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#1292273 - 12/11/07 01:29 PM Hopeful but unsure what's next
lodo Offline
Member

Registered: 11/30/07
Posts: 2063
Loc: west coast
Hi all,
Have been finding it very helpful to read these boards and wanted to post my own dilemma. We've been together 12 years, M 5. Bomb dropped near the end of Oct - ILYBNILWY. W moved out immediately because she was extremely stressed from work & graduate school and didn't want to work on or think about a problem relationship. She agreed to MC, though.

Since then, we've had productive MC sessions, set goals, and she has followed up on action items, like asking me to do something and initiating a hug. I've been GALing and doing 180s and she has noticed. But now we're in a limbo period. She says she keeps thinking and saying to herself that she just wants to be alone, but she has put her wedding ring back on and we've had some really good, relaxed (and non-R-discussing) evenings. She also has admitted (in round-about fashion) that she still senses the deep connection we share. But she doesn't want to think about it.

So what do you do in these in-between periods? Last night she stopped by to get some clothes and we talked in relaxed but circular fashion until she said "We have a lot of things to work out, but we have time." She still hasn't committed to working on the R (though she obviously is by going to MC), so don't know how I should take this. I'm now trying to pull back and give time and space, but it's hard when our conversations are always in my head. I guess I feel like we've started piecing, but not really. Any advice to someone trying to maintain hope?
_________________________
Divorced: 10/26/08

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#1292741 - 12/11/07 08:35 PM Re: Hopeful but unsure what's next [Re: lodo]
WCW Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/05
Posts: 4986
Hi lodo, welcome to Hopefulness!
Quote:
she said "We have a lot of things to work out, but we have time."
Do you know what things she is thinking about? Other than her stress at the time think about her reasons for leaving you and her home. It sounds like she was pretty busy with things, were you able to help and support to take some of the pressure off of her?

Try and be a friend even while you are doing 180's and GAL. See if you can give her enough space to see if she will miss you and let her come to you.
Good luck!
_________________________
Live your life while you are still living.
Riding the trail less traveled.

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#1292880 - 12/11/07 10:15 PM Re: Hopeful but unsure what's next [Re: WCW]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
Watch her actions. Following through with counselling and action items speaks volumes of her love for you.

I really encourage you to get the KLA tape/CD series because it will encourage you to focus on t he positives.

Because WHAT YOU FOCUS ON EXPANDS.

Please feel free to join us in the KLA forum with or without the tapes.

It will keep you solution-focused.

Keep up the good work.

In the meantime, the in-between times...build your life...have fun...enjoy it. Life is short. But life is GREAT.
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#1292925 - 12/11/07 11:33 PM Re: Hopeful but unsure what's next [Re: WCW]
lodo Offline
Member

Registered: 11/30/07
Posts: 2063
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: WCW
Hi lodo, welcome to Hopefulness!

Thanks WCW - I hope this is really where I should be posting \:\)

Quote:
she said "We have a lot of things to work out, but we have time." Do you know what things she is thinking about?
I don't know if she intended that to mean that we had to sort out living arrangements (right now she's at her aunt's, but we've talked about renting a place for her) or our relationship. She's very approachable until it comes to the R and then she puts up a wall, though will talk about it in MC and has been willing to do things suggested in MC. We both are pursuing grad degrees on top of full-time jobs and our M has been nothing more than roommates for awhile as a result. Since the bomb, I can feel myself GAL daily (though I've had big slips), but she doesn't see that.

I'm trying to be a friend, but it's hard to balance being a friend with giving space and focusing on myself. Still new to this and can't figure out where her boundaries are. Guess I need to be more patient!
_________________________
Divorced: 10/26/08

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#1292929 - 12/11/07 11:40 PM Re: Hopeful but unsure what's next [Re: sgctxok]
lodo Offline
Member

Registered: 11/30/07
Posts: 2063
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: sgctxok
Watch her actions. Following through with counselling and action items speaks volumes of her love for you.

Thanks for the support sgctxok. Do you really think this is love? Because of the quick separation and her unwillingness to talk, I felt like this was just a way for her to part without feeling guilty. I guess I should give her more credit, but the last few months have been so painful.

Quote:
I really encourage you to get the KLA tape/CD series because it will encourage you to focus on t he positives.

I'll check them out - I have gone through DR several times now.

Quote:
In the meantime, the in-between times...build your life...have fun...enjoy it. Life is short. But life is GREAT.

Thanks - I'm trying! Some days are easier than others and I've had a really hard time meeting friends where we currently live. I appreciate the postings and support on the board.
_________________________
Divorced: 10/26/08

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#1296420 - 12/14/07 09:09 PM Re: Hopeful but unsure what's next [Re: lodo]
lodo Offline
Member

Registered: 11/30/07
Posts: 2063
Loc: west coast
This is hard. More encounters this week and more of a roller coaster ride between extremely positive conversations and then sudden pull-back.

I've left the house for a long weekend so she can be there, but was feeling extremely low and wondering if the relationship was even worth pursuing. After all, it's been 2 months and even though we connect really well, she gives so little in return. Keep re-reading the boards, though, and need to remember to stay positive. Went for a long run and felt much better.

Maybe part of it is the time of the year. Everywhere I go, everyone seems so happy and I feel so outside all of that. And it gets dark so early.
_________________________
Divorced: 10/26/08

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#1297898 - 12/17/07 12:48 AM Re: Hopeful but unsure what's next [Re: lodo]
lodo Offline
Member

Registered: 11/30/07
Posts: 2063
Loc: west coast
Man, maybe hopeful was the wrong place to post. Talked to W tonight. Good conversation, relaxed. I asked if we could talk about R and she agreed - was very forthcoming. I told her what I appreciated so far and what I hoped we could work on in the future. She responded to most stuff, but ended by saying that she just wanted to be alone, she didn't want to think about the R, and she didn't feel like working on R but she thought things were comfortable between us and didn't feel bad about being around me. I tried to stay confident and positive, said that her willingness to participate in MC and to do action items spoke loudly to me that she still cared and I realized it would take time. I also said I needed to show her a supportive side to our relationship so that she had somewhere to turn besides herself. The thing is, she has this great ability to just completely shut down her emotional side and concentrate only on herself and her rational side, so this could go on for months and months.

Also found out that she is planning a dinner party at our house for a bunch of our friends tomorrow. That sucks. I guess I don't really care who knows and who doesn't, but a party? And this after she made a big deal about who we tell?
_________________________
Divorced: 10/26/08

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#1297919 - 12/17/07 03:02 AM Re: Hopeful but unsure what's next [Re: lodo]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
Iodo-

Don't get discouraged. Spouses often feel put on the spot when the R is b rought up and focus on the negative.


"The thing is, she has this great ability to just completely shut down her emotional side and concentrate only on herself and her rational side, so this could go on for months and months."

And so you have information now that a Relationship Talk is not a good idea for the both of you. It actually isn't how relationships are built anyway. Just build the actions, build the friendship.




Stay the course, keep b elieving, stay focused, on the high road.
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#1297933 - 12/17/07 05:17 AM Re: Hopeful but unsure what's next [Re: sgctxok]
GFI Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/07
Posts: 584
Hi Iodo-

Even without the great advice in DR/DB and from fellow DBers I found pretty early on post-bamb that R talks were pretty fruitless and if anything usually resulted in very negative outcome. They could send me heading down, down, down for days on end.

When I switched onto this fact I found that what benefited me and hopefully W most at that stage and still is, was giving space for us both to just "be" and get on with normal stuff. For me this was done in a heightened, more self aware way. At first it felt like every move and word could be analysed and judged but even so it was better than the big events R talks had become. It also gave me an opportunity to try tweaking my life and actions / reactions and get my analytic head on - seeing what worked / works and what doesn't without too much being invested in any one single action. When you enter a R talk there is so much riding on it, one false move can put you in Check and then it can be a job to recover.

For me this approach has given me the opportunity to shine a selective spotlight on GFI the guy, the wonderful guy I can be and am becoming, to work on the back-story and get it developed and honed into something that is as irresistable as possible.

I think this is same tack as mentioned above. R talks are pursuing and everyone here will advise laying off them, despite evry sinew in you wanting to brings your R up at every opportunity you can in order to penetrate S's shell.

Best - GFI
_________________________
Me: 40ish
W: 40ish
Together: 20 ish years
Married: 10ish Years


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#1298039 - 12/17/07 09:11 AM Re: Hopeful but unsure what's next [Re: GFI]
lodo Offline
Member

Registered: 11/30/07
Posts: 2063
Loc: west coast
Thanks guys -

I knew I shouldn't bring R up after all the reading I've done, but she seemed willing to discuss and had acted very positively around me lately. Learned that lesson the hard way. Not that it was all bad - it was a pretty good conversation I guess. I just don't understand how she can completely shut down her emotional side. She is the first to admit this.

Friendship, right. Guess I better start divvying up my goals into smaller baby steps.

thanks for the support! Lodo
_________________________
Divorced: 10/26/08

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