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#1220597 - 10/04/07 02:51 AM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: NoCodeBlues]
LuvMyHusband Offline
Member

Registered: 10/01/07
Posts: 820
Loc: US
NCB, you know what they say about blood being thicker than water. My IL have always been there for me but now that my H is staying with them, they haven't even called to see how I am or how the kids are doing. I know how you feel because I feel the same,let down and a little abandoned. If or when me and my H work it out, I don't see my R with my IL's being the same as it was.
_________________________
LuvMyHusband
Me: 41
H: 43
ch: 3
M: 7+ T: 10+
Bomb: EA 8/07, A over phone/net 10/07
Seperated: 9/07
H ended A/EA with OW again on 1/2008
Reconsile: 3/26/2008, H admitted PA

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#1221748 - 10/05/07 04:41 AM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: NoCodeBlues]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Oh, man. It gets worse and worse.

W keeps gathering points of contention with me whereever she can. S6 has had some incidents at school of late, including drawing a picture of his mother and the other man in a restaurant on a date -- ouch, not good. W is not so much furious but threatening me with a great deal of zeal and recounting all the things she thinks makes me to be a bad father (its almost like she's happy to have one more thing to demonize me with.)

I tried to not argue with her, and for the ost part I succeeded in saying very little, like "I'm sorry you feel that way." But even that makes her angry and she starts berating me for just being my old non-communicative self.

Man, has she ever turned into a shrew. At one point I just could not stand it any longer and just hung up on her. Not very tactful, I know, but I was about to explode.

At this point, I'm not only beginning to lose all hope of saving the marriage, but any shadow of a chance this might get turned around. Now I am in fear that she is hellbent on not only getting me out of her life but my son's lives as well. It's not enough she's taking her love and our marriage and our family away, but now she's on the path to take away the only thing I have left in this world, my sons.

Just as I am finding an equilibrium in this maddening situation, she won't give me a moment's peace. I am really beginning to hate this person she has become. God help me.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

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#1221945 - 10/05/07 01:44 PM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: NoCodeBlues]
LL44 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 5643
NCB, sometimes I look at H and think how pathetic he has become. The lying, the blaming, the arrogance, the everything. Its hard to find a balance and stay committed sometimes. I think your mind is detaching without you even having to try. I agree, it wouldn't be as bad as long as W wasn't dragging the kids into it. That's your 'button' and she knows it. I am so sorry.

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#1222166 - 10/05/07 03:48 PM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: LL44]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Lwb,

That's it exactly. W is now zeroing in on the one button she knows will destroy me. She was in the process of saying that the reason she left me and can never live with me ever again is because of how I hurt the kids -- not because of the OM, not the hurt I caused her herself, but now its because of the kids -- that's when I hung up on her. The implied threat is that she is making the case I should not be allowed to be their father.

She has cut me down and destroyed everything I hold dear, and the only thing left she has the power to hurt me with is my children. If it were not for my love for them, it would have been so easy to throw in the towel by now.

So much for smiling and keeping a PMA -- it just makes me look like a sitting duck and a fool in her eyes.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

Top
#1222173 - 10/05/07 04:02 PM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: NoCodeBlues]
LL44 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 5643
Yes, NCB, I fear that if I didn't have kids we would be in the divorce process already.

I can't imagine your pain regarding her threats and allegations with the kids. That just cuts to the deepest part of your heart. Its just awful. I can't think of anything to say. I suppose if you are 'done' with PMA, your goal would be neutral, even, calm. For your children's sake only.

HUGS

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#1222249 - 10/05/07 04:50 PM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: LL44]
runningoutoftime Offline
Member

Registered: 05/15/06
Posts: 2793
Loc: California
Done with PMA? What do you mean? Even if you can't keep your marriage together and your wife doesn't wake up and realize what a destructive, mean, ugly shrew she has become, there's always a positive side to things... like now you don't have to live with the bit@h!!! I'm sorry, but any woman who wants to keep her children away from a father who loves them is evil. Ultimately she will hurt her children more than she's hurting you. This is not a woman you want back at this time. She would need to change. This should make it easier for you to detach and GAL. This OM is not "winning" anything if he ends up with your wife. She sounds like a nightmare. Let him deal with that....

And just DON"T FORGET to stay nice and DB in spite of her hideousness. Don't give her the satisfaction of you being mean or nasty back. Please!!!! I want her to regret this ugliness because eventually, at some point, even if years later, she will.

And the first thing you need to do is not blame yourself with this. This is one more thing you have to let go of. You are not responsible for the reality of the situation and what is occuring (and make sure at some point you let the kids know that.... tell them it was not your choice). How they react, what they feel... you are not responsible for this. Let it go... and let her deal with it. They are young now, but eventually they will understand.

Don't worry about looking like a fool or sitting duck in W's eyes. You don't. You just feel like one. When anger is high, I think your best bet is to go dark as much as possible. Maybe you can reduce communication to email and make it as business-like as possible. Speak with a lawyer about how you should be setting up custody arrangements during separation. Is she currently trying to keep you from seeing them? Perhaps she's a lot of "hot air." Don't worry about the inlaws. My FIL and SIL were pressing my H to divorce me as well (SIL even set up my H with dates!!!).
_________________________
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.

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#1222274 - 10/05/07 05:06 PM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: runningoutoftime]
saffie Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/07
Posts: 6274
Loc: England, UK
As the children get older they will resent your W if she keeps them away from you. Ultimately she will lose out.

root Haven't 'talked' to you in a while. Have a good weekend. If I get a chance I will email you.

Saffie
_________________________
Saffie
me 46
H 46
M in 1986
D20,D18,S16,D13
H's A 01/05 to 07/06
H recommitted to M 07/06
renewed vows 09/06
Going from strength to strength

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#1222293 - 10/05/07 05:21 PM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: NoCodeBlues]
runningoutoftime Offline
Member

Registered: 05/15/06
Posts: 2793
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
The implied threat is that she is making the case I should not be allowed to be their father.

She has cut me down and destroyed everything I hold dear, and the only thing left she has the power to hurt me with is my children. If it were not for my love for them, it would have been so easy to throw in the towel by now.


That's because she's grasping for straws. My guess is if you aren't mentally or physically abusive (btw, telling the truth about a situation is not mentally abusive... mental abuse is MUCH stronger... It's cutting down a person, destroying their ego... someone who destroys a child's ego, telling them they are bad or stupid), and my guess is you are not an alcoholic. She is grasping for anything to use against you. Make sure you date and take notes of everything in a journal.

I know how helpless you feel about your children. Unfortunately, we can't protect them from everything or make perfect lives for them.

P.s. Saffie, I lost your email address.... Blues, saffie is right. I know a guy whose wife did this to him (moved faraway so he couldn't see his kids). In the long run it only cut out an important person in their lives, severed an important relationship. And her life never got any better.... BTW, he eventually remarried a really nice woman he met many years later. I think she takes great care of him. They have no kids, but his kids now do visit in the summers.... and his XW did orignally want 100% custody. It all went into an ugly custody battle that he eventually concluded was getting too expensive and emotionally draining so he had to let go. I think it all came back to bite her in the butt. She only hurt herself and her kids. I'm sure they resent her for that. And he just had to accept and live with what he couldn't change.
_________________________
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.

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#1222444 - 10/05/07 07:35 PM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: runningoutoftime]
NoCodeBlues Offline
Member

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 2580
Loc: North Carolina
Thanks for all the kind support, everyone.

I know W is just blowing smoke, but it doesn't hurt any less when she says it. I also don't doubt she'll make a play to bluff me legally if it comes down to it -- just as she originally tried to railroad me with her one-sided Separation Agreement the first week after the bomb (when she thought my shock and imbalance would make me more pliable). She knows the courts tend to favor the mother even in the face of her adultery. She also knows that a legal battle is going to hurt me more than her, even though neither of us can really afford it.

Basically, W is cake-eating and wants no semblance of guilt for it, so she has to make me out to be some absolute monster, to ease her conscience. I understand that. She claims she is a good mother and that she never says anything negative about me in front of our S's, but then she doesn't have to -- her actions speak louder than words (I know the IL's are not withholding their tongues.)

W is a good mother, for the most part. But she refuses to see what her actions are doing not only to me (for which she has no care) but to our S's (which she denies). She can admit no wrong -- except where she ever got involved with me in the first place. And in that she has proven to be an apt disciple of her mother.

While I expected some of this alien behavior, as it has been described over and over again by others, I just never realized to what depth my W would actually descend. I don't know what happened to the person I married; this is not her.

One thing W said to me yet again last evening. She said in passing that my neglect of her led her to contemplate suicide, and that a "loving husband" (which by her measure I am not) would never drive their W to such a dire position. After she said it, I thought to myself that she has already done that, committed "suicide". Perhaps the woman I knew and loved is now "dead". I don't know.
_________________________
Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.

Top
#1222569 - 10/05/07 09:25 PM Re: King of Pain, 2 [Re: NoCodeBlues]
saffie Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/07
Posts: 6274
Loc: England, UK
Personally speaking, suicide is a state of mind. The interaction of others is incidental, not the driving factor. It comes from withtin, from feelings of a lack of self worth, from thinking the worlds would be better without you. To blame it on another is cruelty in the extreme. NCB - give your wife's comments on this no credence please.

I speak from a VERY personal position on this.

Saffie
_________________________
Saffie
me 46
H 46
M in 1986
D20,D18,S16,D13
H's A 01/05 to 07/06
H recommitted to M 07/06
renewed vows 09/06
Going from strength to strength

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