I had not heard of The Third Option before, but I looked briefly at their website and I would say it looks like a good program. It differs from Retrouvaille, because that begins with a weekend retreat totally devoted to building communication skills. Then retrouvaille follows up with 6 post sessions. To me, The Third Option looks similar to the post sessions. It certainly would be a great thing for a church to offer. There is surprisingly a lot to be learned about getting along in marriage. And we all just go along muddling through. But the truth is, if you learn the skills, it does work better.
As for your visitation schedule, I would recommend that you work lawyer to lawyer. Your wife is trying to dominate all decisions, and you don't want to rile her. But she will continue to deny you your fair share of time with your kids if you allow it. The boys should be with you on your son's birthday if you have the time off, and she doesn't. Don't let her push you around. It won't make her like you any better.
The more I think about it the more this is starting to rial me. The fact of the matter is that Thursday, November 22, is a holiday and the next day is S2's birthday. These are two separate events, two separate milestones to share with our sons. If W is of the mind to not want to share our S's at the same time on these days, then so be it -- that's her choice. Misguided or not.
So if W wants to work on Thanksgiving, let her. I'll gladly celebrate Thanksgiving and S2's birthday on Thursday, and she can do whatever she wants on Friday. Then, I can pick them up Friday night, as usual.
As for Christmas, one of us can get Christmas Eve and the other Christmas Day.
If W gives me any grief over it, I'll get a Separation Agreement ready -- or at the least a Custody Agreement (big stealthy surprise for W: I won't settle for anything less than joint physical custody as well as joint legal custody. She's pushed me too far on this.)
This is so depressing; I hate to sound like a parable from King Solomon's times.
personally I wouldn't back down, but then again im feeling mad today:)
I definately think you need to see a L and get your own agreement written..Its important, and obviously she doesn't really care about how often you see them as long as she decides.
So please nip that in the bud!!
Hope your having a decent evening!
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I sent the L an email this evening, asking for a quote of drafting up a Separation Agreement.
I am too tired to go into any great detail, but I had a "conversation" with my W over finances. She's perturbed at me for how I handled our joint account, and I so I realize I must, for my own sanity, get her name off of that account, pronto! The financial disagreements always lead into an R talk, and I should know better.
Wow, she can be such a pain! She is so disrespectful. I know that, ultimately, my own well-being should have no dependency on her, but why does she think that I have to be in a no-win situation for her to be happy?
Sometimes I just want to ask her a barrage of questions. What the h*ll happened to the woman I married? Has she ever really been true, or was she just a fabrication? Has she been this way secretly for all these years and just hid it well? In defending her reasons for killing our marriage she claims it was not the A that led her to this -- how can I be sure? She's lied about so much else. And she's also said that she was never unfaithful with me until recently, even though she's "had plenty of opportunities" (as she's put it) -- is this really true? How am I to know? Had she actually been unfaithful all along. And what is really going on inside her head when she talks to our S's when I am not there?
Sometimes I just want to ask her a barrage of questions. What the h*ll happened to the woman I married? Has she ever really been true, or was she just a fabrication? Has she been this way secretly for all these years and just hid it well?
NOC,
I ask myself these same questions. And since the was screwing her XBF I wonder if she was just trying to get back at him by marring me.
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
In defending her reasons for killing our marriage she claims it was not the A that led her to this -- how can I be sure?
Don't sweat this, It is true that the affair did not lead HER to screwing up your marriage. But it sure helped you decide it was screwed up. but if you refure back to quote #1 then this does not matter anyway
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
She's lied about so much else. And she's also said that she was never unfaithful with me until recently, even though she's "had plenty of opportunities" (as she's put it) -- is this really true? ?
BIG DEAL, WE ALL HAVE HAD "OPPORTUNITIES" But some of use honored our wedding vows She is most likley saying this to hurt you.
Husband
Last edited by husband; 11/09/0711:54 AM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I am sorry you are hurting. You know if she brings up another R talk then by all means ask her anything you want to if it helps you get past this hurt.
I don't blame you one bit for getting a seperation agreement. She sounds like she is screwing with you. She CAN'T be there for the holiday because of work. But doesn't want to let you enjoy it because she can't have it either. That's what it sounds like to me. A vengeful angry woman.
If having her on the account causes you stress then do what you have to do for your own sanity.
Thanks, Husband. I'm not sweating it. I have the same thoughts myself whenever she unloads this cr*p on me. Including when W mentioned her "opportunities" to be unfaithful over these 16 years -- I was thinking to myself, "So what?!! Me too! You want a reward or something for doing what you are supposed to do anyway when you're married? For doing what you promised to God you would do, to foresake all others, but then you reneged on that promise?" Sheesh! It's no wonder I have teeth holes in my tongue.
Trying, we do what we can do, endure what we can. I am trying to think of my sons first, and she's just making it more difficult. I am at the point where even if by some miracle we were to reconcile our marriage, I think I would still insist on separating our finances. Even now, she is still trying to micromanage my business even when she has abdicated that right.
I got a reply back from the L -- they want a $1500 retainer just for handling the SA -- Ouch!
Maybe shop around. There could be one cheaper. Or it could be the best money you ever spent if it gives you peace. I don't know if you mentioned but does your wife have a lawyer?
I would just tell her to back off your business. Tell her she gave up that right.
NCB - I just have to chip in because your sitch is almost identical to mine (see below), except I'm just a little older than you. We even had our separations on the exact same date.
Also, both my W and the OM are apparently in MLC, both see their R as their last best chance for eternal bliss. My W sees this as a chance to trade her older H in for a newer model (OM is 39). Then she won't have to worry about slowdown and/or illness. OM has never been married and probably sees W as his last good chance. Ironically, W had a tubal ligation after our second child. She says she's going to get it reversed and have children with OM... Crazy, huh?
My W also insists that the A and the OM didn't break up our marriage, we did (this must be in their handbook also, along with ILYBNILWY, and "I've had opportunities for affairs before...."). Of course this is total bullsh*t. The euphoria provided by the OP gives a spouse every incentive to end the M and none to save it.
Regarding the holidays, my W lined up a mediator right away, which I highly recommend in place of dueling L's who will cause more dissent while draining both of you dry. Anyway, early on in the process, we agreed on custody during the holidays. As is widely accepted, one spouse gets the kids on Thanksgiving, the other on Christmas. The next year, it is reversed. The upshot is no way should your W get the kids on both holidays. Don't let her get away with that.
Anyway, your W sounds every bit as insane as mine. That must be prerequisite for obtaining the Marriage Wrecking Handbook.
I know exactly what you're going through. Hang in there.
LL
M 63 W 40 M 4/91 S14/D9 bomb 7/6/07 D filed 8/3/07 final 2/4/08 thread
I appreciate it. Yeah, the WAS all seem to speak from the same playbook. They say and do some of the same things, and come to some of the same ways of thinking. It is so scary and remarkable at the same time.
It's just that I am still astonished that my W could ever stoop to this. We talked about marriage and divorce at great lengths before we decided to marry. We felt out each others' personalities very carefully during our dating period. Our thoughts and values were so very much in sync, and we both stood fast in our faith and our beliefs. We knew where each of us stood.
But now to hear my W speak -- especially about Marriage, Divorce and God's grace -- you'd think she had a brain transplant. Her hostility towards me is so pervasive, springing forth all of a sudden. She trys to tell me that with me out of her life she is so much more at peace, but I tell her I would never know it given how she acts. She now rationalizes Divorce and how it is better for children than what would result if she had stayed with me. She twists the purpose of God's grace to excuse what she would have at one time said was sinful and wrong.
This is not the person I married. Or so I thought.
If I could be wrong about W, in that I would have thought she would have been the last person to ever go down this road, then maybe I have been wrong about so much more. So naturally I am now questioning everything I ever thought about her. I am questioning whether I ever really knew her, as I thought I had at one time. Perhaps she's been presenting a facade with me -- and herself -- all these many years.
I have to ask these questions now. I may never know the real answers, but it is only natural to ponder them given what has happened.
