We have been reading about so many marriages that are ending lately. There is so much sadness here. I know most of the people who are here aren't the people who are experiencing reconciliation. There are some, but they are few. On my other thread (which I think will be locked soon) I mentioned a thread for those who know of successes to reply. There are some questions we all have concerning the 3-5 years it seems to take the MLC to pass. I thought it would be interesting to put this out there for any information from those who experience or know of successes first hand. It would be even more interesting to hear from some of the WAS who have come back. There are a MLCers who have posted here, but I don't recall any of them being involved in a reconciliation. This may not be the forum to find these people, but it would be interesting information for those of us who are trying to learn, understand and hang on during the most difficult time in our lives. So I'll put this up and see what happens. We all have questions we want to ask to one who knows.
Libnor sent some of us an e-mail about a person who was a WAS and did reconcile after a divorce even. He stated that things were not all that great during the time he was in the fog, even with OW. I'd certainly like to hear more about this.
Vee -
I'm replying, not because I reconciled with my spouse, but mostly because one of my first posts (just a while back ) was Success Stories... I was very dedicated to finding the success stories, so I could repeat.
First, I'll give those I know that have reconciled, anyone please chime in with those I've forgotten... WonderWoman, AlexN, HeartBlessings, DebM, CarolK ... see, I know there's more and have forgotten...
I know it's so hard for everyone to see, but I and so many others are Successes, just for making it thru to the other side. I was such a big mess... my marriage, but most importantly, my family were my life and I thought it ended. I'm so much better now. It is so much hope to know that your happiness, nor your family is dependent on one person. My girls are thriving and we are our own family... this bb helps get you through with your dignity and get you past the bitterness by understanding.
Frosty, I do remember your post on this. What I was thinking was that these people might want to share some of the details about this, such as how long did the process take, did their mates ever really talk about their confusion and happiness, etc. I know many of us have questions we'd like to ask just to help us understand and cope with this. Thank you so much for your reply. I agree we are all successful in that we have integrity and have not given up easily.
Vee, do you ever read Maree's thread here? She waited 5 years and her husband has recently come around, look her up. Also you probably saw the thread I bumped up, two success stories, in there I have a brief story about my inlaws and there are some other stories too that people posted. They don't have all the detail you are looking for but most of them have some general timelines. Hope this helps. Wonder
Yes, I read Maree's story, but unless I missed something, I wasn't aware it was a success--yet. I thought she had met someone else and was reluctant to end that relationship, although she did. I hadn't read that she and her h. were actually on their way to reconciling for good. If I remember correctly she was having some doubts, which I think would be very understandable considering she ended a relationship with someone she cared a lot about in order to try again with her h. This has to be very difficult. I have been wondering how things are going for her.
Hi guys! LisaKate over in Piecing is a success story. She DB'd for 3 years, and is now back with her H, and making a go of it. She is a wonderful girl, and really NEVER gave up that there was hope. She stays in touch with me almost daily, and is such an inspiration to me! Cindy
Cindy, I remember seeing Lisakate here occassionally, but don't remember a lot of detail. How long has she been married? I just don't see many success stories in the "older" group--25+ years (32 this spring for me).
I am now 36 and my husband is 40--this started when he was 37 and I was 32.
Reconciliation within my marriage does not necessarily make me a "success".
As Frosty posted, the very fact of coming through to the other side REGARDLESS of whether the marriage makes it or not, makes a "success" out of each person.
Life takes many twists and turns during a spouse's MLC-and it all goes back to DB techniques, doing more of what works, less of what doesn't, and leaving everything else in the hands of the Lord.
When I used the DB techniques, I didn't know that was what they were-they were taught to me by someone who'd been in my shoes before, and after I realized I really needed help, I listened carefully, researched heavily, prayed hard, and put what I learned into action.
You have seen me post here many times concerning different things, telling hard truths no one wanted to hear.
And it all came back to learning the lessons, regardless of whether the marriage made it or not, and hoping the WAS would decide to come back into the marriage to experience the NEW LBS, and give it another try.
I have seen many that wanted the "quick fixes", but it is NOT to be. I had to go through this, it was the only way to get to the other side.
Even if a divorce occurs, the lessons must STILL be learned, and if they are not learned, they are recycled until they are learned, or you die, one of two things.
I wasn't the only one saddled with deciding if I wanted the marriage-my HUSBAND had to decide, too.
And I prepared for either possibility, and sometimes my heart was heavy, because I knew it could go either way.
I just know that when I changed, HE changed and came forward-and I had to shut my mouth many times or if I opened it, I undid some things, and it took that much longer for him to come through.
Letting him go was the hardest thing I ever did, but once I learned to let it ALL go, I saw things accelerate, because he had NO pressure on him to either recommit or not recommit.
And I saw him come back on his own-he never left physically, but was gone emotionally.
It has been three years, four months, since his crisis started-and though he is out of the tunnel, the changes in him continue and I continue to stand by, and just love him, be his friend, although there's nothing to fear from him in the way of rejection, etc, anymore.
I found out something was wrong a year and a half ago in September 2001, and for three months, I couldn't see the forest for the trees-I was so busy sucked up in his drama, he was running harder and harder away from me. I was trying to control what he was doing, and it wasn't working.
I was guided into understanding that I had changes to make and fought them at first--but in the middle of the third month, understanding broke, and I asked the Lord to change me into what my husband needed-and He granted my request, as well as showing me the areas of my life that needed improving.
You see, it all came back to ME-I could do NOTHING for my husband; I couldn't control him, I could only control ME.
And, like I said, when I changed, HE changed--but though things got worse before they got better, I didn't give up.
I endured insults, emotional hurt, projection, listening to him blame me for HIS problems-these things I was able to withstand and come through, and it WASN'T easy.
In the end, he recommitted to me, but it was only AFTER I changed, and let it all go to the Lord to deal with-as long as I interfered, things got worse and worse.
The bottom line is this:
MLC'ers are ADULTS, and will do what they want to do when they think they have to do it-doesn't mean they are right, but you must decide what you will do--wait or go on with your life.
And even while you are waiting, you can get on with your life AS IF the MLC'er is NOT in it-life DOES go on at some point, and if you are "stuck" it will pass you by.
I wasted three months fighting what I knew I had to do-but in the end I took the journey and grew into what I needed to become.
And that took time-in the meantime, my husband was on his journey that I could do NOTHING about, but watch and pray.
EVEN if my marriage had NOT made it, I would STILL have been a success, because I let this mold and shape me, helping me to grow into a more mature adult.
IF he'd have left me, I would have had to get on with my life, regardless, I was already prepared for either possibility.
Not every marriage survives this-it depends on BOTH people and they must decide in one mind and one accord, although that may occur at different times.
I advised, partly based from my own experience, and partly from that of others, as some things I didn't face.
You can read a bunch of success stories, but you need to really look for the TOOLS that were used in bringing about that success, and it all comes back to the journey taken and the changes made within YOU to come through this mess becoming a stronger, better person than you were before it all happened.
HSB, thank you for taking the time to post. I know there are many ways I have become stronger since I began this journey. So many things seem very unimportant now and I see that as a permanent change in me. But I feel I have a long way to go to really feel strong. I feel so broken and discarded. It has made me very vulnerable and hesitant to be hurt again.
I agree that if we get through this in body and mind we are a success. However, I still would like to hear from others who have reconciled, esp. 25+ years of m. There just doesn't seem to be many at all. It's too bad that more of the MLC'ers don't post here--the one's who like Paul have made it through. Their insights, like his are invaluable in understanding.
Hi Vee, I heard Frosty calling my name...... First and foremost, I need to reiterate that the growth we all go through in this process makes us success stories. Sometimes, the marriage really shouldn't be "saved" and by finally having the courage to recognize that and move on and grow, you become the success story Frosty and countless others here are.
That said, ask away! (Married 17 years when bomb dropped mid-99........"reconciled" since August 2000)
Thanks for posting, Wonder Woman. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to ask questions.
l. When did you realize your h. was going through "something."
2. Was there OW involved? Children?
3. What precipitated the reconciliation? Is there a specific thing you said or did that made your h. move in your direction?
4. Did your h. tell you he didn't love you?
5. Were you separated or did you continue to live together?
6. Did you get counseling?
7. Did you continue to talk and see each other during this time?
8. Did your h. say he wanted a D.?
9. Was your h. angry with everything you did or said?
10. Had your h. talked about what he was experiencing during this time? Did he know something "not right" was going on with him? Did he ever realize this was his journey and had nothing to do with you?
I think that is enough for now. Thank you so much.
Hi Vee, Be careful what you ask for - I have a tendency to be long-winded......... FYI, I try to stay off the bb (posting) for the most part for a variety of reasons. First of all, my story is almost ancient history, secondly, I do not want to give anyone false hope for a reconcilliation - every story is unique. But you asked, and I offered, so here goes.
l. When did you realize your h. was going through "something." Oh, silly me, like most - I realized it when he hit me with the "It's over" speech. Looking back, though, I can say there wee clues I just wasn't picking up on - I was way too busy with my own life.........
2. OW? OF COURSE! Children? 30 - 27 - 18 His, not mine - but we were VERY CLOSE - one still lived with us (30 year old).
3. What precipitated the reconciliation? Is there a specific thing you said or did that made your h. move in your direction? Who the heck knows???? Sorry for the flippancy, but my H was the poster child for flip/flop. Honestly, I think my "moving on" had the greatest effect on him.
4. Did your h. tell you he didn't love you? Why, of course he did!
5. Were you separated or did you continue to live together? We never separated. That was the most bizarre part of all this for us - we lived together, slept together, shopped together, vacationed together, all while he made his plans to "run away from home" and would go off to see OW several times a week (with my full knowledge). Vee, you really have to know my entire story to even begin to understand this one.
6. Did you get counseling? I went to counseling, he never did.
7. Did you continue to talk and see each other during this time? See answer to 5 above.
8. Did your h. say he wanted a D.? Oh yeah, that came about 6 months into it. We finally had a date set to "file jointly." He woke up about a month before the target date.
9. Was your h. angry with everything you did or said? Yes and no.............. This is where I differ a lot from many of the stories on the bb. He WOULD get angry with me, he didn't want to be around me, but he found a different outlet to blame all his problems on and that was his work. So I guess I was very lucky in that respect. Actually, as much as he totally disrespected me and made my life hell (I allowed it, though), he was very nice to me a lot of the time in his words, etc. I can't really explain it, but he would tell me what a wonderful person I was, pretty, smart, etc...
10. Had your h. talked about what he was experiencing during this time? Did he know something "not right" was going on with him? Did he ever realize this was his journey and had nothing to do with you? My H talked about his feelings, etc. more during that short time than the rest of our marriage all together. He is pretty closed up again in some ways, which scares me to some extent.
He fully realized he was in a deep depression, but REFUSED any professional help - yes, knew it was his problem he had to work through. Almost to his demise.......meaning he decided that HE had to overcome the depression all on his own. I think he still believes his only problem was "depression" and "vulnerability" (OW). We do talk about it once in a while and I get a new piece here and there. Somewhere, down inside, I think he realizes ther was more to it, I'm just not sure he has it all figured out yet.
He ALWAYS said it had nothing to do with me (well except I "abandoned" him - go figure!)
Is that enough? Aren't you sorry you asked? Somewhere I have a short synopsis I put together for Barbie Doll a year or so ago, I'll try to find it and give you the link.
#1 - My wife told me in early 9/02 that she wanted a divorce. That was the first inkling I had of a problem. She came and said that she didn't love me anymore and never had. That we had always been a mistake, etc. Line after line that you would read in DR.
#2 - Wife had met OM in late 7/02 that she became interested in. Affair lasted about two months. We have been married 17 years this week, four kids 9-13.
#3 - I went looking for support for divorced Dad's on the web in 9/02 - stumbling across DR and divorcebusting.com. After spending an hour on the site, I went from thinking I'd be getting divorced to thinking that I had a 70%+ chance of saving my marriage. I lived DR, and will always live DR, and also read "Women in mid-life Crisis" by the Conways. This brought about change in me, and subsequently in my wife over the last few months. She now acknowledges MLC, though I also admit I contributed to it in too many ways, including teasing her inappropriately about her body and not helping around the house or helping with the kids enough. Wife's friends and others told her repeatedly to think carefully about what she was doing - I had many allies that are "her" friends who supported me in my desire to save my marriage.
#4 - She told me that so damned many times I couldn't count them all. Every single one tore my heart out.
#5 - She spent a couple of weeks sleeping at a girlfriends house. Our kids knew something was going on, but they didn't know what.
#6 - We went together once. She went a second time and won't go back, she doesn't believe that it would help in any way. I went a number of times, may go some more too, but not sure yet.
#7 - Yes. From the outside looking in, our life looked normal.
#8 - see answer to #1.
#9 - Constantly. My efforts at saving our marriage were met with anger and frustration. She said she had prayed for months that I would change - but never told me that I needed to change or that she had a "deadline" of 7/02 for me to do so. She also said that I destroyed her plans. She and the OM had decided that they were each others only true love and that they would be lifepartners - I screwed that up by "changing". I have changed - and it's all for the better!
#10 - She didn't know that she was experiencing MLC, though she acknowledges it now. I did contribute to it as noted above, I don't think it would be as severe if I hadn't.
Based on a conversation that I had with W last night, I consider myself and my marriage a "success story". I give us a 99.9% chance of making it for life now. I have DR and my contacts at divorcebusting to thank for it. THANKS to all of you who gave me advice when I needed it the most.
I have a really personal question to ask. How do any of you deal with the issues of sexual intimacy knowing that your spouse has been with someone else? Have you asked a lot of intimate questions about what they did, etc.? Do you feel it's affected your sex life now?
I have real concerns and questions about this should my H and I reconcile. Thanks.
I have a success story that will touch you all. It's my own parents. 22 years ago at the age of 51, my Dad announced that he was leaving after 30 years of marriage. There was an OW and also a drinking problem involved. My mother took the news harder than anyone I've ever seen. I remember picking her up off the floor and staying at the house for fear of what she might do to herself. It was horrible!
My mother didn't have the help of DBers, she just seemed to figure it all out on her own. She first learned how to handle the house and finances, she got a legal seperation, she lost a ton of weight and eventually she started dating.
My Dad's R with the OW broke up and he returned home. My Mom asked him to go to C. He agreed and then once he was home stopped going. The reconciliation was too soon, the drinking hadn't stopped and they broke up again.
This time my Mom sold the house, bought her own place with her 1/2 of the money and filed for D.
To make a long story short, Dad returned again and this time meet all her requirements. He moved into her place and they began to rebuild. Fifteen years ago, the grandkids were teasing them so much about living in sin that they decided to remarry. My husband and I stood up for them.
Now here's the touching part. Not long after they remarried my Dad was diagnosed for a long term terminal illness. My Mom never questioned the committment that she made to him. She has cared for him and loved him as we would hope someone would care for us. Dad recently was placed in a nursing home to give Mom the rest she needs. But she won't rest. Mom is by his side every day, feeding him and dressing him and loving him. My mother is 72 years old and should be an example to all of us what Love really is!
State Flower
"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar
What a story. How long was your mom and dad apart? What do you think made your dad wake up? Your poor mother had to go through the sep. twice? Do you think the second time was easiser for her?
A wonderful friend that I work with has really made it thru a tough time. She and her H separated 19 years ago. One morning, she woke up to her H saying "I don't love you...... Bla bla bla... Never did.. I'm leaving.. Find someone else." She had 2 small kids at the time, and was totally blown away.. For 1 year, she DB'ed without even knowing it- for Michele's book wasn't written yet. She stayed positive, continued with her life and career, and did the best she could. SHE NEVER LOST HER FAITH.. Even when everyone told her that he would NEVER come back, she hung in. He moved in with OW and came by once every other week to see the kids briefly. About a year into it, he started coming around more; showing more interest in his old family... He eventually moved back in, and as she said "It was not easy for a while." They went to counseling (finally) and things got more comfortable as time went on. They formed a new love and relationship based on their new outlooks and went on to have 2 more kids. When my H left 6 months ago, I spoke with my friend's H about his "crisis" as he calls it. He told me this: "Cindy, this has very little to do with you... It has to do with your H. He is so confused now- like he is in a dark room with no windows.. He can't see any way out of the mess he has slid into. But time will hopefully help him to see that all the things he has now are built on lies and lust. He needs to stop and look in the mirror and REALLY LOOK at himself- all the way inside.. He will.. It's going to take a long time; but when he does, if you're still there, he will be new and improved and appreciate you far more than he ever could have before." ..Words from a MLC'er who luckily got back the family he could have lost.... ~Cindy
Cindy: I can only hope and pray that that will happen to me too. I have to admit I'm feeling really down and discouraged and have little hope. However, thanks for sharing your friends' story. Maybe just maybe a miracle will happen for me too. ICBI
Cindy, thanks so much for posting this story. I too have been seeing hope fade more every day. I want to hang on until h. gets through this, but I have been so discouraged that I'm hanging on to something dead that will never have life again. This story made me feel a little more hopeful in a situation that looks so hopelss right now.
I love this thread. Thanks for starting it. It would be great to get some of the piecing gals over here to share their stories. They have offered me a lot of great input. Maybe I can round them up.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
) was Success Stories... I was very dedicated to finding the success stories, so I could repeat.
Cindy 