The boys and I went to a matinée today to see the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. We had a blast -- the boys loved it! Lots of parents there with their kids too.
<journaling> It turned so cold today. Yesterday was quite sunny and warm, almost balmy -- saw several people in shorts and sandals. W did not even include coats or jackets for the boys, so before we could go out to the movies we had to stop by the house to grab some outerwear.
W was at work all day, and the house was empty but for our dog. I ran upstairs to look for some jackets and passed by our bedroom -- and did a double-take. W had left the light on in the master bath. And I noticed the clothes that W had left laid out on the bed. I was shocked to see something new that W had bought -- it was pink. Pink!?!
You've got to realize that one thing about my wife is that since we've been married she would almost never wear something pink in color, let alone buy something in that color for herself. She has always thought it was too "girly" (yeah, I know, she's a strange bird.)
So I went into the bedroom to see if my eyes were deceiving me. The last thing I can recall that W bought for herself in pink was a camisole and some sexy underwear she got for our wedding night. Since then? Maybe one other item, also lingerie, a very long time ago.
Almost without thinking I marched over to her chest of drawers and opened the one she always put her underwear in -- even more pink, all new, and a lot of lace, and a lot of black, and a lot more sexy stuff she has bought in the last five months than she's bought in the last ten years.
I closed the drawer and went back to what we were there for in the first place, but now realizing I now had more information than I wanted, and feeling my mood darkening. I angrily said to myself, "Yes, it's over. I'm done."
<side note> I used to buy W lingerie all the time, for many years during the first part of our M -- we even spent some time shopping together in Victoria's Secret. But somewhere along the way she stopped, and she got to where she was irritated with me for spending the money -- told me to just get her inexpensive sleep-shirts instead. I think she was unsatisfied with how her body was maturing, and nothing I said seemed to reassure her. She said she would take care of picking out her own intimate apparel, but she eventually stopped that too.
She also stopped wearing perfume (said it would irritate her patients) and forbade jewelry. (She was wearing earrings for the first time in ages the other day too. I complemented her on how they made her look, and she said she wore them to a meeting at the office. This too was a surprise, since these nurses are discouraged from wearing jewelry, according to W.)
So, now W has changed her tune entirely on these things, reverting back to that young available woman before we married, now with the feeble mind of a teenager.
It's a good thing my S's and I went straight from there to see a funny movie. Thank goodness -- I needed the distraction to get my mind back on less depressing thoughts.
I needed the distraction to get my mind back on less depressing thoughts.
One day awhile back, I picked up a pile of laundry to bring downstairs and on the very top was H's shirt. It so obviously reeked of perfume, and it wasn't mine. This was on the way out the door with my girls. I was so distracted that day, I vowed to never let that happen again. Its awful.
Glad to hear the movie was good. I plan on suffering through it (err...I mean seeing it) over the holiday.
Last few days have been BAU (business as usual). But I have finally taken care of all my Christmas shopping.
I had originally decided that I was not going to get W a gift this year, but then when I did not get her a birthday gift back in August that did not go so well. I got wind via the "grapevine" that W was upset with me and claiming I was now only thinking of myself. And after the cold reception I got for our anniversary (in July), I thought gifts were verboten. I really am confused.
Still, it is Christmas -- and I feel in the spirit of the season I should give her something even if she is negative about it. I will decide to ignore her if she is sour.
But I did not want to buy her anything that she would object to either. All the normal stuff is out -- jewelry, clothing, perfume, etc. I thought of a gift certificate, but I had to be careful about that. I did not want to get her something like a certificate to a nice restaurant or spa or anything that she would use for both herself and OM. So I got her a gift card to a Christian bookstore. I don't think she couldn't possibly abuse that, not really. I plan on making it a gift from me and our S's and enclose it in a card we three will make together, as a little project this weekend.
I also decided -- don't ask me what possessed me -- a smaller gift card for the MIL. Again, it is in the spirit of the season, and I figured I wouldn't expect anything positive in response, but it will still make me feel good.
W kept reminding me that S6 is wanting a new bicycle this year. Frequently. Kept reminding me to look at the boys bikes whenever I was out and about. I found a great bike for S6 Monday night, and told W all about it. I purchased it and put it into storage for the big day.
I may need to cease listening to the "grapevine", because I got word today that MIL is saying I am trying to "buy" my S's love. WTF?!? Her daughter is the one insisting I be sure to look after our children's Christmas wants/needs (as if I need to be told anything in that regard), and MIL claims I am buying my S's affection!
Sheesh! I am d*mned no matter what I do in their eyes! If I don't spend money on (them or) the kids, I am too stingy and selfish. If I do spend money on the kids, then I am trying to buy their affection. And now that I am trying to increase my time with my S's and seek joint physical custody, I am again being "selfish" and "disrupting" my S's lives.
Screw it! I can't win. So I am going to do what I believe is right -- no matter what these loonies might think.
Screw it! I can't win. So I am going to do what I believe is right
That is all you can do. Keep doing what you feel is right for your S's and you. BTW, I also got my X something from my girls and I. I recently got my girls pictures taken and am giving her some nice pic's of our girls in some frames. I figure it is not to personal yet at the same time a nice gift.... I am also getting my XIL's presents.... I am not expecting anything in return, but feel it is appropriate. I can careless what my X feels about it all.
I know you already know this....but stop snooping..... You saw what it did to your mood. What she is doing behind close doors is not your concern....I know you hate this, as do I, but you have to not think of her as your W who you have loved all these years. Right now she is not that person.....hopefully that will change....
It's funny you mention giving your XW a framed picture of your children as a gift. We recently had photos made of our S's (at W's request/insistence) and I kept a nice 10 x 13 for scanning into the computer (so we can print copies and email the image files to family and friends). I was just thinking of framing it and making that part of the gift to W as well -- thanks for confirming the idea.
And yes, I need to stop the "snooping". I can get way too much information from the "niece-to-niece" network/grapevine. My brother's W has filled me in on a lot of the words my W and her mother are saying to that side of the family.
My W had the nerve to chastise me for talking with my side of the family early on, after the bomb, and thus, as she put it, "poisoning the well" for her with them. I have been fairly discreet since then, but I continue to hear how my MIL is continually running her mouth to any and all on that side.
But I know there is nothing I can really do to stop it, so having the knowledge of it only makes me feel bad. I know enough already, what I am up against. Thus, it is best not to know any more.
NCB, First of all we know that we can't make everyone happy. There are people who will always find fault with what we do. If giving the gift to your son makes you happy, and I'm sure it does, that's all that matters. He's your son, you love him. Chistmas is a time of celebration, end of story.
I have a poster in my classroom that says "You'll never regret doing the right thing!" I also have another one that says "Determine what is right instead of who is right." Pretty insightful, huh?
You are a good man who loves his family, that is a fact!
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Those are some great posters to have up for your students to see. Very insightful, in several ways. One of these ways is that just having such messages in your classroom reflects how wonderful a teacher you must truly be.
I just had another reminder how W still takes potshots at me... and still hits her target despite how much detachment I think I am achieving.
I just returned from a little last minute Christmas shopping when W called on the mobile phone. She was at some mall waiting to have the boys' picture taken with Santa (she never told me she was going to to this, although she had "suggested" I do this last weekend, which there was no way that was going to work out.) She said she was trying to preempt my nightly call to say goodnight to the boys because they were likely going to be in the middle of the visit with Santa at my regular time (8 PM).
Okay, so I got to speak to my S's and to express how thrilled I was they were going to see Santa and then wished them good night. S6 then put W back on the phone -- W took the opportunity to determine how we were going to divvy up the holiday weekend custody with our S's. I will get them Friday, Saturday and Sunday Night, and then return them Monday Night, Christmas Eve. That way they can be at the house first thing Christmas morning for opening presents.
I had already considered this plan myself, so I agreed with W that it made sense. And I was just about to inquire about the schedule/plans for my presence during the gift opening Christmas morning (is she going to be hostile in that regard I have been wondering) -- but that was when she laid another one of her whammies on me! She said something to the effect, "... and what I want from you is your signature."
I stopped and paused, and then said, "My signature?"
W said, "On the agreement!" ... referring to her cherished Separation Agreement (SA). "If you would just sign the agreement, that's all I would need from you."
She had switched immediately from motherly W mode to Ms. Scrooge WAS mode without skipping a beat.
Internally I was floored, but I managed to maintain my composure. She was trying to unnerve me by catching me off guard once again, but this time I saw it for what it was. I replied, "So you want me to sign the SA?"
W said, "Yes, before we change the visitation schedule the way you've asked, we need to sign the agreement." (I note that she keeps referring to my time with our S's as "visitation" and not "custody".)
I told W I was not satisfied with the way any of her previous drafts were written. W said, "Why not? I used the perfectly sound online forms to create this document. There's no reason you should object."
I paused, smiling to myself. "Yeah, sure. Why don't you just wait until you see the version I am writing up first? Then we can talk about what's fair or objectionable."
W then said, "Fine. I just didn't think you wanted to waste about $3,000 on retaining lawyers or mediators."
Me: "That all depends on you, doesn't it? Wait till you review my draft before we make that decision. If we can agree to terms among the two of us, then none of that added expense will be necessary."
We left it at that, but as I drove home, I continued to stew and fume over her single-minded, pig-headed determination. Oh, if she really wants an SA, well, she's going to get one -- and it won't be on her terms though. I am overhauling her ridiculously worded crap with its inaccuracies in the accounts being split and so many unfair characterizations of my role in my sons' lives ("visitation", indeed!!!) and putting it in a much more balanced agreement. Her very choice of words would have me giving up joint legal custody, let alone the joint physical custody I demand.
I am feeling a great deal of anger and almost outright hatred for this WAS right now. Ebenezer Scrooge was a lightweight pansy compared to how my W (or her mother especially) can suck the life out of the Christmas Spirit. I am right this moment looking at the framed portrait of our S's and the gift card I had planned to wrap up for W for Christmas -- and I am fighting the angry, vengeful impulse to forget entirely about giving her a gift ever again. She would rather have this SA, so be it. (And as for the MIL and her gift card, I know that her contempt for me, even as unfounded as it is, will not let up -- so I certainly would be wasting my efforts on her.)
But I know what the Lord is telling me. His Son endured the worst that Mankind could throw at Him, and yet He still loved us enough to die for our sins. In His name and in the spirit of this season we celebrate in His name, I must be humble and not vindictive. I must forgive and do the right thing, despite the scorn heaped on me.
She did it again. She destroyed my good mood, and I let her. I wish I was stronger.
