCW, why don't you put some of your money in the stock market to instill a little confidence ... or do you hate america?
nothing much to say. Posting to lock out this thread ... my first. I think I'm ready for the DB chapter of my life to be sealed. I'm finding new comfort and a new routine. I don't want to be reminded anymore of where I came from. Only where I'm going.
Here I am again. Took 45 mins to get through all the sitches of all my friends here. I've spent so many hours on this BB since my sitch began.
And here I am on my thread, thinking about those others who have left. Girlfromipanema doesn't post, gForce is pretty much gone, bridgestone has begun withdrawing, I've left, AG was forced out. Whatever happened to peaches40, or whitneypinch?
Strange, these people you interact with here, sharing your innermost thoughts, and then you sort of drift on. Your wound scars over and becomes numb, and in a way you become numb. And the scar tissue is there and real, and it will never be the same.
We can all move on and be positive and make a life out of our lives, but that scar tissue is a hard reality, isn't it? It's the reminder. But in that reminder, at least for me, or as I'm coming to realize, is the future. The scar tissue means you've survived and recovered, not good as new but wiser and more experienced.
Yes, it leaves a scar. Just like physical wounds do. Good thing it does heal though. I sometimes think how gruesome we would all look if we had to go through the rest of our lives with all our injuries showing -- broken arms and legs, broken teeth, red inflamed eyes, etc. I guess we wouldn't have to worry about finding love anymore. People would run away at the sight of us!
Hey, I'm not gone -- just a lot less active. There are still a few threads I check on every day. It's impossible to be so emotionally intimate with a group of caring people and just shut it off. At least I don't think I'm that emotionally sterile.
Anyway, you sound so down. I think you have learned a lot about yourself, relationships, and what you want from a life partner. When you are ready, I am confident you'll find someone that appreciates you and gives you back what you deserve from her. Hang tough. Chicks dig tough.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
you're gone, and that's okay. That's the whole point. Not saying you're emotionally sterile, but there's real life and then there's online life. Real life is the more satisfying.
I'm not down. Just come on here to vent. I won't be ready for another relationship for awhile, but that's okay. I feel lonely, but maybe I need that time to reinvest in myself.
Chicks may dig tough, but that doesn't mean I'll change who I am. Chicks can either dig me or ditch me, I am who I am - a sensible person with a keen feeling to understand the role of self within society.
I was just getting ready to post you something about Maggie Scarf when you moved. Can't remember exactly what I was going to respond to since it's been a while now, but I do find her outlook & analysis to be pretty informative.
Especially interesting is her theory on why triangles (affairs)develop, which is "part of a natural effort to preserve the emotional system as it is--to counter changes which may menace it or lead to its eventual demise."
She does add that the triangles do prevent the system from changing in either direction, becoming better as well as getting worse.
So, in some ways it makes it easier when the R moves out of that stuck stage. It's unfortunate that your W didn't choose to address your M. Her loss, b/c a man like you " a sensible person with a keen feeling to understand the role of self within society", isn't easy to find.
Sarah says this well;
I see DB preparing people to withstand divorce if it is inevitable, but to be the best version of themselves so that they are attractive to the WAS if he/she should happen to change his/her mind. And if not, then you have centered yourself and strengthened your independence and are ready to go out in the world and begin again with more knowledge about human relationships than you had the first time around. And I think you have done that Lodo. I think you are a DB success. Now your wife is another story....
So why does DR make me feel guilty? Why does it make me feel more of a failure because I want to get on with my life? Yes, I could ignore the incredible pain and hurt my XW intentionally did to me. I could ignore the fact that she would immediately chuck a long term relationship in favor of a fleeting attraction. I could ignore that she did everything in her power to prevent us from reconnecting. But I won't. I don't want to because I wouldn't never accept that kind of behavior in anyone else, so why should I accept it in her?
My feelings/thoughts exactly. Now, if you throw in the last few confusing actions of stbxH (which I didnt even post here so my friends wouldnt tell me to think about it...), you probably can understand the GUILT I feel I am pushing this to the end. Some of my friends here, still very much DBing, dont get me. I can see that. Some that have turned "that" corner understand.
We may be/have been in slightly different situations but the end is the same. And the scar is the same/similar. And it makes me feel ugly. And I wish I didnt have it even if that meant I was still that "mean" person, ignorant about human relationships. But I guess, too late for wishing. I might as well use some make up to cover it, or just flash it around as a trophy from a war well fought but lost. You know what? Maybe our scars lodo, will add to our "charm" (especially to men, you are lucky). Maybe someone will love this scar on us... I bet when that happens, we will forget it is there... K
Kalni! Thanks for finding me. I feel bad that I haven't been checking on old friends but am swamped. Thanks for your thoughts. I'm sure someone will love us, scars and all!
Decided to post because I spent a lot of time thinking this weekend. I find that I've moved into a new mental place and feel good about that. I still have lingering thoughts of XW but that's more out of habit than anything else.
Next week marks the 1-year anniversary of bomb. What a whirlwind ever since! I've spent so much time feeling like a failure, but it wasn't just me. W was too focused on her own career to prioritize fixing a slumping M. Looking back, I realize what she meant when she said certain things. Probably most importantly was when she told me that she knew I supported her and was willing to work hard to make the M work, but asked whether it was fair of her to come back to the R with conditions. She then said she wasn't good at sustaininig LTRs and hadn't followed through on our promise to get through the period of graduate work together. And to think she asked for a D 5 weeks after moving out!
I think that sums it up. Her conditional return would have been to ask not to be involved with each other, so she'd have time and space to completely focus on herself. In other words, no R regardless. I guess I should appreciate that she was honest with me and I just didn't hear or understand completely. The A wasn't the cause, it was simply a symptom of the kind of person she is and the state of our M in relation to other events.
I sometimes feel bad because she seems to have so completely moved on, has little need of me or our former life, is surrounded by friends, and is succeeding at her work. I'm still trying to catch up after the shambles of events leading up to D, I've made a few new friends but not many, and I miss times spent with my XW. But, like I said initially, I AM finding a new mental place to be in and I know that what I focus on expands. It just takes time and I'm comfortable with that.
I'm also okay with not pursuing friendship with XW. I know she doesn't appear to understand that, but I'm comfortable with it. I find it hard to think of relying or confiding in her the way I'd want to do with a friend. I miss her and our conversations, but I don't need them to be happy. She has always left people feeling like she keeps them at arms length; she's better at surface relationships. That is nothing I look for in a friend.
So, long post. But baby steps do help you move forward. I forgive XW; I always have. But that doesn't mean I agree with her or respect her decisions.
It is good to hear you are doing well... I think you are right in staying away from exW.... My exW wanted initially to be "friends"... I nipped that in the bud...... I did NOT want her holding me back from moving on with my life.........
I hope things continue to improve for you...
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
