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#127974 03/21/03 04:20 AM
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We have been reading about so many marriages that are ending lately. There is so much sadness here. I know most of the people who are here aren't the people who are experiencing reconciliation. There are some, but they are few. On my other thread (which I think will be locked soon) I mentioned a thread for those who know of successes to reply. There are some questions we all have concerning the 3-5 years it seems to take the MLC to pass. I thought it would be interesting to put this out there for any information from those who experience or know of successes first hand. It would be even more interesting to hear from some of the WAS who have come back. There are a MLCers who have posted here, but I don't recall any of them being involved in a reconciliation. This may not be the forum to find these people, but it would be interesting information for those of us who are trying to learn, understand and hang on during the most difficult time in our lives. So I'll put this up and see what happens. We all have questions we want to ask to one who knows.

Libnor sent some of us an e-mail about a person who was a WAS and did reconcile after a divorce even. He stated that things were not all that great during the time he was in the fog, even with OW. I'd certainly like to hear more about this.

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Vee -
I'm replying, not because I reconciled with my spouse, but mostly because one of my first posts (just a while back ) was Success Stories... I was very dedicated to finding the success stories, so I could repeat.

First, I'll give those I know that have reconciled, anyone please chime in with those I've forgotten... WonderWoman, AlexN, HeartBlessings, DebM, CarolK ... see, I know there's more and have forgotten...

I know it's so hard for everyone to see, but I and so many others are Successes, just for making it thru to the other side. I was such a big mess... my marriage, but most importantly, my family were my life and I thought it ended. I'm so much better now. It is so much hope to know that your happiness, nor your family is dependent on one person. My girls are thriving and we are our own family... this bb helps get you through with your dignity and get you past the bitterness by understanding.

Hope this helps.

I did have to smile when I saw the title!

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Frosty, I do remember your post on this. What I was thinking was that these people might want to share some of the details about this, such as how long did the process take, did their mates ever really talk about their confusion and happiness, etc. I know many of us have questions we'd like to ask just to help us understand and cope with this. Thank you so much for your reply. I agree we are all successful in that we have integrity and have not given up easily.

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Vee, do you ever read Maree's thread here? She waited 5 years and her husband has recently come around, look her up. Also you probably saw the thread I bumped up, two success stories, in there I have a brief story about my inlaws and there are some other stories too that people posted. They don't have all the detail you are looking for but most of them have some general timelines. Hope this helps. Wonder

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Yes, I read Maree's story, but unless I missed something, I wasn't aware it was a success--yet. I thought she had met someone else and was reluctant to end that relationship, although she did. I hadn't read that she and her h. were actually on their way to reconciling for good. If I remember correctly she was having some doubts, which I think would be very understandable considering she ended a relationship with someone she cared a lot about in order to try again with her h. This has to be very difficult. I have been wondering how things are going for her.

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Hi guys! LisaKate over in Piecing is a success story. She DB'd for 3 years, and is now back with her H, and making a go of it. She is a wonderful girl, and really NEVER gave up that there was hope. She stays in touch with me almost daily, and is such an inspiration to me! Cindy

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Cindy, I remember seeing Lisakate here occassionally, but don't remember a lot of detail. How long has she been married? I just don't see many success stories in the "older" group--25+ years (32 this spring for me).

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I am now 36 and my husband is 40--this started when he was 37 and I was 32.

Reconciliation within my marriage does not necessarily make me a "success".

As Frosty posted, the very fact of coming through to the other side REGARDLESS of whether the marriage makes it or not, makes a "success" out of each person.

Life takes many twists and turns during a spouse's MLC-and it all goes back to DB techniques, doing more of what works, less of what doesn't, and leaving everything else in the hands of the Lord.

When I used the DB techniques, I didn't know that was what they were-they were taught to me by someone who'd been in my shoes before, and after I realized I really needed help, I listened carefully, researched heavily, prayed hard, and put what I learned into action.

You have seen me post here many times concerning different things, telling hard truths no one wanted to hear.

And it all came back to learning the lessons, regardless of whether the marriage made it or not, and hoping the WAS would decide to come back into the marriage to experience the NEW LBS, and give it another try.

I have seen many that wanted the "quick fixes", but it is NOT to be. I had to go through this, it was the only way to get to the other side.

Even if a divorce occurs, the lessons must STILL be learned, and if they are not learned, they are recycled until they are learned, or you die, one of two things.

I wasn't the only one saddled with deciding if I wanted the marriage-my HUSBAND had to decide, too.

And I prepared for either possibility, and sometimes my heart was heavy, because I knew it could go either way.

I just know that when I changed, HE changed and came forward-and I had to shut my mouth many times or if I opened it, I undid some things, and it took that much longer for him to come through.

Letting him go was the hardest thing I ever did, but once I learned to let it ALL go, I saw things accelerate, because he had NO pressure on him to either recommit or not recommit.

And I saw him come back on his own-he never left physically, but was gone emotionally.

It has been three years, four months, since his crisis started-and though he is out of the tunnel, the changes in him continue and I continue to stand by, and just love him, be his friend, although there's nothing to fear from him in the way of rejection, etc, anymore.

I found out something was wrong a year and a half ago in September 2001, and for three months, I couldn't see the forest for the trees-I was so busy sucked up in his drama, he was running harder and harder away from me. I was trying to control what he was doing, and it wasn't working.

I was guided into understanding that I had changes to make and fought them at first--but in the middle of the third month, understanding broke, and I asked the Lord to change me into what my husband needed-and He granted my request, as well as showing me the areas of my life that needed improving.

You see, it all came back to ME-I could do NOTHING for my husband; I couldn't control him, I could only control ME.

And, like I said, when I changed, HE changed--but though things got worse before they got better, I didn't give up.

I endured insults, emotional hurt, projection, listening to him blame me for HIS problems-these things I was able to withstand and come through, and it WASN'T easy.

In the end, he recommitted to me, but it was only AFTER I changed, and let it all go to the Lord to deal with-as long as I interfered, things got worse and worse.

The bottom line is this:

MLC'ers are ADULTS, and will do what they want to do when they think they have to do it-doesn't mean they are right, but you must decide what you will do--wait or go on with your life.

And even while you are waiting, you can get on with your life AS IF the MLC'er is NOT in it-life DOES go on at some point, and if you are "stuck" it will pass you by.

I wasted three months fighting what I knew I had to do-but in the end I took the journey and grew into what I needed to become.

And that took time-in the meantime, my husband was on his journey that I could do NOTHING about, but watch and pray.

EVEN if my marriage had NOT made it, I would STILL have been a success, because I let this mold and shape me, helping me to grow into a more mature adult.

IF he'd have left me, I would have had to get on with my life, regardless, I was already prepared for either possibility.

Not every marriage survives this-it depends on BOTH people and they must decide in one mind and one accord, although that may occur at different times.

I advised, partly based from my own experience, and partly from that of others, as some things I didn't face.

You can read a bunch of success stories, but you need to really look for the TOOLS that were used in bringing about that success, and it all comes back to the journey taken and the changes made within YOU to come through this mess becoming a stronger, better person than you were before it all happened.

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HSB, thank you for taking the time to post. I know there are many ways I have become stronger since I began this journey. So many things seem very unimportant now and I see that as a permanent change in me. But I feel I have a long way to go to really feel strong. I feel so broken and discarded. It has made me very vulnerable and hesitant to be hurt again.

I agree that if we get through this in body and mind we are a success. However, I still would like to hear from others who have reconciled, esp. 25+ years of m. There just doesn't seem to be many at all. It's too bad that more of the MLC'ers don't post here--the one's who like Paul have made it through. Their insights, like his are invaluable in understanding.

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Hi Vee,
I heard Frosty calling my name...... First and foremost, I need to reiterate that the growth we all go through in this process makes us success stories. Sometimes, the marriage really shouldn't be "saved" and by finally having the courage to recognize that and move on and grow, you become the success story Frosty and countless others here are.

That said, ask away! (Married 17 years when bomb dropped mid-99........"reconciled" since August 2000)

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