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#125925 - 03/15/03 11:26 PM Nuggets of Wisdom from the Veterans!
Jamesjohn Offline
Moderator

Registered: 11/21/00
Posts: 8334
Loc: The GREAT Pacific Northwest
Make sure that you take some time-out for yourself.

Make sure that you take some "recreation" time to "re-create" yourself.

What you are going through right now is a marathon, so don't try to run it at a sprinter's pace.

If you place everything you have, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, into salvaging your relationship, you're going to drain yourself down to nothing.

You'll be so deep into the forest, that you won't be able to see the trees. You won't be able to see some of the obvious solutions that are sitting right before your eyes.

You deserve a break today!

Don't work harder, work smarter!

Other veterans of the DB wars, please join in!!
_________________________
JJ

Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!

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#125926 - 03/16/03 05:13 AM Re: Nuggets of Wisdom from the Veterans!
Mary4 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/02/03
Posts: 293
Loc: England
Quote:

You'll be so deep into the forest, that you won't be able to see the trees. You won't be able to see some of the obvious solutions that are sitting right before your eyes.



I think this is vital. I've only just discovered how difficult it is to distance yourself; these things come slowly and you are so close you just CAN'T see.

Another thing lots of DBers say is: "Patience is your friend." Then they say: "God, give me patience. And give it to me NOW!"

Mary

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#125927 - 03/16/03 06:02 PM Re: Nuggets of Wisdom from the Veterans!
blebop Offline
Member

Registered: 03/12/03
Posts: 565
JJ:

Your a wise man.Many thanks for your post throughout the boards. Your an inspiration to me if not us all.

bb

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#125928 - 03/17/03 08:52 AM Re: Nuggets of Wisdom from the Veterans!
deanna86 Offline
Member

Registered: 07/10/02
Posts: 1380
Loc: Ohio
JJ,

I've found that there will be positive forward movement and then they will retreat for a period of time. I think this is normal because they think if things get too comfortable the R will fall back into the old, negative patterns. Expect this dance and just enjoy the positive interactions and don't dwell on the withdrawal or negative aspects.

Live your own life!
Deanna

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#125929 - 03/17/03 09:31 AM Re: Nuggets of Wisdom from the Veterans!
lostlove Offline
Member

Registered: 06/08/02
Posts: 6447
it's not all about you!!!

sometimes even after you've made the changes and done all you think you need to do...the one thing you have to keep in mind is...it's about them too!

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#125930 - 03/17/03 11:58 AM Re: Nuggets of Wisdom from the Veterans!
deanna86 Offline
Member

Registered: 07/10/02
Posts: 1380
Loc: Ohio
I agree LL and you must remember that although we're hurting, they pain is even greater!

Also, their points of view, feelings, thoughts, opinions and perspectives are all very valid even if we disagree. If that is how they feel or how they remember things, that is reality.

Deanna

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#125931 - 03/21/03 04:22 PM Re: Nuggets of Wisdom from the Veterans!
Jamesjohn Offline
Moderator

Registered: 11/21/00
Posts: 8334
Loc: The GREAT Pacific Northwest
When you are in doubt about your situation....

STICK WITH THE BASICS!!

Go back to your books, and read them again. Focus on the solutions, and not the problems. Look at your situation like an outsider might. Look at it from a "third-party's" point of view.

If you were to read your story on another person's thread, what would you suggest to them? How would you see things from a different perspective?

If you were to cast all of your emotional involvement aside, if you were to go "strictly by the book", what would you say to someone else that was facing your same situation?
_________________________
JJ

Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!

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#125932 - 03/21/03 04:47 PM Re: Nuggets of Wisdom from the Veterans!
WillWin Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/02
Posts: 5546
Loc: Central Ohio
Relax,

Enjoy Ice Cream & Peanut Butter when stressed.

Dont force a fart... You will stink and no one will want to be around it.

Whats more important being right or having your spouse?

Walking is a good way to fill the time.

When you dont know what else to do, pray...


Oh yeah, remember you are on their timeframe not yours....

Dont foget to smile like you know something that no one else does.


_________________________
WW "I no longer WILL WIN since I HAVE WON!!"

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#125933 - 03/22/03 01:22 AM Re: Nuggets of Wisdom from the Veterans!
Kansha Offline
Member

Registered: 04/25/00
Posts: 1292
Loc: LA,CA
Things I did to DB my H while he was living at home and having a MLC:

· I found more ways to focus on my children and myself.

· I forced myself to stop thinking about what my H was doing and how unfair it was.

· I realized there is really nothing I could do about my H’s behavior anyway.

· I learned to state boundaries in a friendly none threatening tone. And to pick and choose those boundaries very carefully. I stated those boundaries quickly and succinctly.

· I tried to process all my emotions in a healthy way that allowed me to stay calm just about 24/7. If I became angry I broke plates against a wall to get out the anger.

· I worked on my self-esteem.

· I started going out once a week and having H watch the kids.


· I tried to stay in touch with my emotions as best as I could and release them as close to the incident as possible even if I thought I felt fine.

· I "acted as if", I was going on with my life, I gave my H some breathing room.

· I tried different 180’s.

· I became more unpredictable. One fourth of July H said he was going out. (Not spending it as a family) So I had a barbeque and invited lots of people over and celebrated without him.

· I became mysterious.

· I stopped initiating any conversation.

· I went to my room as soon as he came home.

· I laughed a lot and enjoyed my kids in my room with the door shut.

· I never made plans that included him.

· I stopped interfering and/or helping along his relationships with the kids.

· I stopped keeping him informed on the kids.

· I avoided OR talks.

· I stopped confronting him.

· I left the room first and ended conversations first.

· I was always friendly but distracted.

· I stopped defending myself.

· I listened to him ad- nauseum.

· I sat in therapy sessions and let him express his anger at me until I couldn’t do it anymore.

· I took antidepressants

· Went to counseling by myself.

· Made a list of all of my good points and talents(To remind myself of my worth)

· I took stock of what about myself could be improved and took action.

. I realized that I didn't "blow it" every time I forgot to do one of the things I listed above or lost my temper or a myriad of other little "mistakes" that I made.

. I remembered that I am human and that we humans are imperfect.

· I prayed

· I became more focused on what I had to be grateful for.

· I gave the whole situation over to God.


Notes on detachment: Detachment is a process. We detach a little at a time. You may notice that you have a drop in PMA just before you gain a new level of detachment. When dealing with a spouse in MLC, you are detaching for yourself. It is not a technique that will bring your H back into the family (though in some cases it can have that affect). Those in MLC have to complete the process in their own time frame. What we do will not usually shift that course. But, it will minimize damage. Detachment is necessary for the LBS survival. We are normally so wrapped up in our spouses that we cannot function when they leave and they cannot separate from us enough to figure out their own issues and quit focusing on us.







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#125934 - 03/22/03 02:46 AM Re: Nuggets of Wisdom from the Veterans!
uvision Offline
Member

Registered: 02/11/03
Posts: 615
I constantly try to imagine that my W is not my spouse with an obligation to me, but rather a person that is out there on her own.

At first I imagined her as a babysitter or a nanny (our only contact was to pick up and drop off D).

Then I imagined her as a confused neighbour who had a lot of things to figure out on her own

She became a friend who trusted me to listen and cared for her wellbeing. I had no other expectations other than offer a friendly shoulder to that woman and to hear her out

We have moved on to being friends who started being somewhat romantically involved. I still needed to think of her as a nanny and a confused neighbour and a casual friend, while catching glimpses of something more

We are currently dear friends, perhaps more, building a new relationship on the ashes of the old one that is no more.
We are talking about reconciling - and that's why it is important to still treat her as a girlfriend, who hasn't fully committed to spending the rest of her life with me.

This visualization process has greatly helped me in coping with the situation and in putting things into perspective that allows more loving detachment and less expectations. It's the unreasonable expectations that hurt us the most as they are unfulfilled by our WAS's, perhaps unintentionally.

Take care,

U.
_________________________
Jade Rooster

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