Jeff 52, former W 44, son 10, daughter 6. Bomb: Feb 2006 I moved out (to give her space): May 2006 She wants a D: June 2006 Filed for D: Sept 2006 D final: any week now depending on the legal stuff
No recap. I want to forget the past, live in the present, and plan for a wonderful future.
I did my best and I failed to restore my M. That is not negative - it is fact. Something in fW snapped and her switch turned off. I cannot control that. I did my best.
I have also turned off my switch. I feel little desire for her anymore. She is the mother of my kids and that is our interaction and it is good. My switch turned off b/c I reached my pain threshold.
I no longer stand - I am ready to divorce.
The anger is gone and so is the resentment. I am working to build a strong personal boundary that will be controlled by assertiveness and courage. Assertiveness to be strong as a man and the courage to do the right and honorable thing, every time.
Yes, I still feel frustrated and sad at times b/c I know I could make it all work out given the chance. I KNOW she still cares. But that is not what I can control.
I also fear the future – especially I cannot see myself dating. I lack confidence to dive into GAL. But I intend to find the courage to overcome my anxiety.
The rest is sorrow: loss of my best friend, loss of the familiar, loss of security, the impacts on my kids. Things I also cannot control.
It has been a long 21 months. Bittersweet.
Many positives, many new friends (especially here), so many emotional experiences, so much growth as a man, so much more growing to do. So many opportunities.
But the negatives suck big time. But failure means growth. I failed, but I am not a failure. I was put in this trial for a reason - I am coming to understand why.
Great post Jeff. I am in a similar position and you summed up my thoughts exactly and how I am also trying to be in my life.
Good luck!
Me: 48 Ex-W: 45 M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93 Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06 OM Separated: mid-Feb '07 Divorced mid-July '08 One daughter - 28 XW living w/OM
Jeff..my friend...you are not alone. There are hundreds of thousands of us. I now enter the void that you are going through. It IS a scary place to be. Although feeling stronger as a man, I feel the same emotions that you have...that you do.
I can't thank you enough for the support you have given me...especially this past week having pummeled you with phone calls. My BetterMan. Taking a deep breath.....
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Nothing to report really. I got papers back from former W"s lawyer and they contained fundamental errors (referencing incorrect law papagraph for example), so another round we go.
I attended "parenting" class - mandatory if you are a parent. Good class really. The presenters were qualified professionals and they were open.
Much is what you would expect on how to treat kids. But I will pass on a few good points:
Divorce WILL hurt the kids. I cannot believe my fW heard this and did not react to it (she already took the class).
We can minimize that hurt for our kids. Cooperation with the other parent is one key.
If the kids show ANY signs of distress, get them professional help.
Don't date until you are OVER x-spouse.
Blended families work ONLY IF both parenting styles are the same.
Other statistics for our class of 24 (given an average class:
5 are in deep depression. 5 experienced physical abuse. 12 need professional help to cope. Almost all are suffering from anger or anxiety. 8 will be remarried within 180 days.
Then the discussion leader asked who here is happy? I mean really happy that the divorce is going to happen soon?
Over 2/3 raised their hand. How very sad. What a state of affairs in our society today.
I know how you feel. I feel better as a person all over more now than even before I got married. If my W could see that, I would have a better M. But she thinks the grass is greener, more power to her.
It still hurts, but I feel more of a dull numbness than the depression, hurt, and fear I had before. I feel now I can move on without her, but still miss her and love her enough to give serious thought to try again.
Agreed Jeff...who could be happy about that? I would have raised my hand to the question "who is successfully moving on?". I could never say I that I was happy about how my family was destroyed.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Jeff, Thanks for the template, it is exactly what I needed.
Quote:
The rest is sorrow: loss of my best friend, loss of the familiar, loss of security, the impacts on my kids. Things I also cannot control.
Amen brother.
Quote:
Divorce WILL hurt the kids. I cannot believe my fW heard this and did not react to it (she already took the class).
I can't get my head around this. They know that, but it's just not important to them. I could understand if these things were happening in a hateful or abusive R, but "I'm not happy here, I'm not in love with you anymore," just doesn't seem like a good enough reason for this damage. My wife scheduled the class for us together. I can't decide if I want to go the next month, or just go with her and get it over with.
I believe I'm heading for your situation. I too am confidant that my M could be rebuilt. I hope I can stand as long as you have.
That's honor.
Last edited by theforlornhope; 10/26/0701:20 PM.
-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
Blended families work ONLY IF both parenting styles are the same.
That's kind of a blanket statement. It's improbable that parenting styles will be the same, even when it isn't a blended family. Like anything else in a relationship, it's something else that needs to be worked through together. What was the point of them mentioning that?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
It was said in the context that very different parenting styles was a major factor in follow-on marriages failing. If one parent is very different from the other, stress results - a parent having to side with their kids or their new spouse.
They brought it up to recommend that this be a topic of discussion before you decide to live together or M.
I don't know if this is a major factor in failed marriages or not across the board, but it makes sense to me. My parenting style (or lack of) vice my former W's style (way too involved) contributed greatly to the end of my M and my M was not a blended family.
